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self-pity. I can't seem to stop!

(41 Posts)
ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 15:40:17

Well--I need some help to get going. I know I am lucky but I feel that I am drowning in self pity, which is really ugly but I don't know how to stop. Help!

I am a new gran. GS is 6mths old and our first one. He is my eldest sons 1st child. I get on quite well with my dil. I cannot stand her mum. She makes snide comments about my son (lack of ambition, not earning enough,etc) but turns it all into a joke. She is careful not to say anything like this in front of her daughter. She also says only idiots own thier own house (we do) and that the only sensible thing to do is rent (like her). I am always careful to be nice to her because she is my dil mum and has far more contact with my gs than we do. She also has a long history of depression and self harm so I don't want to make her any worse. She babysits and I do not. She goes out with them a lot and my ds takes her shopping. I see them once or twice a month even tho we all live within 8 miles. I know I am jealous and I hate that.

Also--my dh (61yrs old) has just found out he is being made redundant in June. we have no savings (another story) or pension and I have no idea what we are going to do about money.

Also--my job is ending. It was a temp contract and although I have applied for jobs I have found nothing. I have never had a problem before.

Also--am going though the end of the menopause and I feel like an old prune. Have put on loads of weight and cannot find the desire to do anything about that.

Have read this back and I realise I sound so childish. I think thats why I have not spoken about any of this to my family/friends and instead poured it out to a forum! I am in tears--frightened about the change in me and the change thats coming up in our lives. I don't know how to cope with it. The stupid thing is that its the situation with my ds that makes me most unhappy.

On the plus side---my daughter, who has been unwell for several years has been on a medical trial. She is now well for the first time in her adult life and has great hope for her future. She got married a couple of months ago.! We never thought that would ever happen.

My youngest has found a new job, new flat and new boyfriend and he is very happy. We see them quite a lot and really enjoy thier company.

I am very lucky and my dh loves me. Sometimes I have no idea why.

I guess what I really want to know is how to adjust? How to come to terms with the fact that we are now at a point in our lives where things will happen to us that we might not have any control over. Health, work, housing--it all seems to be on a down path. --As I said--a lot of self pity.
Anybody recognise any of this? Any thoughts?

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 15:46:10

Has the other gran not got a DH to take her shopping? Is she on her own?

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 15:47:38

Why do you need to see anything of her? I would avoid her.

Jane10 Mon 20-Apr-15 15:48:45

So sorry you're feeling like this. What an onslaught of troubles for you but it's really good that you're also aware of the wonderful positives too. That's wonderful about your daughter. There's an old phrase that always helped me 'this too shall pass'. I truly hope it does for you. You're young, I bet in a few years you'll look back at this time and wonder why you were so worried. You'll find a job and so will your DH even if you have to make one. My DH has never looked back since setting up his own business. He was made redundant so many times in the bad old years. Good luck!

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 15:50:03

No dh. She does have a younger son who will be leaving school next year. She is quite a bit younger than us--she is 43 and works part time.

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 15:53:22

jinglebelles--- I see her because every time we go to see ds and dil she is there. We never go if we are not invited and sometimes she is invited as well and sometimes she just turns up.
A couple of times we have invited ds and dil here and they have cancelled because she is "unwell". I am not very sure what that means.

KatyK Mon 20-Apr-15 15:54:45

ohdear - Sorry you are going through this. I think you will get some sound advice from the lovely people on here. I also think perhaps a lot of people feel as you do and are having all sorts of problems. My daughter's mither-in-law and her family stopped speaking to us after my DD's wedding day. She said they were left out of the arrangements (they weren't). She said some terrible things to my daughter about her and us. Her family ruined my only child's wedding day but now my DD is quite close to her and involves her in her life more than she does me. I have been quite shocked by this. I too get very jealous of my DD's relationships with her mother-in-law and also her friend's mum who she is also very friendly with. I am sometimes self-pitying as I too have had a lot of problems. Today for instance I have visited my hair replacement centre as I do every 6 weeks (I lost all my hair a few years ago). They take the system off and to condition it etc and I was sitting there this morning with a bald head, feeling SO sorry for myself until they came and put me back together again. I don't think you sound childish. Sometimes we can take so much before we crack. You have listed some very positive things in your post as well as the things that are making you unhappy. I can't really offer any solutions but I hope things improve for you. I know there will be lots of people on here who will have advice flowers

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 15:57:06

Jane--thanks for that! I have not been called young for a long time and it has made me smile! Glad your oh has made his own job. We have to do a lot of looking and changing in the next few months and I am not looking forward to it.
Having to sell this house and move makes me feel as tho we have failed.

Tegan Mon 20-Apr-15 16:00:02

Might be an idea to see your Gp about your menopause problems and also tell him/her of the worries you have with your DH losing his job. As for your DIL's family seeing more of your grandchild than you do, join the club. I was in tears over that this weekend as well. Make sure that your DH is getting everything he is entitled to with his redundancy package; take it to a tribunal if you have to and also find out what things you may qualify for in the future if he doesn't find another job [Citizens Advice might help with that]. You're not self pitying; you've got problems that you need help with; some greater than others, but it's often the smaller problems that tip you over the edge.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:00:49

I don't blame you for feeling jealous. I would be too. I used to hate the thought of the other gran seeing more of my two than I did. It's only natural. We all want to be number one. grin

I would push to see more of your GS. Don't let her elbow you out. And I wouldn't worry about her depression or self harm. She's not your responsibility.

Can't offer any advice about the work and finances thing. Sorry.

The menopause can make you feel a bit odd. It did me.

