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Golden Wedding

(44 Posts)
Granny23 Tue 27-Oct-15 23:12:23

So that's it settled then. DH has spoken. The DDs have been going on about our Golden Wedding (June 2016) for ages now and recently the pressure has stepped up as they say that in order to book a cruise for us or a venue for a big celebration they will have to start making arrangements soon. DH ruled out the cruise straight away because a) he felt sick and dizzy on the ferry from Oban to Barra this year b) the Mediterranean is full of refugees in collapsing boats, c) Scandinavian countries are too cold and everything else is too far away, d) Cruise ships are too big and he would get lost (this is probably true!) e) Our passports are out of date.

What about the BIG celebratory party? a) most of his friends are dead, b)he might not recognise some of our old friends c) all new friends are mine not his, d) he would be forced to wear his kilt, make a speech, dance and thereby 'make a show of himself'.

In addition, both of these options would involve spending a lot of money. He does not want the DDs to waste their money on us, nor waste our own money on something he would not enjoy.

OK - what would HE enjoy, what would HE like to do? After much thought, he decided that we had better do something and thought that he could 'treat' me + 2DDs + 3DGC to our tea in the local pub. This would be sensible as it did not require pre-planning or booking, hair cuts or new clothes and could be cancelled on the day if he did not feel up to going, or otherwise I could just go myself with the family as long as I was not gone too long.

AIBU to feel that 50 years of marriage deserves something special by way of celebration? AIBU to think that he might consider what I want for once? AIBU to consider putting him into respite care for a week and going on a cruise with my sister (who was my bridesmaid) shock

midgey Tue 27-Oct-15 23:38:15

I think a medal for you might be in order, you have not murdered him yet!

ninathenana Wed 28-Oct-15 00:17:52

Oh dear ! no you are not being unreasonable at all.
I think your last paragraph warrants consideration.

I'd be very cross and upset with him.

mumofmadboys Wed 28-Oct-15 07:05:20

What does AIBU stand for?

suzied Wed 28-Oct-15 07:13:54

Well as its a wedding anniversary celebration, it seems like he should be included. Go for a family meal at a nice hotel or restaurant for the wedding anniversary and drag him along, then go away with your sister for a week ( say it's for your birthday/ recovering from looking after him for 50 years /whatever ) then you'll have something to look forward to!

kittylester Wed 28-Oct-15 07:20:38

mumofmadboys, it stands for am I being unreasonable'.

And, no Granny23 you are not! I think at the very least a super duper meal for all of you. And, as someone else said, a flipping medal for you!

mumofmadboys Wed 28-Oct-15 07:29:27

Thanks Kitty.
Granny 23. Perhaps your hubby will change his mind once he"s had a bit of time to think it over.

Welshwife Wed 28-Oct-15 07:44:37

Each to his own and I know my OH would hate any big show etc. When my parents had their Golden Wedding I asked what they would like to do and my DF wanted to visit some of the old places near where they used to live as children in London (my parents had known each other all their lives). Eventually we did three things - a family meal out with just them, my family with DS, DD and newly acquired DSiL and my sister. My sister organised a party for their brothers and sisters and families and a few close friends and we took them on the trip one Sunday afternoon back to their old haunts and finished with afternoon tea in the Tower Hotel overlooking Tower Bridge. They loved it all as spread over a couple of weeks and they did not get too tired - my parents did not marry till they were 30.

Welshwife Wed 28-Oct-15 07:49:00

We went to a Golden Wedding party earlier this year and with the invitation came a note saying that as they really did not want/need anything could we all make a dish to contribute to the party feast. People took all sorts of food and drink and a great time was had by all - a local couple singing and a local group playing. There was a barbecue going on all evening - very relaxed and so much food left over that those who could went back the next day and had left overs for lunch!

sarah12345 Wed 28-Oct-15 08:11:15

You are not in the least unreasonable. I think you should definitely book that cruise with your sister. Could your daughters have a quiet word with their father and let him know that you are upset and that he is being selfish?

grumppa Wed 28-Oct-15 08:18:08

Why should the DH be bullied/cajoled into celebrating a major event in his life by doing something he knows he won't enjoy? Surely after sixty years the happy pair can agree on something?

sarah12345 Wed 28-Oct-15 08:29:55

Because his wife would enjoy it Grumpa? Presumably his wife has done many things over the years she has not particularly enjoyed for her husband's sake. Surely he could grit his teeth, put a smile on his face and do something to make his wife happy.

J52 Wed 28-Oct-15 08:51:22

Why not have a simple celebration with close family/ friends on the day and then choose a trip away to somewhere you both agree on?

