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FEUDING DAUGHTERS,,,,,advice please,,,

(38 Posts)
angiebaby Wed 03-Dec-14 21:19:08

my daughters are always falling out....i try to keep the peace,,but it isnt happening,,,im dreading christmas,,,have been told,,,im not spending christmas day playing happy families with her,,,she treats me like dirt,,,,,or im not spending christmas day with her boyfreind there,,,i dont even know him,,,the other one says,,,,im sick of her shes messing up this family,,,go and have christmas with her,,,count me out,,,,,,,for 2 pins i would like to shut the door clear off and check in to a hotel and sleep the day away till its all over, my husband says im a misery,,,,,he is a step father......he dont say anything to them to help sort it out,,,,,,,all i want is peace and my family around me,,,,i dont want to put any decorations up nothing,,,,its the same every year,,,,,,,even in the year,,,,,,,,,,,i also feel they dont come round quite so much if they do,,,,,its for 5 mins...or they want something,,,i feel very hurt,,,,,,,,,,,i have always been there for all good mums,,,,but im at the end of my tether,,,,talking to them ......i have tried,,,any advice would be helpful,,,,,thank you,

whitewave Wed 03-Dec-14 21:24:18

personally I would spend Christmas on my own, and totally indulge myself.

Just think of the peace, quiet and stress free time you would have.

tanith Wed 03-Dec-14 21:33:48

Maybe you should tell them how you feel and if they can't 'be nice' for the sake of a nice peaceful Christmas then maybe they should spend it in their own place and you have a nice quiet one with your husband. Perhaps when they realise you are serious then maybe they will think again.

Tegan Wed 03-Dec-14 21:43:05

...may join you in that hotel, angie sad....families, eh???

granjura Wed 03-Dec-14 21:44:16

What a dreadful 'pig in the middle' situation to be in- that is dreadful. But I agree with the others above- you should try and find the strength to say, quietly and calmly' that you love them both and always will- but that you just can't be pig in the middle anymore, and just won't do it- and that, therefore, if they can't be civil- then you will indeed spend Christmas on your own with OH- or even go away on holiday to the sun, or wherever, if you can afford to go away- even a simple Hôtel somewhere in the UK, or friends. It's just too hard- don't get angry- just tell them how you feel, and just can't do this anymore.

Really, really feel for you.

granjura Wed 03-Dec-14 21:44:29

Forgot the flowers

janeainsworth Wed 03-Dec-14 21:55:38

Angie I think you have two choices.
As others have said, you can tell both your DDs that you are so upset and hurt by their behaviour that you have decided to spend Christmas just with your DH.

The other choice is to invite them both, with their partners, but make it clear that they are expected to behave themselves. If one of them decides not to come, it's her choice.


Mishap Wed 03-Dec-14 22:13:24

My friend goes away on her own every Christmas because she feels she can't get it right with her family - she has a great time. Might be an idea.

ginny Wed 03-Dec-14 22:18:08

I'm wondering how old these daughters are ?

I too are of the mind that you tell them they need to sort things out between themselves and not use you as a go between. Explain that you will not choose between them so will be spending Christmas quietly with your Husband and any one else who is willing to make it a pleasant experience.

thatbags Thu 04-Dec-14 07:17:22

Why don't you do what you want to do, what you say you feel like doing, and spend the day somewhere else, with your husband and without them? Spending xmas day in a 'conventional' way is not obligatory.

NfkDumpling Thu 04-Dec-14 07:23:04

Perhaps their feuding is a sort of upmanship? If you do as granjura says and remove yourselves from the argument it may mean you all have a separate Christmas's but happy ones and next year, who knows?


Liz46 Thu 04-Dec-14 07:38:30

A friend of mine is going away for Christmas with two other ladies. She was nervous about telling her family but they were o.k. about it.

Elizabeth1 Thu 04-Dec-14 07:54:42

Perhaps if you choose your own 'thing' to enjoy at Christmas your DD's might either take the hump or waken up to the fact you have a life apart from them. Don't go berating yourself about their individual behaviours you've done your part and I'm sure done it well. It's time for you to enjoy special moments Remove the negatives and enjoy the positives. flowers

J52 Thu 04-Dec-14 08:05:54

How upsetting for you. It is really hard, as a parent of grown up children when they behave like this and things are said that remain said, forever! (Recent personal experience) Especially at Cristmas time.

