Grandma wants to be Mum

Is it only me who's alarmed at this mother in law's desire to parent her grandchild?
She's said things like can DD live with her she can look after her.
That does not sound to me as though this grandmother wants to be helpful, she's indicating that she actually wants to take over the rearing of the child and implying in a very obvious way that she thinks the child is not currently being well looked after. I can't get my head around a grandmother actually asking a mother if the grandchild can go and live with her unless there was serious cause for concern.

Yes we aren't on drugs benefit's and we rarely drink oh has a good job on a very good wage and I'm a qualified nurse don't understand her problem sometimes

veexox -I don't reckon it matters how capable you or your DH are.
Your mil has a problem and doesn't know or isn't aware of 'boundaries'.
I'd speak up before it blows up !!

Just my thoughts - but I'd try and deal with it in a controlled situation because if it all blows up and the c**p hits the fan, then all sorts of things may be said that cannot be unsaid.

And you are likely to feel better once it is aired, one way or the other.
Rather than it eating away at you.

I only Skype at a prearranged time - actually, I turn on the Skype and ds Skypes me (in and around the prearranged time) because dgs may not be in best form/tired/sleeping/ when the actual clock/time strikes.

As someone previously said - turn off the Skype.
If mil texts and asks you to Skype just say, not possible at present (and add a smiley to soften it .

veexox - you must stand your ground. My son went through a similar situation when my granddaughter was born, his partner's mother took over and made him feel very superfluous and undermined, a feeling that stayed with him for quite a while and he has had words with her as a consequence. He does capitulate to his partner a bit too often, mainly for a quiet life.

Reading your post made me feel angry on your behalf as you are clearly going through the same sort of thing. Like your parents we actually live fairly near, about 5 miles away, whilst the maternal grandparents are at least 70 miles away, but guess who see gc the most, and if she isn't with them every other week-end and for up to a couple of weeks at a time in the holidays, maternal grandmother is also is skyping her daily. Annoyingly the couple of times we have taken gd away, (with her parents) maternal gm was on the phone daily requesting a conversation at 5 pm, gd was about a year and 2 and a half respectively on these occasions, therefore her conversational skills were quite limited and she would either be asleep or absorbed in what ever she was doing at the time and not interested in being dragged to the phone, so it became quite a nuisance.

I don't understand these women who become grandmothers and then want to take over, there's something quite smothering about it. We have all had our stab at being a mother and should stand back and enjoy the role of grandparent and be happy in that supporting role.

I think you are going to have to tell her how you feel even if you risk upsetting her, she is undermining your position as the mother and clearly making you stressed and unhappy. Good luck.

My MiL conveniently forgot I was a qualified nurse too and was treating DH with rest and plenty of fluids when he had a rotten cold. She appeared at our house with half a pharmacy of useless remedies as she knew better than me how to treat a cold and I hadn't a clue what I was doing.

You have my sympathy, veexox. Your MiL needs to back off and you probably need to tell her. Four or five days a month is too much even if you loved her company. Good luck!

Some assertiveness classes for you perhaps?

Ive just had my friend to visit, in floods of tears because her DD has forbidden her to see DGD again, the xmas presents have been given back, baby clothes returned. It was so sad, another sad Christmas for someone I know.
However with a bit of subtle questioning I found out my friend is trying to interfere and has said some tactless things about her late husband, and I know from experience that when a parent dies they become a saint, no matter what they were like in real life. I have given her a lecture saying the sort of things you have been all saying, telling her to back off a bit, not to make comments and above all not to say anything about the late father to her DD.
My friend sounds just like veexox's mother in law.
We have a new role to play when we become grannies and its a supporting role unless we need to step in in the event of illness etc.
As women its our nature to interfere but we must use common sense, my mother always interfered and we never stopped her and hence we had little private life so I know what its like.
Hope you get it sorted veexox

we all must keep our feelings under control,,,say nothing,,,as much as we want to,,,,be there for them,,,dont give advice unless asked,,as they always know best,,,,,they dont think we have been through all that they are going through,,,,,been there got the t shirt so to speak, be there when asked,,,,,,,a million grandparents have brocken hearts,,,,,but we will survive,,,bless you all,,,,my heart has been brocken many times,,,,,but i must stand up grit my teeth and just enjoy it when i see my kids and grandkids......conveiniant to them of course,,,,,,,,,, !!!!!!!!!!!

