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To wish my DD's 'friend' had just kept her mouth shut?

(44 Posts)
AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 21:53:57

My DD has a date booked for her induction the week after next. Her midwife thought the baby was in the breach position so sent her for a positioning scan yesterday just to be sure. DD knew that if it was confirmed as breach she would be offered a c-section - she didn't want anyone to try turning the baby because she is very small and it would almost certainly have been very painful.
It turned out that it's not breach after all, although the head doesn't appear to be engaged yet. At first DD seemed relieved.
However, today she visited a friend who is expecting her second child, and naturally DD was telling her about all of this. The 'friend' then went on to tell DD, in glorious technicolour, all about the problems she had with being induced with her first baby - how it didn't seem to work, so they removed the pessary, then later re-administered it (same one), then she had some sort of allergic reaction and swelled up badly, and ended up having an emergency c-section.
So now my DD is scared witless and saying she thinks she'd rather have a c-section and do I think she would be able to request one this late.
Why oh why couldn't this silly woman have just kept her horror stories to herself?

Lilygran Thu 04-Jun-15 22:01:52

Unfortunately the world is full of people who love to spread alarm, Ashtree. You have my sympathy. Do you think the best thing would be for your DD to contact her midwife and tell her what she's worried about?

FarNorth Thu 04-Jun-15 22:07:41

To be fair to the friend, she may have felt she needed to warn your DD. After all, if she said nothing and then your DD had the same problems, how would that be?

AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 22:09:44

Yes, Lilygran I think she should, mainly to get some reassurance. Unfortunately her midwife is very difficult to get hold of, so this may not be a solution. I did suggest she speak to her GP if she can't get hold of her midwife.
When we were having our babies, all those years ago, we didn't have Google, we didn't have One Born Every Minute, and we didn't talk so openly and in such gory detail, not even to our friends. There seemed to be a sort of compassionate 'conspiracy of silence' where the pain of childbirth was concerned - a sisterhood who cared enough about each other not to frighten the uninitiated half to death. How things have changed hmm

AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 22:13:43

FarNorth, fair point, but then what if she had another friend whose c-section had gone horribly wrong? Forewarned may be forearmed, but you can't change your mind about childbirth - it has to come out one way or the other. And there are only those two ways. Two friends forewarning her about each of these methods isn't exactly going to help!

AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 22:16:46

By 'only these two ways', I meant a vaginal birth or caesarian section. Induction isn't standard, though it leads to a vaginal birth.

Mishap Thu 04-Jun-15 22:19:30

She does need to talk to her midwife - that is what they are there for.

Isn't there always someone around who loves to spread alarm and despondency? Sigh. Poor lass.

Ana Thu 04-Jun-15 22:20:57

I'm not sure about any 'conspiracy of silence' AshTree, I think it was more the case that women just got on with it and didn't feel the need to tell all and sundry about their delivery problems.

These days it seems to be compulsory to share the most intimate details, if not in person then on FB - it's a sort of one-upmanship.
(or should that be one-upwomanship? confused)

janeainsworth Thu 04-Jun-15 22:47:04

ashtree your DD should definitely seek reassurance from her midwife or obstetrician - I'm assuming that for an induction, an obstetrician would be involved. That's what the professionals are there for, and they would much rather deal with someone who was confident and relaxed than someone who was tense and anxious because some spiteful person had wound them up.

You can tell your DD that two of my three deliveries were induced, and were very straightforward.
The one I went into labour with naturally had to be delivered with forceps.

I do hope all goes well for your DD.

AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 22:54:30

Yes janea I will definitely be gently encouraging her to make the phone calls tomorrow. I don't want her worrying about this all by herself. She said today that she should stop being so neurotic, that she should 'man up'. Brave words, but inside I know she'll be anxious sad

AshTree Thu 04-Jun-15 22:55:16

Oh and thanks for sharing your positive experiences of induction. I will tell her smile

Crafting Thu 04-Jun-15 23:17:23

I was induced twice and had no problems at all. Both babies born fine and well no forceps and no trauma. Hope all goes well for your DD.

Tegan Thu 04-Jun-15 23:23:10

Maybe the friend was trying to point out that it's better to have a planned c section rather than an emergency one and not to leave it too late if that appears to be happening? I was relieved to hear that my DIL agreed to have a c section when things weren't happening as planned rather than carry on trying when she was exhausted.

Katek Thu 04-Jun-15 23:34:05

Even planned c sections can go wrong so they're not always the best choice either. DIL had planned section (for medical reasons) in February but epidural didn't seem to be working too well despite a top up, so she unexpectedly ended up with a general anaesthetic. It's also major abdominal surgery so not something to undergo if you can avoid it..

