New here - wanting advice please

Why don't you try inviting her as well as your grandson out? I always felt My inlaws were trying to separate me from my eldest when she was really little and it was horrible. If they'd actually made the effort to get to know me and involve me too it could have been different.
As it was they were so over bearing (I now see that actually they are just trying to find their place as gp - not an easy job) I used to hide from them.
Talk to her like a adult. Ask her - not through your son - to her face -if she'd like to go for a walk and a coffee with you, if she says yes, she'll probably let you push the pram etc. 11 weeks is still very little.

wizzsigns I too welcome you to GN. As shysal says yours is indeed an all too common problem and sadly for some of us all contact with our child and grand children has ceased and her advice is sound, although not easy for you to do.

There's nothing you can do but hope that things will improve and enjoy the time that you do get to spend with your GC. Don't give up hope and do let us know when you see your GC again.

The OP has not been persistently harrassing her son and d.i.l. to see her GC Leonora, and her understandable desire to be a part of her GC's life did not cause the row, that was caused by the unreasonable behavior toward his mother.

If he has been asked to choose between her needs and his mothers, that has not been asked of him by the OP. The OP's son demonstrated courage and compassion by making a stand and ensuring that his child enjoys a loving relationship with both sets of GP's.

Had our son had just a little of both, we wouldn't be having to live without him and both of our GC and they without us.

wizzsigns, welcome to GN. . I think Leonora's comments are probably directed at the original poster, as you are not harassing anyone. Unfortunately yours is an all too common problem, as you will have noticed if you have read other threads. The danger is that if you complain you could be denied access, which would be a worse situation. I hope things will improve for you, but in the meantime you have to try not to dwell on the separation, but look forward to the next meeting with your GD.

Yes, I do feel you have been unreasonable.
This persistent harassment of the young couple for extra access to their child has caused a massive argument between them. Your son has actually been asked to choose between your needs, and his wife's, quite natural anxieties.
The happiness of their marriage is vital to your grandchild's well-being; and it would be wrong to let your needs become the rocks upon which their relationship might founder.
You have adequate access to your grandchild, you are not overlooked, and as time passes you daughter in law will relax and might even be grateful for any extra help. But if you are seen as a troublemaker, you won't be top of the list.

wizzsigns welcome and sorry you are feeling this way - you are not alone and there are a lot of other gns in the same or worse position to you, you do at least see you granddaughter albeit not often. There could be lots of reasons your DIL's mother gets to do all the babysitting. You say you run a business so presumably work - they may feel that they don't want to ask in case you're too busy or perhaps they live too far away - are you in the US (mom reference ) Do you speak to your son on a regular basis and is he your only child? Wondering if a sibling could perhaps mention you're feeling left out or maybe a friend of the family. It is a very sad and difficult situation but I guess 3 years down the line they've probably just got into a routine and may not even realise what they've done. I'm sure others will have much better advice who have more experience but try not to get too despondent .

Sorry you are going through this
Do you visit them? Make arrangements to meet up? How far away do you live? Have you spoke to your son about it?

I am seeing this is an old thread? I am brand new and this is my first day. I just joined because I feel heartbroken and left out as well. I have a 3 year old grand daughter and have never yet been allowed to babysit. At first I thought because the baby was so bonded to her mom, but the maternal grandmother babysits frequently. We are back burner on holidays as well. Its been e years now and visits are only every few months for an hour or 2. I am not allowed to even take her for ice cream. I run a business. Also a licensed caregiver and very responsible. I am treated like I am not trusted. But if the birthday party costs hundreds you can bet I am allowed to pay for that. My problem is that I am getting very depressed now and often because it's been a couple months since a visit. I am about to give up hope. I never dreamed of this kind of heartbreak because of family. Seeing I am not the only one that gets treated this way helps in a way, but also I am not seeing a way to make things better.

Sorry Ana, I didnt decide to bring up a subject again, I hadnt seen the date of the last post. I now will be very vigilant not to cause such annoyance

When my children were babies I lived nearer MIL so she had the children when I went back to work. So it can work, it did for me. Perhaps this is why I was so upset initially, when I didn't get the chance to look after my Gchild. Well I'm over that now, I've got my own life to live. I help out now and then and enjoy it. DIL's mother is busy with Gchild all the time, she looks knackered, ha ha!

