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To expect my DD to ring me regularly?

(62 Posts)
Jennypops Mon 02-Mar-15 20:56:50

I am feeling very upset as my DD does not phone me very often. I think the last time was over a month ago ,since when I have had cataract surgery she doesn't know about and am still recovering from breaking my leg at Christmas. I don't always want to be the one to phone first. How can I deal with this or should I just accept it, she lives about a two hour journey away and we don't se her or two DGC often.

J52 Tue 03-Mar-15 07:59:57

I can understand how you feel. My DSs live quite near, but sometimes I do feel contact is only when it is convenient to them. We hardly ever talk on the phone, but do exchange texts.

I would agree that not to have been contacted for a month is hurtful, but I would send a text and mention your cataract surgery in a lighthearted way. She may be upset that you have not said anything before.

Like Rubylady said, we do bring our children up to be independent and quite rightly so. Time goes quickly for them if they have busy jobs and families.

It can be hurtful though, try not to dwell on it and enjoy the contact when it is made. x

Leticia Tue 03-Mar-15 08:02:58

I don't like the regular calls. I phone my mother often but not at a regular time or day. I got into phoning my PIL every Sunday because they had dementia and I thought they needed the regularity to know who I was. It was very difficult- my lifestyle is not such that I am in at a certain time every Sunday.
I wouldn't want my children to have a regular call through duty- I much prefer them getting in touch, when they want to and not because they feel they ought to.

thatbags Tue 03-Mar-15 08:23:14

No news is good news. One'd hear soon enough if one's offspring were not alive and well.

Leticia Tue 03-Mar-15 08:32:17

It depends on how your relationship works- if you have never had long, regular phone conversations, because you both love them, then it isn't suddenly going to happen. The problems come from differing expectations.

absent Tue 03-Mar-15 08:44:49

When absentdaughter and I were living either side of the world we'd talk on the phone and/or e-mail depending on what was going on in our lives. It certainly wasn't regular and I have no idea if a month or more went by without our being in touch. It didn't mean that we didn't love each other or care about each other; it just meant that we were busy with stuff that wasn't especially interesting to anyone else. When we did need to talk to each other because stuff was interesting or important, then we did.

magpie123 Tue 03-Mar-15 08:55:01

Jennypops phone or text her, don't make an issue about it, what's the worse that can happen, she''s too busy to talk, so you could say I'll phone you later or you phone me, tell her about your surgery. How do you know she would not be interested if you don't tell her. How old are your grandchildren? She is your daughter, tell her you love her and miss her, she might think you are not interested in her life and family. Why don't you go and visit her, say you would love to see her and your grandchildren, make the first move.

PRINTMISS Tue 03-Mar-15 08:59:35

My daughter and I rarely talk on the phone, mainly because it is quite difficult for me. She will occasionally send me a text, and if there is anything specific I feel she should know I text her. It does not mean we do not care about each other, rather that we recognise that we have our own lives, and whilst it is good to know what is happening, we do not have to hear all the details. I know other families are entirely different, and enjoy a natter over the phone, so it is really each to his own, and the telephone is a two way thing, if you need to talk to your children, ring them.

rosequartz Tue 03-Mar-15 10:10:47

MIL always said it was our 'duty' to call her rather than her phone us. I used to phone her weekly for a long chat but if it had been left to DH it could have been weeks before he felt he ought to. I used to wish she would sometimes just pick up the phone for a chat with us.

KatyK Tue 03-Mar-15 10:20:15

I think some of us have to accept that we are very low on our children's list of priorities. We certainly are.

Mishap Tue 03-Mar-15 10:36:50

Jennypops - I really do feel that not telling her about the cataract operation is a very strange thing to do. Forgive me, but a bit of me does feel you are testing her to see what her level of commitment is. It is almost as though you have set up a situation where you can justify feeling aggrieved because she has not wished you well with your surgery or asked how it went. She has done neither of those things, because you did not tell her about it.

You say you do not want to always be the one who rings first - why not? You probably have more time than she does. I do think that you need to give her an occasional ring in an undemanding way and just have a short chat. You need to take the heat out of this situation. You are building it up in your mind in a way that does not help.

Our children are busy people these days and phoning mum is likely to slip their mind. It does not mean they do not care.

Sometimes one of mine will not ring for a while and then get on the phone and say oh heavens mum - I have been so busy - are you still alive?! We make a joke of it and proceed to catch up.

soontobe Tue 03-Mar-15 11:10:23

But on the other hand, the daughter has not asked recently about the op's broken leg. And I agree with her that I dont think it should always be the same person who rings first.

