To feel like I'm bottom of the list ALL the time?

In the nicest possible way, you've made a rod for your own back.

Your dd has suggested that it's all too much. So agree with her and drop the childcare (or some of it). Her children are not your problem. Set some boundaries about them visiting you. And yes, get your friends to help out with lunches. They'd understand, really.

As for the FIL, I sympathise because I'm in the same boat and spend much of Xmas running round after selfish relatives. Could you freeze and deliver a cooked dinner in advance so he can heat it up himself?

Next year, make sure someone else hosts, or take yourself off for a cruise or something. X.

2 years ago, I was advised by my Diabetes nurse to go on to insulin. I refused to stick needles in to mself.
Then because of an unfortunate situation, I couldn't get food for 7 hrs and I was not well.
I returned to the nurse and said that I would give insulin a try.
What a God send! I wish I had taken her advice before. I am so much better in myself and the needles are so fine, I don't even feel them going in. My needles are 5mm 31G - 0.25mm.

Then you just sit down with family and work out how you can get your gym time back.

I think your health is the main factor here.Have you been managing to keep the diabetes well controlled until recently?This needs sorting out first because the stress and the physical demands on you must be taking their toll.When you see the GP,tell him about your daily life.I think he/she will suggest that you need to cut back your commitments and you could use this as a starting point for a conversation with your family.It is very hard to say no when you are the kind of person who always steps in to help but you can say that you need to have a few more hours for yourself.Sit down and discuss what can be done,such as a carer or help from social services with your FIL.
I hope you feel better soon and get back your gym time.

Hi and I do realise how hard it is to give up any of this looking after...been there...the thing is though, the resentment builds up and up until you get unwell yourself..and then you're no help to anyone. You've just hit a hard time, when everyone seems to want a piece of you and it would be good if you could reduce that even a little bit. I used to book a taxi for my parents in your situation. It's not cheap but money well spent. Not only can you have a drink and relax but you all know what time the taxi is coming(!) It's very reasonable to expect everyone including you, to be able to have a drink on Xmas day. The other thing is, other people really aren't as bothered if we say 'no', as we think they're going to be(which begs the question who's got the problem really) so perhaps you could negotiate a little time for the gymn-stand your ground-and say you really need it as time out-it's surprising how others will bend to support you (for a change) when you put them up to it....I would take a deep breath and bite the bullet. You may be surprised.

Lots of very good advice.

How about using the opportunity to tackle your diabetes? My daughter got hers under control by eating only fruit (any), vegetables (any)and a daily portion of protein (egg, yogurt, cheese, meat, fish) a you like. It works and your blood sugar will be stable and reliably controlled.

Give it a try - see it work!

Good luck

Immaculate conception comes to mind reading this. Where on earth are the fathers of these children? I'm sorry but you must like being the "martyr"

Good heavens! How on earth do you cope with all that? I would suggest you get help from social services. One person will not be able to cope with all that responsibility. Sometimes you can be too accommodating and then you will be 'expected' to help out.

You are entitled to some time to yourself, so for what it is worth, I suggest that you get them altogether, tell them how you are finding it hard to cope and get them to muck in a bit more.

Health is important so you must look after yourself or you will not be able to help anyone with anything. See your doctor and ask for advice on getting help, and for getting a grip on your diabetes.

Try saying 'No, I cannot help out that day because I have other commitments'. You do not need to explain what they are. Then go to the gymn. Do not feel guilty. Get some 'Me time'!

If I knew how to change it I would have typed 'all together' instead of 'altogether' :-)

Anyone know how to edit?

IMHO Takingthemick your post was very harsh. The OP is looking for a shoulder to lean on at this time not criticism. The fathers could be anywhere, dead, in prison, just cleared off leaving the mum to look after them. Our own DD2 has escaped from the moron her spouse turned out to be. This means DH and I are much more heavily involved with DGS than first intended and sometimes this can be exhausting. The alternative would be having DD2 and DGS living with a complete nutter. Oh to have a crystal ball.

Small point - can you contact the gym, explain that due to temporary circumstances you are unable to use your 10-week membership right now and can it be frozen/deferred? It's in the gym's interest to keep you happy so that you might come back/sign up for a full annual membership, so they may be accommodating.

