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not to 'endorse' an underage pissup?

(46 Posts)
thatbags Tue 12-Jan-16 19:04:58

Minibags (15) has been invited to the birthday sleepover of a friend who will be sixteen. Friend's mother has asked me to send her a text acknowledging that the fifteen and sixteen year olds will be supplied with alcoholic drinks. I'm pretty sure that some of them fully intend to get drunk. I don't feel I can send that text even though Minibags has never even tried a sip of any alcoholic drink DH and I might be having–peer group pressure (and drunken peer group pressure at that!) and all that. It's not that I don't trust her, more that I don't feel comfortable putting her in that position. Nor do I feel comfortable being put in the position I've been put in by friend's mother!

Sometimes I hate being a parent.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 12-Jan-16 19:09:00

You are not being at all unreasonable. It's crazy!

How does Mini-Bags feel about it? (Not that it makes any difference of course)

Iam64 Tue 12-Jan-16 19:20:45

bags, what a disgraceful way for the mother of the birthday sleepover child to send to other parents.

When ours were the age of mini bags, I was seen as a harridan for refusing to agree that mine could drink alcohol at the homes of their pals but worse, for absolutely refusing to allow my 15 year old to have "alcopops" (all the go 15 years ago) at her 15th.

I find it hard to believe that any responsible parent would put other parents in the position of normalising under age drinking. If they were going out for a meal I may just about agree to one alcoholic drink but the notion of a group of 15 year olds, being given the go ahead to drink alcohol at a sleep over beggars belief.

We took our 15 year old and a group of her friends to the cinema at our local shopping mal (it was very trendy years ago). We delivered the 6 safely, bought the tickets and abandoned them at the door, planning to collect 3 hours later. An hour later, another friend who'd luckily been picking up her own daughters phone me. She'd found one of our 6 unconscious outside the cinema. She and another girl had slipped out of the cinema, persuaded a man to buy them a bottle of vodka, which she'd proceeded to knock back. She was in hospital overnight and I had the job of phoning her parents to tell them how ill she was. Luckily, she made a full recovery and the other parents didn't blame us for their daughter's behaviour.

Cautionary tale I think. Best of luck with your conundrum

kittylester Tue 12-Jan-16 19:29:30

When DD2 was about the same age we, and a couple of other parents, refused permission for our children to go to a party held by some trendy parents who accused us of being old fuddy duddies. The party was held in their 'rumpus room' over their garage. They were woken at 3 am by hysterical teenagers as they were unable to rouse one of the guests who was taken to hospital with alcohol poisoning.

The pressures of parenting are never ending when you have a teenager in the family!

trisher Tue 12-Jan-16 19:29:37

I'd ask her to send you an assurance that if she is offering alcohol to young people she will 1. carefully monitor how much each child drinks. 2.accept full responsibility if anything goes wrong and a child has too much to drink 3.guarantee that she will personally take any child to hospital who has drunk too much
Send her this link!

She sounds a bit silly and like someone who wants her child to think she is 'cool'

merlotgran Tue 12-Jan-16 19:31:29

Sounds like the friend's mother is passing the buck. She doesn't want to be wholly responsible for any problems caused by underage drinking so she wants parents to acknowledge that they could happen.

I would be unhappy about a child going to a party where drinking could get out of hand (and it probably will) It's a difficult age because they're not old enough to cope with situations that can get out of hand. We once had to rescue DD1 from a party where the adults sat around quite happily watching the kids getting legless and it scared her.

I wonder if the mother has really thought about the consequences?

TerriBull Tue 12-Jan-16 19:32:18

Not at all. I think it's a bit much when the parents of a 16 year old are supplying their child's friends with alcohol and expecting the other parents to text an acknowledgement, pressurising them to give a tacit approval, covering themselves in a way, but putting you in a very difficult position. I'm not sure how many 15/16 year olds would have acquired the sense to have one or two drinks and stop right there. Many years ago when one of my sons went to a party/sleepover around the same age, friend's parent let them all drink and some spent the early hours of the morning throwing up which can be dangerous. Do you know the parents?

Elrel Tue 12-Jan-16 20:16:14

I agree with Merlotgran, the mother is failing to take responsibility for teenagers drinking in her home.
Also agree with Trisher that she's trying to be cool mummy.
Other thoughts: how many guests? Might gatecrashers be a problem?

Elrel Tue 12-Jan-16 20:18:46

I've just noticed it's a sleepover. Maybe it's a single glass of something fizzy (which they may well dislike) with the birthday cake.
Or will extra bottles be smuggled in by guests?

Ana Tue 12-Jan-16 20:27:58

'Fifteen and sixteen year olds will be supplied with alcoholic drinks'. That doesn't suggest just one supervised glass of bubbly to me!

Alima Tue 12-Jan-16 20:36:26

Peer pressure is bad enough at that age. Add to that irresponsible adult pressure and it could end in disaster. What a silly woman!

