Grandma wants to be Mum

Keep her busy. If she won't eat the food you cook ask her to cook for every one,every night while she visits. No visits longer than three days(fish and visitors stink after three days is a golden rule) change your Skype name and don't tell.put your phone on divert for her number . I've been an unwelcome MIL to my SIL unless my DD wants lengthy childcare and I have learnt the hard way with many bitter tears on the way. It has worked as they requested to spend Xmas with us,have given us extravagantly generous presents and freely admit it when their children say they prefer Grandpa's company on holiday and Grandma's cooking .all mainly due to listening to Gransnetters and close reading of the MIL threads on Mumsnet. Get your Mil to join either of these if not both.

Hello again veexox! I remember you posting a year ago about how unbearable you were finding it living with your in-laws with your (then) 6 month old baby. You were talking then about moving a distance away so I assume you were successful,but then the next problem- meddling MIL again!
Maybe she is trying to be helpful, but with help like hers who needs hindrances? You and your DH do have to spell it out, this is your home and much as you like her to vist (!) you would prefer her to respect that. If not, then day visits but no overnight stays or you will take your child to visit her when you can manage.But that won't be as often or for long.
Your home, your rules.

Why does she have to stay with you at all?
Explain that you are finding it a bit claustrophobic (or however you want to express it) having your PiLs to stay so much and that you think you would all get on much better if they stay in a hotel or self-catering, when they visit you.
At least then she wouldn't be around you 24hrs a day.

Also ask her to cut down on the skyping to, maybe, once a week. If she won't do that then switch it off & ignore texts, even change your phone number if necessary, as others have said.

Your DH needs to be 'on your side' and should not accept his mother criticising you. You both need to discuss the situation so that you will be united in how you will deal with your MiL.

veexox - welcome to Grans net. I think it's great that you came here for advice and help.

I had experiences like yours over 40 years ago but it was my mum who was bossy and critical. I used to almost beg my husband to say something to her but he never would - she could be quite scary.

If this is MILs first grandchild she is probably having "first grandchild syndrome" as I call it. The new baby brings all those maternal feelings surging back in the grannies.

I think I'm quite a thoughtful and careful person but when my first grandchild was born I had to resist the urge to offer advice and try to take over.

It didn't happen with the second grandchild or the third one.

Your MIL should be more self aware. She does sound quite needy as well. So if you do have a word with her be as kind as you can. It will all calm down in time.

I know it's hard veexox to stand up for yourself. The person I found the most interfering and critical was one of my older sisters. She was a nightmare and had no children when my first two were born. She once told my two year old she spoke too much. Another time two of my sisters stormed out of a restaurant because they didn't like the way my 14 month old daughter ate. DD was sitting quietly in a high chair eating finger food. I have no contact with them now but I put up with a lot when I was your age. I wish I cut most of my family out of my life from the time my first child was born. Some people are strange and they don't become nicer, they usually become worse as they get older IMO.

Just wanting to add to the general view expressed that your MIL is way out of order and you shouldn't have to put up with that level of interference in your life. How often was she in contact before you had a GC? I wondered if she was ever present in her son's life?

Your post made me think of a friend who doesn't have grandchildren yet. However she does have two step children and two daughters, the latter are in their early twenties, the former a little older. Friend is someone who has devoted her life to her family, she has few friends and a little part time work in her husband's consultancy but her life revolves around the family and always has - 24/7. The step children have moved to other countries (surprise, surprise), now that her daughters are in a nearby major city, she takes every (and I mean every) opportunity to go and see them and phones them or expects them to phone her every day. Recently one of the step children caused an awful ruckus about her childhood, I mustn't say too much in a public forum but what the SD said was a description of someone overbearingly interfering and manipulative. The SM, my friend, is very well meaning in her concern about the children, but I suddenly saw something I'd never seen before though I had noticed and sometimes been irritated by her desire to analyse and explain the behaviour of everyone in the family in every possible situation. I think my friend may well, with the very best of intentions, become like your MIL once GC arrive and she is desperate for that to happen.

Words like over-controlling come to mind, what I see in my friend is anxiety, depression, the need to be needed in the face of emptiness in life now that the children have grown. Is this helpful? I don't know, I hope so, I don't think the way your MIL is behaving is normal but she'll probably never be able to hear that. I would say she does need help and so do you to keep her at arm's length!!

veexox I also remember your post of nearly a year ago and feel so sorry that you still have such a stressful problem,your MIL sounds as though she will not let the apron strings be broken at all and wants to be involved with everything you and your OH do regarding your little one.
Under no circumstances would I have her staying with you, she should when invited stay at a B&B or Hotel for a couple of nights not move herself into your home.
Does your mum visit when your MIL stays or does she tend to stay away,it would be good to hear what your mum thinks of the situation but I think you OH has to stand up to his mum and tell her that you both feel she has to stop this behaviour,it will certainly upset her but she needs to realise this child is yours and yours alone,best of luck sweetie I hope your OH can find the right time to tell her some home truths & to respect your rolls as parents.