For the rest - as has been pointed out already, your health must be paramount. If all this extra running around for others has impacted your health (and I think it may well have) then you need to consider - what will all these people do if I am so ill I can do nothing for them? Well - they'd have to make other arrangements.

I suggest you tell your daughters that right now, with their dad laid up, you need to cut back on what you do for them. And yes, point out that it's impacting your health, the GP has called you in. For starters, knock the GC's swimming lessons on the head. They can learn later, it's too much right now. Next - stop thinking the house has to be 'visitor ready'. Because what that really means is that you don't want people to see that you're struggling. Stop that, it's what's got you to this point <hug>. Can your DDs/DS do anything for their granddad to take it off your hands? I'll bet they could, if you asked. And finally, for the longer term, your eldest daughter's work hours have changed. If that's permanent she needs to alter her childcare to suit, not have you pick it up.

Christmas - you have three adult children, at least two of whom have children. Perhaps it is time for one of them to host? I first hosted the family Christmas when my wonderful MIL was ill one year. She was better the next year and wanted to host again, so they wouldn't have to commit to taking on the host role permanently, just this year when both their parents are poorly. Worth thinking about?

You need to start considering yourself first. Try to think of yourself as the first-aider helping them out. The first thing a first-aider has to consider, before ANYTHING else, is; is this environment safe for me to enter? Because the first-aider is no help to the wounded if they walk in and get wounded too. This current 'environment' is making you ill, so you need to prioritise that before giving aid.

I have very similar commitments ,although the pleasure I receive from looking after all DGC at various times tends to counteract a very old frail mother and a very difficult and poorly DH . Last Christmas I did all the preparation and planning to have Christmas at our mother's who still lives in the large family home with my single brother ,and on Christmas Day I got the turkey in, veg prepared( by us all I admit) and I suddenly felt so ill and couldn't face eating a meal. I went home and spent the whole of Christmas and New Year with flu ( had the jab!) . I must secretly admit I quite enjoyed it ! Moral of this story is a dumbed down Christmas this year .Secret Santa for the adults , every one is doing and bringing a dish ,bought pudding and cake . Even the tree is going to be fake .Sometimes we have to say STOP no more !

One million elderly people are lonely.........there is a lot of time I am one of those.I wish I were nearer to be more help to my kids.

Famine or feast that's life isn't it.

Delegate stuff...........just say what you need people to do, they will help I am sure.

I think we all try to do too much at Christmas, don't we? I like the "bring a dish" idea. I've never had a real tree, so not about to start now! I like the taxi idea too, if you can get one.

I think thoughtless people become even more thoughtless at Xmas, which adds to both the pressure and resentment.

Remember, OP, you are ILL and need to put yourself first for a change. x

Ah, just spotted your post re your FIL being a controlling old curmudgeon who refuses help from any but for free family.

Well, his normal dogsbody is too ill post-surgery to pander to this. You picking it up has impacted your health, so I think the level of serfdom assistance he can expect will just have to drop. If he won't pay for have a cleaner in then it's just going to have to slide permanently for a while. There's a sying 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. So changes have to be made. Time to point out to him that you and DH can get ill and so there will be times he'll need to make other arrangements. If he CHOOSES not to, then he is an adult and that is HIS choice. He has autonomy, it would be rude to override it .

Seriously, he (and you and DH) need to consider how his needs will be met when you and DH cannot do it all for him. And I do mean needs, not preferences. You must not sacrifice your health to his care. Because again - if you and DH are so ill that it is physically impossible, he will HAVE to change.

I really feel for you. I work round my daughters shifts in the NHS and it cuts me off from a lot of things. Yes do read Dr Mosley book. And do you check your own blood sugars ? I have been recently diagnosed with type 2 and am trying to get my blood sugars down with diet and exercise. But I do get the feeling from my husband that the only use for my existence is to look after the DGC.
Get a gym break sounds like a good idea. Then put your foot down, gently.

On the whole you all seem to have given really helpful and tactful advice. My heart goes out to you Caramac.

It is almost certain that your health is the cause of a lot of the grumpiness and bad moods. Please make sure you see the GP before you do anything else. The DDs, their sprogs etc., come next. It's you or them. What would they do if you become too ill to help any of them? They have to remember that none of us are getting any younger, and no longer have the energy to do all sorts...

