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AIBU

To expect people to return things they've borrowed?

(53 Posts)
mrsmopp Sun 20-Nov-16 22:46:26

Nothing terribly valuable, I'm only talking about maybe books or DVDs I have lent to friends and never seen again. I drop a hint-'did you enjoy the book/DVD?' and they reply 'Oh yes, I keep forgetting to give it back!' Then it gets forgotten again.
Of course I could just let it go, but it's annoying because I always return things quickly myself. It's bad manners though isn't it? I don't feel I can keep on asking for it back.

rubylady Sun 20-Nov-16 23:46:28

I have had things which I have lent out and never got back and yes, it is very annoying. I would rather someone ask for me to give it to them than think that they are not giving it me back. It is a form of stealing to me. I have had family members "borrow" money and then not give it back. Just ask if I can spare some and they could have had it, for keeps.

Now I don't lend anyone anything. If anyone wants anything I would rather buy them the thing (depending on the amount, of course). grin

Christinefrance Mon 21-Nov-16 08:55:21

Yes that is so annoying, you are not unreasonable at all. I especially hate it if books are not returned so now I only lend them to friends I can trust to return them in the same condition they got them. I never lend books to smokers. Recently I lent money to a friend who said he would work it off doing my garden, I have to keep chasing him up to do this which is demeaning to both of us.

hildajenniJ Mon 21-Nov-16 09:35:23

Yes, this really is annoying. Some years ago I lent two books to a work colleague that I considered to be a friend. These books had been gifts from my DH. We lost touch when she left to go to another job, and has never been in touch since.

JS06 Mon 21-Nov-16 09:35:27

I have fallen victim of this lending out stuff time and again. As if the generosity isn't enough in the first place I then feel I'm going cap in hand to ask for the item back. Even when I've done this sometimes there is no return of the item - we've recently lost whole box sets of tv series, DVLA driving box set, some crockery that a friend's teenage son threw across the room and broke - I was told this as an example of the lad's explosive anger - but I've yet to be offered a replacement. These are lovely friends that I'm highlighting here in these examples but I truly think folk don't mean any malice but are slightly thoughtless on their take on giving/returning/borrowing/. Hmmmmm ............

floorflock Mon 21-Nov-16 09:38:28

YANBU. You should not have to chase anyone to give you something back that was borrowed. IT IS STEALING. I am so passionate about this as I have been made to feel in the wrong before now for asking for things back that are mine! I would never lend anything to anyone again.

Joyfully Mon 21-Nov-16 09:43:02

You could always say that someone you know wants to read the book DVD or whatever and could they please pop it in so that the other person can enjoy it to. That way the responsibility is for them to bring it back. Then a gentle reminder that said friend is coming in next two days so can I have it for them or shall I pop round for it? That saves grudges. My mother used the old adage, neither a borrower or a lender be. Either you have to expect never to get it back, or give a time when you want it returned.

sunseeker Mon 21-Nov-16 09:45:05

This is something I hate!! I once loaned several books to the girlfriend of a friend of ours, they split up and I never got the books back - it's something that still bugs me to this day and it happened around 15 years ago! Currently, I have loaned 2 TV box sets and 3 books to various people but there is no sign of them being returned several months later. I don't know why I continue to lend things!

susiegee Mon 21-Nov-16 09:49:39

I no longer lend nor borrow, I learnt that lesson a long time ago after lending a cherished item to a family member who failed to return it and then found out through another that they had given it away. I now live by whats mine is mine and stays mine.

ctussaud Mon 21-Nov-16 09:49:44

I have a borrowing book in which I enter books, DVDs. CDs etc. Oddly this can make it easier to effect returns as people see their name being entered and it focuses their mind that it is a loan. It also makes it easy to say "Just noticed in my borrowing book that I lent you the box set of XXX last Christmas; I expect you've watched it by now?"

Lilyflower Mon 21-Nov-16 09:52:25

A young (and dippy) colleague of mine had her purse stolen and I loaned her £20 for immediate use. Never saw it again. She was loaned quite a few £20 notes on that occasion and I didn't like to ask if anyone else had had their loan returned but I suspect not. It was a learning experience and I have never been so foolish again. Polonius was right!

