ESTRANGEMENT- The silent epidemic! Let's get this out of the cupboard.

Oh! Someone tell me what COOTL means. Pleeeease!!!! totally

Oh I get it! It's ok! 'Cut out of their lives'.

Haaa! #hopefortheoldbrainyet

Cut Out Of Their Lives I am guessing?

Crossed posts

Thanks anyway

Her side would be I gave them a place to live rent free I cooked and cleaned for them (if we helped it wasn't good enough) and helped try to raise the baby as they were too young to do it on their own (me and dh in our 20s) so they save their house deposit move 120 miles away and won't let me see gd whenever I want when I helped care for gd (we didn't want you to do this)

The main fact is that everyone, of any age, needs their own life. You can't live it through your children and grandchildren. Dropping in everyday, without warning ( which is what she would do) is too much.

Smileless & Jingle high 5
stansgran I too love the company of my DD now estranged, so your no odd ball!
Veexox I certainly knew my place and visited twice a week of an hour and always when her H was at work so I wouldn't interfer in their little family life. The courts would award a once monthly visit only, maybe less. Your m.I.l sounds like my estD's, round there every day interfering, I & my ND agree we would hate that & was surprised that estD put up with it.
I've heard of GP moving to be near their C&GC only for the C to move on somewhere else! God that must be a killer! And I agree with the poster who said we are only hearing one side of the story, Leticia's m.I.l probably has lots of other interested & friends but wants to give her love to her precious GD, which is lovely and natural.

"Giving love to her precious GD" is fine as long as it doesn't interfere too much in our lives. I had a close relationship with my paternal GM who sadly died when I was 16 years old it broke me apart , I would love the same thing for my DD and it will happen but right now MIL needs to take a step back and realise that she is the GM not a co-parent. I'm glad the courts only decide monthly visits if they made weekly etc it would be very hard to go on holidays etc, do activities at the weekend.

Oh - of course they would allow for holidays and suchlike. Anyway, I don't think anyone would expect weekly visits. Once fortnight is quite enough for me thank you!

veexox (how do you pronounce that btw?)!

I think the fact that you lived with your PIL for seven months when you were pregnant and DD was small probably made her feel such a part of your lives that she is finding it difficult 'letting go' a bit more now.
My DP lived about the same distance away when our DC were small and I wished they were nearer. My MIL lived just along the road but was busy and never came over without being invited - and I used to wish she would! We did see her at least weekly but she never just dropped in.

It is lovely for GP to be part of their DGC's lives, but there again you do need some time for yourselves as a family; probably you have struck the right balance and I hope it carries on being amicable. She, with or without her OH, does need to find some other things to do to occupy her retirement and not make your DD the sole purpose of her being, but as little ones change so quickly I can quite see how she wants to see her as often as possible.

Hi veexox. I saw your other thread and wanted to recommend you read a book called Toxic Inlaws by Susan Foward (it is on Amazon etc...). The relationship forum on Mumsnet is also really helpful for advice. I think you sound really lovely and some of the responses to you are unfair. If you don't want a 'super-involved granny' then that's up to you. We're all completely different and have different ideas of how families should interact . Trust your instinct and if you're not unhappy about something then don't put up with it. It is completely up to you and your husband how often you see your MIL and don't let anyone else tell you how to live your life.

I think it is really sad when grandchildren don't get to know their grandparents although I'm sure in some cases there is a good reason. Didn't the government look at 'grandparents rights' about a year ago and decided against it because of the fact that many children don't want their parents to be involved because they feel that their upbringing was damaged and don't want their own children damaged. I'm also sure in many cases that the children themselves are being completely unreasonable and blame their parents unfairly.

I grew up in the 70s and I had lots of friends whose parents were divorced and they had people in and out of their lives and the children just had to put up with it. I saw first hand how it affected emotionally and how selfish some (not all!!) of the parents were. To be honest in their situation I'm not sure how I would feel.

I think that if you want to have a good relationship with your grandchildren then you need to foster a good relationship with your children and their partners (even if you don't like them or you think they are in the wrong!). I think formalising and getting the courts involved would make things worse unless they are 'unfit parents' If you think you will be a good influence for the gc then you have rise above and be there for them. I think that warring parents and grandparents would be hugely damaging for the children and sometimes you have to be the better person. Good luck to you all.

Thank you! I do generally love MIL she is a nice person and we got on very well before DD was born, she has the divine need to be involved as much as possible while me and DH are navigating our way through parenthood. She saw DD as a 2nd chance to raise a child, not as a way to be a grandmother. DH has said he feels sort of left out by DD's arrival in regards to his mum he had a close relationship with her she used to call him and be interested in what he has been up too now whenever she rings him/visits it's all about DD what has she doing, talking about dd 24/7 dh's brothers have said the same thing also. DH has said he kind of feels used like she only calls us just to find out when she can next visit dd or talk about dd. He misses the bond he had with his mum that seems to have been shifted solely onto dd.

I think you have hit the nail on the head bonkers that we all have a different vision of family interaction. I just wish we could have the other side to the story. I'm afraid I am an avid reader of the MIL horror stories on Mumsnet because I suspect I am a dreadful MIL and I am ashamed to say that my love for my daughter's daughter blanked out reason and common sense for a few years. I was also caring for DGD for eight weeks in her first and second year without her parents and every time she was poorly and not able to go to nursery. But Veexox the Skype thing has fallen by the wayside and although we try to send cards and presents and keep in touch I doubt if we will see much of our GCs and perhaps your MIL will lose interest in the future.

Maybe it is part jealously on dh's part, he's always been close to his mum went to her for advice, when he's had a bad day leaned on his mum. Then when dd was born that sort of vanished she's not interested in him anymore or his brothers I know he's an adult but he says he misses that parent bond with his mum. I visit my parents on my own sometimes without dd and they are happy to see me and spend time with me they ask how I've been hug me, say they are proud of me. I guess even as adults we need our parents sometimes to lean on in times of stress even when it seems we don't, then when they only seemed to be interested in GCS it hurts. A few of my friends have said this my friend fell out with her mum because she wasn't interested in her anymore only her DD.

I dont get it.
I dont get why some grandparents do this.
Surely they wouldnt have wanted their own mothers or mils to do it to them?

I don't think your MILsounds 'toxic' veexox, just possessive and if anything loves you all too much if that is possible. DGD sounds like the be all and end all of her existence and she should be encouraged to find other interests as well.
My DD knows about 'toxic' in laws and believe me yours is nothing like them. I bought her that book!

Good luck

That is just childish of your DH veexox - feeling he's no longer the centre of his mother's universe.

You are saying he is jealous of his own little girl!

Uh oh. I am going to have to disagree with you again jingl
It sounds like he isnt in his mums universe at all. Nor his brither.

Why do you think that all grandparents are all totally innocent? And all children guilty?

Hang on. You are saying that mum-in-law wants to be involved in your family. And DH is having a temper toddy upset because mum-in-law isn't involved enough with himany longer. And to make things better, you moved 120 miles away. Was that really the best idea?

oh FFS, shut... soontobe For five minutes.

That will be deleted. (that's ok by me GNHQ)

No again.

I shant be reporting it.