Not sure what to say re loan repayment....

When we bought our first house we borrowed @ £1,000 from my in laws which we paid back as quickly as possible. Although they never said or did anything to make me think it, I didn't feel the house was 'ours' till that loan was repaid [even though we still owed the Building Society]. I don't think we thanked them properly for it [although throughout the following years we borrowed far less from them than the rest of the family; in fact, I don't think we ever borrowed from them again]. People only really seem to understand these things when they have children of their own.

Unfortunately I have never been in the position where I have been "helped" financially. My parents were (genuine) working class where every penny earned was accounted for. Other than a few (very small) amounts I have never been in the position to help either of my children with money either. I think you were very fortunate to be able to help your daughter with £40,000 . I had to smile at your last line we are not wealthy Really? I'm afraid your idea of wealthy and mine are very different and I consider anyone with a spare £40,000 knocking around to be quite wealthy.

As for the thanking. I assume you were thanked when you made the loan? How many times would you expect to be thanked in circumstances such as this? If it bothers you so much (you are hinting that they are ungrateful) why don't you tell her that you are disappointed ? Personally I would be very grateful that she paid every penny back and extremely happy at your good fortune to be able to help your own child in this way.

I have helped absentdaughter a few times and I know she really wants to repay the lot but with a family of six children, she works on a very tight budget. She keeps and worries over a spreadsheet of what she thinks of as loans, bless her. I never lend money unless I am prepared to give it anyway. I am repaid a thousand times more with the love and trust – and she does say thank you when I help her out. If she has it now when she needs it, she won't get it years ahead (I hope) when I peg the bucket and she doesn't need it.

I loaned my daughter money for a deposit which she is still consistently paying back. She has said many times how grateful she is that I could do it . Could only do it because of savings kept after divorce settlement. I was SO HAPPY to help her I that I am not worried about being thanked ( although as I have said she has thanked me) Why are you niggling about this? My daughter has helped me in the past and when I retire and have less money she has said don't worry I'll always make sure you're ok. Isn't that what close families do? Why risk falling out I'm puzzled it's such a big deal to you.

Property has gone up in value, Helski, probably your own included. I'm sure they were very grateful and said so initially. They were probably very relieved to have got rid of the debt and they know that without you they wouldn't have got on the property ladder to begin with. They should have thanked you again but even if they " forgot" to say so they will always be aware of, and grateful for, the help you gave them. If you get on well as a family just be glad of that and glad, too, that you were able to help them out. Don't begrudge them their holidays or " fancy" restaurants. It's good they are able to enjoy life. Just be glad you were in a position to give them a head start.

My parents managed to buy their own home in their late 50's, only because one of their own parents left a small legacy. When my parents died, their home was left to their own children. We don't live in an area where house prices rise by £100,000 in 3 years so amounts were nothing like the one's mentioned in the OP. However, the relatively small amounts involved enabled me to help my own children with cash towards deposits on their homes. Like absent, I'd rather they had the money now, when they're young and need it, than later in their lives when we've popped our clogs/pegged the bucket. I also don't lend money to the children unless I'm prepared to give it. They never ask - well youngest was a fine one when still living at home for "can you lend me £10/£20 till I can get to the bank" - can't recall many of those loans coming back but what has come back is so much love and enjoyment in each others lives.
Money isn't everything and I'm sure I'm not the only one who looks back and wishes I'd actually told my parents very clearly just how much I owed them, not in a financial sense, rather than assuming they knew.

Kids Huh!

I have never heard of the phrase pegged the bucket Absent and Iam64

Pegged out or kicked the bucket

I am sure they are grateful but perhaps didn't see the necessity to say thanks, assuming they said it at the beginning. Just let it go. Maybe they are slightly embarrassed they needed help in the first place. Money isn't really important.

I don't think the OP has said they were thanked at the start of the loan though, unless I've missed something as I often do. And if that's the case it's understandable that they feel narked at being taken for granted - I certainly would. It's not about the money. A hug and a thank you never goes amiss. My lot do that much if we help out with a bit of decorating or suchlike, so I would blooming hope they would if I was doling out a five figure cheque. Has there been some sort of seismic shift that means that it's acceptable now not to say a quick thank you for a present or a helping hand?

I can see it from the DC's point of view too, their money was not a gift it was a loan. You probably would not go into a building society and thank them profusely for repaying all of the loan, they probably thought that was the end of it.
My DD was given the money as a gift but I do get free holidays in a foreign country, staying in her home.
I agree with absent I only give money I know I can afford to live without.