Teddy123 Mon 21-Nov-16 09:55:55

It can be hard to say 'no' when friends ask to borrow stuff. I've lost count of the amount of books I've never seen again.

The mother of a good friend was going to a posh wedding and somehow the friend knew about a particular fab hat in my carefully stored hoard! She asked to borrow it .... As I handed it over I knew u would never see it again! And I didn't 😢.

What's that old saying ....never a borrower or a lender be

Craftycat Mon 21-Nov-16 10:03:03

Ask for it directly- can I have that book back please? I have promised to lend it to .....

I run 2 reading groups & I am always being given books to read & I confess I sometimes forget who lent it to me so I always say now. 'Remind me to return this book or I will forget who it belongs to!'

I don't want to clutter my home with with even more books!

boggles Mon 21-Nov-16 10:13:20

When I lend something to somebody I just say, 'and don't forget to give it back' Whoever it is.

grannybuy Mon 21-Nov-16 10:35:19

I once lent money to an English girl on a train in Spain. When the ticket collector came round, she realised that she had left her bag in a cafe. She had heard my (Scottish) accent, so chose to approach me. In fact I had actually seen her earlier in said cafe, so opted to give her the money for a ticket. She took my name and address, and a cheque duly arrived a couple of weeks later. It restores one's one's faith in human nature. A friend, on hearing the story, said she would never have given the money. Had it been a huge amount, neither would I. Sometimes you just have to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Disgruntled Mon 21-Nov-16 10:46:00

...and the trouble is that it's often a favourite or important book that you're recommending to someone.... groan.
Be assertive. Be direct. Maybe when you're round at their house, then they can put their hands on it.

Outofstepwithhumanity Mon 21-Nov-16 10:49:28

This one is hard to beat! I lent a number of household items to a neighbour who was down on her uppers (alcoholic) When her flat was eventually repossessed, she had a boot fair & sold them, presumably the proceeds went to buy more drink! I didn't have the heart to protest!

Brigidsdaughter Mon 21-Nov-16 10:59:17

When giving books to friends I usually say I don't need them back if they'd like to pass them on but for a special one make the point of saying I do want that one back. A post it note with my name on inside the cover helps.

annodomini Mon 21-Nov-16 11:12:02

If the book is special, I put my name and the date of purchase in it. I have a few signed editions and wouldn't dream of lending them to anyone.

nipsmum Mon 21-Nov-16 11:51:02

I have learned over the years not to borrow or lend. There have been too many things returned broken or just not returned at all. Why do people think you are giving them an article that they have asked to borrow and don't think you to expect it to be returned in good condition. Everything from China electrical goods and especially books.

Tessa101 Mon 21-Nov-16 12:36:34

If you don't want to appear to keep bothering her for it, why don't you say one of my friends/ neighbours/ family wish to borrow ?? Could you pop it round please or I can pick it up next time I'm passing. It is rude not to return things.

Barmyoldbat Mon 21-Nov-16 12:46:08

I put my email address inside the book and only lend books that I have bought in the charity shops, I ask for them back or remind to bring it with them when they say they are visiting and so far its not been much of a problem. As for money, no, I need it.

nanasam Mon 21-Nov-16 13:13:12

I agree with ctussaud. I fully intended using a 'borrowbook' as I used to forget who I loaned what to. I lent Titanic DVD to someone once and hadn't even seen it, and didn't have a clue who had it!
I say intended because I forgot where I put the book so never got to use it. blush Nevertheless, it's a brilliant idea.

Yorkshiregel Mon 21-Nov-16 13:31:58

We have had records, books and CDs borrowed and not returned. We should have learned our lesson but how can you say NO to someone? I also think it is horrible when people do this. They are breaking a trust imo.

wot Mon 21-Nov-16 13:34:32

It's so rude. I'm like sunseeker in that I hold grudges against people who have done this to me! my neighbour told me to go and look for my books and cd,s that I'd lent her and the cd,s were all scratched. I didn't get back even half what I lent her. how disrepectful!