I feel sorry for the son, why put pressure on him? First time Dads need time to adjust to fatherhood, this poor man has mother battling partner . It must be difficult for some paternal grandparents but I so remember when we had our first baby, I would only leave her with my parents, can it not be that a new Mother feels safe with her own mother because she has experienced her mothers mothering - if that makes sense

Hi Tegan, I am the same, I do try but it never goes my way! Oh yes if they need anything (money) they are on the phone! Well blow them, we are coming up to retirement and I want to spend the cold winter months in a warmer climate, I'm not going to worry about them, they obviously don't worry about me/us! G/son is gorgeous but won't stop me doing what I/we want!

Hi, I haven't read all the replies (too many to read all at once) but I am in a similar position. I feel for you, it hurts my heart when DIL family are always put before my family. I will never discuss things again with my son, the last time I tried to he went straight to DIL and told her what I had said. She then got on the phone to me, enough said!
My grandson is now 3 and asks to come to my house, yippee, you might think? Mum always comes too! I can't win!
I don't know what the answer is. I was talking to a friends daughter who is pregnant, I explained the above. She said she didn't think MIL was interested and she wasn't going to take baby round there!
Mothers with sons do seem to miss out on the grandchildren.

OK fine - thanks for the heads up Ana - am beginning to get the hang of this but may take a little while longer - i.e lots more mistakes to be made.

I think the OP is long gone. It's just another thread confusedbeetle has decided to bring up again.

I would advocate getting good legal advice at this point in time. It need not be expensive - many solicitors offer free legal advice in the first instance. Your DS will have rights - assume his name is on the birth certificate? If so he could easily apply for "parental rights" ? (not sure of the correct terminology) - and horrible, as it may seem at this stage, it may be better for your DS and also your DGS, if he were to get his own place to live and ask for regular contact with his son. This might focus his partner into "growing up" and deciding whether she wants to be a grown up and get on with her new family life with her baby and her man, or whether she wants to be the perpetual child with mummy doing everything for her and in control. Other "nanny" makes me think of "Bread" the old TV programme and maybe in today's TV Mrs Brown's Boys? Not meaning to be flippant. Not every girl (let alone boy) wants to leave mummy!!

Saying this, I do feel for Niknox's situation and it does seem that the DS has been taken advantage of - probably because he's a nice guy who wants to please everybody - he doesn't come across as a trouble maker or a bad guy - so perhaps it is time for him to stand up and assert himself from a position of strength - hence my advice to get good legal advice. Forewarned is forearmed as they say. Just MOP as mother of two boys.

Niknox

I assume that your son and his partner are not married. That presumably means that he has fewer automatic paternal rights? Perhaps you could check the legal position online. If that is the case, you and he need to tread carefully. If your son and his partner break up, he is likely to be the loser. An uncooperative mum can make it very difficult for a dad to get access.

It does appear from your latest post that your son's partner was being unreasonable but your earlier posts did suggest there was a bit of a power struggle going on between you and your son's partner/mother-in-law. As I think many people suggested, even if the situation was unfair, it was probably better not to keep pushing it. I think that advice should still be heeded, however unfair the situation is at the moment, because your son appears to be getting very upset and also it appears he is having arguments with his partner - which is probably best avoided given the circumstances.

The young couple are clearly unhappy in their living situation and they need to sort that out for themselves. Niknox's DS needs to have a discussion with his wife rather than avoid the issue.
Niknox's wish to see more of the DGS is understandable but I think the tongue-holding on that has to continue, as otherwise more problems could be caused.

