Gransnet forums


Why do I have such a DIL?

(143 Posts)
msmac Fri 12-Sep-14 18:32:54

I am new here and have wanted to post before, but was afraid. I need some advice, reassurance??? My DIL is a living night mare. She will not let us see our grandchildren, even though we raised the 5 year old since he was 6 months. She has "taken" him back numerous times to quote "teach us a lesson". It was because she was angry with us. Not anything to do with the child. She uses him like a pawn. Now, she has a new "princess" and the 5 year is lost, but she don't care. We want to be there, but we have accepted we can not control her. Our son, he doesn't get involved, unless it is to come over to our house and yell at us. I don't want to live like this anymore. My heart aches for our grandson, but I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions?

msmac Fri 12-Sep-14 18:43:21

never mind, no one is answering, so I will figure it out myself. Great forum.

Elegran Fri 12-Sep-14 18:50:12

I can't help you, I am afraid,*msmac*, but there are several threads already on this subject, where I am sure that others who have experienced the same thing will chat to you. They are listed at

Starling Fri 12-Sep-14 18:53:59

Hello msmac. There only seems to have been 11 minutes between your two posts! People may be considering their responses. I am sorry to hear about your DIL. I am not confident myself in giving other people advice about family relationships but I expect someone else will have some helpful thoughts.

petra Fri 12-Sep-14 18:54:15

Give people time,msmac. There is only 11 mins between your first and second post. It is dinner time and people could be busy. There are a lot of people on here who can give you good advice. Be patient.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 12-Sep-14 18:58:44

Sorry you didn't get a reply straight away msmac.

As Elegran says, there seems to be a lot of this about. Who knows why these mothers start using their children to hurt others? Perhaps you could think back to the very first time she behaved this way and try to unravel it all from there. Something must have started it all off. flowers

HildaW Fri 12-Sep-14 19:47:58

I suspect this is a long and complex problem with no easy answers and probably a lot more to it. Expecting a quick solution on a forum perhaps shows your desperation but I am not sure you will receive any easy answers.
On the evidence of your brief statement it looks as if everyone involved has issues that will need careful consideration and perhaps even an outside agency might need to be involved. Are you worried about the welfare of your Grandson, should you perhaps contact social services?
Was there a formal arrangement when you previously cared for him?
In the UK Grandparents have no 'rights' as such so we have to tread carefully and often accept certain elements of the relationship against our wills.
Unfortunately if neither your son or DIL want you to have contact then, unless there is serious cause for concern you may just have to bide your time and wait for the little boy to grow up and seek you out.
Please do not dismiss the wonderful people on this network, many have a lot to offer but sometimes its not always easy.

Charleygirl Fri 12-Sep-14 20:08:47

msmac You were a bit sharp considering there were around 11 minutes between posts!

You will be lucky to get any responses if that is how you treat this forum.

Coolgran65 Fri 12-Sep-14 20:28:34

mrsmac perhaps it was upset and desperation that led you to be so sharp. I hope you come back and see that people are interested.

You mention that your DIL has done this numerous times before so it looks like there is a history of discontent between you. And why does your son come to your house to yell. Is he piggy in the middle.

It all sounds as if there is more going on.
It's awful to miss your little grandson,
And what about your DILs 'little princess'. I am assuming this is also your granddaughter.
Is it a new baby? Could there be post natal depression.
And could your son be at his wits end. Though this is still no excuse to be coming and yelling at you.

Any chance of the family getting around the table.
Rules - no shouting.... be respectful.
Could a family member be like mediator at the pow wow and give everyone a change to speak.
Just a thought.....

rosequartz Fri 12-Sep-14 21:20:13

Charleygirl thought you were a bit sharp as there was not long between posts and I agree, as many of us may have been cooking or eating at that time so were not on GN.

I wonder if you like things done in a hurry and perhaps your DIL thinks you are 'a bit sharp'. Perhaps she has PND after the new baby?
Why does your son come over and shout at you? Can you ask him to calm down and talk to you sensibly and rationally about what the problems are, then perhaps you can discuss things in a reasonable manner and find a way forward.
What 'lesson' do you need to be taught?
Why do you wish to 'control her'? You can't control your adult children and certainly not your DIL!

I am also wondering why you brought up your grandson for five years; were they unable to care for him, or were they living with you? You must be missing him now.

It sounds as if there are a lot of issues here and a rather volatile situation; you will need to tread very carefully.

Elegran Fri 12-Sep-14 21:36:36

Eleven minutes between posting your question and deciding that no-one was answering was a bit short. This is not an advice website with experts sitting waiting for questions, it is a site where people chat. Sometimes there are a lot of people posting, sometimes no-one at all, and those who are here could all be in the middle of conversations about something else.

I think your second post answers the question in your first. You don't seem to have much patience. Have you been impatient with your son and daughter-in-law?

You say the 5 year-old is lost now that his mother has a new princess. I suspect all big brothers feel a bit like that for a while. Things will probably settle down as his princess sister starts to fit in with the family.

If you think that his parents are treating him really badly, get in touch with Social Services. If they are looking after him alright, then there is not a lot you can do except to stay on good terms with them so that you and they do not fall out.

KatyK Sat 13-Sep-14 09:15:56

msmac take a look at the Cut Out Of Their Lives thread on the Am I Being Unreasonable forum. You may get some comfort/assistance there.

KatyK Sat 13-Sep-14 09:17:46

On this forum obviously

suebailey1 Sat 13-Sep-14 09:27:15

mrsmac I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time and I know its no consolation but you are not alone. A number of gransnetters share or have shared this problem It feels as if you are powerless I all this doesn't it? If it were me I think I would juts try to maintain as much contact as possible with grandchildren either by letter, card or if allowed a phone call now and then and juts let them know you love them and will wait for them to be come to you when they are a bit older. Of course you must never and I don't suppose you would criticise their parents to them. I'm sorry I'm not a lot of constructive help but I do feel for you flowers.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Sep-14 13:45:07

,So sorry msmac to read your post and find yet more gparents who are being deprived of their gc just because they can besad. It must be so hard for you to be unable to see your gs having spent so much time with him before.

