ESTRANGEMENT- The silent epidemic! Let's get this out of the cupboard.

What a terrible experience to have gone through Jammytoast for such a long time and you clearly tried very hard to maintain a relationship with your mother.

Life is full of contradictions, children who want so much to have a loving and caring relationship with their parents but are unable too, and parents who simply want to be their for their children but are no longer allowed.

I hope you had a lovely day yesterday with your familyfor you.

Jammytoast
You are clearly a very strong person.

Jammytoast . I'm sure your past experiences are making you a lovely mum to your DCs.

Morning Jammy
My heart goes out to you, as you say 'the other side of the coin'. I would like to say we should swap, but I love my Estranged D & wish she had never left my life, but that's my ED I want back, not my nasty s.I.L's wife, different people hope you understand that. to brighten your day

Morning everyone. I am one of those dds who has cut their mother off and I'll tell you why so you can see what has happened. My mother was very narcissistic. Throughout my childhood, it was always a case of 'what I could do for her' & not the other way round. Where was the nurture? When I was a toddler, I remember being tied to the cot with a bandage to stop me getting out. I have absolutely no memories of doing anything homely with her. When I was 8yrs old she just upped & left me & my 4yr old brother with my paedophile father. Despite the agonies I lived through I always loved my mum although I didn't like her much because she wasn't a very nice person. As I grew up I used to watch her & wonder if we were both 'singing from the same song-sheet'. Did we both secretly acknowledge how the other really felt? Did we really agree on stuff or not? The pattern of her neglectful behaviour carried on right into my adulthood. She would always expect me to do stuff for her but never put herself out for me. When I arrived home from honeymoon, there was a letter on the doormat saying my wedding day was the worst day of her life. And nothing bad happened on that day. When I gave birth the first time, she was present which was great but I think it was more so she could 'soak up the glory' & she kept running out of the room to phone people. When I was in early labour the 2nd time, she was with me for the weekend, I begged her to stay, she refused. Before she was even on the motorway I was on my way to hospital to give birth. I phoned begging her to turn around but she refused. She only babysat once in 8yrs. Whenever I visited her, it was always about her, she wasn't interested in the grandchildren. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I cut her off dead in a phonecall. I have never spoken to her since. I learnt from my mother-in-law what a real mother is kind/helpful/selfless/interested. I have explained clearly & honestly to my children what happened. I have no regrets. For years I have thought there's no way I'm nurturing you in your old age, when you only ever neglected me. Incidentally, she's also estranged from my sibling too. She was never cut out to be a mother. So there you have it. The story from the other side.

I agree with your last paragraph Rose, have a lovely bubble bath, go shopping & leave baby with m.I.l , get all your jobs done, win win situation

veexox I agree - she is the first DGC and perhaps when there are more grandchildren the attention on yours will be diluted a bit.

You have to admit, though, that small children are absolutely fascinating; I could watch my DGC for ever!

When your MIL visits you for those couple of days can you leave her to entertain your DD and get on with some jobs that you need to do? I know how difficult it is to do some tasks when you have tiny children.
She should not criticise what you and your DH do, though; just because she may do things differently does not mean she is right - as I keep telling myself, and keeping my lips zipped unless asked! Even when asked for advice I try to be very careful about how or if it is offered.

yogagirl - agree kindness and forgiveness are vital on both sides.

veexox - you sound like you're doing a great trying to encourage the relationship.

Personally if someone in my life wasn't treating me with care and respect (you said your MIL makes cutting remarks) then I would probably not be hugely keen on seeing them too much so you are a much more selfless person than me. Make sure you take care of your own emotional health and needs.

Yes it says her paternal uncle and aunt who are her god parents they are in late 20s early 30s have their own home careers etc. So they younger and stable. My bio mum is crazy I haven't seen her in about 6 years she cut contact she's been sectioned a few times and I was physically abused by her my stepmum is who I call mum she's a lovely person not interfering and has a heart of gold.

Good grief!

that should be children

veexox. Have you got a will which states who you want to look after grandchildren?

Yes. I think the distance is the problem here. We are an hour's drive away from ours so we have Sunday visits fortnightly, alternate houses. Ideal I think, though DD IS ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SUITABLE HOUSES WE COULD MOVE TO NEAR THEM. BLESS! I am sorry that went to caps. Can't be arsed to do it again. Mini I pads can be Soddy.

I guess there is a world of difference between your own mum and your m I l.

Hey it's better than daily visits & taking over my house daily.

Veexox I idealised my little GD &GS, but I equally loved my DD (now estranged). When I went to visit I would first give a kiss & cuddle to my GC, but mostly I would be enjoying a good chat with my D along with playing 'chating' to them.
I lived overseas when my C were little, so always had family to stay for a week at a time & Christmass, it was lovely & fun for all. I loved to see the love between my M&D and my C, it was heartwarming!
I find babies & toddlers so amusing, I could just sit & watch them for ages, so then when it's your own GC, doubly so. When I was cut out I couldn't look at babies & toddlers, it was just too too painful!
Shame you moved so far away Veexox if you lived near to your m.I.l she wouldn't need to stay.

Bonkers How about the cup of human kindness ?
Jingle lo!
Posting & turning page

Your DD will also have ideas of her own when she is older- she will find it cloying too, if she doesn't change.

I think some of the MNers are out of order hence why I came on here for advice, I'd never cut anyone out of our lives unless they were a danger to us or dd. Also I'd like to point out my MIL comes over every 6 weeks for 2-3 days stays in my house and i entertain her and fil while my dh is at work. Make breakfast, have to deal with the cutting remarks. The visits were fortnightly 5days but i was getting peed off with it as I was entertaining them constantly and not my dh. She gets a skype once or twice a week and when she's older school holidays etc she will have sleepovers at gm's hopefully dh's brothers would have had another grandchild and the baby rabies will stop!!

Were they ever?

Oh yes. We know what they're like over there these days. No fun anymore.

I think that whatever the rights or wrongs veexox is a lot kinder than many. If you read MN lots cut off contact for far less than that. veexox is at least willing to continue it, she merely wants it to be less cloying.

I think this thread shows the problems!
It clarifies to me the one inescapable fact. You can't have a good relationship with grandchildren unless you have a good relationship with both the parents.
That is what needs healing- possibly with mediation- rather than legislation.

It looks as though you and DH will have to talk VERY HARD at her about what you have been doing. Save up some things to ask her "valued" opinion on, and add some subsidiary questions if she seems to be straying from the point onto her favourite subject. You may have to be very persistent in your "neediness" to get her to concentrate on you for a while.

She doesnt want to be involved in our family she wants to be involved with dd, she said if we died she would expect to have full custody of dd (we havent spoke of it with her & dd's uncle and aunt would be her guardian anyway)

Whats wrong with wanting your parents to be a teeny bit interested in you? I don't begrudge mil being in love my dd (shes gorgeous) but her being the topic every single conversation we have is very boring and her complete lack of interest in her childrens lives is also sad. She used to call her sons 2-3 times a week no more that is taken up by calling me about dd or trying to skype her.