But on the other hand to that..
you say "I feel that she would ignore my texts"
and "I really have a feeling that she does not want a close relationship".
Both are statements in which you are not actually sure.

I think that it is time that you sopke to her nicely and calmly and may be at length about it all.

grannyactivist Tue 03-Mar-15 11:10:28

Our eldest daughter is in NZ so we communicate, fairly irregularly, via Skype or email on an ad hoc basis. More often recently as she's pregnant and likes to tell us about her progress.
We exchange texts/emails/photo's or calls several times a week with our youngest daughter.
Our eldest son usually only phones or texts if there's a reason for it. A few weeks can easily go by without contact.
Our youngest son is at university and we speak to him several times a week as well as exchange letters, texts and emails.
My point is that they all communicate with us differently. On Sunday I called my eldest son because I knew he'd had an appraisal at work and I wanted to hear how it went - it wouldn't have occurred to him to call me about it unless I'd prompted him to, but he was delighted to have a chat with me.

janerowena Tue 03-Mar-15 12:38:41

It's the other way around in our family, our mother never contacts us! I think some people just like to know that their family exist, without the need to have more contact. It doesn't mean they don't think of you. I know DS loves me, but I think he will only ever contact us if there is a need. DBH hates phoning his parents, he really does. He says they just witter on about people he doesn't know. He is far happier seeing their photos on facebook. And making rude remarks to his Mum on there. grin Even then, he doesn't comment as much as she would like.

I found that DD phoned me every week when her babies were small, but now we only speak once a month. all of our communication is done on facebook, we just like to see that each other is alive and well. We have our own lives to live, I am very happy when they come up to stay with us, but equally happy to see them go!

rubylady Tue 03-Mar-15 12:48:38

On the other hand, my DS is at college, out in the morning at 8.30 am, home at 4.00 pm and we still sometimes text each other during the day, like today. And he is coming to the hospital with me tomorrow for an echocardiogram. He is nearly 18 years old. My DD is 27 and told me my upcoming open heart surgery was "not that big a deal". I wonder why I don't speak to her?

Different children act and behave in different ways. Now I treat as I get treated. I never did, I still gave the benefit of the doubt, until last year when I got told as the only parent/grandparent at my DD upcoming wedding that I was to have no special part in it and I was to be just like any other guest. After bringing her up on my own for most of her life? Now she has hurt me so much that I will not let her get to me any more.

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Mar-15 14:51:48

flowers]for you rubylady all the best for your echocardiogram tomorrow and your up coming open heart surgery which most certainly is a big deal. Your son sounds lovelysmile.

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Mar-15 14:52:43

ooops sorry rubylady flowers

Mishap Tue 03-Mar-15 14:55:23

Good luck rubylady flowers

absentgrandma Tue 03-Mar-15 15:33:41

What refreshingly positive postings for a Gransnet thread on the thorny subject of family relationships.

All our chidren are different... a fact that never ceases to amaze me. We have sons and daughters who can be loving, seemingly heartless, needy, distant, prickly... you name it- most of us have kids that fit some of those adjectives.And this applies to us as parents too..... we're not the perfect ones by any means although I'm afraid some on this forum think they are!

In my case D1 considers herself the career woman (note I saidconsiders ) too career driven to have children, and only just married at 40 to a perfect 'eejut' found on an online dating agency.... I'd have asked for my money back! As 'The Career Woman' she rarely rang, emailed mostly when I emailed first and nothing has changed except her communication is even more intermittant.
D2... stay-at-home- Mum with children is and always has been, totally different. We don't talk on the phone much for reasons of cost(as I live abroad) but we email quick one-liners throughout the evenng as like her generation her i-phone is rarely far from her side and from time to time we Skype. GCs are much to 'busy' to shout any more than a 'hello Grandma' as they hurtle past en route to something much more interesting than Gran talking to mum.

When we physically get together it's a much different scene.

I have a friend here who rings her mother religiously every night around six pm... any later and Mum rings her, so as my friend says 'It's easier that way'. But she often says how difficult it is as sometimes she can't think of anything interesting to say. I can see her argument. Mum has been a widow for many years, she has another daughter living in the same town as her and yet she has to talk to my friend however banale the conversation, every day.