We also don't care for the big fuss on significant birthdays or anniversaries, but do use them as an excuse for a bit of luxurious travel!


annsixty Wed 28-Oct-15 09:10:44

We took 14 close friends and family for a lovely dinner at a local restaurant on the evening and had more friends for a buffet lunch, all ordered from Simply Food, at our home the next day, and 3 weeks later took our family to a family villa in Nerja, for a lovely two weeks. We enjoyed every minute and it was all our choice.

annsixty Wed 28-Oct-15 09:12:57

grumppa it is 50years not 60!!

grumppa Wed 28-Oct-15 09:16:35

It just seems odd to celebrate 50 years of partnership by doing something that one knows the other won't enjoy. Unless DH has been a miserable grump for five decades, in which case OP should clear off on a cruise with her sister having instructed a solicitor to institute divorce proceedings!

loopylou Wed 28-Oct-15 09:19:20

Definitely do something you'd enjoy Granny23, with or without His Nibs, a cruise with your sister sounds perfect.

My DH would be very like yours so you certainly deserve some spoiling after surviving 50 years of marriage!

rosesarered Wed 28-Oct-15 09:23:14

That sounded nice annesixty I like Nerja.
I think that your Golden Wedding Anniversary is important, but of equal importance for the two of you.Generally speaking, men don't like a big fuss, and women do! compromise is the name of the game.I suspect my DH won't want a big 'do' either, but a family meal out somewhere nice, followed by a holiday for the two of us somewhere we both like,would probably suit both of us.

Luckygirl Wed 28-Oct-15 09:34:22

We had a ceilidh in the village hall for our silver, and a lovely event for our ruby - we went to a lovely Elizabethan manor house nearby, where everyone (close friends and family) arrived in their wellies and went for a pre-lunch walk through the woods - we then settled down in one of the barns where caterers provided a lunch while a classical guitarist treated us to some beautiful music. It was very informal and unfussy and my OH (who has PD) thoroughly enjoyed it because it was not a big fuss and there were only about 20 people there. The owner of the house thought it was such fun that he came and joined in!

Our Golden is looming in 4 years and I guess my OH might be even less fit by then and will probably not be able to cope with any palavar. We will have to wait and see.

Here is a suggestion - have a small meal out/or at home to celebrate the day; then take yourself of a holiday with your sister. Clearly his wishes cannot be ignored even if they seem a bit dreary. After 50 years I am sure that you guessed how he would feel!

Lona Wed 28-Oct-15 09:35:26

Granny23, you aren't being unreasonable but maybe he feels that your DDS are railroading him into doing something he doesn't want.
Haven't they asked you both what you'd both like?
Maybe you and he should have a chat and see what would be a happy solution. sunshine

janeainsworth Wed 28-Oct-15 10:00:49

I think Golden Weddings should be celebrated because it is an achievement to stay together for 50 years, and also, not to put too fine a point on it, not so many people get to celebrate their Diamond Weddings (that's 60 years to you grumppa)
sad for you Granny23.
I agree with Lona, I hope you can find some way of celebrating that you both enjoy. Perhaps he will come round in time flowers

Nonnie Wed 28-Oct-15 10:16:30

A friend of ours really didn't want a big celebration but her DH went ahead and did it anyway (he usually gets his own way) and I think she did actually enjoy it.

I think I would ask the DDs to arrange a 'surprise' which you 'don't know about' and then he will have to enjoy it because they did it all themselves.

Your DH sounds like a proper misery and won't be happy whatever you do or don't do so I think you should just do what you want and let him just get on with it.

If we make it through the next couple of years I intend to make the most of ours with the aim of making great memories for the whole family.

goose1964 Wed 28-Oct-15 11:02:47

my mother-in-law used to get seasick in a rowing boat but you try stopping her from going on a cruise. Summer in scandanavia is not much different to the UK & everyone I know who's been there raves about it

Greyduster Wed 28-Oct-15 11:17:37

Granny 23 we are in the same situation as you. It is our GW next July and neither DH nor I like a fuss (our wedding was so small as to be nearly non existent!), so a big bash was out. All our surviving friends - and there aren't that many - and DH's family, live two or three hours drive away from us, accommodating everyone would be a problem and I don't want people to go to the expense of hotels. Neither of us fancy a cruise (I won't go on any boat I can't fish over the side of!) so we have decided to take a house in West Wales, where we have spent so many lovely family holidays, large enough for our two children and their children to spend a week together in perfect harmony (as if! grin). Unfortunately, because of the school hols it won't be until August, so we still have to think of something to do to mark the day itself. I have some sympathy with your DH - you're either a party person or you aren't - but it is a special day for both of you, I hope you manage to find a compromise flowers.

grumppa Wed 28-Oct-15 11:33:31

I corrected sixty years to five decades in my second post, janeainsworth. You go on to imply that finding something both parties will enjoy requires him to come round in time. Surely there's a middle way which doesn't require him capitulating to DW and DDs, the poor outnumbered bloke?

John Knox, thou shouldst be living at this hour;
Husbands have need of thee.