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To wish DS could visit on his own sometimes?

(72 Posts)
mrsmopp Thu 28-May-15 06:13:16

Our DS lives over 4 hours drive away and visits about 3 times a year, bringing his gf each time. Problem is she has to be the centre of attention all the time and she simply never stops talking. She dominates the conversation from the word go and he sits back and let's her get on with it. When they have gone I feel I havent had a proper chat - you know, family matters etc. How can I ask him to come by himself once a while? We see so little of him. She visits her parents on her own a lot so it's not asking too much is it?

Leticia Thu 28-May-15 06:54:12

Have you tried visiting him on your own? Or asked him to go out somewhere specifically with you? Or just suggest that he comes in his own if she is seeing her parents.

Nelliemoser Thu 28-May-15 07:26:03

MrsMopp That sounds very like the scenario I have with my Son. I have no real sensible solutions though.

RedheadedMommy Thu 28-May-15 07:27:16

Maybe he wants her to come? Is it 4 hours there? And 4 hours back? Maybe they share the driving?
Have you asked him if he could come on his own?

absent Thu 28-May-15 07:50:19

How about arranging to meet halfway for lunch, afternoon tea or a drink? I take absentdaughter out to lunch once in a while so that we can both enjoy some time and chatter together. We're planning a short breakfast together next week after she has delivered the children to school and preschool. It doesn't bother my son-in-law or Mr absent – and we really love it. Mum and daughter time and you can have Mum and son time in the same way too.

Anya Thu 28-May-15 08:02:57

You can hardly go out with your son and leave GF to fend for herself when they visit. If you are up for a 2 hour drive there and a 2 hour drive back in the same day then you might take up Absent's suggestion.

Otherwise it's up to you to visit him. Perhaps book a weekend away?

Otherwise I don't see what else you can do really.

Riverwalk Thu 28-May-15 08:13:03

Can't you just ask him outright to come alone once in a while? Shouldn't be a problem if GF visits her parents on her own.

Iam64 Thu 28-May-15 08:33:10

"she dominates the conversation… he sits back and let's her get on with it"

This scenario is so familiar - it reminds me of the thread about a son who forgot his mother's birthday, only to leave his girl friend assuming responsibility.

So many women assuming responsibility for all the emotional and caring stuff, so many men it seems, happy to sit back and let them get on with it.

glammanana Thu 28-May-15 08:35:56

Your son has probably not realized that taking his girlfriend every visit is a problem for you and he may be pleased that his girlfriend is so relaxed in your company so the one to one visit has not even entered his head,you are in a totally opposite situation than we have as DS1s fiancee doesn't even open her mouth when she is here even when asked if she would like food or drink she just nods hmm whilst DS1 will make himself at home in the kitchen if he feels peckish,be happy your DSs girlfriend is so friendly as some of them are pretty hard work.

trisher Thu 28-May-15 08:44:21

How much of a GF is she I wonder? Is she a live-in partner? If so is he making a point by bringing her i.e. she is a part of the family now. If so maybe you need to find something (a family matter) you could bring up in the conversation that would indicate she is accepted. Maybe then he will stop bringing her every time. Mind you if he is anything like my DSs he is bringing her because he's avoiding any discussions. Could you ring or skype him? I find they are better at talking then.

rosesarered Thu 28-May-15 08:47:47

Glamma, that made me laugh, imagining a nodding GF , though I can see it would be a bit of a pain for you.
I don't think there is a real solution mrsmopp to your problem, without causing any fuss or argument within the family.I remember when newly married having to go and see the in-laws, and me having to do all the conversation as DH just sat there and either stared into space or read the newspaper. he had a good relationship with his parents and loved them, so there wasn't a problem, but he just didn't have much to say to them.When they asked him about his job, he would just say everything was fine and not go into details, so I always felt they didn't get their 'money's worth' so I tried to keep the conversation going at all costs.Perhaps it's the same for your situation?Boys and men grow up and perhaps don't have a lot to say to their Mothers, although they like to see them and know that all is ok with them.This is probably why Mothers feel a bit sad when their sons marry, as opposed to their daughters.

thatbags Thu 28-May-15 08:49:44

Perhaps he doesn't want to visit on his own. Is he, for instance, a quiet type who likes it when others hold the floor?

Are there other ways he keeps up with family news, e.g. Facebook or emails or phone calls?

Teetime Thu 28-May-15 08:53:28

mrsmopp I can see the problem clearly - what a pain. How about getting her a nice treat to a local spa/ paragliding/white water rafting/tank driving centre when they next visit as your birthday/xmas gift to her- she could go off there and leave you a few hours alone with your son.

