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(30 Posts)
Dara Sat 07-Nov-15 13:38:08

Had a breakdown in 2009 and is not the lovely man I married. What do I do about this please?

stillhere Sat 07-Nov-15 13:41:49

No idea I'm afraid - but mine had one early this summer and it is rather worrying me, too! My next-door neighbours had one the previous month, she was saying, if only she could have him smile the way he used to. Mine smiles, but not often.

Luckygirl Sat 07-Nov-15 13:43:11

Off to the doc? He must be feeling awful poor chap.

Dara Sat 07-Nov-15 13:52:27

He is not feeling awful he is on uppers!

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 07-Nov-15 13:55:58

I guess it depends upon how you look upon marriage vows. For better or for worse? Only you know what that means to you. It also depends, of course, upon how much you love him.

Alea Sat 07-Nov-15 14:24:11

How has it been since 2009?
Have things changed significantly suddenly?

Sadly, illness, whether mental or physical, often means they are "not the last very man we married", but that can also work the other way.

petra Sat 07-Nov-15 14:46:23

When you say he is not the (lovely) man you married, I assume he's not so lovely anymore ? In what way is he not 'lovely'?

stillhere Sat 07-Nov-15 15:08:21

I suppose he must have had a change of personality, at the very least. Irritability and unpredictability maybe?

soontobe Sat 07-Nov-15 17:25:30

How do you feel?

vampirequeen Sat 07-Nov-15 17:25:55

Can you give us more details? Are his 'uppers' taking him too far up? Are they making him manic? I can be mindbogglingly annoying when I'm in Peter Pan mode (manic) because I whizz around starting lots of things but finishing nothing. I spend money we don't have and I'm so certain that no matter how bad things are everything will be OK. Peter Pan is great for me and hell for DH.

ninathenana Sat 07-Nov-15 17:31:09

Well expressed vq flowers

stillhere Sat 07-Nov-15 19:56:23

I hadn't thought of that, VQ. I do hope DBH doesn't end up like that, he's not good with money at the best of times. On balance though, I think I would prefer mania to apathy. Isn't there a medication that can balance things out, VQ? I do feel that DBH is scared to try out new medications that are suggested to him.

annsixty Sat 07-Nov-15 20:39:52

I can relate to these feelings but as it is not their fault, I feel it is "a cross we have to bear". It would be too awful to blame them for something over which they have no control. However I speak from an age of late 70's for both of us and many years of marriage. I can understand how hard it must be for younger people.What I really long for is an adult conversation with sensible opinions.

vampirequeen Mon 09-Nov-15 13:25:11

Stillhere....perhaps his meds are not balanced properly. Sometimes it takes a while to get the mix right. Even then there will be up and down times but they tend to be less often. How apathetic is he? Does he get out of bed, get dressed etc without encouragement? Is he functioning or shut down? Has he seen a psychiatrist and had a proper diagnosis? I was initially diagnosed by my GP as having depression but it turned out to be far more complex than that.

annsixty....not sure how you meant your comments. I agree it's not our fault but we are not 'a cross to bear'.

Alea Mon 09-Nov-15 13:27:41

Oh dear, another of those "pebble in a pool" threads, where somebody makes a statement or asks a question and then buggers off ignores comments, requests for background or even advice hmm

stillhere Mon 09-Nov-15 14:04:23

Not strictly so, actually Alea, she messaged me a few times. I think she just needed to get it off her chest, I know I vent on here when I get frustrated, then occasionally regret it. Oh for a 'delete' button.

VQ he seems much better, no longer apathetic, but yes just needs to sort out his meds so that he can sleep and doesn't get so agitated, and also has some more energy. He will be back from a break with his DPs later this week, as next week he starts CBT. They believe he wasn't ready for it until now - I take that as code for, he was in denial that he needed it, until now.

annsixty Mon 09-Nov-15 14:56:02

vq re my comment,I said it is a cross we have to bear,not we are a cross to bear, which is my clumsy way of saying we
have to deal with it.I also said it is not their fault that they are the way they are, not our fault. I feel completely misunderstood.

vampirequeen Mon 09-Nov-15 19:02:44

Ah I understand, mh issues are a cross that I have to bear. I thought I may have misunderstood which is why I asked.

Two reasons they might have put off the CBT for a while. They may have had to wait until he was ready but also there would have been a whacking waiting list.

CBT can be very effective but also difficult to do so don't be surprised if his mood fluctuates whilst he's doing it.

downtoearth Mon 09-Nov-15 20:00:42

mine is having a breakdown at the moment,he has been behaving totally out of character,is very shut down and flat ,but functioning on the work front,medication has only just started 2 weeks ago,he has been becoming unwell for a few months.

vampirequeen Mon 09-Nov-15 20:06:50

He'll be using all his energy to function normally at work. The meds should start to kick in soon.

downtoearth Mon 09-Nov-15 20:21:51

thanks vq he has been in denial and running away from himself by going out,staying out,it has been a testing time,I am being supportive,and keeping my distance not to smother him he cannot deal with closeness and cuddles,we have always been that way,this has come as a total shock to both of us,he is hurtful with his comments and coldness,I hope he can find his way back,I just walk on eggshells.

annsixty Mon 09-Nov-15 20:51:56

Just step back dte and be there if he wants company, he will appreciate his space and will come back when he is ready. But don't give him too long, you will know if he is going to change or if you are giving him too much of yourself.

downtoearth Mon 09-Nov-15 21:22:37

I am ann but making sure I have a life away from the home as well,I am building friendships and making a social life for myself..xx

vampirequeen Mon 09-Nov-15 21:26:43

It's hard to come to terms with having a mh condition as so many people still perceive it to be a weakness of character rather than a genuine illness.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been told to pull myself together, had people tell me how they were depressed but just 'worked their way out of it' or that I should just think 'happy thoughts'. People who should know better (family) think I should 'snap out of it' or 'stop giving in to it' as if I have a choice. Someone asked me if I liked being miserable and then was taken aback when I asked her if she liked having migraines. Apparently it's not the same thing because when she's having a migraine she's in real pain.

I think men have it even harder. They're not supposed to show emotion and are supposed to be the 'strong' one so when they start to be ill they blame themselves and try to hide it. They often don't talk about it until they breakdown then they see themselves as weak. Also as you become ill your thought patterns become more and more warped. I was consumed by guilt because I felt I was letting so many people down. In fact I felt guilty about everything and anything. I swear I could have given a convincing argument as to why I was responsible for the horrors of WWII even though it ended 15 years before I was born. That's how warped thinking gets to you. It sounds like your husband is isolating himself. A lot of us do that. Depression is an insidious illness that can turn you into your own worst enemy hence you cut yourself off from people just when you need them the most.

I know this doesn't help you but it may give you an insight into the sort of thing that's going on inside his head although everyone is different and his warped thinking won't be the exactly the same as mine.

Has he had a proper diagnosis? It's really important to be referred to a mh specialist rather than simply accept a GP diagnosis. I'm not disrespecting GPs...mine is brilliant but she's the first to admit that mh issues are complex and she's not an expert.

downtoearth Mon 09-Nov-15 21:42:16

I have suffered with depression for most of my life and have many types of anti depressant over the years but now am on beta blockers and anti depressant all the time to keep on an even keel.I have been looking into mens depression over the last few weeks and understand that the way they react to it is totally different which is why I am staying in the background and looking for ways to support him but it is so hard not to take it personally and question the very basics of the relationship,I thought I was a strong person and I have dealt with many blows in my life and battled on,the lashing out verbally is really painful xx