University visit.

ruby I hope you are feeling better. News like you have had is a shock and not easy to deal with.

I really would not be too concerned about your son visiting a university without you. Living accommodation isn't sorted out until after A level results and the university place being confirmed so you would get no idea of what his living accommodation would be like and apart from physically seeing the campus and buildings, you will get little idea about what his life will be like at university once he is there. A university open day is a bit like a sightseeing bus journey around a town you have never been to before. You can see what it looks like but have no idea what living there would be like.

Concentrate on caring for yourself and your father. It looks as if your son is making practical plans to achieve the independence you want him to have.

GS seems to have settled well into univ and accommodation neither of which he'd seen, or shown any interest in seeing, until the start of term. Amusingly he's commenting that some fellow students never seem to emerge from their rooms, he who spent most of a gap year in his own!!
Gratifyingly for his mother he also said how much simpler it is to take a tea cloth and wipe your crockery, cutlery after washing up instead of piling it on the draining board to dry with everyone else's. It avoids teetering piles of dishes smashing to the ground!
He'll be discovering washing machines on campus next!

He probably thinks you are not well enough to go! You say yourself that sometimes you struggle to breathe. I think this teacher is giving him special attention because he needs it. I would be grateful.

I didn't go with any of my three to visit universities - from what I gather, some parents do and some parents don't. The eldest two did go with teachers, to one of the prospective universities, in a group with a few others.

I don't know your back story, rubylady, but on the face of it, this incident is not worth worrying about!

Feeling helpless is very stressful Ruby

Oh ruby what a hard day.

Yes when you are under stress you sometimes go off piste as it were. You sound more together now in your post.

Don't worry about seeing where he will live, plenty of time for that. If you have a car he may well hope that will take all his clobber, so you will see it all then.

Thank you all for your comments. He turns 19 next year.

I suppose I was feeling shocking yesterday and not the best day for him to say anything about university really.

I had been to the hospital with my dad yesterday, seeing a specialist who more than not thinks he has cancer. He already has the dementia. I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller. My dad had forgot within minutes of us getting back from the hospital that we had even been.

Things are happening beyond my control, maybe that is part of it and also I am losing my dad and my son.

I just wanted to see where he would be living.

My eldest son went for two interviews in Newcastle on his 18th birthday and the day after. We were living in Hampshire at the time, but the only people he knew up there were his grandparents. So on his 18th he went out for a meal with his grandparents, and has never let us forget it! It was in Warkworth, a nice place.

I agree with what everyone has said. It is hard not to be included but it actually shows you have been successful in getting him to be an independent young adult. It's a bit of a right of passage doing it without mum or dad.

DD didn't even go to look at the university herself. She hadn't applied to any and just got a place through clearing when she got her A Level results. The first time she saw the place was when she drove up at the start of term. It was several months before we went up to visit her and we never saw where she was working until her graduation.

It must be 25 years since DS2 researched University courses and I was far too busy to take him every time - or even at any time. He knew far better than I did exactly what he wanted. I think my ex went with him once, but only because he needed transport. From what DS told me, I got the impression that he interviewed the lecturer rather than vice versa. Anyway, he got the offers he wanted and was able to select one he liked best. Surely prospective students will create a better impression by showing initiative rather than dragging a parent along with them - or a teacher for that matter.

PS 'glory' is a very strange word to use ruby ....'pleasure or chance' are words I might have used.

I agree it's a bit 'odd'. All the above queries need an answer plus is this teacher planning on taking a day off teaching? And has this been approved by her HoD?

Yes, that's what I find odd, NotTooOld. Unless it's a planned visit for a group.

Seems odd to me that a teacher has agreed to go with him. Are the two of them going on their own? Who's paying? Is it an overnight stop? Would s/he do the same for all her/his tutees? I wouldn't be upset that he does not want you to go with him but I would certainly be asking a few questions.

Oh no, you are right - must be getting confused, he is indeed 18!

I thought he wasn't 18 until next May...?

Both of my DC travelled the country, alone, checking out universities. At 17 or 18 I would not expect them to need their hands held. We spend 18 years making DC independent, you will come across as clingy if you complain.

I see he is 18, so nearly right!!

Sorry Rubylady for some reason I thought your DS had done his A levels already.

As far as I can recall, rubylady's son is still only 17.

I agree with those who have said just be glad he's showing some initiative, I'd try very hard not to show him how hurt you are - I'm sure you'll get the chance to see where he's going to study when he eventually makes his decision.

I didn't go with mine - they were big girls/young women then and could choose what they wanted to do.

I know it is harder to let go of a child when you have been a single parent (although I know in some ways you will be glad to let go of him as you have stated before), but I would take this all as a good sign: he is going to look at a uni (which is what you wanted for him) and he has taken his own steps to arrange a visit (and you wanted him to start taking more responsibility for his own life).

He is doing what you wanted, so please don't appear miffed or he will have just cause to throw his hands in the air in despair!!

I am glad to here he is heading in the right direction - tell him you are pleased!!!

Look on the bright side, Rubylady. I got roped into taking my eldest son and his two hairy college pals to open days at Bristol, Bath and Nottingham, then all three settled for Manchester, just up the road. Next son quietly picked his uni and got on the bus to check it out. It's easy to find out what you want to know online and you can look forward to visiting him and taking him out for dinner when he's there.

rubylady you're feeling a bit miffed I know, but really there are a lot of parents who don't accompany their (adult) children on these visits so maybe try not to take it as a snub. (((hugs)))

The teacher may be able to look at the University more in terms of the course and the lecturers and facilities than you would - you would be concentrating on other aspects. And perhaps he wants to make his own decision without the distraction of your presence - parents do tend to be "in charge" however much they try not to be, and he is after all doing something adult now. When he has made his mind up, you could go with him and let him show you around. He will be "the expert" by then, with a sense of ownership.

I think you will have to grin and bear it and just listen with interest as he tells you all about it - he will be doing a lot of stuff for himself from now on, and that can't be bad, can it? Then he will be an adult who can relate to you on equal terms, instead of a stroppy teenager who rebels and goes surly, and you can be proud of him in his independence.