Not to want to host a meal for family on my birthday

It's taken years of hard work to be spoilt on my birthday. I did watch one of my MiLs always have to cook for everyone if she wanted to see any of her family on her birthday but back then ex and I didn't have enough money or space to be able to do it for her. as soon as we could, we started to, and then eventually were able to afford to take her out for meals. I think maybe it often starts out like that, but people don't start questioning it - it is what has always been done. Family assume the mother does it because she likes doing it, and don't realise that it is because she may not see her family at all because they don't want the work. Plenty of families really are that selfish.

One of my grandmothers, however, really did love cooking for everyone. Thankfully I didn't inherit her genes.

Reading these coments has made me feel much better! I too like my birthday to be "my" day and sometimes feel disappointed at how the family, including my lovely husband don't seem to get it. I always feel like a selfish old misery guts if I try to engjneer it! Like many of us I find it hard to be explicit about what I would like to happen and live in hope that what I would like will somehow just happen. After all I've spent a lot of time making sure birthdays etc are just what they wanted! OK rant over!

Same here jing! Always Cooked or provided the food for Mother's Day and Father's Day. If my son is in the country on the day (rarely) he will cook or take us out for a meal. Still waiting for DD to do the same. .

I really enjoy GN for this sort of topic. It's very easy to think we are being unreasonable just because we are used to happily doing the lion's share of the catering and jobs. My husband thinks I'm being 'funny' if I suggest going out anywhere on my birthday or that I might like a present. He invites his (older and quirky) brother to stay regularly and I wait on them hand and feet. Last time DH said 'you might look more cheerful!'. This actually looks a poor show reading it back .....

Hi Victoria. If you click on 'acronyms' at the top of this thread, you will find the most common abbreviations and their meanings. It is just our lazy way of talking about our family members.

DS=Dear Son, DD=Dear Daughter, DH=Dear Husband, DGS=Dear Grandson, etc.

Can someone please explain the abbreviations, DDS DS DFS and so on. Can't think what they mean.

My DS's are all better cooks than me, so prefer to do the cooking when they are here!

Do what my inlaws always did for family occaisions. Get everyone to take some particular type of prepared food along and arrange in advance who would take what so you have a good buffet range.

Hear hear to all the above!

Although I do think it is nice that his gf wants to come to your house on her birthday (lots of young people just want to go to the pub and can't be bothered with the oldies).
You could say 'Oh, great, are you bringing the food and wine and doing all the cooking then?'

However, your birthday is your birthday, quite separate and you deserve to be spoilt on that day.

Two years ago on my birthday I shopped for prepared , and served a birthday dinner. While doing this I overheard DH and DS making 'hilarious' 1970s style comments about my catering skills. I was really upset. I'd done all this after a long day at work. Well I lost it with them! Boy did they get a surprise. Ever since I've been treated to lovely meals out on my birthday and DH rushes to help if I am preparing a special meal.

I don't understand why he is bringing his gf to you to celebrate her birthday, doesn't she have family of her own who want to celebrate with her? or better yet why doesn't he take her out for a nice romantic dinner? As for cooking for your own birthday party - NO, NO, NO. you are not being unreasonable.

I did it for years - cooked my own birthday dinner for the family. And for Mother's Day. I always felt something wasn't quite right. We go out now, or DD cooks.

Or even a completely serious but melodramatic What!? cook for my own birthday celebration! Not blimmin' likely!

YANBU. My family members know me well enough not to even suggest such a thing, thank goodness. Yes, make your preferences wants very clear. You can do it in a mock-amused mock-terrified way. Good luck.

I'm with everyone else on this, entertaining family and friends is a lot of damn hard work, tidying the house, buying the food, preparing it and clearing up afterwards, how is that a treat? If we have a birthday with a nought on the end, we treat ourselves and go away. We have done Rome and Venice for my husband's past two noughts and Mexico and Argentina for my last two. We did an impromptu party, in the garden for my husband's b'day a few years ago for family and friends, his being early September, any day soon, it was a lovely hot Sunday we enjoyed doing it but it was a 24 hour frenzy of food preparation and masses of clearing up afterwards. Go out for a meal and enjoy it and have a few glasses of and a lovely day.

Good grief, no, you are not being unreasonable! I don't think our children, especially our sons, ever take account of the work involved - we mums have always done this stuff, so obviously it's no hardship to us. We can do it without thinking, can't we? No, we can't!!! And more to the point, we like to be pampered, have someone else do things for us, just once in a while.

Definitely agree about saying 'No' without explanation. I knew someone who could always effortlessly do that. I was so envious.

Enjoy your birthday. Put your feet up. Refuse point black to do a sodding thing for anyone else all day

The idea obviously just occurred to your DS and he didn't give a thought to the work involved.
You were quite right to say no.

That reminded me of the cartoon birthday card my 22 year old grandson got me. BAD LANGUAGE ALERT. Two older people sitting on a sofa and the man says "What do you say we have a special family meal for your birthday tomorrow?" - "Janet thought that would be lovely" - open the card and "Janet didn't realise she'd be cooking the fucker". It made me laugh though it wouldn't have done if it represented what actually happens.

I absolutely agree with you suzied. That isn't a birthday treat at all for you and I think you are perfectly within your rights to say, with a grin, that as much as you'd enjoy spending the morning of your birthday slaving away in the kitchen, you've decided to forego that pleasure and have a meal out instead!

You do what you want suzied and kindly refuse with a smile I have done that for my birthday in a couple of weeks time and to be honest I do think they where all relieved to be without the pressure it would have caused for them to have altered their work pattens so hubby and I will spend the day doing what we want .

Agree, learn to say NO- but always with humour, a smile and a wink.

YANBU!!
Learning to say no has been the most liberating thing I've done ever. Just saying, "No thanks, I don't want to do that" with a smile, is all that's necessary, no need to explain.
On your birthday, do what makes you happy.

It's 'hear, hear' (listen, listen) and you are not being at all unreasonable.

thanks so much everyone. I will definitely make it clear the meal is to celebrate DS gf birthday. No mention of mine will be allowed!

Here here! or is it hear hear! - I never know.