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Estranged son's secret life

(16 Posts)
anonymous555 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:47:07

Hello everyone. I have been bottling my feelings up for a long time and don't know what to do.

Mine and DH's relationship with our only son has been strained for some time, he moved away from our rural hometown where most of the family live to a city two hours away, but refused to give us his address. He married in early 2014 and we were initially not invited, although eventually were after others in the family protested. However, we were sat far away from the couple and felt unwanted. We have not heard from them since and have no contact details for them, apart from an email address which is never answered.

In the summer, a friend of the family called and said she had spoken to him and met his new baby. A boy, around 12 weeks old. We had no idea DIL was pregnant and neither did anyone else in our family!

DH and I discussed this long into the night and the following day decided to visit DIL's parents house, where we assumed they would be staying. When we arrived there was a children's party in the garden and a strange man (seemed to be a server/staff) questioned why we were there. I said "I want to see my son, *****". He said "Mr [DIL's surname] is busy this afternoon, it's his daughter's birthday party". This man didn't believe that we were DS's parents and asked us to leave, it was very pompous for a child's party.

I am heartbroken that my only son would cut me out and pretend that I don't exist! He changed his surname to DIL's, like he is ashamed of us. He has TWO children (that we know about!!!) that he hasn't told the family about and we discovered the daughter is 4, so they kept her a secret from us at their wedding! How dare they keep our grandchildren from us. My father is ill and I think it is right for my son to know, but he obviously doesn't care. I don't understand what I have done to deserve this from my child.

Grannyknot Thu 29-Oct-15 17:33:46

Hello anonymous.

What a sorry state of affairs. As it is causing you such anguish, I wonder whether you shouldn't talk to a professional counsellor about it? They may be able to help you sort out your feelings.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer, it is a very difficult situation that has been going on for a long time.


Luckygirl Thu 29-Oct-15 17:49:21

How very painful for you that he has stepped away from you all and does not seem to want to be engaged with wider family life. It might be a good idea to seek some help for you to help you to live with this sadness.

Coolgran65 Thu 29-Oct-15 18:02:15

This is heartbreaking, so sad.
I would agree with Grannyknot regarding counselling.
I reckon if you cannot change the situation, you can try and change how you react to it.
If it was me .... I'd try counselling to help me cope and to live my life as best as possible.
Perhaps one day it will all be explained but in the meantime counselling might help it all be set to the side while you live life.

Coolgran65 Thu 29-Oct-15 18:03:07

Also agree with Luckygirl.

Envious Thu 29-Oct-15 18:04:02

Since you felt comfortable enough to go to the DIL's parents would it be wrong to get in touch through phone or letter asking them how your son and daughter in law are doing? Asking about everyone's well being doesn't seem wrong to me.

harrigran Thu 29-Oct-15 18:09:42

A sad situation for you but you can not force family to keep in contact with you. I think the best thing would be for you to get help and sort out your emotions.

Kbb8926 Fri 30-Oct-15 10:09:09

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Kbb8926 Fri 30-Oct-15 10:10:39

^ spelling sorry, just far to angry at people that waste everyone's time

Smileless2012 Fri 30-Oct-15 16:28:01


Sadly you are not alone, there are many parents who've been cut out of their children's lives. If you wish, you can talk to some of us on a thread in the Relationships forum entitled 'family members cut out of loved ones lives'. We have no answers just our care and support to give.

You say your son has changed his name to that of his wife's maiden name. Before they were married when everything was how it used to be, or at least I thought it was, our estranged son came to me and told me he was thinking of changing his surname to her's. I remember howshockI was. When I asked him how he thought his dad would feel he said we had another son to carry on the family name and as his f.i.l. only had one daughter and no brothers, his would end with him.

Thought at the time it was weird, had no idea at that time just how weird and awful things would become. He didn't do so at that time and I don't think he has done since which, not wanting anything to do with us is really weird as you'd think he would want to change his namehmm.

MargaretX Fri 30-Oct-15 16:47:38

I think there are two things here. Changing the name is quite common now, as is the man taking his wife's name. Its just a name! Many countries in Europe have man and wife with different names.

More serious is not wanting contact. He obviously finds life easier being just with his wife's family and we don't know his reasons for that. He is probably under pressure from her, loves her so much he does everything she says. Anything for a quite life! There are many men like that.

Your hope must be that this situation will change, nothing in family life is constant and as the children grow older and his wife's behaviour becomes more controlling, he may alter. Keep in touch. Send cards so that he knows you have the same address and phone number.
keep up with GN.

petra Fri 30-Oct-15 17:10:42

This is a troll. Go onto Mumsnet and read all 13 pages. Mumsnet have stopped the thread. He/she starts to unravel after a while.

Ana Fri 30-Oct-15 17:13:30

He/she may not be back if they'd read Kbb8926's post anyway.

loopylou Fri 30-Oct-15 17:16:21

You beat me to it Petra. OP started a 2nd one on MN that was shut down pdq too; definitely a troll.

rosequartz Fri 30-Oct-15 19:29:34

GN deleted the post by Kbb8926 that pointed out that this could be a troll!! But left the thread as it is.

Cari, Cari, are you there?

rosequartz Fri 30-Oct-15 19:31:27

Anyway, I don't think it is so unusual for a man to change his surname to his wife's in this day and age, especially if it means a family surname dying out because the male line has ended.
It seems quite old-fashioned when you think about it, for a woman to have to change her name to his.

Perhaps we should start another thread about that hmm