I have a similar issue with DD2, SIL wants bloody sport on the TV all the time they are here. I had arranged to go to the Tatton Park Flower Show on her birthday with her and now she tells me has invited her MIL!!!

annsixty Thu 28-May-15 08:58:03

If she is a livein GF ie a partner I would expect that she would come as they are now a couple.If you want a conversation alone with him ,does he like a walk that the two of you could do together? Or have a chat while she is using the bathroom for a shower and "tittivating". You are going to have to accept they are together and that is the way you will have their visits.

mrsmopp Thu 28-May-15 09:16:17

The journey is 4 hours each way so they stay 2 or 3 nights when they come here, whereas she can pop to her parents more as they live locally. I think she just enjoys her free weekends away and would be offended if I excluded her. When Dh and I were younger we often visited our own parents either solo or with the kids as family chit chat is important. We would love to see him by himself so we can look at old photos, talk about the past a bit, I want to tell him about the family history I've been researching - you all know the kind of thing. It is tricky because Gf is a bit self centred and spoilt, wants centre stage all the time and never bloody shuts up! Grrr!!

Riverwalk Thu 28-May-15 09:16:30

Glamm your post made me laugh too! Yes, some people can be hard work - luck of the draw.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 28-May-15 09:19:52

Yes, I agree. Poor Glamma! grin

thatbags Thu 28-May-15 09:22:16

I'm going to stick my neck out and suggest that it's not unreasonable to wish one's offspring visited alone but it is unreasonable to only look at it from one's own point of view. OP has specified what she wants, but there is no mention of what her son might want or not want. Does he want, for instance, to look at old family photos with his mum? He might not.

I don't know for how long the OP has known GF, but describing her as self-centred and spoilt does not have good vibes from where I'm sitting. It really does sound as though OP just wants her son to herself for purely selfish reasons.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 28-May-15 09:29:22

It's a long journey and one he doesn't make that often. I suppose it seems only ntural to them that they should both come. It might be different if he lived a short drive away.

I think you need to be firm in addressing him directly about any family matters you want to discuss, and just talk around her chipping in. Don't make it look as though you are excluding her, but make sure you get the things you need to talk about, talked about. Even if it means talking over her. I don't think you can expect any alone time with him anymore, simply because of the distance he has to travel.

AshTree Thu 28-May-15 09:32:39

You say the GF visits her parents on her own, but do you know why this is? It may not be because she wants time on her own with them, or that they want her to visit on her own - it could just be that your DS doesn't want to go with her.
So it might be difficult for you to use this as a kind of justification for asking him to visit you on his own. He could be feeling really pleased that his GF likes to visit his family and gets on so well with them, only to find out that you'd rather he didn't bring her. I realise you wouldn't be that blunt, but there is a risk that he would see it that way. You have to tread so carefully, especially if you think this GF will be (is already?) his life partner.
Some of the suggestions above, meeting him halfway for lunch, arranging something for his GF as a birthday treat so you can get him alone, sound promising. Good luck!

Anya Thu 28-May-15 09:33:39

I'm getting the impression you'd just settle for her to shut up a bit and let others talk? Is there just the three of you there? Can your DH or someone else engage her in conversation (shouldn't be hard) while you chat to son perhaps in the kitchen while making tea or similar.

I think your missing a long sit down heart to heart with son but might have to settle for a quick chat instead. I'm with Bags that he may not want to look at old family photos hmm

Having said that I had a similar situation myself until we moved closer to my son and (now) DiL and I understand you'd justvlike to have him to yourself a bit. Sadly that's not how it normally works once they grow up and fly the nest.

J52 Thu 28-May-15 10:00:12

I find that when DSs visit they go into 'back home' mode and say very little. My DH used to do the same when we visited PILs.

Usually this means, visiting the kitchen and looking in the fridge? Making tea/ coffee for everyone. Vanishing back to old room/shed/garage to look!

DH used ad to the list by going down to the cellar to see what new tools his father had bought and never used!

When asked if they were looking for something the answer was 'no just looking'. I think it's something to do with reassurance, either about the past or to make sure the ' oldies' we're not doing anything untoward!

I spent many hours making small talk to my cantankerous MIL. smile x

KatyK Thu 28-May-15 10:01:57

I sympathise. I used to love the long chats/shopping trips/lunches out with my daughter but they no longer happen really. We love our son-in-law and of course our beautiful granddaughter but occasionally I say to my DD, 'shall we go out sometime and have a nice chat like we used to?' She always says 'yes we must' but it never happens. I have to let it go as I can see it gets on her nerves if I keep mentioning it.

mrsmopp Thu 28-May-15 10:17:50

I don't think I am being selfish wanting to have a couple of days out of 365. Friends of mine have often said they enjoy it when their DS or DD visit alone, it is much more relaxed. I am not saying Gf should never come as she has been many times.
DS and Gf do not live together as one poster asked. We can't stay with him, he doesn't have space though GF has a house we are never asked there. The phone is hard for me as I have hearing loss.
Relationships are such a tangled Web aren't they!

Lona Thu 28-May-15 10:28:41

If they were married, you wouldn't expect him to come alone and stay over without his wife, so why would he come without his gf?
I think you have to accept that he has his own life now and perhaps he doesn't want to look at old photos and reminisce.
If you get the albums out, give them to his gf first, she'll love to see his baby pictures grin