With a bit of luck your MiL might even be one of us here on gransnet!

She might even see your post. Its a good job we don't use our own names on here isn't it.

I wonder if it has ever happened on here, for someone to read a post and recognise it as their own situation?

Maybe forward this link to her, then she would see how wrong she is??

In any case we are united in agreeing that she is completely out of order. What is her husbands position in all of this? Can he get a word in edgeways? Could he be approached?

probably hen pecked, scared to speak up

Angiebaby. I dont expect to be given advice when I haven't specifically asked for it my parents don't do it. I'm sure when you were first childrearing did your MIL/Mother stick her nose in constantly? We as new parents need to be able to make our own choices/mistakes DD is loved very much just because we raise our children differently doesnt make it wrong. I've never denied access/visits to MIL but we need our own life as well I don't need to let her stay over 5 days a month with constant access to her but I know she loves her. I was brought up thinking to respect elders but maybe we do need to tell her to butt out a little,

I find her behaviour annoying at times I dont want to have to entertain her constantly while my DH is at work if she wanted to take dd out for a couple of hours while she was here I would be okay with that. She wont take her out on her own yet she says my childrearing is rubbish, me and DH let her have her for the weekend as she was pestering us she had her for one night then took her back early the next morning obviously she couldnt cope but pretends she can and dd should live with her. then she follows me and dd round all day and wont go out anywhere shopping/activities or walking with FIL (FIL has aspergers so doesnt understand conflict etc) . She has to be near DD but she wont take her anywhere without me if you get what I mean but if I'm there she criticises my parenting. If I go meet a friend with DD she will sulk and when I get back my house has been rearranged.
Just seems odd behaviour imo.

I agree that your mil's behaviour is a bit odd. On the one hand, when she visits you she could be taking your dd out for granny time but isn't taking advantage of the opportunity - where she would be responsible.
And yet on the other is suggesting that your dd could live with her.

In a previous post in this thread I mentioned about how my son is up front about what is suitable/convenient and that I go along with the flow. This is an example of his forthrightness.

I have just finished a telephone conversation with him.... I rang him (very long distance international call). I just had a need to hear his voice. (By way of explanation ds and I lived for 22 years with my psychotic schizophrenic DH until I took ds and myself away, before we ended also ended up with health issues from the stress)

It is now 4am here in UK and he is 8 hours behind us i.e. 8pm his time. Ds answered, happy to hear from me, baby under his arm getting baby settled. I asked are you ok to chat, up to your eyes ?? Ds says I'm settling XXXXX but I'm grand for a few minutes. We happily chatted for a few minutes (10). Then Ds said.... Hey Mum, I'm going to have to go now, things to do. I says... no bother.... ...
We both say---- we'll chat/skype soon.

The point I'm making is...... DS speaks up, no offence is meant or taken.
If he speaks up then I know that if I ring and it's not suitable, he will say so. If I'd like a longer chat then it is pre-arranged

Now.... we are not like the perfect Waltons, we can each irritate the other..... and we know this. If on occasion I have (rarely cos I'm careful) overstepped the mark I am told ---- back off a bit Mum or, Why would you need to know......
My response is usually.... 'OK, point taken'...... or because I'm a nosey Mum - point still taken".

Veexox if your mil has any sense at all she will conform to a friendly family discussion with regard to establighing ground rules.

Veexox I'm trying to see it from your MIL point of view. How long is it since you married, moved away from her? Has she got a life of her own where she lives? I know you said that she looks after her husband who has Aspergers and this is a very trying thing to do in itself. Who looks after him while she is with you? She probably feels insecure for one. For another she probably has the world turning on what you are all doing and has not learned yet to let go a bit. She needs some help in finding things to do which are not connected to her family. Is there any way you could look in her area on the internet and see what clubs she could join? Does she have any friends where she is? I think she is putting all her eggs into one basket with you and looks forward immensely to skyping you and seeing you. I do think that the length of time she stays needs to be altered, maybe by a night at a time until it's down to two nights.

But I do think that maybe if you go in guns blazing then she could be very hurt. I don't think she is doing anything on purpose. Her putting you down is obviously not true as she can't cope with the baby on her own. I would just ignore what she says and if anything praise what she does and that you would be lost without her help at times. I have always thought that when a child is naughty, they are really demanding attention. So I have given more time to that child and it works, they start to behave themselves. It's very hard to do sometimes when they have wound you up but I have found good results through perseverance.

