Birthdays blues

absent I still regret telling DS to send his grandma (my mother) a birthday card when he went off to uni last year, instead of picking one myself. Apparently he sent one of a very old lady holding her skirts up and dancing a jig whilst hanging on to her zimmer frame! she was furious with ME and requested that he stick to flowers on his cards in future.

He was rather upset as he had genuinely thought that she would love to be thought of like that, a sprightly old lady.

I think I shall send one on his behalf again, this year, just to be on the safe side. It's a real pain in the butt, but I ring them both up before every relative's birthday and Father's day. DBH rings them up before Mother's Day and my birthday. It saves so much hassle, it's worth it.

Well I went to my therapist today and after beating myself up for expressing my feelings to my daughter in law my therapist said she saw nothing wrong. She said its her experience that today's generation are selfish, feel entitled and gave no feelings of obligation toward their parents or grandparents. When my DIL said she has no time to stop over and she's busy with her kids on the weekend I could not believe it. She and her husband are teachers with ten weeks off and we never see them UNKESS we make the plans. But they do love our gifts to them. On our 25 th anniversary they barely could wait to leave the restaurant and told us the baby had to get home. The baby was quiet. No one even cared to take our picture but they have a million selfies of themselves. I ask myself how it got like this since our generation raised them. The only explanation I couldfigure out was that it has to be what they hear and see in the media.

That's rotten rhinestone (and others). I truly am not meaning to be smug but the younger generation are not all like that. Maybe I'm just lucky but my DD and DS tend to do me proud on special occasions like birthdays or mothers day. I'm not that bothered but it is lovely that they make the effort. Doesn't always involve a lot of money either - DS came to make me lunch last mothers day. A big thing for him involving a very early start, shopping for my favourite things, a long journey then preparing and serving it all. Half asleep too as he'd not finished work till 2am. I am lucky. Maybe you could tell your family what some people do?

I should change your therapist Rhinestone . A good therapist ought to help you to come to terms with your feelings NOT feed your sense of grievance.

Jane10 sorry but I really think that pointing out out their shortcomings and saying how wonderful other's families are is the way to build up resentment and not guilt.

"Anya* That was what I thought, too. A therapist should not be giving an opinion like that, she should be supportive but neutral. On the other hand, sometimes what is heard is not exactly what has been said.

Are you sure you have not filtered it to hear her agree with you, Rhinestone ?

As I said before, I do think your children were rather thoughtless but, like Anya, I too was very surprised to hear that a therapist made such a sweeping statement about young people. It is not a therapist's job to sit in judgment on the actions of others but to help the client to reflect on her/his negative feelings and to find more effective ways of dealing with them - that don't involve manipulative behaviour.

I agree with annsixty that trying to make someone feel guilty is not likely to make them more attentive but may risk driving them further away.

Yes OK I take everyone's point but I was keen to say that not all the younger generation are selfish and/or self absorbed. I suspect that Elegran is on to something re selective filtering what a therapist may have said. Its hard to believe that s/he would have said this. I reckon that maybe the rhinestone was referred to a therapist for more than disappointment with her family's behaviour towards her? Are there other issues too, all of which might have a bearing on how she feels about life in general?

I don't think much of that therapist. She may have had bad experiences herself but shouldn't have brought them into a therapy session. That was just plain unprofessional.

The therapist said that some of the young people today are selfish and entitled. Certainly she was trying to tell me it's not unusual. We both know not all are like that. What she and I have both seen is there is a feeling out there from some, not all, that each one take care of their own parent. This means she's not involved with his family's birthday like getting a gift but he decides what and if to get something. Unfortunately for us its conditional love and if my stepson decided we haven't done this or that we get punished.
When I married I felt we BOTH took on the responsibilities for each other's parents. By for some reason our kids don't ferl that way.