I made loans to mine - one for a car and the other for a deposit on a house. Every penny was paid back by standing order. I can't now remember whether or not they said thanks when the final payments were made, but I do know that their behaviour to me consistently expresses their love and gratitude and what more can I ask?

I take back all I said about DD not mentioning mortgage being paid off. Today I got effusive thanks for enabling her to maintain two houses. Sometimes it just takes time I told her she would have got it anyway, I just preferred to give it with a warm heart and not a cold hand.

I think if you make a big deal out of this you may live to regret it they have paid you the money back sometimes you do a good turn for others especially family without expecting anything in return she may have other more practical ways of showing her appreciation to you.

At least our lot know there is no point in asking! Nothing in the coffers here. ?

We have just given both our DDs very substantial sums of money towards house purchase (it had to be outright gift as Building Socs wouldnt allow it as loan or joint purchase )They have both thanked us profusely both verbally and in emails ,the latter especially reflecting they know how fortunate they are .Similarly we gave been doing a lot of helping out the elder with an older property which has been left in a bit of a mess by the vendor
But as far as we are concerned that is the end of it. We do not expect or want constant recognition of our 'generosity' (we can do it only because of hefty inheritances and would rather they had the money now as previous posters have said)
DD1 will also shortly be borrowing several thousand to furnish her new flat.It will be paid back monthly as soon as she gets a lodger .It will not be mentioned and I would not expect an acknowledgement when the last payment is made .Except that she will not pay interest (current rates being a pittance anyway )it's a business transaction .
My DDs constantly show their love and appreciation of everything we do for them (meals out ,family holidays etc).I have every confidence they will do the same for us when they have achieved a bit more disposal income.It's the way the world turns .

Whilst I would not necessarily consider someone who has £40,000 available as wealthy I would think they were very comfortable.

It was nice of you to lend them the money but it was a loan, not a gift, and now it has been paid off - so, if it were me, I would leave it at that.

We gave our daughter not much short of the sum mentioned above for a deposit for her share of a house she wanted to buy with her b/f. His parents did the same (house prices are crazy round here - you could have bought a house outright with seventy grand in some places)). They did thank us both and are very appreciative. However, as I mentioned on another thread it took years to get my other child to say thank you for anything.

I don't think it's too much to expect thanks. After all, it is good for the person receiving the loan to be reminded that someone went without to give them what they had.

''Not wealthy''? I wish I had 40 grand to lend my DD and her partner!

Harrigran it was an interest free loan - I don't think the building societies around here do those!

I agree with Absent. It is best not to lend money that you are not prepared to give. Its also best if you decide at the outset that you will be able to let go of any resentment if the money is not repaid in full or acknowledged properly. Relationships are so very easily damaged (see many other threads ....) and are the most precious things we have.

We lent our son in law £15,000 to buy a larger car following the birth of their third child. He left our daughter two years later and took the car (reg. in his name) with him. He stopped repaying the loan owing us £2,500 . Our daughter has her own car and works. The courts decided on 50/50 share of their assets etc. The debt was seen as THEIR debt and was also split 50/50. He got the car, and has never repaid us the outstanding money

I remember when my DH and I were saving for a deposit to buy our first home we each had 3 jobs. My daughter was horrified when I told her this and said "oh well, that's just you mum, people don't do that!" We have helped her out financially and don't expect to be repaid. Apart from the initial "thanks, it's much appreciated" it hasn't been mentioned again. As others have said, let it go! She has repaid the loan without default and I am sure she's very grateful although she may not show it.

As others have said, I'd just be glad it has been repaid in full! I'm sure they are grateful but found the debt hanging over them. I'd have responded to Hooray with a hooray of my own and a thank you for paying it off so promptly. I wouldn't introduce a sour note by commenting on lack of thanks which could easily alienate them. I expect it has n't occurred to them to thank you again - not sure it would to me at that point either. They know you know they are grateful. Their feeling at the moment is relief to be out of debt!

Helski - I would thank my lucky stars the loan was repaid and leave it at that. At least they didn't ask you to act as a guarantor.

Someone close to me guaranteed her son's mortgage and when he lost his job and couldn't keep up the payments the bank came after her and made her bankrupt.

Never act as guarantor for a loan, however close you are. I notice one of the awful loan companies are pushing this in TV ads - 'ask a friend or family member to sign for you...'

Just say no.