Phone accident.

I think he will still need your support if not your physical presence for quite a long time yet.

Personally, I think giving him an ultimatum and a deadline to move out, however unreasonable his behaviour, could exacerbate the situation; he is uncertain and anxious.
You could move on with your life as well as having him living at home, there is no reason why not - you just need to lay down the ground rules firmly without getting angry, and one of them is to expect reasonable behaviour from him and you will not lose your temper with him when he tries your patience.

Difficult, but I hope achievable if you don't want to lose him for ever.

Yes I've thought of you and your son ruby lady. I remember when my youngest was almost 18 and doing A levels and I was coming to the end of the menopause. She was the easiest of my children temperamentally and we rarely had a cross word, simply no need for it. But there was a brief period when feathers could fly and I remember apologising to her one day for having over reacted to some incident, shouted etc, that I felt the issue was she was loaded with hormones whilst my own stock of hormones was becoming vanishingly rare.
I do hope things are easier, for both of you.

How are things looking today, rubylady? I hope tempers have cooled a bit and you and your son are speaking again!?

Rubylady there are so many issues here! Not least the issues you went through as a family and the fallout all that leaves in it's wake.
Your son witnessed his fathers actions and perhaps he now sees himself in a similar situation so he is reacting in the only way he knows by lashing out.
As an adult you are looking forward to a new life but perhaps in talking about it you may have inadvertently told him that he will then be on his own because he is not included. He is probably looking forward to going away to uni but mixed with all the excitement there will be a huge measure of fear and trepidation whether he knows it or not. He does not know how he is going to cope or whether he will manage all the different situations in which he is going to find himself whatever they may be. It is certainly 'the big unknown' and there is no place like home.
Have you thought that you are about to push him out of the door while pulling the rug out from under his feet at the same time? Could that be why he is acting as he is?
The phone could well be just another part of this in that it is his connection to you wherever he is - hence the panic. Yes, there may be something in all the other scenarios painted about deliberate damage, fancied upgrade etc but then perhaps not.
It is a pity that you don't eat your main meal together as that always gives precious time to talk things through, keep up to date and assure each other that you care.
You need to sit down and talk together about how you both see things working out. Your son needs to know that you will be there for him and will help him as best you can even if just as a sounding board. He needs to know how this will look like to him and that he doesn't need to be violent to get your attention.
The violence may just be his way of trying to control the runaway train that is his life at the moment. Perhaps he is going to push you away so that you can't do it to him, the basis for that being fear.
I can remember saying to my own DS once that "I will always love you but at the moment I don't like you very much because of the way you are behaving" and it did make him stop and think.
Your job is to send him out into the world functioning as the best person he can be and knowing that there is a loving home there for him if and when he needs it where respect is due and the rules are your rules.

I hope things work out well for you both.

Xd posts Trisher or "great minds think alike"

Just occurred to me your son may think he is going to Uni in September but any offers he currently holds will be dependant upon his exam results in the summer- so it is by no means certain. I wonder why you are setting dates when there is still a level of uncertainty about this?

Perhaps that old saying "Familiarity breeds contempt" applies here? I sounds to me (and I apologise if I am getting the wrong end of the stick) as if with being a single parent, home schooling , your own break up with your family, etc, you spend a lot of time thrown together. You need to have more independent lives, as your son is not a child, he is a young man who needs to be making his own life, but without being deprived of the security of home.
You have devoted your life to his well being and perhaps you too need to move on but not blame your son for holding you back. You do not enjoy good health, and for that you have my sympathy, but again you are young enough to have your own interests. Such a close relationship can become suffocating for both sides and naturally tempers flare.
How far from home is the university he plans to go to? Does he have a firm place or at least an offer he stands a good chance of achieving? If this is still up in the air, does he have a Plan B in the event of disappointing A levels? Bear in mind his results won't be through until mid-late August, that could be a considerable strain and where would he live if you stick to your threat to turn him out at the end of July? His exams should be over by June, by the way, A level students do not usually stay on until the end of the school year.
Sorry if I sound nosey, just wondering if you and he have thought through all the aspects of this situation.

