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Why do I have such a DIL?

(144 Posts)
msmac Fri 12-Sep-14 18:32:54

I am new here and have wanted to post before, but was afraid. I need some advice, reassurance??? My DIL is a living night mare. She will not let us see our grandchildren, even though we raised the 5 year old since he was 6 months. She has "taken" him back numerous times to quote "teach us a lesson". It was because she was angry with us. Not anything to do with the child. She uses him like a pawn. Now, she has a new "princess" and the 5 year is lost, but she don't care. We want to be there, but we have accepted we can not control her. Our son, he doesn't get involved, unless it is to come over to our house and yell at us. I don't want to live like this anymore. My heart aches for our grandson, but I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions?

Greenfinch Fri 21-Nov-14 08:06:59


yytonyjagyy Fri 21-Nov-14 07:55:53

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yytonyjagyy Fri 21-Nov-14 07:55:38

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nannynoo Fri 21-Nov-14 02:12:36

Hi msmac , firstly I would say please be patient with forums , as you understand now it is not a place with people constantly online , but does not mean they are not interested

I often have to wait a couple of days for a response but I try not to take it personally and see it as at least it has been THERAPEUTIC for me to ''get it all out'' in the first place , response or no response , but of course understand that is it so nice to get the support , it makes me feel better to think ''well at least I got it off my chest'' ;-)

Regarding your family - I wish things were simple too and one day they may be with maturity and honesty etc

I have been in this situation for SHORT times only thankfully , usually when my DD is ''not happy with what I have done'' but then she seems to have a think about it once she has calmed down and we go back to usual or normal again but it is not nice having this hanging over your head...

I think they are suffering in some way , my DD struggles with depression and all sorts of other issues which make clarity of thinking , calmness , rationalness seemingly impossible at times , she needs to work on herself and I continually need to work on myself now too - I hardly ALWAYS know what to do for the best but try and look inside and examine myself to find out the answer , sometimes it's ''no'' and sometimes it's ''yes'' but it cannot always be ''yes'' nomatter how manipulative they are and there is a time to quietly stand your ground and wait and hope for the best

My DD has some sorting out to do , when she is well she is SO pleasant to be around , genuinely , but when or if something triggers a ''downer'' she is a different person and not calm and rational but I haven't always been either! lol

Saying that the FATHER situation re hitting and bruising the child and PULLING OUT HIS TEETH WITH PLIERS something is seriously WRONG there and this IS child abuse and you said you don't want to ''risk'' things getting worse between you and your DIL but WHO is ACTUALLY AT RISK HERE??? An INNOCENT little boy!!!!!!!!

Maybe if you report the Dad the DIL will see sense as in NOT stand alongside her Father while he abuses her child , maybe he did the same thing to her and SOMEONE needs to show her it is NOT acceptable!!

She may even respect you in the end for doing what is right and best for the WHOLE FAMILY

The ''Granddad'' SERIOUSLY needs taking in hand and STOPPED from abusing your Grandson , you have to protect him as much as you can

I have reported my own DD to social services and the police which of course affected our relationship but if my GS or the public are at risk I have no choice I HAVE to do something about it for his sake and the sake of the whole family in the end! xx

MiceElf Fri 17-Oct-14 06:35:41

By all means elen1, but make sure your response is based on the law not on a TV show about the small claims court.

Elegran Thu 16-Oct-14 22:55:25

Do you live in the UK or in the States, elen1? It is likely that the rights of grandparents are different where you are.

elen1 Thu 16-Oct-14 22:23:07

Well,pardon me Judge Rinder !! May I get back to you on this????

MiceElf Thu 16-Oct-14 20:08:35

elen1 perhaps you would explain what you mean when you say 'the courts' realise there are benefits all round. Are you familiar with Section 8 of the Children Act and the latest guidance on child arrangements orders?

Ariadne Thu 16-Oct-14 19:28:35

As has been said over and over again - it's the GC who have the rights, not the grandparents.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 16-Oct-14 19:16:01

Do please quote the chapter and verse of this family law Elen1. There are a lot of gransnetters on another thread that it would be a revelation to.

elen1 Thu 16-Oct-14 19:12:43

Maybe you could read up a little on family law?

elen1 Thu 16-Oct-14 19:11:32

Not automatic rights but, the courts realise that there are benefits all around.