Jalima Tue 12-Jan-16 20:45:28


HildaW Tue 12-Jan-16 21:15:39

Reminded me of the time 8 year old daughter was invited to a party that would include a video which I knew she would not enjoy was The Mummy which was fine for robust 12 year olds but not DD. I stuck to my guns and told host she would not want to see it.....after a bit of a hoo ha the Mum put one video on in one room and another in another room ......turned out most of the children ended up watching the much less scary one!!!

Stand by your guns....we are supposed to be the grown-ups and with that comes responsibility.

M0nica Tue 12-Jan-16 22:00:34

DD at 16 won tickets to a pop festival at an outdoor location. The company giving her and her friend the tickets were a beer brand and the tickets included entry into the (free) beer tent.

When told about it I and the other mother both said NO! and withstood the tantrums and shouting that ensued. That is what being a responsible parent is all about.

Deedaa Tue 12-Jan-16 22:09:49

When I was sixteen the most I could drink on a night out was three babychams, which was all I could afford! How times change! In a case like this I would expect a VERY weak drink, possibly a fruit punch that's had a bottle of wine waved over it, and VERY close adult supervision.

When DD was in her 2nd year at university they had a party and one girl ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning. She was a muslim who had never drunk alcohol before! Unfortunately this incident meant that her parents found out that she was sharing a house with some boys, so the proverbial hit the fan from several directions!

hummingbird Tue 12-Jan-16 22:12:36

You are definitely not being unreasonable, Bags! Although I suppose it's better than just going ahead and giving them drink without any discussion! I have a child of this age, and I think my response might be that I cannot speak for anyone else, but I do not want my daughter to have alcohol, and I would ask her to assure me that she will respect my wishes. It sounds like minibags wouldn't mind this? Who gives alcohol to 15 year olds??? Good lucksmile

Lona Tue 12-Jan-16 22:28:07

YANBU bags, as minibags is only 15, she may well feel relieved if you refuse to let her go. Peer pressure is a dangerous thing and it takes a strong minded child to stand up for themselves. Only you know if she is that strong girl.
Good luck!

annodomini Tue 12-Jan-16 22:36:37

Have you spoken to any other parents whose children might have been invited to this sleepover? You probably aren't the only one having serious misgivings.

Luckygirl Tue 12-Jan-16 22:38:59

I think Lona is right - you are not being unreasonable at all and minibags may go through the motions of being put out if she is not allowed to go/drink, but inside may be happy that someone who cares for her is prepared to stand up and protect her.

I can remeber a party of my brother's that got totally out of hand and he and I were quite frightened.

What is this desire to get pissed and be sick?!

harrigran Tue 12-Jan-16 23:10:07

YANBU. I would be disgusted if a mother rang and informed me that alcohol was going to be served and I would probably turn down the invitation to the party. I don't think a 15 year old needs that kind of peer pressure.

Nelliemoser Tue 12-Jan-16 23:51:10

It sounds very dodgy legally to supply "children" with alcohol.
I wonder if a child became unwell the suppliers in whose house the party was could somehow be prosecuted.
I would seek legal advice.

Quite apart from the legal issues I think this is very wrong for so many reasons.

Nelliemoser Tue 12-Jan-16 23:58:53

This might not be thought a proper comment but Scotland as a country has long had big issues with alcohol consumption.

janeainsworth Wed 13-Jan-16 00:21:47

YANBU bags. The implication is that the 15 year olds will be expected to drink alcohol, otherwise why go through this apparent consent procedure.
I think Minibags will be very grateful if you say she can't go.
15 year olds generally don't have the social skills to politely refuse when under pressure, nor the experience to know when they've had enough to drink. The fact that it's a sleepover makes it worse - if she's not happy in that situation, it's a long time till you come and pick her up in the morning.

WilmaKnickersfit Wed 13-Jan-16 01:14:11

Apart from agreeing with all that's been said, I'd be a bit concerned about the girl having the sleep over. If her parents think it's acceptable to drink when they're around, there's always the possibility of the girl passing more alcohol around once the lights are out, like an alcoholic midnight feast. You never know.

absent Wed 13-Jan-16 05:07:11

I have absolutely no problem with a 16-year-old having a small glass of wine or a larger glass of diluted wine with a family meal. I'm equally okay with a little fizz at Christmas, New Year's Eve or a birthday. I would, however, check with absentdaughter before serving them. (Just for the record, my oldest grandchild will be 14 next week so I won't be going there on Tuesday.)

I would draw the line at serving alcoholic drinks at a birthday party for a group of 15- and 16-year olds, not least because I would have no idea of their previous experience with alcoholic drinks and also because it would be difficult to police how much they were imbibing. They would have no idea of how much is too much – and at their age quite a small amount is too much.

This woman sounds to me that she is one of those who wants to be her child's best friend rather than her mother. Best avoided in my opinion. I suspect that Minibags, who sounds like a thoughtful and sensible girl in most ways, judging by this and previous posts, would agree.