I would search out some things on the internet for her to go to, clubs, groups etc. I would save a couple of little jobs that she could do on the next visit and praise her, saying that she does it better than you. I would ignore the comments and see if they start to fade if you throw a compliment or two. I would try to encourage her to take the baby out on her own as this seems to be a problem for her, start with a walk to the end of the street maybe. I would sit down with husband and sort out how to cut one night off her visit without upsetting her. And I would expect him to have some time at home with his own mother on their own, maybe she is missing the one to one with him too. She could be a very lonely woman, lost, be careful and gentle but slowly, hopefully she will feel more secure and then feel better about herself and letting you all have a bit of breathing space.

Good luck.

I think that she is getting away with this because you are a young mother and too polite!
It would be best to sit down with your DH and discuss it , put in your boundaries and have a united front.
It will be much more difficult without his help, but you need to be more forceful and put your foot down over some things. She couldn't get away with it in anyone else's house and there is no reason why she should in yours.
She is a bully- the only way to stop it is to stand up to her- with DH is the easiest way.

Could it also be linked to FIL having Aspergers too, where often there is little affection ( DD had a boyfriend with it, they lived with us for several months and so I do have some experience of observing the behaviours) demonstrated and so she is seeking it from you, your DH and your baby? * ruby*'s comments about eggs in one basket made me think.

Rubylady has made some very good points. My own MiL was the same, her marriage wasn't too good at the time so she was a bit lost I think. Although she lived close by so never stayed over the 'advise' and 'help' was overpowering. I had PND and she meant it for the best but she just made me feel worse and the rift got so bad it ended with an enormous row and we didn't see them for several years.

Do sit down together and talk it through before it gets too far.

Good luck

veexox I had a feeling of deja vu when I read this thread and realised that you had posted about your MIL dilemma a year ago.

I am sorry to hear that you are still having problems. You really have to have a serious talk with your DH and get him to see what is going on, either to tell his mother to stop criticising and taking over or to severely curtail her visits.

Ps he may not believe you unless he hears her himself.
Believe me, I know and do sympathise as someone in my family had similar problems with both PIL.

Sit down with your OH and decide how much of her you can cope with - offer her that and no more. Be prepared for a bit of flack but stick to your guns.

veexox why on earth did you allow your MIL stay four to five days a month every month. You knew what she was like from living at her house previously. Also you don't have to let her Skype very week, just don't answer, if you speak to her later, tell her it was inconvenient. You can turn your phones off.

Her behaviour is overbearing but you are letting her carry on. You will have to tell her yourself, your husband isn't going to, so if you want it to stop, tell her. Also tell her to stop putting you down.

My MIL was spiteful and my husband warned me about her. Even my SILs said she was difficult. One time she was running me down to DH and he said, "she is my wife," that stopped the criticising but another time she was very rude to me so I cut all contact for a year. There is no law that says you have to put up with odd people, so don't.

One golden rule for grandparents: never give advice unless it is asked for. Make friends with your DiL and behave in her home as you would in a valued friend's house, unless your help is specifically requested. Your MiL is way out of order, veevox, and her son, your OH, is the one who needs to raise this with her. I wonder what she was like when he was growing up - is he in awe of her?

I don't think it's the actual giving of advice, it's more how it's given. Some of us I imagine have become very adept at slipping in the odd word of wisdom without it registering as 'advice' or dealing with a situation, perhaps by distraction, which helps show another way to deal with children.

Though I agree best kept to a minimum.

* I wonder what she was like when he was growing up is he in awe of her?*

Has he ever stood up to her? I wonder if he has always done as he was told for an easy life? The key is getting your DH to take it seriously and lay down some boundaries.
If he won't you can do some things yourself-some of it is easy enough-e.g. the food-discuss the menu first and agree it and then tell her she is not cooking her own! Switch off Skype. Keep one step ahead.

The other side of the coin is the MIL that I had.

She had no time for our son and daughter, never ask them to stay over or take them out anywhere. Had no interest in them whatever.

When my mother died we were staggered when she offered to have the children while we went to the funeral.
I rang the day before the funeral to tell her the time we would bring the children down and to our shock she said " Oh sorry I'm taking N & J to the circus so can't."

The light of her life was her daughters children who she couldn't do enough for.