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Golden Wedding

(45 Posts)
Granny23 Tue 27-Oct-15 23:12:23

So that's it settled then. DH has spoken. The DDs have been going on about our Golden Wedding (June 2016) for ages now and recently the pressure has stepped up as they say that in order to book a cruise for us or a venue for a big celebration they will have to start making arrangements soon. DH ruled out the cruise straight away because a) he felt sick and dizzy on the ferry from Oban to Barra this year b) the Mediterranean is full of refugees in collapsing boats, c) Scandinavian countries are too cold and everything else is too far away, d) Cruise ships are too big and he would get lost (this is probably true!) e) Our passports are out of date.

What about the BIG celebratory party? a) most of his friends are dead, b)he might not recognise some of our old friends c) all new friends are mine not his, d) he would be forced to wear his kilt, make a speech, dance and thereby 'make a show of himself'.

In addition, both of these options would involve spending a lot of money. He does not want the DDs to waste their money on us, nor waste our own money on something he would not enjoy.

OK - what would HE enjoy, what would HE like to do? After much thought, he decided that we had better do something and thought that he could 'treat' me + 2DDs + 3DGC to our tea in the local pub. This would be sensible as it did not require pre-planning or booking, hair cuts or new clothes and could be cancelled on the day if he did not feel up to going, or otherwise I could just go myself with the family as long as I was not gone too long.

AIBU to feel that 50 years of marriage deserves something special by way of celebration? AIBU to think that he might consider what I want for once? AIBU to consider putting him into respite care for a week and going on a cruise with my sister (who was my bridesmaid) shock

Nonnie Wed 28-Oct-15 12:17:48

grumppa any suggestions? There seem to be so many things her DH doesn't like, can you think of anything he might?

grumppa Wed 28-Oct-15 12:29:53

I would not presume to suggest solutions for a couple I don' t know. My advice to him from the perspective of another DH with a DW and DDs is to go with flow, or raise practical objections to everything they suggest until they come up with something he likes: he gets what he wants and they think they have got their way too. Devious, moi?

aggie Wed 28-Oct-15 12:44:01

Our Golden wedding was this month , I had booked a holiday with the local seniors club (we go for 5 days every year) OH won't go on these holidays at the best of times so I "forgot " our Anniversary and as it happens , he was in respite after a bad bout of his PD , and was home when I was away . Imagine my surprise when a huge bouquet was delivered to my room . I never imagined he would remember blush However it was all OK , he was glad there was no party and I was away with my Club so removed from any fuss . He is doing OK and we now have care helpers coming in

Nonnie Wed 28-Oct-15 13:28:07

grumppa it sounds like that is what he is doing already and being downright unhelpful. Don't you think that is rather selfish?

Gagagran Wed 28-Oct-15 13:51:27

It was our Golden Wedding this last July and although our DC offered to do a party for us we declined and we planned what we both preferred.

We had a weekend gathering of our DC and other halves and DGC at our home. On Saturday, we had a beach morning with a family cricket match, sea bathing and some fit fanatics cycled there and back. (Not me!) In the afternoon I had caterers in to provide a lovely buffet which we had from 4pm onwards and through the evening. We had a big multi-generational quiz (all my lot love quizzes) and lots of photos were taken. Some funny speeches, including from the DGC, and a bottle or two of fizz. Great fun, lots of love and laughter.

On Sunday we had a Sunday lunch at the local gastro pub for us all and then those with a long drive home left after a really lovely and happy time. It suited us all and surely that's what matters. Each to their own!

Granny23 Wed 28-Oct-15 14:01:46

Thank you for all your comments, commiserations and suggestions. Grummpa You and my DH feel the same way. His choice for his Birthday next month is to sit in his chair in front of the Telly watching old Midsommer Murders and be waited on hand and foot - same as every other day really except for the expected cake.

I am reminded of the other thread about holding grudges, having found all the old disappointments and current restrictions on my freedom to do as I please running in an endless loop through my brain. The winter blues have kicked in with a vengeance this past week.

My widowed sister gently reminds me that at least I still have my beloved. There will be no Golden Wedding for her nor for many of my friends (divorced or widowed). So better to resign myself to a quiet day at home so that at least one of us is happy. I suppose the overriding emotion is (has always been to make him happy. My small act of rebellion will be to refuse to cook. My reckoning is that I will have prepared 17,500 evening meals over 50 years.

Lona Wed 28-Oct-15 14:59:18

Granny23 flowers Just enjoy the day with your husband, as you said there are plenty of widows who would gladly change places with you. Don't let anything spoil it.

glassortwo Wed 28-Oct-15 15:17:14

granny23 enjoy your day whatever you end up doing.

Sounds like my other half thlhmm we have our Ruby and both our 60ths next year and we have had similar discussions, but I have just let it go and it will be whatever it is on the day.

grumppa Wed 28-Oct-15 15:17:34

Joke, Nonnie! But I don't see why he has to make all the concessions. My serious suggestions were to find a middle way or for him to go with the flow.