You sound like a lovely caring mum, trying to do the best for everyone. Take some time to get over their selfish behaviour and, as others have said, spend the day with DH enjoying yourselves.

Sometimes adult children seem to revert to childish behaviour at Christmas.
Hope it works out well. flowers x

FarNorth Thu 04-Dec-14 08:14:49

Maybe your daughters would prefer to spend Xmas in their own separate ways, anyway.
Just say to them that, as no-one seems to enjoy being together at Xmas, you've decided not to do that this year.
It'll be a relief for you and possibly for them also.

gillybob Thu 04-Dec-14 08:30:37

Oh families can be horrible to each other can't they angiebaby? I agree with janeainsworth. I think you should extend a warm invitation to both daughters with/without partners (their choice) but make it clear you will not tolerate fighting or bickering and that you want a peaceful enjoyable day. It is then up to them whether they choose to come or not. Mind you the first sign of trouble you will have to be true to your word and ask them to leave. Best of luck. flowers

Grannyknot Thu 04-Dec-14 09:08:07

angie it's a sorry situation but have you thought about it this way: if you take yourself (and husband) out of the equation, it may solve a lot of problems.

So, I agree with those who say, do your own thing. A few years ago my husband and I took ourselves off to Barcelona for Christmas and afterwards my daughter told me it was a relief in a way because she wasn't in the mood for a big family Christmas and told her brother that, and he was equally as relieved because he had been invited by his then girlfriend's parents and "didn't know how to tell you" so everyone was trying to please everyone else and with us out of the way, it all worked out and both my children got what they wanted.

We had a fabulous time in Barcelona. I'll never forget sitting on the beachfront on Christmas day watching surfers in the water! It was 15 degrees that day.

Grannyknot Thu 04-Dec-14 09:11:58

BTW the "Barcelona flit for Christmas" was my idea because I wasn't in the mood (nor had the energy) that year for being Chief Organiser of Christmas and no one else stepped up to take on the task.

jellybeans123 Thu 04-Dec-14 16:22:09

My adult daughters don't speak to each other (complete non contact).

I am of the opinion that one of them has brought this situation about through unreasonable behaviour.

It is extremely upsetting and uncomfortable for me.
If you think it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other I agree with planning for a quiet Christmas on your own.
In my situation I worry about the one who is relatively "blame free" if you like feeling unsupported by the whole family.
I hate it-you have my sympathyflowers

Tegan Thu 04-Dec-14 16:34:48

I've just seen my neighbour arrive home with her daughter after a shopping expedition. It gives me a lump in my throat when I think of the friction in my family.Feel as though I've failed in some way but don't know how or why.

numberplease Thu 04-Dec-14 16:59:38

Angela, do your own thing, as others have suggested, AND BUGGER `EM!!

Mishap Thu 04-Dec-14 17:01:35

Please don't feel you have failed Tegan - we cannot control everything in our lives and sometimes we just have to go with the flow because it truly is just how life is.

Mishap Thu 04-Dec-14 17:11:49

....and sometimes pother people's lives look all sweetness and light from the outside but they too have their problems. They do not broadcast them to the nation.

jellybeans123 Thu 04-Dec-14 17:32:09

That is true mishap-you could, on occasion, see me returning from a shopping trip with either of my daughters but I am walking on eggshells because of their poor relationship with each other (they had a close but volatile relationship before their big fall out two years ago).

I don't want to take this over but would people still do their own thing even if one daughter had caused the upset and the other had gone NC in response?
I really feel for angiebaby and I would also welcome your opinions.

Elizabeth1 Thu 04-Dec-14 18:44:37

Tegan there's nowt for you to think you've gone wrong. It is natural to feel sore and hurting at times when families behave the way they do. Perhaps they'll think someday of where they have gone wrong. Be kind to yourself you've done your best and that's all we can ask of ourselves. flowers and hugs.