in feeling hurt?

What he has done, as far as I can see, is be opinionated (much like his siblings) have a hot temper (much like his brothers) and not have been hugely successful (unlike his brothers), both of whom were helped by family (unlike my husband) to get good jobs or, as with his eldest brother, inherit the family house and land.
He has always been treated as if he were stupid, which he is not. His mother and father have always made it clear that his siblings were so marvellous and been quick to point out his failings (apparently the others have none)
He said sadly to me that his cousin, who as a young man was a drug addict and in serious trouble with the police, was given multiple chances to redeem himself, which he did and went on to do very well for himself. He commented that maybe he should have got into drugs, not just been a rebel as a boy. Maybe then they would have helped him.
Oh, my MIL is very good at "staying out of it" She has never stood up for DH even when he had done nothing more than state an opinion (a factually right one, too) the most she has ever done is congratulate him for not picking an argument on one occasion, when he pointed out a scientific fact and was shot down by his brothers.
I just wish he could just get on with life and ignore them. They are a nasty bunch and toxic to my little family. Unfortunately he cant. He wants to belong, he wants to have a relationship with this family who are all very happy without him. So sad, and so angry for him

His own mother said that??? Oughtn't she be facilitating some sort of reconciliation between all of her children? What has your Dh done that's so terrible, in their eyes?

Now i am getting really worried. He always suspected they didnt have much time for him, but now he KNOWS from his mother that they "dont like him", he is spiralling.
Just as an example, he picked up the phone the other evening when his mother phoned (they hadnt spoken for a couple of weeks, he always calls her) and she just said "hello, is Lisalou there?" Not even "how are you?"

For those of you who may be interested, I thought I would update. The wedding in question was last weekend. On Monday i emailed the mother of the bride, whom I get on well with and asked her outright if we had put our foot wrong in some way, as everyone in the family of every generation was invited and it was held at my eldest BIL's house, so neither a financial nor a space problem (he has a huge georgian house with land - they used to do weddings as a business)

My answer came yesterday in the form of a phone call from my MIL who thought I was entitled to know how it stood. Apparently my husband, who has had arguments with his brothers in the past would be likely to spoil family events so will not be invited to any because his nieces and nephews dont like him (where they get their opinions is their fathers, of course)

So that is it. We have decided we will stay in touch with his parents for our daughter's sake, as she loves her grandparents (who did invite us to their diamond wedding, of which i was reminded. I wonder if she wanted a medal or something, from the way she put it)

Yes, it is relieving to know exactly what is up, but my husband, who very much wants to be part of his family, is distraught. I am very worried about him

Right now I would love to see them all rot in hell, I am not a vengeful person, but god i am angry!!

Squiggy, you are absolutely right. And yes, your very first post does help. Thank you.

I so understand how you feel as something similar happened to me last year. I was told it would be a very small wedding and I believed it....until I saw the photographs on line. However, I have recently read a sentence that I have found particularly helpful in more than just this situation. It is, "They don't get to decide how I behave." This is my very first post and I hope it will be helpful to you too.

I remember at my own wedding 40 years ago wondering why distant relatives I had never met were taking precedence over friends I would have liked to invite but in those days my parents paid for the wedding so they were entitled to have their say. My daughter gets married next year and it is a totally different ball game. They are paying for everything themselves and are having the wedding they want with the people they want joining them on their special day. I was asked, and provided a list of who I would like to be there and my daughter chose the friends who had been around throughout her childhood, who she felt closest to, and I'm completely happy with that. I agree that these days it is a minefield and that it is likely someone, somewhere is going to feel snubbed or upset about not being invited but most people understand it's not always possible to have everyone you would like there on the day. Hope you have chance to have a family get together some other time when you can hopefully spend more quality time together - maybe in Spain?

Mt daughter is getting married this Saturday. She said she was only inviting people she knows well. She left out a lot of people. Like my only surviving aunt. I was bothered by this but it is her wedding and she is paying for it so I just left it go. Maybe the neice has good reason. My daughter also didn't invite out of town guests if she thought they wouldn't make it because she didn't want someone to feel like she just wanted a gift. Although, some family members sent gifts anyway. I would try not to take it personally. Maybe ask her were she is registered and send a small gift.

Dear Ladies, thank you. I am not terribly upset, more for my dh and daughter, as i said before. I think you have all helped a great deal by giving me different points of view. Being brought up abroad I really dont know how these things work in Britain, and was curious to see how things are done. From what many of you say, inviting family (uncles/aunts, etc) is by no means a given nowadays.
I am sorry so many of you have been disappointed in similar ways.
It does not rob me of sleep and my daughter is not aware of anything, just happy to be making a present for her favourite girl cousin. I am very proud of her as it is her own idea. DH and I will send a card congratulating our niece as we are fond of her and honestly wish her well.

what do you think..... not been invite to son's wedding.... don't even know what her name is......never mind a.....

One of our daughters was married in Oz. We managed to rustle up over 20 guests from our side, relatives and good friends who combined a holiday with the wedding. There were over 120 guests; it was an amazing day and we didn't begrudge one penny, but there is always that niggly feeling that we paid, in addition to air fares and hotels for 5 of us, £thousands for friends and relatives on 'the other side' none of whom we knew, had met, nor have met since. FiL paid for the drinks and had the nerve to ask how on earth the happy couple had managed to pay for the rest : ahem, excuse me, it's called the M&D of the bride . My Dad had recently died and he would have been so delighted that we used some of his inheritance on his beloved grandaughter's celebrations.
I have got to the stage that I really don't enjoy other family's weddings. Now on my own, it is a lonely experience and I have to steel myself to attend. Usually it involves flights,hotels not to mention a substantial present and I usually end up with the great aunt or odd friend of the bride's mother for company, which I suppose is better than being a wallflower in the corner
Lisalou I wouldn't get yourself into too much of a tizzy over this. It's just a day out of thousands of others all of which you can spend with people who want and love you for what and who you are. Yes, sad for your daughter but don't let it become an issue for her - or you. In the fullness of time she will meet her family. She is a lovely innocent little girl; let her make and send her present and then think no more of it.