Elegran Thu 16-Oct-14 19:01:19

But grandparents have no legal rights elen1

elen1 Thu 16-Oct-14 18:57:02


I have only just read your post and I know what it's like, it's awful. But maybe you should invite them over for a simple meal, don't go overboard, explain that you don't like what's going on and you are there to help. Maybe you can offer to have the littlr GS or the baby so that she can have an hour with the LO on her own? It's hard when we don't know how hard she is to deal with.
Could you stomach meeting her for coffee? Maybe she will see a side to you that will make her open up to you.
As for favours, don't be available to lend money etc, just say you don't have it.
But if it don't change remember you do have Grandparents rights.
I hope you get it sorted.

msmac Thu 02-Oct-14 13:57:56

Thank you Soutra. A lovely person invited me to join another thread. I will keep you in the loop, if anything happens. And I find out.
Is there a way to end this thread? Or do I just stop answering?

Soutra Thu 02-Oct-14 13:45:34

Well all we can do now is wish you best of luck with it all and do please keep us in the loop if and when you make progress. Hope and pray things dont have to get worse before they get better - for all the many (often quoted) shortcomings of our Social Services it seems we are still much better placed than the US in cases of neglect or abuse sad

msmac Thu 02-Oct-14 13:25:37

Yes, much better than "just go and read it". Again, as I have said previously, I have plans in motion, I have gone to police, CYS (here in US). Until they have documented proof from someone who actually sees something, they are not allowed by law to intervene.
That may sound stupid in the UK, but in the US, that is the way it is.
I haven't seen my gs for over a month and have no idea what is going on. This all happened in July and August.
I can only pray that nothing is happening to him.
My original thread was why was my dil being so harsh to us. And it has turned into all this.
If anyone thinks I would just sit around and do nothing, they are a sad lot.
I am glad you explained and thank you for trying.
Have a good day.

Soutra Wed 01-Oct-14 23:30:19

Oh dear - something lost "in translation" mid Atlantic.
If you do read this msmac Julie's comment about "reporting" was addressed to anybody who expressed doubts as to your veracity on open forum, she was asking them to report privately rather than challenge you openly. If you look at the top RH corner of each post you will see an option to "Report" which is intended for anyone who feels what has been written in some way contravenes GN guidelines, is advertising or personally abusive or racist etc.
As Ana and Jingl have said, at no point were you asked or told not to discuss your problems and worries - that is one of the things GN is for. Peril simply doesn't come into it.
THe advice to go to the NSPCC or the US equivalent was clearly intended as practical help in what sounds like a very difficult and distressing situation.
I am sorry you have misunderstood what you read and hope it is clearer now.

msmac Wed 01-Oct-14 19:13:16

Me too. Good bye.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 19:11:12

No way is Julie going to come on here to explain it. Nothing to explain. You have read the post wrongly. That's all.

I'm getting off here now.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 19:09:52

" I was asked not to-at my own peril. "


msmac Wed 01-Oct-14 19:08:20

"We'd prefer it if you report anything that you're worried about rather then say it on the thread. It can often be upsetting for people who post asking for help if others assume their problem isn't genuine."

I took this as stop talking about it. If I am wrong then maybe JulieGN could explain it to me.

again, I did report it, and a lot of other things..confused

msmac Wed 01-Oct-14 19:05:50

I do not want to re hash all the "people not believing me". I left and only returned when a nice person PM me and asked me to. She reached out and it was very nice of her.
Ana, that is why I am trying not to discuss it, I was asked not to-at my own peril.
I am going forward with whatever legal things I can do, I have a lawyer and read my previous posts. Please, move on. I can't take all that over again.
I am trying to do as asked.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 19:00:36

Julie was thinking of you and your feelings when she posted that. You haven't read it properly.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 18:59:21

Nowhere did Julie tell you not to post msmac.