Deadline for DS.

If he doesn't want to go to uni then he needs to get out into the world and find a job. He'll tell you he can't find one but there is nothing to stop him gaining experience for his CV by doing charity work.

Where does he get his spending money? Are you funding his lifestyle? If so, withdraw the financial support. You're on benefits. You can't afford to fund his lifestyle. He needs a kick up the backside.

Could you not just stop his access to the Internet? It would force him to do other things with his time?

Thank you all for your kind words. They are insightful and I will talk with him about not wanting to go to university. But, as I am on benefits, I will not continue to get money for him from next year and he will not be able to get benefits at his age to get his own place. The only options are to be working and getting his own flat/sharing with someone or going to university. For any of that he needs qualifications of some kind.

I am about to put myself forward for a ground floor flat so that my health conditions can be eased greatly. If he doesn't help, then I have to do it myself. He is 19 in May so ready to stand on his own two feet.

Due to assaults, I home schooled him from 12 to 16 when I did teach him many life skills so he does know how to cook, look after himself and I do not now do his laundry or his cooking regular. He does help around the house given a push but after much asking. I am away soon and I will leave him money to go for his own shopping, not leave a fridge full of stuff for him and if he speaks disrespectfully to me, or doesn't care about my health, then he does do without things.

One thing I have done is put lots of God things up, posters, window cling, magnets on the fridge. He is an athiest and detests God things, I have a faith and believe strongly. Hopefully it will encourage him to see that it is time he lived somewhere where he can have full choice over his surroundings. It's not that I don't love him, by goodness I have had since the day he was born tending to his needs, but he has been hard work and I need now to look after myself. He slept with me for the first four years of his life, he was so much hard work, then a little time off and then the home schooling for four years. Then worrrying due to him being depressed and trying to get him help but eventually concluding that unless he wants the help, my hands are tied.

He does socialise, very much so. That's part of the problem really. As soon as he leaves his mates at college, he's home and talking to them all night on facebook, especially one girl who was his girlfriend but now are just friends again. But he still holds a candle and it's hard to get him to see that she won't go out with him again and so he needs to get on with his life and what that has in store. But then who listened to their parents at 18?

All I was asking really is am I right to give him a timescale to work to to find other accommodation seeing that I have to change my life due to health and to get a one bed flat for myself? I don't want to think of getting a two bed flat as I wouldn't want to be in such a hurry again to move into a one bed once he does leave. Plus I wouldn't be a priority then neither, at present I can go priority due to health problems. It's not what I planned coming into this house a year ago but then my problems have got a lot worse over this year and might have been eased with a little help from my son.

If he is over 18 he should be told to show some respect for you and take some responsibility for himself or go. Now.

Sometimes it is futile to nag, reason with or even try to encourage a teenager.

Perhaps he does not really want to go to university; certainly he is hiding his head in the sand about it.
I agree with other posters, especially the view that he should be looking after himself more and becoming more responsible for his washing, cleaning his room, perhaps sharing the cooking.
If he has changed his mind about university he needs to start looking for a job or and/or an apprenticeship.
And if he wants to continue living at home to keep a civil tongue in his head.

I think he needs some tough love - both words having equal importance.

Good luck

This isn't a new problem, I remember you posting about his behaviour before. I doubt he's going to change any time soon and I think you'll find yourself in the same position this time next year.
But I do sympathise.

Ruby - I am not sure how old this young man is - I think that makes a difference to your decisions.

If he is still late teenage, then his being at home is not out of the norm; and his inability to empathise with you and your health problems is a pain, but might not be unusual for a boy of that age who is worried about his own life.

If he is older, then the situation is slightly different.

In either event I do not think you can have a say in what he does next with his life - I know you want him to go to uni, but if it is not what he wants then that has to be his decision. I might feel my DDs have wasted potential, but they have to choose what they do with their lives. I know you want him to "make something of his life" but in the end, as a young adult, it is down to him and no-one else to decide what he defines as making something of himself and to either do it or not. We can make suggestions, but in the end it is down to them.

What you can have a say over is how he behaves in your home. Are there any ground rules about helping with the housework, financial contributions etc.? You could simply stop doing the things he takes for granted - e.g. laundry, shopping, cooking unless he meets certain conditions of behaviour in relation to your shared home. I would also ask nina's question as to whether he goes out and socialises at all.

I would also suggest that young men are a high risk group for hidden mental health problems (and indeed suicide) - not trying to put the wind up you, but there is a possibility that he might be suffering in some way and that the facebook/games/youtube are a cover-up for feeling he cannot face the world.

I suppose that what I am saying is that, much as you would wish him to be/behave differently he has to make his own choices, even if they are ones you do not like. If he does not feel brave enough to venture into the world and stand on his own two feet, he can at least be expected to observe some basic ground rules at home - not rules that ask him to live as you want in terms of career and daily activities (e.g. studying as you want him to), but ones that give him the incentive to behave as an adult - i.e. taking his share of things that need doing and knowing that his life will be less comfortable if he does not. A gentle dose of reality: if you do not get the shopping/tidy the living room/wash some clothes then some of your creature comforts will vanish.

I do not know if you have ever read anything about Transactional Analysis - it is a theory and therapy that states that we relate to each other (whatever our age and whoever) in different roles - very often reflecting child/parent roles. Your son is still in a child role at a time when your relationship might be expected to be moving on to relating to each other as two adults.

Might it be worth your while asking yourself what actions you are taking that give him an excuse to stay in that child role? I am thinking that he is used to you saying the same things/expressing the same concerns/ nagging the same stuff (as he will see it) and he might be brought up short if you change your tack. e.g. I'm off out to the cinema tonight, you'll have to get your own tea, and, oh by the way, there's nothing in the fridge.

I do not know your circumstances ruby and some of the above may not apply (e.g. you may not be able to get out to the cinema or whatever) but these thoughts are intended to be helpful, so please take them in the spirit in which they are meant!

rubylady oh how I feel for you,if he was mine he would be getting the tough love and given a much sooner date than next October !!
Does he really think he will gain access to a paramedic course with an attitude that he has ? and as for being verbally abusive I just wouldn't put up with it for one minute,we all want the best for our children but they have to want to achieve also and your boy needs a short sharp shock to get his life in order.(( big hugs for you )) & a cup of

I could be well of the mark but does he go out and socialise at all ?

rubylady What a horrible dilemma for you to be in Just a thought - are you sure that your DS really wants to be a paramedic? Could all his prevaricating be, partly, because it's his way of ensuring he doesn't pass his A-levels, leading to a change in career direction? Does the thought of uni scare him (he probably wouldn't admit to that!)?

rubylady Personally, I think you are a saint to have given him a year! It sounds to me as though some "tough love" is what he needs. Some help and consideration when you're not well is not too much to expect, although at his age, I don't think you can expect much company from him.