Phone accident.

All virtual hugs very welcome, I've sat here on my own all day watching tele, trying to take my mind off it but needing a hug. X

Oh ruby I do feel for you and I'm sorry that your results are yet another blow for you. Keep your chin up love, it won't last forever.

Hi, thank you all so much for your welcome advice, it really does mean a lot as you all are the only people I can turn to.

No, there is no family to help. I asked them for years to help me and got nowhere so hence cutting them out of my life. It has been extremely hard and my siblings and daughter all work with the youth of today and yet not so much as a phone call to help so no, I paddle my canoe alone.

His father was a complete waste of space as far as parenting was concerned. If he was a good father, then he wouldn't have hit the mother of his children, he would have put time in and worked hard at our marriage and spending time with his children. Instead he prefered to do anything but spend time with them. Hence the divorce.

The door didn't get broke, he kept slamming it and the handle is a little dicky now but no wood or frame broke.

The situation has calmed down a bit now, thank goodness. I know these years are tough, for both teens and parents (I have done it once and that was hard too but I had a partner then to help me through), I just feel that I want a quiet life and so these last few months of him being at home are going to be a struggle emotion wise. We are both at different times, he is hormonal due to not releasing his testosterone (he started at the gym but then give up, he's a geek, not a sports person) and I am hormonal due the menopause being round the corner. Not an easy combination.

Anyway, talking of which, I got results back from my colposcopy, they found pre cancerous cells, so, even though it can be sorted, I still feel like I could really do without it. I must have done something bad in a former life for me to keep being tested in these ways.

Quote from Mother Teresa "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle - I just wish he didn't trust me so much!"

I have read both threads rubylady which sound equally desperate and I am starting with the recent damaged phone incident and your son's extreme reaction to your reluctance to claim against household insurance.

Having seen the casual way my teenage grandchildren use their phones, including dropping them, they seem to withstand some pretty rough treatment. If your son is telling the truth and it was his own fault, he was probably angry with himself mostly but took his frustration out on you.

If it was a deliberate act (upgrade?), then he is angry that his plan to manipulate failed and with you for not complying with his expectations.

If it was damaged by a third party, subjected to bullying or other threat of violence, that could also account for an extreme reaction based on fear. Fear is often not far beneath the surface of anger.

On a practical level, I wondered if you had checked the insurance as to whether the phone is covered by the policy. If it is not covered, then it is ruled out as a bone of contention anyway.

If it is covered, claiming against the insurance could be a small price to pay towards not only restoring some equilibrium but an opportunity to change the basis of your relationship. The proviso is that he must fund the insurance premiums for a replacement phone.

Hear me out on the next bit which relates to the other post.

If your son is planning to go to University, would he not be leaving your home anyway? It is a huge step, even for confident young people. It would not be surprising to find that underneath all the bravado and anger he is fearful about his future and how he will cope.

Would that give you an opening to talk about the here and now and what you can do together in the coming months to prepare him for living independently? For example, budgeting on a student income, cooking, shopping etc.

Hopefully, he will view your interest as a positive one and for his benefit. Of course the opposite might be true i.e. that he can't wait to live independently. Whichever it is, he will still need your ongoing support and encouragement.

Whilst I would like to end on a positive note, if you do have reason to fear for your safety, there are few alternatives but to contact the emergency services. In my experience it is the last resort for most parents.

I really hope that all goes well for you and apologies if I have misunderstood your situation.

Oh yes, I see what you mean

I agree Ana, but I got the impression that some posters were not aware of the other thread. Ruby's later posts on there give background information that might make a difference to replies on this thread.

That's a thought, trisher

The Changing Locks thread was started 10 minutes after this one, so all part of the same problem.

Yes indeed petra

I think posters should know that ruby started another thread as things have moved on

Changing locks

Re how the phone was broken, given his past history are you not worried that the bullying is still going on and that his phone was taken from him and deliberately smashed? Maybe he is a frightened young man as well?