Surprise surprise an 18 year old boy with multiple problems doesn't make healthy eating choices- most 18year olds don't. I am totally confused about the goals and life choices your son has/is making. He was out of school. has done a catering course and is now applying to University and he is still only 18. I have sons who did various things including dropping out of school and their uni entrance was delayed because of what happened. I don't know how your son has managed everything. You should perhaps be a bit more appreciative of the fact that he has managed to progress in spite of the events that must have disrupted his early life.

I agree that yp0ou could be making your new life even if he is still living with you; you say he does some of his own cooking (could you not take it in turns to cook for each other, say once a week?), presumably has his own key so can come and go as he pleases, so what's to stop you being out and doing other things, meeting new people etc?

It would also mean you're not 'in each other's hair' and presumably getting on each other's nerves!

I don't mean neglect him - you can still take an interest in his plans but take a step back now he is nearly 18 and start making your new life now. Surely you won't cut him off completely once he starts university? He will come and go and so will you, two adults who perhaps meet at mealtimes for a catchup.

OMG! I am so ashamed. Not.

Unkind jbf. Wilma was being kind and supportive.

[fdt] finger down throat.

I hate soppy pictures.

Rubylady, if you don't mind me asking, what does your planned new life consist of? Why is having him at home stop you doing it?

I suppose you wouldn't consider going to the doc and asking for some help with your pmt? It could be very helpful.

It doesn't ring a bell with me, sorry but it does make sense. My son does his own food mainly (I do make him some meals, depends on what we both want/how I am feeling healthwise) so he can eat badly really but he has been to catering college, I taught him food groups and healthy eating, every week I ask him what he wants on the food order but he doesn't make healthy choices.

I do think it's a case of us both wanting to start our new lives. When my daughter went 10 years ago, I still came home and was a mum to my son. This time I will be able to move on and start my own life, which most of the time now grates on me that I am holding fire to start. So I do know that I am hard to live with too at the moment. Maybe sometimes I portray myself as a perfect mum and, of course, I am not. I was probably harsh, according to him. I was due to start a period, abrupt and forceful so he would see things differently to me. Anyway, it crops up from time to time, maybe around period time, I'll have to keep an eye on it. I've always been bad with PMT. Not excusing his behaviour, and he does have to learn but then so do I.

Thanks again Xxx.

Deeda now you've mentioned it, I think I saw that series. If it's the one I'm thinking about, the professional was a male psychiatrist or psychologist. The series followed 3 teenagers who were about to go excluded from school because of their behaviour. He tackled the problem from 3 angles - diet was one and the boy had to follow quite a strick diet that was based around 3 meals a day that would keep his blood sugar levels steady, reducing mood swings. I think education was another and he had to do his homework with support. I can't remember what the 3rd thing was, exercise maybe because I think the boy joined in with some lads playing football in the park. At the end of the 'treatment' time the boy's behaviour was much better and the relationship between the boy and his mother was settling down. Does this ring a bell?

Don't worry about the colposcopy. I had dodgy cell treated 30 years ago and no trouble since.

I have been reminded of a TV show some years ago about violent children. There was one boy who was treating his mother very badly. His problem was that he knew he shouldn't be doing it but at the same time felt that she shouldn't be letting him do it. He knew his father had treated her badly and that he should be the man of the house now and look after her but that just made him feel more guilty and behave worse. It took professional help to sort him out and I'm not sure where you could begin on your own. Perhaps University will be the answer.

Jinglebells Yes, what does that mean???

Thank you Wilma X

"bashed in the living room door" "wished I wa dead" says it all. You did more than enough letting him use your ohone to contact the company after that kind of behaviour!

Me neither.........my mind,s boggling!!!!

jings I don't know what your last post means (tried Googling)

I wonder if his phone might be covered by another source; my bank account has a few extra bits, which I ppay for and mobile phone insurance is one of those things. Otherwise, I would not replace the phone. Not with insurance, not with money. There is nothing to stop him getting a job and paying for one himself, godnoes they are cheap enough in Tesco.

When my children were growing up I made one thing abundantly clear: I will support you as best I can through all education. I will not support you you stay at home and do nothing. No work = no food and no roof over your head.

They understood. One left home at 16. The other two now live with their father who allows them to sit about and do *ugger all. I think he is insane, but then this is the same man who abandoned all 4 of us in the middle of nowhere in France with no warning and then went on the missing list for 14 years, paying nothing towards his children.

[fdt]

Here you go ruby, gentle {{{HUG}}}

Sorry, thank you Lona.