Its hard to marry a favourite son or an only son as their mothers are in love with them and they are then taken away by someone they could never approve of. The DIL has to stand up for herself if no one else will do it.veevox You have nothing to lose now and you have had a lot of good advice from GNetters.

So many of us have had MILs who we didn't get on with. There is a generation gap which has to be overcome and I am convinced it is the older person ( more mature and wiser) who should take over the main job of keeping the relationship going.
When DD1 was in Catholic Kindergarten here in Germany the nuns always drew a finger over their lips to note: Keep the mouth zipped shut! and the children had to practice this for a few minutes.
When my Gcs were born DH and I used this finger sign to warn each other to keep quiet. Not that I never say anything. If something really bothers me I choose my time and put it across as 'just an observation.....
If you have anything to say to your MIL then choose a quiet time and say it in a nice voice but be firm.

Oh margaret your much nicer than me. I kick my husband very hard

Maybe you could approach this from your daughter's point of view, ie I can imagine that it is a bit disruptive to her routine to have them coming over and changing all the rules. As your daughter approaches the 'terrible twos' she needs a routine and a consistent approach to how things are managed. You could say their constant visits are unsettling and you would like them to keep their distance for a while to settle her into a proper routine and then see how it goes from there. When things have settled down again maybe invite them for a meal in a pub/restaurant (maybe meet them halfway?) and make it clear they are not invited to stay over. Or you could cook something for their arrival and have it all ready if this is too expensive.

With regard to the Skype your OH needs to suggest that every day is a bit excessive, maybe cut it down to once a month with a visit in between when you start again . We live abroad and Skype our son once a month if we are lucky!

5 days a month is tooooooo long. I feel for you. I can cope with my parents visiting for no longer than 4 days every few months. Since we do child care for one set of grandchildren, having great grandparents stay for longer is stressful. Now, when we go to see our other children and grandchildren, about every 2-3 months, we stay in a hotel.
I'll offer to help if they are busy doing something: washing up, loading the dishwasher, hanging out the washing, doing ironing, but if I've been invited to visit, then I don't rush in.
My MIL ALWAYS hoovered or polished when she came, even though I'd cleaned the way you do before an in-laws visit, saying she just liked to keep busy, but she didn't interfere with my child rearing so I decided to let her get on with it, even hopefully leaving the odd basket of ironing around.
Perhaps you could take the reins by mentioning that you'd noticed she likes to keep busy while she's there, so could she . . .
Suggest she might like to play with her grandchild in the garden, or with a favourite toy or change a nappy or whatever - If you are making the suggestion you will feel more in control.
With regard to the food, could you tell her your week's menu and ask her what she'd like you to get in for HER meals if she'd like something else and offer to get it while you're doing your shopping.
For me the most important thing to discuss with your DH is how it makes you feel and the possibility of spacing the visits less frequently.

I wouldn't offer to make separate food for her. Tell her your suggested menu and ask if she'd like to change anything. If she makes a suggestion you are happy with, then fine. If she says what you have suggested is okay, then also fine. And expect her to eat what she is given.
Stop humouring your MiL's little whims and make her be an adult.

Poor girl!

Yes, it has just about all been said by the very wise contributors on this site but I wondered about a few further points:
it is your husband, home and baby (perhaps not in that order!); your MIL is probably jealous/lonely/feeling marginalised (probably enhanced by suspecting your own mother is with the baby all the time. Your MIL's physical distance may be distorting facts) however she is also devoid of love and empathy for her family to put you in this situation.

Enlisting fire-proof support from your husband, ensuring he won't crumble under pressure from his mother, is the first thing to do.

If that is in place, could you suggest that he sends these comments on to his mother? Or perhaps leave them laying around on this open page during a visit (which, incidentally is twice as long as should be, for both parties... as has been written, people are like fish!). When your MIL is in your home she is welcome to do tasks as requested by you. Otherwise she is a guest and should relax as such.

Whatever you both decide to do, it is your MIL (unless there are facts we are not aware of) that needs to make major changes if she wants to keep a relationship with your growing family.

What is your FIL's role here? Does he acquiesce to his wife's every whim? If so, your MIL is just a control freak and it wouldn't matter whose home she was in - she would be the same character, so don't take it too much to heart. Perhaps enlisting his support, by having him take your MIL out for a few hours a day during a visit could help a little?

Stand firm (oh dear! Our Skype has broken.....we'll have it fixed 'soon'........) and tell your MIL that although you do love and care about her, she is risking a fractured relationship with part of her family. She may hope that your son will 'take her side' if push came to shove in an argument, hence your talking the whole situation through with your husband, making him understand quite how sad (and cross!) you feel.