I am increasingly alarmed about all this. I agree with SolLady, there is trouble ahead. My daughter has recently become alienated from her MIL exactly because of the granny demands to "have the baby" This young couple are struggling . However, they are old enough to be parents and need to sort out their relationship without the help or interference of anyone else.
Hopefully they will soon have their own home and should hunker down and focus on each other and the baby. No other relative should be involved. Other wise the next thing that will happen is that they will split up and the child will lose a father. It is in everyones interest that this baby has both loving parents together. This is far more important that a Nanny's need. I know this sounds harsh and not want you want to hear. Loving support is sometimes backing off and leaving them to sort it out. I have personal experience of parents interfering and it does more harm than good. I also feel that no one should tell them what to do at Christmas,another minefield.
If they come to visit it should be because they want to, and you should feel privileged and loved. It is a joy, not a right. Don't risk losing it or you will lose the child entirely

I am sorry but I see trouble ahead.... The fact that he lives with his inlaws and they seem to be such a controlling force means that there are going to be arguments.

This is a really tough situation but this could seriously effect their relationship and marriage. Have they talked about getting a place of their own so they don't have her families influence?

I hope everything works out for you and your grandson.

It is never nice to have a row but it is nice to see that your DS has stuck up for you in this instance and seen things from your point of view, good on him. I do hope you get to see your grandson more now, and your son too, of course.

Definitely!

Let's hope so Loopylou! I told him I've never wanted to see my grandson every day - that's not normal, nor do I want to interfere with how they raise him. I just wanted to be treated a little bit more equally, have similar privileges as maternal nan, such as taking him out in his buggy to the park or something. But every such request has always been met with a "no", and then his partner told me to stop asking altogether, and said that if I did stop asking to see baby then I would see baby more - she said that weeks and weeks ago and nothing changed. Obviously my son has been sitting on the sidelines for a long time, perhaps hoping things would change without him having to blow his top, but sadly not. Sometimes however it does take a few home truths for things to change doesn't it.

Fingers crossed

Good for him!
Hopefully this will be the start of a wonderful time for you and the baby

Telling her a few home truths seems to have worked!

Just a little update, and thank you all for your replies so far. Things came to a bit of a head this week, as my son had reached the end of his tether. My best friend, who has known my son since he was born, has recently moved in two doors from me (which is just fab!), and as my son is a carpenter she asked if he would go round to have a look at a few things she wants doing. He had been away all of the bank holiday weekend, with his partner and son, her mother and her mother's friends, so said he would go round to see her on Tuesday evening. That also happens to be the night my friend and a couple more of my friends meet up on weekly, and so I asked him if he would bring baby with him as none of my friends had met him yet and were always nagging me about it and asking when they could meet him. My son text me and said that was fine. Then later he text me and said that his partner had said baby was poorly and he wouldn't be bringing him. I said that was okay, of course, as baby was ill, but suggested that perhaps the following week he could bring him round just for 10 minutes so my friends could meet him. He said "I'll see what I can do - after all his other nan's friends have all met him, so it's about time your friends met him too". On Tuesday evening he arrived at my house with baby!!! I said I was surprised to see baby with him (baby was absolutely fine by the way, no sign of illness), and he just broke down. He said he'd had enough of me being treated so differently to maternal nan and had in fact spent the afternoon arguing by text with his partner. He told her that he wanted me to see baby for more than an hour a week, that he wanted me to have baby on my own, that I had done what his partner had asked (ie not asking to see baby outside of my allocated hour) yet nothing had changed, that baby was now 7 months old and therefore things had to change, that he was sick of her mother interfering and that he hadn't said anything before because he didn't want there to be an argument. He told me that when he arrived home, he walked into the living room and there was his partner, her mother, her mother's partner and his children and no-one spoke to him!! He picked up baby, popped him into his car seat and said "I'm going to my mums with baby, we're taking him round to her friends and you're not going to tell me I can't. I've had enough of you controlling me. Just bear in mind that I don't have to live here" and with that walked out! Of course I was super proud of him, because quite honestly it needed to be said, but was also worried about him going home again, especially as no-one had spoken to him when he got in from work.

Anyway, we all had a lovely time with baby, and I'm also seeing him again tonight (my allocated evening). My son told me yesterday that he was okay and that his partner had taken in everything he said. He said "things will be changing mum".

Let's hope so

It certainly sounds somewhat thoughtless to me, but how you convey this to them without causing difficulties heaven only knows Tegan
I do feel for you, x