Grannie23, I do not think I necessarily feel like your DH. I am all for any excuse to get out and celebrate. I only joined in because all the posters were coming in on your side, and I thought there might be another point of view to be put. And there is a lot to be done by way of celebration between a cruise and watching Midsomer Murders repeats (give me repeats of Lewis any day).

I do hope the day goes well for both of you.

janeainsworth Wed 28-Oct-15 16:01:07

Grumppa My advice to him from the perspective of another DH with a DW and DDs is to go with flow, or raise practical objections to everything they suggest until they come up with something he likes

I've been there and sufferered that, and learned that the antidote is to offer limited options as, 'you can do a, b, or c. Which would you like?' where a,b and c are all options that appeal to the DW in question.

The limited options technique and can also be applied to other marital dilemmas such as choosing new soft furnishings, a new car, or even what he would like for dinner.

It works well with DGC too wink

G23 please don't give up just yet. Don't let the day be something that is only pleasing him - you deserve something better than that.

M0nica Thu 29-Oct-15 12:26:08

grumpa the point is that this gentleman has seen the whole event in terms of his wants and needs. There is no evidence that he has shown any concern for what his wife might like. If that was the case a compromise would already have been reached. If he is acting like this over the mutual celebration of 50 years of partnership then I suspect he has been acting like this for 50 years.

I suggest Granny23 that you go ahead with DH's idea of a tea party, which he can cancel on the day, then, do as you suggest, arrange respite care for your DH while you and your DDs go somewhere lovely together so that you can celebrate your 50 years of marriage with the lovely generous daughters that the marriage has given you. Your DDs must know what their father is like.

Eloethan Thu 29-Oct-15 16:54:29

Granny23 I can understand you being annoyed - particularly at the suggestion of a pub meal which he doesn't even guarantee he will attend (on that point, is he perhaps feeling unwell at the moment?).

Perhaps he genuinely doesn't want your family to go to great trouble and expense, but presumably they want to do something otherwise they wouldn't have offered. There's surely a happy balance between a pub meal and a cruise. I think gagagran's celebration sounded lovely.

I really feel you should tell him calmly how you feel about his apparent lack of interest and that you had hoped he would also want to do something special and memorable to celebrate your life together - perhaps he doesn't realise how hurtful he is being.

grumppa My understanding is that Granny23's husband vetoed all the suggestions made but came up with no other suggestions except for a pub meal.

Coolgran65 Thu 29-Oct-15 18:18:25

Go and have a lovely holiday without any feelings of guilt. Think of it as a reward for putting up with him for 50 years.

miaowroar Thu 29-Oct-15 20:14:05

I agree with MOnica and Coolgran - have the pub meal which he says he wouldn't mind (whether or not he decides to attend) and then arrange something YOU would like but don't try and persuade him to accompany you (or he will only sulk and spoil it anyway).

It surely shouldn't all be about what he would or wouldn't like - even though it sounds as though the last 50 years might have been about just that.

aggie Thu 29-Oct-15 21:54:54

well I enjoyed my break and he was happy to be home

Jomarie Thu 29-Oct-15 22:25:45

I agree totally with Monica's response. That is what I would call a good compromise and hopefully your DH will be happy with that too!!!! Have a lovely time I'm sure you will thoroughly enjoy yourself with your DD's and your DH will be really chuffed with himself that he 'let you go' grin

Purpledaffodil Fri 30-Oct-15 08:57:10

G23 are we in a bigamous marriage with your OH grin ?
I laughed so much reading your post because it is exactly what my
OH would say (apart from the kilt wearing) In fact I read it to him and he totally agreed with Mr G23! Our ruby wedding passed without mention, so that I organised a family dinner in a restaurant for our 45th, he did enjoy that grudgingly.
I think other posters have come up with some great ideas, but only you know how to best deal with the dear man. (Removes tongue from cheek emoticon)

Purpledaffodil Fri 30-Oct-15 09:03:42

Even better, I have just seen your post about his birthday celebration. Definitely the same man! Mr Purple's birthday choice yesterday was much the same, except his treat was to watch me scanning his old family photos so he could look at them on his iPad and bone on endlessly make interesting observations about them confused

Hunt Fri 30-Oct-15 09:46:23

We had a wonderful celebration with 48 friends and family for our Golden wedding. We renewed our vows with a lovely service, lunch in the village hall, a trip along the Oxford canal in four narrow boats decorated with golden balloons and golden wedding cake on the banks of the canal moored right out in the country. For our Diamond we and close family (21 in all) returned to the church where we were married, took photos in all the places where we had had photos taken on ''the day'', tea and cake in the Parish Rooms and back home to a fish and chip supper, all organised by DD! Two very different celebrations but both equally enjoyed by one and all.