My daughter invited very few family to her wedding, no aunts, uncles or cousins. She invited people close to her, who play active roles in her life (and that of her now husband) on a regular basis and not people she hardly knew or rarely saw, relatives included. I was perfectly happy with that, as were my sisters and their children. Times are changing, when I look back at my wedding pictures, the guests are mainly elderly relatives I invited to keep my parents happy, which is not reason enough when it is the most important day of your life. I only have a vague idea who they all are. Be nice, send a gift with a generous heart. You'll feel better and I'm sure you will see your nieces before too long for your own private, celebration together.

We were not invited to our oldest granddaughters wedding. She took the opportunity to ring me and tell me that she was getting married but that we weren't invited. My son was gutted and seemingly ao was everyone else. I felt insulted initially, but I ended up wondering what sort of family I have. This particular family always leave us out and invited everyone else. We also live in Spain, but have never declined an invite It feels very spiteful to me, but I realise that our oldest granddaughter is just that. Got over the hurt and get on with my life.

I agree with your last statement, some of the weddings I have been to the marriage was over before it was paid for. Don't get me started on living together ten years and having multiple children and then having the full Disney production.

I agree, Harrigran - I've just written Please Excuse Me letters to two wedding invitations. One was for the evening do and the last time I went to one of those I vowed it would be the last time - I find that a very strange custom, like having an A Team and a B Team. The other one is in London so would involve train tickets and flowers/wine for anyone I stayed with, etc etc. All that fuss! My other always used to say The bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.

Over the past few years we have been to two big family weddings abroad, a nephew in Germany and a niece in Greece. The German wedding was great, the Greek one less so, because they had about400 guests and it was in the height of summer and unbearably hot. Both weddings must have cost a small fortune. Both couples are now divorced! I can't see the point on spending a fortune on a huge wedding and inviting all the family when the money could be so much better used in other ways. Maybe the couples in Spain were just trying to save money by not inviting all the relatives!

I find it slightly irritating when people say the bride and groom should decide who comes to their wedding when in general they don't pay for it - the parents do, which I think gives the parents the right to have a few close friends and rellys of their own there!

I am rather relieved when I do not get a wedding invitation. The last ones I was at involved hours of standing around while the bride and groom faffed about the town being photographed in the park and the football ground FGS. The last one was timed for two o'clock and the meal was served at eight thirty and the food was pizza and pork pies. I can say I regretted the money spent on a very expensive outfit which was spoilt with very greasy finger food.
If you take yourself off to another country I don't think you can expect to get an invitation to every UK function.

I'm sorry for your upset, and understand your need to get it off your chest. I hope you've found the support from the other gransnetters

I wasn't invited to my niece's wedding, my sisters daughter. I was bit hurt at first as other members of the family went., But I just decided it wasn't worth it. It's their wedding after all and they can invite who they like. Sometimes it's just a case of keeping numbers down.

I don't invite everybody I'm friendly with to my parties, it's just not feasible, and I try not to expect to be invited to other people 'does' all the time either.

It's just not worth falling out about. It is hard for you though because you live abroad you feel even more out of the loop.

Lisalou work out how much it would have cost you for new outfits, flights, accommodation, present,etc. Then spend that on something you really want, a weekend somewhere exotic, a spa break whatever. Send them a card saying "Hope your wedding goes well, we are enjoying ourselves in ...." Then forget them they aren't worth worrying about.

If I were you, |I would simply send a nice card wishing them all the best for their future, if you think it appropriate you could simply write in the card 'sorry we missed being at the wedding' ...and they can take it as they like - i.e. the snub you feel for your husband, or simply as your regret you could not attend (not were not asked !)

and whatever you do, DO NOT SEND money or a gift ! (harsh maybe, but they might just the point !)

I've got friends who have lived abroad (further away than .spain, admittedly) and they sometimes complain that they feel left out of things happening here, or when they come over some family members are "busy". I have wondered if the family members felt rejected by their move abroad; their move out of the fold could be felt as a rejection, perhaps, so it might be something like that...

I lived in Spain for 27 years and during that time 4 nephews got married and I knew nothing about any of them until either a few days before, from rermarks posted on Facebook or after, when the photos were posted! I left England when they were all in their mid teens and kept no contact with them.so certainly didn't expect an invitation......their wedding, invite people you see/know, etc. However, I would have liked to have known about the weddings, just to give me a chance to send greetings card. My brothers, their fathers, never mentioned anything and they said they never gave me a thought! Thanks boys!!!!!! Was miffed at the time but got over it!!!!!!

When we got married it was very much my parents and DH's to some extent, who decided who would attend. There were many constraints on who we could invite. I'm very much in favour of the decisions being those of the bride and groom, which I did my best to ensure when DD's got married. It's their day.

There may be misunderstandings.

There probably is a bit of, they are in Spain going on.

But I would be miffed too. It is quite a big deal in my opinion.

There is the other way round of it, where we invited a great aunt to a wedding, and she is in Australia, and she was a bit baffled as to why she was asked. We did it partly, because her brother, the grandpa is still very much with us, and wouldnt have liked it if she wasnt asked.

Not sure about asking whether you can go. Maybe worth a try? There could be a reason why you were not invited, but I cant really think of one that you have not thought of.