I am glad things are going well for your other two. Perhaps your DD will have a baby soon. That will make you feel better.

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 16:02:15

katy--I understand, I think, what you are saying. I feel that we have behaved "well"--I never say anything negative about her or her family, we support ds and dil with money and practical help---but she behaves "badly" and gets taken out on treats!!
Like I said--I am feeling REALLY childish!

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:03:29

I would keep on inviting them to yours. And I would complain if they don't come. Pussy-footing around never did any good to anyone.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:04:15

No you're not going childish. Perhaps a bit flaky.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:04:49

Being. Not going. (iPad did that)

Tegan Mon 20-Apr-15 16:05:03

jingle; I don't want to be no1; just want to be equal, and that's why it hurts so much sad.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:06:51

katyK flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:07:27

I know Tegan. sad

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 20-Apr-15 16:08:54

I think you all need to stand up for yourselves a bit more! sad

GillT57 Mon 20-Apr-15 16:15:44

You are not being childish ohdear you are quite rightly frightened and worried about the future and just what lies ahead, and seeing someone else take advantage of your good nature is upsetting. You mention that you help DS and family with money? Well that has to stop immediately, and they need to be told why. You have to look after your health and that of DH. Look up online just what DH will be entitled to as a legal minimum when he is made redundant, if you get more then hooray. Get an appointment made at job centre as you both need to keep your NIC credits going as you are so close to retirement. It is worth going online and getting a pension forecast; if you find that you both already have the full contributions then there is no panic about pension amounts in a few years time. Go onto Rightmove and see what your house is worth, what else you can downsize to; it is astonishing the difference in price in a 3 bed semi and a 3 bed detached for example. Hopefully taking charge of your future will help you to feel better, and please dont feel guilty about any of this, none of it is your fault. Sometimes these terrible stress situations lead to a better situation, be brave, be strong, and post on here, we will all do what we can.

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 16:16:34

Thanks all, for the kind words.

I hope my dd does have a child soon. They both want one so very much. Her health means that it is very unlikely that she can have a child, but she is on fertility treatment and try to be hopeful.

jinglebells--you are quite right and I think that this is the first time I had thought about it. We all walk on eggshells around her so as not to make her life difficult. But it is not my responsibility to make sure she is ok. I do not want dil to have to care for her any more than she already does--but her behaviour is very controlling. My dil missed lots of school to look after her mum and brother. She used to take her to her hospital appts and make sure her baby brother did his homework, got to school, had meals, clean clothes etc. My dil has said that she wants her new family to be one that she has made and she wants it to be like the family ds has. That makes me feel quite proud--but then I see her running around after her mum, having days together and I never get to hold my gs!!

I just want to stop feeling like this.

Have been to gp about menopause. Cannot take much because of family health history and I think that I have just about finished now. The nights are still quite bad but feel better that I did. tbh I am very fed up.

Tegan Mon 20-Apr-15 16:18:02

I like the term 'flaky'. Years ago when my ex and I still liked each other I would sometimes say to him 'I'm all in bits today' and even he would tread carefully.

amarmai Mon 20-Apr-15 16:18:52

Sounds like the other gran is jealous and insecure if she needs to turn up every time you are there. Next time you can make her feel less insecure when she hears that you are selling your house! Doors are opening as well as closing . I don't live in UK,but is there an organisation that can advise you how to make best use of the money you'll get when selling the house? You can't control the DIL situation but maybe your son will be willing to listen to your desire to see your gs more and bring him to visit you . Take as much comfort as possible from your other children. I believe most women put on weight during menopause , but you can lose it afterwards. I joined a gym for a year and also had a personal trainer whose exercises i do whenever i get bored!

GillT57 Mon 20-Apr-15 16:22:04

It sounds like your DiL is wise to her Mother and her antics, she sounds as if she was a very young Mother ( only 43) and thus hasn't really gown up herself, she is probably put out that she is no longer the centre of the universe. Your DiL obviously sees your family life as one she wants for her family and you should be very proud of this, proud that you have raised a caring family, she is likely fed up with her infantile Mother and her self centred ways. Stay calm, stay proud, you have done well.

ohdear Mon 20-Apr-15 16:30:40

jinglebells-- its odd, you know, because I work with offenders in the criminal justice system and am not a timid mouse. But where this woman is concerned I seem to lose all self-confidence. I think because she controls dil and I could lose all of them.

Yes--the money support has already stopped. We will do all the stuff about pensions, redundancy pay and downsizing. We have been poor before and survived and we will be able to do it again. I think what is differnt this time is the lack of control over so many different things at the same time.

Tegan--I, like you, have no wish to be "number one". I just want to see him a bit more. I am very good friends with my dds mil and we see each other quite a lot. We did not know each other before our children got together. She is a very generous woman and I am looking forward to being a co-granny with her!! I suppose I had hoped that my dils mum would be much the same.

But--you are all quite right about the "pussyfooting"!! Her mental health is not my concern ,although the health of my dil does concern me and is the reason I have not said anything so far.

Teetime Mon 20-Apr-15 16:32:23

I'm sorry ohdear that you seem to have a lot on your plate at the moment and No you are not childish just overloaded. Many of us on here have had our moments and our trails so we know where you are coming from. There are some good suggestions here. I wondered whether it would help to put all these things down on paper - just some bullet points and try to divide them into things you can do something about e.g. Avoid the Dragon Lady and the things you need some support with. When problems feel overwhelming it helps me to get things in proportion if I make some list and some notes- I find I start to problem solve better in this way. If worries are keeping you awake it certainly does seem to help to write them down. I hope things start looking up for you soon and you feel more able to cope - keeping talking to us though. smile