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University visit.

(38 Posts)
rubylady Thu 15-Oct-15 04:35:50

I know I have moaned about my DS and rightly so. I take all your views onboard and pray that I can stay sane until he has done his A levels and got his place at University.

My new gripe is that he has asked his teacher to take him to the open day at the Welsh University he wants to go to and she has agreed, without telling me. I feel hurt to be usurped as his lone parent and the only one who has been there and struggled with him all his life.

AIBU to be deprived of the glory of seeing where he might get to live/study for the next 4 years? I am starting to confuse myself.

Leticia Thu 15-Oct-15 06:59:03

Have you asked him why he has done this?

whitewave Thu 15-Oct-15 07:17:03

I would t worry about it, both my two toddled around the country looking at various universities with friends and not me. I simply saw it as growing up and doing something without mum in tow. It is the beginning of loosening the apron strings, and harder on you than them.

Hopefully he will eventually share his thoughts with you, but I wouldn't push it too much.

ninathenana Thu 15-Oct-15 07:22:43

I agree with whitewave neither of mine went to uni but I know my brother's two went looking together although they didn't start the same year.

soontobe Thu 15-Oct-15 07:24:46

When I went around unis with mine, it wasnt that usual that parents went. Probably half of them did?
Now, it is more usual, I think in part because of the money layout involved.

He may not know that parents do often go. He may have friends whose parents are not going.

J52 Thu 15-Oct-15 07:43:29

I didn't go with either of mine. It was better that they made their own minds up, it was their first real decision regarding their lives! After all they were the ones going ther for 3 or 4 years.

It is easy to look up the statistics regarding a university, if you are worried about the success rate and usefulness of the degree.


J52 Thu 15-Oct-15 07:44:49

*there, of course!

Leticia Thu 15-Oct-15 07:48:18

I didn't go with my eldest- it wasn't usual.
I went with my youngest- it was usual.

The issue here seems to be - why didn't he ask you? Did he think you wouldn't want to take you or did he not actually want to go?
Why did the teacher agree? That isn't usual.

M0nica Thu 15-Oct-15 07:50:45

I think it is a good sign, rubylady. It shows he is taking a step into that independence you so wish for him. As for not being told, he is 19 and, officially an autonomous adult. It would be a breach of confidentiality for his tutor to tell you she planned to take him on this visit. If she did and he made a complaint she could lose her job.

DS is a university lecturer and finds parents too often dominate these visits to the disadvantage of their children. The children get pushed into courses they do not really want to do at unoiversities they do not want to go to and he and the rest of the staff have to deal with the ensuing problems.

Maggiemaybe Thu 15-Oct-15 07:56:48

It does seem a bit odd. Perhaps the teacher offered to take anyone who wanted to go and he just took her up on it? None of mine took us along back in the day, they went with friends and cost us a fortune in train and coach fares.

Iam64 Thu 15-Oct-15 08:14:38

Maybe the teacher is going with a group of young people. Does your son have a mentor Ruby, if so it maybe the mentor is going rather than a teacher. Who is funding the trip?

Try looking at it positively, he wants to go to University, he's selected a specific place he'd like to study at and he's organised/motivated enough to visit at the right time of year. He is growing up smile

Alea Thu 15-Oct-15 09:04:15

Like many of the others I didn't do university open days with the DDs. When I was a Sixth Form tutor we used to organise trips to universities for small groups of L6 (16/17 year olds) , often with a member of staff, presumably to ensure the students didn't just disappear into Costa's to shepherd them and help if necessary. I am not sure what use a parent would be and young people really need to be allowed to do this sort of thing independently. He is 19, I understand? Those apron strings must be ready for cutting!

Greyduster Thu 15-Oct-15 09:47:39

We didn't accompany DD on any of her university open day visits. She went with friends who were looking at the same universities she was interested in, travelling by train and coach. If she'd had to go alone, perhaps she would have asked us. DS's stepsons, on the other hand, have been accompanied by him and d-I-l throughout, driving very long distances in the process.

Elegran Thu 15-Oct-15 09:48:07

The teacher may be able to look at the University more in terms of the course and the lecturers and facilities than you would - you would be concentrating on other aspects. And perhaps he wants to make his own decision without the distraction of your presence - parents do tend to be "in charge" however much they try not to be, and he is after all doing something adult now. When he has made his mind up, you could go with him and let him show you around. He will be "the expert" by then, with a sense of ownership.

I think you will have to grin and bear it and just listen with interest as he tells you all about it - he will be doing a lot of stuff for himself from now on, and that can't be bad, can it? Then he will be an adult who can relate to you on equal terms, instead of a stroppy teenager who rebels and goes surly, and you can be proud of him in his independence.

grannyactivist Thu 15-Oct-15 09:57:21

rubylady you're feeling a bit miffed I know, but really there are a lot of parents who don't accompany their (adult) children on these visits so maybe try not to take it as a snub. (((hugs)))

whenim64 Thu 15-Oct-15 10:06:46

Look on the bright side, Rubylady. I got roped into taking my eldest son and his two hairy college pals to open days at Bristol, Bath and Nottingham, then all three settled for Manchester, just up the road. Next son quietly picked his uni and got on the bus to check it out. It's easy to find out what you want to know online and you can look forward to visiting him and taking him out for dinner when he's there.

Luckygirl Thu 15-Oct-15 10:40:05

I didn't go with mine - they were big girls/young women then and could choose what they wanted to do.

I know it is harder to let go of a child when you have been a single parent (although I know in some ways you will be glad to let go of him as you have stated before), but I would take this all as a good sign: he is going to look at a uni (which is what you wanted for him) and he has taken his own steps to arrange a visit (and you wanted him to start taking more responsibility for his own life).

He is doing what you wanted, so please don't appear miffed or he will have just cause to throw his hands in the air in despair!!

I am glad to here he is heading in the right direction - tell him you are pleased!!!

Ana Thu 15-Oct-15 11:00:56

As far as I can recall, rubylady's son is still only 17.

I agree with those who have said just be glad he's showing some initiative, I'd try very hard not to show him how hurt you are - I'm sure you'll get the chance to see where he's going to study when he eventually makes his decision.

Alea Thu 15-Oct-15 11:15:51

Sorry Rubylady for some reason I thought your DS had done his A levels already.

Alea Thu 15-Oct-15 11:18:11

I see he is 18, so nearly right!!

harrigran Thu 15-Oct-15 11:46:32

Both of my DC travelled the country, alone, checking out universities. At 17 or 18 I would not expect them to need their hands held. We spend 18 years making DC independent, you will come across as clingy if you complain.

Ana Thu 15-Oct-15 11:50:38

I thought he wasn't 18 until next May...?

Ana Thu 15-Oct-15 11:52:04

Oh no, you are right - must be getting confused, he is indeed 18! blush

NotTooOld Thu 15-Oct-15 11:57:39

Seems odd to me that a teacher has agreed to go with him. Are the two of them going on their own? Who's paying? Is it an overnight stop? Would s/he do the same for all her/his tutees? I wouldn't be upset that he does not want you to go with him but I would certainly be asking a few questions.

Maggiemaybe Thu 15-Oct-15 12:11:31

Yes, that's what I find odd, NotTooOld. Unless it's a planned visit for a group.