Gransnet forums


Looking for opinions re contact with GDs father

(26 Posts)
carol123 Wed 04-Feb-15 16:17:01

Just need to get someone elses views on this as not sure what will happen next. DD lives with me and DH. She was in an abusive relationship with boyfriend for 4years but never told us all about it until they parted. They have a baby now 6mths old. Her ex has rammed a door into her back, slapped her, left finger bruises on her arms n legs, left red marks all up her wrist and twisted her arms etc etc. She is prosicuting for assult. He was always so sorry would never do it again ...
He didnt want the baby wanted her to miscarry, shouted shut the f up in babys face, punched walls when she was feeding at night, told baby he hates her, wants her to die (yes to a baby) also hurt her legs pressing them down when she didnt keep still threw baby onto a bed. She told her friends and they reported it to SS. She threw him out the end of nov and then told me all about it.
He is applying for unsupervised access 3nights a week driven by his mother. His mother doesnt believe anything my daughter has said and told SS that my daughter has Munchausens disease. I have seen the red marks and heard him shouting and swearing at her here so know she is telling the truth. My daughter has offered the grandparents to visit baby anytime here and really wants them to see her as its babys family. She is afraid he will hurt baby if he has her with him and his parents dont see him as a risk thinks she made it all up. They have refused for my daughter to visit them with the baby when ex is at work (he lives with parents) Ex has also denied the baby is his to CSA and threatened to f my daughter up if she doesnt sign away his parental rights. But at the same time hes applied for access 3nights a week!!!! What do others think of this?

soontobe Wed 04-Feb-15 16:26:18

I wouldnt trust him.
I wouldnt trust his mother.

Sounds like he knows that the baby is his.

nightowl Wed 04-Feb-15 16:32:05

Just say no. And stick to it. No ifs, no buts. He is dangerous.

loopylou Wed 04-Feb-15 16:36:33

No, no, no way. Full stop.

Mishap Wed 04-Feb-15 16:39:14

Go back to SSD and tell them what he is asking for and your concerns. A court should be deciding access.

I am sorry that you are all going through this.

Ana Wed 04-Feb-15 16:39:20

He's not likely to be granted unsupervised access by the Court even if he got round to actually applying - not with SS and the police being involved in family issues.

Mishap Wed 04-Feb-15 16:40:01

Under no circumstances let your DD leave the baby with him while this is being sorted out.

Ana Wed 04-Feb-15 16:40:05

x posts Mishap

Katek Wed 04-Feb-15 17:27:56

Do not let him anywhere near her without supervision. This man is dangerous.

Penstemmon Wed 04-Feb-15 17:39:29

Ensue your DD has regular contact with SS and if you can engage a specialist legal firm that has experience of dealing with this type of situation.
Do not let the child have contact with her father. lf SS/police are involved I would think that is what they would be advising.
This man sounds dangerous because of the abuse and not very bright to be demanding access and denying paternity!

ninathenana Wed 04-Feb-15 17:41:09

Makes DD's sound like a saint. Believe me that's saying something.

No way should he have unsupervised access. I think if he's denying paternity he's unlikely to get even supervised access.

whenim64 Wed 04-Feb-15 17:53:19

Same as everyone else has said. For the sake of any other unsuspecting female he meets, she should tell the authorities about him and put the ball in his court to apply for formal access, which he wouldn't get, but police can log his violent and aggressive behaviour - it may be they have information about him already. She must stick to herr guns about offering grandparent contact, but not in their home as long as they would risk the child's safety by allowing him contact out of the mother's sight.

carol123 Wed 04-Feb-15 19:50:31

Thanks for all the replies. He has applied to the courts for access 3nights a week at his home (with parents) His mum really believes him when he denies it all and his dad was called here several times to ask him to leave when he kicked off - he lived here for 6 months. He would leave with his dad but return the next day.
Social services are opposing unsupervised access and have done an assessment so hopefully he wont get any or it will be in a contact center. His mum is convinced my DD made it all up - even though she sent her pictures of her arm when he hurt her. She has always thought my DD is a liar as her son is really good at telling her lies and saying its all in my DDs mind. Feel sorry for the GPs but they wont come here to visit and have barred my DD from their home saying she must drop baby there and collect her later which my DD wont do as they trust their son around the baby and dont see the risk. They also have 2 large German Shepherd dogs one of them constantly growled and snarled at the baby from the dog cage and they think it was feeling protective towards her!!!!! This was before they parted in November when DD used to visit. I think ex is psycho as he alternates from wanting baby to wanting her dead, being really nice to DD then abusive, wanting access then denying parentage, etc etc. She was with him 4yrs but the final straw was when he rammed a door into her back during babys christening party with 52 people here then told her it was her fault for not bringing him a nappy for the baby. He also told baby it was her fault he hated her as she kept being sick and crying!!!! The one good thing out of all this is my DD has now left him and wont be going back ever.