As we all know there's no rhyme or reason to childbirth, no idea how each labour will progress. I hope your Dd's anxieties can be lessened and that all goes well for her AshTree.

Nelliemoser Thu 04-Jun-15 23:46:18

That was very thoughtless of the friend to say all that to someone awaiting a birth.
The medics do need to honest about all the risks and possibilities but to create more anxiety in someone is not helpful.
All I got with my first baby was that the head hadn't engaged and looking at the results of an xray it was possible that I probably would require a C section. You just need to know the facts not other peoples "horror stories".

Stansgran Fri 05-Jun-15 10:05:01

All my DM would ever say about childbirth was "it's like a bad do on the toilet"blush. We had taken my MIL to Edinburgh to see my DH get his degree and she felt the need to tell me unasked in graphic detail about her third child whose birth was thoroughly mismanaged with crushed skull etc etc. there is always someone who revels in horror stories. Don't let DD see this thread.

AshTree Fri 05-Jun-15 18:31:07

Oh Lord, Stansgran, what a horrible story you had to hear from your MiL! No, don't worry, I will keep this thread from my DD!

Update: she managed to get in touch with her obstetrician today and has an appointment to see her first thing on Wednesday to discuss her worries. So I shall be up at the crack of dawn again to take her to the hospital shock. But I'm pleased she'll get the chance to either a) have her fears allayed, or b) change her birthing plan to c-section. I'll be happy with whatever she feels happiest about.

Chase5000 Thu 11-Jun-15 08:42:10

I totally agree with you about people telling horror stories to scare an already vulnerable woman, pregnant with hormones all over the place.

She doesn't need to hear that.

You are spot on.

whenim64 Thu 11-Jun-15 09:14:51

AshTree I hope your DD feels reassured after she's seen the obstetrician. I think the 'Conspiracy of Silence' is apt for many young new mums whose friends and family see no need to dwell on what can go wrong or how much pain to expect. I renember the midwives reassuring me that it's a feeling of intense pressure and that's a good sign labour is progressing, which my niece-in-law, a busy midwife, maintains today. I still maintain it f*****g hurts!! grin But anyway, there's pain relief. Inductions for all my children went well and I found (and others have said, too) my thinking changed as labour began and I was preoccupied with having my babies delivered quickly and safely. We'll look forward to hearing your good news when the baby is born.

AshTree Thu 11-Jun-15 09:31:21

Yes, when, you are so right about your thinking changing as labour began. This is what I've been telling her, that by the time labour is well under way she would not be focusing on the pain (which, yes, does f*****g hurt!) so much as getting the bloody job done grin
The meeting went so well yesterday - DD asked me to go in with her (two sets of ears and so on). We saw the obstetrician's registrar as she was delayed elsewhere, but he was fantastic. He laid all the facts before her, in a totally neutral and non-judgemental manner, and said he would support her whatever decision she made. Because she was still so unsure, he said, 'look, go and have a cup of tea and think through everything, then come back and see me in, say, an hour'.
So we did just that. I tried so hard not to influence her, but helped her to order her thoughts by making a list of the pros and cons for each side. At this point it looked as if a c-section was in the lead, but I kept that thought to myself! I said to her, 'Imagine you've already made your decision and we're walking out that door now, and your decision was induction. How do you feel?' The answer was immediate: 'proud of myself'. Then I put the same scenario, but with the c-section decision and asked how she felt. Her whole demeanour relaxed as she said with a smile "enormous relief". So I said, 'OK, put those two feelings in a set of scales, pride on one side, relief on the other. Which one is tipping the scales?
So her decision was made that way. She'll be booked in for a c-section at 39 weeks and is awaiting a phone call to say which day. Likely to be next Thursday or Friday (she's 39 weeks on Thursday). I will keep you all informed!

Maggiemaybe Thu 11-Jun-15 09:34:29

"No lady is going to get her baby without a little bit of discomfort" was the answer from the midwife at my antenatal class when asked how much it would hurt. She was not a woman prone to exaggeration. grin

whenim64 Thu 11-Jun-15 09:35:02

Excellent, Ashtree. There are times when mum really does know what her daughter needs to hear and that was one of them smile

AshTree Thu 11-Jun-15 09:36:04

"a little bit of discomfort" gringringringringrin.

AshTree Thu 11-Jun-15 09:41:52

I was so pleased I'd accompanied her, when, because there was a chance that DH was going to take her instead. He said afterwards, "Thank God I didn't - I wouldn't have been any use at all. I would have just said, 'Look, it's your decision darling, I can't make it for you.'" grin

Mishap Thu 11-Jun-15 10:01:51

It feels good when a decision has been made - nothing worse than indecision. So good that she had you there to focus her mind. ooking forward to the birth announcement on GNet.