A phrase that springs to mind which I used eventually on DD (who used to ask but in the sweetest possible way if I could bale her out on many occasions) was 'Just What Part of NO Don't You Understand?'.
There does come a point where you think 'enough is enough', I am not sure that at 18 I thought that. However, if any of them had behaved in the atrocious way your DS has behaved then I wouldn't be inclined to give in.
He needs to apologise properly, understand that his behaviour is not acceptable in any way and start behaving with more respect towards you.

You sound as if you have had an extremely close relationship, more so than many mothers and sons with no father figure to show him the way to behave towards his mother; perhaps he is fighting that relationship now, fighting for his independence, but is unable to loosen the apron strings in a reasoned, grownup manner.

And another poster has a point - is a mobile phone covered by household insurance?

KatyK. Except for the baby, that was me. Sorry to say but I've no sympathy.
At least he has had one loving parent all his life.

You are having to deal with this on your own, but is there not another family member who could have a word with your son and point out his selfishness? You are too close emotionally I fear to be calm and objective and he also has to see that it is not just your opinion that he is out of line, but generally unacceptable.

Well I was married with a baby at 19. I had no guidance from my parents. My father was a violent alcoholic who made our lives a misery. No one pandered to my every whim. I had to look after myself. Despite everything I had to deal with, I would never have treated my parents they way ruby's son appears to treat her.

Phone providers would not sell insurance if anybody and everybody claimed on their house insurance. DH insists our very expensive house insurance is not for the accidental damage to smart phones and ipads.
DS has just had his electrics wiped out by a lightning strike and everything electrical in the house has to be replaced. There is also DS's astronomical equipment, in his observatory, the delicate computer controls fried.
I think you may have allowed your son to treat you in a less than respectful manner in the past and now he thinks he can call the shots. I am not sure that there is any easy answer to this.

And, I meant to add, look after your own health. If you don't nobody else will.

rubylady, I know, from your previous posts, that this isn't an isolated, or even unpredictable, incident. You might have made a rod for your own back, to some extent, but that can't excuse your son's behaviour towards you and this is the time to put your foot firmly down and tell him that the 'bank of mum' has shut up shop, or he will continue to take you for granted.

I can't comment on what the OP should do, but I seriously doubt the phone will be covered by household insurance.

I lost my phone and I was told it could not be covered, as my policy only coverered phones if specifically mentioned in the policy, which would have gone up in price accordingly.

I have since learnt this is normal.

Perhaps treating him as an adult might help?

Sorry ww I think RL should make everything as better as she can. Poor kid is not a happy bunny. He's too young to handle it all. And I think he's got a lot to handle.

merlot that's crazy.

stiesthoughts.com/stiesthoughts/2014/5/7/55zvwekavna2c2md9q5j4ezya55j8q

This is a bit lengthy, but if the link works contains some clear thinking about surviving their teenage years

Tough love is about care and support. It certainly isnt about cutting him off.

When my son was at university and during one of his holidays he got somewhat inebriated with some friends - went on the beach and played cricket with a piece of driftwood and pebbles as the ball. The inevitable happened and a large window was smashed in a seafront cafe. He stupidly gave a false name and address to the police. Anyway the upshot was that I eventually found out what had happened and I insisted that he contact the cafe and grovel and offer to pay for the replacement. He didn't exactly love me for the stance I took, but trooper along and did the right thing. The cafe owners accepted his apology, and said no cost as it has come out of the insurance. So all's well that ends well. A good lesson learned.

I don't think it is ever helpful to think about our childhood and compare it with the lives of children today. Times change and the stresses of today are very different but possibly greater in some ways. You could do the tough love bit and cut him off, or you could go down the other route and do as he asks with the assertion that you are not doing this because he has shouted and raged but because you love him and you will always support and care for him. You have been hurt and damaged, he has been hurt and damaged, he is taking his hurt out on you. Is the cost of any insurance increase or the price of a mobile phone worth losing him for? I do think his actual age is a bit of a red herring, he sounds as if he is still going through adolescence and it will probably pay dividends to continue to support and love him.