carol123 Wed 04-Feb-15 19:57:20

Forgot to say that police are prosecuting him for DV assult so that is going to court soon.
DD is very upset that GPs have not made contact with baby or asked how she is etc. She really wants them in babys life as it is the babys family even if her dad doesnt want her.
I have suggested DD writes a letter to ex's family inviting them to come here / meet at a park / cafe / soft play after all the court hearings are finished to try and keep contact with grandparents aunts etc going. What do others think?

TwiceAsNice Wed 04-Feb-15 20:04:33

Not only would I block access for the father I would block it for grandparents too . If they believe their son is not abusive they are in no position to protect the baby.abusers never change but they are adept at saying their behaviour is someone else's fault. The baby will always be at risk. Please use the police and social services to help you and keep him away from you all.

Ana Wed 04-Feb-15 20:10:08

I think she needs to be very careful.

It's unfortunate that your granddaughter may not grow up knowing two sets of loving grandparents, but as you say they are completely blind to their son's faults and that could lead to problems in the future.

The fact that they haven't made any attempt to reach a compromise with you and your DD speaks volumes.

Faye Wed 04-Feb-15 20:48:11

If the GPs deny how violent their son is, I would assume they have allowed him to bully others all his life. I would not bother inviting them to visit to see the baby.

carol123 Wed 04-Feb-15 20:57:29

Thanks for all the advice and replies - will update this thread when court cases for assult / access are finished and let you all know how it all works out. xxx

Iam64 Thu 05-Feb-15 18:42:55

carol123, just want to add my support to the good advice above. Your daughter has done all the right things, including attempting to encourage a relationship between her little one and paternal grandparents. Work with the sw and police involved as best you can and encourage your daughter to look after herself as that's what her baby needs.

rosequartz Thu 05-Feb-15 19:32:28

I would not want any of them in my life and definitely not in the baby's.

Deedaa Thu 05-Feb-15 22:04:25

I wouldn't worry about the grandparents, it's just not worth the risk. My DGS's only have one set of grandparents as the other set were much older. All their father's siblings are in the USA so they have very little contact with them but they don't seem to have suffered from it.

I'm as daft about dogs as anybody, but the whole dog thing sounds really worrying. Again it's just not worth the risk.

carol123 Wed 11-Feb-15 01:12:10

well things have moved on now - he has been formally charged with 2 assults on DD and has to go to court to enter a plea (dont know much about how this works as have never been to court neither has DD) And SS and CAFFCAS (think this is a court guardian for GD) have put in a report for the access hearing to say that they dont want any unsupervised access at all and no family members can supervise it at all. This is because I didnt ring police when he kicked off here as DD told me not to as his dad didnt want him to get in trouble. She did report it herself a few days later. And his mum cant supervise at her house as she says DD makes it all up and has Munchausens syndrom for attention!! His mum is making so much trouble kicking off shouting and swearing at police when they arrested him, turned up at police station shouting n swearing, saying my DD is mentally ill and invented it all, it just goes on. So the outcome is that the other GPs now cant come here to see baby and DD cant take baby there either. Oh and hes said my DD had several affairs and the baby isnt his and hes waiting for result of a DNA test - nobody has been contacted about this or recieved any notifications about one being in progress so hes lying again!!! My DD has only ever been with him he was her first and only BF and he knows this and was with her all the time - he is such a liar I hate him.
There are several toys at his house including christening gifts that he took when he left here - babys Xmas presents and his mum told the police that they had nothing there! Access hearing is set for the end of the month and they will probably call for doctor reports on DD but she has never had any mental health issues (yet) not even post natal depression.
He has admitted that he has depression and feels like hurting himself and others sometimes but wouldnt act on it !

carol123 Wed 11-Feb-15 01:23:59

thank you to everyone for your kind words of support - this is a nightmare for us all here and its great to have you all to chat to Thanks x

Iam64 Wed 11-Feb-15 08:53:42

Thanks for the update carol123, it's good to read that the sw and cafcass workers are opposed to unsupervised or contact supervised by family members. You don't want this man, or his parents, in your home. Look after yourself, your daughter and her baby and leave the father and his family to sort themselves out. Unlikely as that may seem!

whenim64 Wed 11-Feb-15 09:24:51

Exactly what Iam64 says. Toys and other belongings are just things - if you want, you could replace the important ones further down the line. It's the child's safety from now on that matters.