Clearly, you d.i.l. is withholding the children to exercise extreme and very cruel control. Your son's behavior mirrors that of our's. Our s, being unable to manage the situation has enabled it to deteriorate to the extent that even though they live a 2 min. walk down the road from us, we haven't had any contact with our gc for almost 2 years; since he was 8 months old.

What contact we have had with him, usually via email, has been so vindictive and nasty that it's hard to believe he is the same boy.

When you said about being unable to control your d.i.l. I took that to mean that you are unable to stop her from doing this to you and your gc, especially your gs who you obviously have spent a lot of time with. Sadly your are right, and if your s is unable or unwilling to intervene there's really nothing you can do.

Elegran and jinglbellfrocks are right when they say there seems to be a lot of this about; there is. It's like a cancer, getting in to and eroding families; destroying once close and loving relationships. As suebailey1 has said you do feel powerless, because you are.

Like Coolgran65, I interpreted your desperation for a quick response as the desperation you are feeling about this terrible nightmare you find your self in the middle of.

I regularly post on 'Cut out of their lives 3' and as *KatyK' has already suggested, you may find that thread helpful.

I understand that you "don't want to live like this any more", I didn't, I didn't think I could, but I have and I do. You will too. Be strong and know that there are many who suffer the way you do and will help you if they canflowers.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 13:49:58

Some of these young women need locking up. (I know that's not at all helpful, but it's so wrong. And cruel)

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Sep-14 13:55:34

You know that jinglbellsfrocks you're right, some of them DO need locking up and your post was more helpful than you realiseflowersfor you.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 13:59:59


petallus Sat 13-Sep-14 17:18:06

What jingle you mean sent to prison so the children are motherless?

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 17:21:50

To all,
I am sorry about the very nasty comment. I did not give people enough time to respond. I was very sharp. I was also hurting and not thinking correctly.
I can answer some of the questions:
We have tried to sit around the table, everything is "ironed out" and in a reasonable, adult manner, but then when my DIL gets a bug up her butt (and it doesn't take much) all bets are off and she's right back at it.
Yes, this situation has been going on for awhile. Everything will be fine, they like us, come visit, we can visit with our grandson...until they get what they want, ie money, help with bills, something fixed, do her wash etc. after that, they don't know us again.
My son comes up to yell because his wife tells him to make us do things and he feels the need to yell about these things if we do not do as she wishes-I will give you an example, she text me and said we do not call our grandson, well yes we had been calling every other night, but no one answered..they only use cell phones and our grandson does not have his own, so we call the DIL and our son's. We left messages and they never returned our calls. She then sent the text saying we were not calling, and then sent my son up to yell about it. Go figure.
Yes, princess is a 3 week old that the 5 year old has been tossed aside for. My DIL will not put her down and yells a lot at the 5 year. No she is not post partum and was not when she has done some pretty horrible things.
Her father was actually teaching my grandson to call me a B----, because he doesn't like me or so I was told.. She did not even get upset. Imagine, teaching a 5 year old to call someone that name. I may be one at times, but never to my grandson and he should not be taught to call me that.
I do not interfere, give unsolicited advice, show up unannounced, all the stuff you are not suppose to do. I also will not be a door mat. I have just begun to take this attitude though. I was one for a long time until I realized that I was being used.
She has made it so that the 5 year has never met or spoke with anybody except my husband and me on the paternal side. It is all her family and step-family. My mother has never spoke with or saw him. They have driven past her house numerous times though.
When I was "doing things for her on a constant basis, taking them to dinner, my husband fixing things...all was well. When she decided one time because she could be, she did not let us see him for two months.
And repeat, and repeat... you get the idea. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and can't get off.
Again sorry to be so rude yesterday.

Grannyknot Sat 13-Sep-14 17:45:33

hi msmac I'm sorry to read of the way your DIL treats you. I just wanted to add re your "sharp response" initially (which you've explained and it is indeed understandable) - that this is a forum rather than "live chat", so sometimes people do take awhile to post in reply, especially on difficult subjects, like this one.

I can't offer any advice, I have no experience of this at all, but you will find help on here.


msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 18:50:40

Thank you Grannyknot. I forgot this is a forum and not a chat room.

I was reading some other questions. No I am not short with them, it is usually them being short with us.
I do not want to control my DIL, it was a figure of speech. I realize I am unable to change the way they behave to us and to the gc.
My DIL "teaching us a lesson" is her way of saying, until you do what I want-you do not get to see the gc. Usually what she wants is something for herself.
We had our gs because she did not want bothered. She wanted a girl and had a boy, so she left him with us a lot. My son was trying to start up his own business and was working all the time.
Yes, I suspect abuse..but from her dad. He pulled my gs teeth out with a pair of pliers, while mommy held him. "They were going to come out anyway, sometime" was what we were told. No they were not loose yet.
Also, my gs has shown me bruises on his side and stomach where "pappy" hit him. Pappy is her father. My gs said he did it so that the 5 year old would be a man.
I don't think going to social services right now is a good idea. I would never see the gc again. If it turned out to be her father, she would never let them see us.
BTW, we only leave three houses apart, it is hard to see the gs through the trees and not be able to be with them.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 18:55:17

Oh come on petallus. Use it. hmm

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 18:56:32

I don't understand jinglebellsfrocks.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 19:04:42

That wasn't to you msmac. It was to petallus. Ignore.