The only way (I personally believe) to live with this is to accept that some of our children don't need constant communication with family and some can't imagine life without it and we have to muddle along with it as best we can without letting it grow into some monstrous being which takes over our last years.

MargaretX Tue 03-Mar-15 16:07:02

Our children are at an age when days are full and busy and weeks just fly by. We don't live in a TV series where everyone is on the phone 3-4 times a day. I catch DD2 at work when I send emails which usually get an answer and DD1 lives near but doesn't phone often either.
They're busy people and I have got used to being ignored most of the time. They know where I am and can turn to me if something goes wrong.
When all is quiet it's sign that there is nothing to worry about.

Alygran Tue 03-Mar-15 16:44:40

My 2 DDs live close to one another but 100 miles from me. DD1 is married. We talk once a week or so on the phone but often have iMessage conversations including her single living alone sister who calls more often. Since their university days I have written to them once a week because I feel that it is important that they know I am thinking of them. Sometimes I send a card just to say hello. This has been important to them especially when times have been difficult and I can't be there in person. I now write to DGS too as he is reading and loves to get post. This seems to fit with their increasingly busy lives and helps me to feel connected.

loopylou Tue 03-Mar-15 17:06:33

My two children keep in touch sometimes very regularly and at other times less so.
DD works in third world countries for about half the year so, because Internet connections are spasmodic, we try Skypeing but accept that getting cut off will happen. I do worry about her but I accept that she's a sensible and careful lass.
When she's in the UK we perhaps text or phone about once a fortnight or so; she works ridiculous hours so we'll text more than phone.

DS never has been a great communicator so we FaceTime perhaps a couple of times a month so I can get my Nonna-fix smile. He'll answer texts sometimes, usually if DH contacts him! I don't get upset, hurt or think it's my/their turn or not to make the first move- and never have -so that's foreign to me.

If any of them, including DDIL are stressed or need a listening ear/sympathetic sounding board then they know I'm here.

Certainly when things go quiet I don't necessarily worry.

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 20:05:06

These days people seem to text of messenger on Facebook that applies to my beloved son. He will call but we only speak ever couple of weeks or so. It is the way of the world.

My dear late mum Called Me daily and how I missed that when she died, but at the time I found it bit irritating. She was a widow, bless her.

My estranged daughter texted daily and we spoke at length 3 or 4 times week. How I miss that.

I do personally feel we don't talk enough as general rule too much indirect communication which can be misconstrued.

Coolgran65 Tue 03-Mar-15 21:28:15

My DS has been at uni/worked abroad for the last 23 years.

In the early uni days I despaired of him being a communicator !! By the time he got his Ph.d and was working in Asia he was emailing on a daily basis and phoned once!! It took a half day to be organised at his end.

A few years later and on a different continent he was working and living with his partner (now wife) and would email about every other day. We'd phone at random, could be a month, could be a week.

Now he is married and has a toddler, lives 6000 miles away and an 8 hour time difference. We email about twice a week and Skype once a week. Skype might be for 15 minutes or 45 minutes. We get to chat and see toddler DGS play about the lounge and climb over his daddy on the floor. Plenty of chat but not a lot of great meaningful conversation with DS but if he needs an ear he knows to phone and a conversation can be a little more private. If I don't hear from him for a few days I just send an email, even if I have no news, saying....... ""Just saying Hi, keep well, love mum x"""

Absentgranma if you wished to have a real voice telephone conversation with your daughter, it is possible to ring abroad from UK for around 1p per minute using a BT landline.

Information for anyone --- These companies buy land line time from BT and you enter a specific number ( for USA or for Australia or for wherever....) before then entering the number you are calling.
I use 'Ratebusters'.... to USA I think it is around 12p connection fee and then 1p per minute thereafter.... so about 82p for an hour's converation, that's to either a landline or a mobile phone. Cost changes slightly according to the destination.

absent Tue 03-Mar-15 21:36:23

I don't think absentgrandma lives in the UK, so a BT landline is not an option for her.

absentgrandma Tue 03-Mar-15 22:13:05

Thanks so much for the information Coolgran. DD could phone me but not sure if that's wise as we do tend to 'go on' a bit. Skype is good in that respect... sometimes I see to my horror we have chatted for an hour! At other times one or other of us may be having connection problems so we seem to spend most of the time re-connecting (and swearing...her of course, not meshock).

Like others have said, we can go for several weeks without skyping, but we email, and like tonight, we have joked with each other on Facebook as she posted an old photo from the 80s..... horrors!