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Not sure what to say re loan repayment....

(66 Posts)
Helski Tue 10-May-16 13:02:35

So about three years ago, my husband and I leant our daughter and her new husband £40,000 so that they could put a deposit down on a house. They have paid us back without fail each month and this month the final payment was made. I am very proud of the fact that they have managed to do this, but they haven't had to go without, still having two holidays abroad each year, eating in fancy restaurants and generally having a wonderful time. Added to that, their house has gone up in value by £100,000, so they are very lucky. My question is this, the email telling me that this month was the final payment simply stated this as a fact and hooray that it was paid off, but there was no thank you, no appreciation, no nothing. AIBU to think that they should have acknowledged what a huge deal this was for us? We are not wealthy.

Alea Tue 10-May-16 13:09:26

Maybe a (disingenuous) "thank you" from you to them, for the final instalment, saying you were glad to help and hope that they continue to be happy in their home?
Perhaps that will produce a response?
There may be a thank you on its way, so I would not voice any disappointment or criticism.

Liz46 Tue 10-May-16 13:39:34

Say nothing. I hope they thanked you profusely when you offered them the loan.

Least said, soonest mended. They are probably just busy and thoughtless.

grannyactivist Tue 10-May-16 13:45:05

I assume they acknowledged your generosity and said 'thank you' at the time of the loan? If so then I would just be glad for them and let it go. smile

Anya Tue 10-May-16 14:06:01

Give them time..... they might yet express their gratitude in some way but if not then let it go.

rubylady Tue 10-May-16 14:34:35

No, YANBU, I would have wanted a fanfare! Maybe tell them that the bank of mum and dad is well and truly closed now and the money they paid back is going into the "spending the kids inheritance fund". Then book a lovely long holiday, the two of you and toast, while away, to the fact that you are excellent parents!

One of my dad's sayings was, "There's more than one way to skin a rabbit." Too true.

Now I'm off to put some itching powder in my son's boxers as he was rude to me earlier! grin

Regalo Tue 10-May-16 14:43:39

It's a difficult one. You were lucky that they paid regularly and there was no my mind that shows an appreciation of what you did for them. They are probably terribly relieved that they have cleared it. Turn it around and be happy that you were able to help never know, there may even be flowers on the way!

Ana Tue 10-May-16 15:05:14

I agree. Let it go, life's too short!

PRINTMISS Tue 10-May-16 15:08:13

I agree with Ana why start something you may live to regret? They have done all that could be asked of them, settled down, bought their home, and repaid you. Well done them, and certainly well done (and lucky) you, to have been able to help them on their way.

granjura Tue 10-May-16 15:24:32

Have they expressed gratitude along the way? They may well be keeping the 'business side' separate and planning a nice surprise for you to say thanks. BTW, did they pay interest on the loan or'just' repaid the sum borrowed?

If nothing happens over the next few weeks, perhaps I'd try and find a way to say one day that you felt a bit sad that there was no thank you.

petra Tue 10-May-16 15:31:55

At least it was all repaid. We lent our Daughter and her then partner £30,000 for a deposit. Two years later she left him and he carried on in the property. We advised her what to do but she was adiment that she would pay back her half. She never has, but her ex partner paid every penny with interest.

janeainsworth Tue 10-May-16 15:54:07

Neither a borrower nor a lender be
For loan oft loses both itself and friend .........

At least you haven't lost the loan.
Make sure you don't lose your daughter by making an issue of this thanking business.
I don't remember writing and thanking the bank manager when I paid off my mortgage.

Helski Tue 10-May-16 17:07:32

There was no interest on the loan, I'm generally okay with it, just feel a little bit disappointed that the email didn't even say a basic thank you. And the final payment was literally down to the last penny of the loan. Oh well, put it down to experience and move on I guess. And compared to some we've done well to get it back.
Thanks for your comments.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 17:17:32

Perhaps you could have let them off the last payment or two? Seeing as they've been good with the repayments. Then you could have expected thanks.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 17:18:50

I don't mean that harshly btw. Pleas no brickbats anyone!

NanaandGrampy Tue 10-May-16 17:41:47

I agree with jingl .

Our daughters have needed financial help in the past that we were able to offer. We let them pay us back every month, and then a few months before the end we told them it was fine.

For us it was about the understanding debts must be paid and for them to feel a little pain paying back so they appreciated the loan.

They were very grateful and a good lesson was learnt.

In this instance I think ( or hope) you got your thanks up front. I certainly wouldn't be concerned your final email was not more effusive.

Ana Tue 10-May-16 17:43:20

And why not to the last penny? confused

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 17:44:53

Exactly NandG.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 17:45:58

Ana I think it's how the bank of mum and dad usually works. If at all possible, of course.

Synonymous Tue 10-May-16 19:22:44

Why don't you book a table and all go out for a meal, all toast each other with a nice bottle of bubbly and congratulate all of yourselves for a really good job well done. And enjoy your mutual triumphs! They have a good investment and you have your money back! That is a wonderful result! flowers wine

Grannyknot Tue 10-May-16 22:34:22

helski maybe the "hooray" was intended as a shared (by all of you) expression that includes gratitude (and relief) for having got to this point.

At worst, it's a bit thoughtless not to have thanked you (I presume again) but that's not too bad. People make mistakes sometimes.

Grannyknot Tue 10-May-16 22:36:30

By the (I presume, again) - now with comma missing above - I mean I presume you have had a thank you somewhere along the line.


harrigran Tue 10-May-16 22:44:04

My dad loaned me the deposit for a cottage and paid him back plus the going rate of interest.
We gave daughter a five figure sum to pay off her mortgage, we even drove to her house and put the cheque through the door, rather than post it. I think it was about 6 years ago and she still hasn't mentioned that she received it. I think some younger people just take it for granted that Mum and Dad will always be around to help out.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 22:57:41

What?!!!! shock. She hasn't said thank you?!

Lillie Tue 10-May-16 23:13:37

I guess the answer is, we shouldn't give or lend our children money if we're going to be in any way upset if they don't say thank you.
My mum gave us a four bedroomed house when we got married and although I remember thinking how very fortunate we were, I can't remember ever thanking her and that makes me feel very sad now.
I'm sure your daughter will be eternally grateful to you even though she hasn't said thank you.