I understand that exercise is good for diabetes, and for one's mental wellbeing. Carry on if you can.

S.d the tidiness of the house - it is only a house! You and its inhabitants are far more important. And don't apologise for it being untidy/dirty/messy!

It's very hard to say No.
Have a think about the bits you enjoy and do those, and try to offload some of the others.like others have said get one of you dd to pick up grandad. Could he afford someone to do his washing and ironing?
Maybe if your blood sugar is all over the place that could add to your grumpiness,I know it does with a lot of folk with diabetes.
About 10 years ago I was in a similar position and Then I got ill with heart problems,that's what made me slow down a bit.Dont wait to sort it,do something Now!

Lots of good advice on here Caramac. What you describe is me before the stroke so do take heed! Your own space is vital for your health and well being and is purely common sense so don't give up on it. (((hugs)))
I don't think takingthemick was being harsh at all since there is no actual mention of the DGC's dads. If they are capable then rope 'em in! Everyone needs to pull together and ensure that nobody in the family is being over-burdened.

I think you have had lots of really good advice which will be very helpful. Probably just being able to share your thoughts is as important as anything else. I really admire your commitment and courage. I hope you get to have a good Christmas with your family

I think many adult children continue to think of their Mum as still the energetic person she was when they were growing up. And husbands. So we need to point out to them the changes we experience. I probably did this with my own Mum, looking back. Until she had a stroke at 83. Now I'm getting on a bit (a lot) I feel rather guilty about that.
Perhaps, first decide yourself what you feel up to doing now,make a list, then get your children together and try to explain this to them. Also to FIL. Try to reach a compromise.

FIL seems to be one of the key problems. I understand where he's coming from - he probably thinks carers will steal/not treat him as you do/pander to his needs. He needs your DH to speak to him and explain you can't be torn everyway. The other problem seems to be the idea your house needs to be visitor ready. If they're friends you could ask them to do something while visiting DH when you're out. Including bringing along a suitable lunch. Cut down on the swimming lessons temporarily. Sit down with your DDs and explain .. and point out your previously successful attempts to manage diabetes without medication isn't working.

Several issues. I too used to help other family and always put them first. It took years of medical people telling me I ve got to give time for myself as a priority because if I don't look after myself I won't be well enough to look after anyone at all. It's a total necessity to enable yourself to keep going. I can't stress enough! Prioritise what u need to keep going, whether it is exercise time or just a regular time out, then fit in others round that . Explain you have been told to keep going you need regular time out, and if you get ill it could take a long time before you re well enough to help out.
The other thing is diabetes. I've had to learn a lot in a short time as my husband is now recently diagnosed. Exercise is an enormous part of looking after diabetes! I'd no idea it was vital but it is. As well as diet and any med. you need medically proved to need exercise regularly for diabetes. And it could account for bad moods if not done!
If you find , like me, it's really hard to say no, practice what you ve got to say, make it short , and use the broken record technique by just saying the same thing each time. Something like " my doctor has told me I need to do regular exercise for my diabetes, and to have regular time out in order for me to keep going and help you. So, from now on I ll be at the gym every ............. From ...... Till ............ Give yourself a break and just do it!

I recognise these feelings so well - you can tell yourself till you're blue in the face, and others will also tell you, that it's precisely because you're so dependable that people take you for granted, but it's much harder to change the situation than it is to acknowledge it. I have been interested to note that both Jesus and the Buddha recognised the importance of loving yourself. as well as 'your neighbour' or 'every sentient being' as they put it respectively, so it's clear that this dilemma must have presented itself to people even 2,500 years ago. It is all too easy to think that we are only really helping others if we forget ourselves, which we've often brought up to see as selfish. But I have found remembering what these two great spiritual teachers said has helped me take action and to ask for help. I had radiotherapy and chemotherapy nearly 44 years ago, and though my cancer is now very old news, the resulting damage to my body from the treatment, which couldn't have been predicted, is not. I can now walk only with difficulty, can't hold my head up straight, and have nerve damage which means I can't feel my feet and often lose my balance and fall. I''m 67, but am less capable around the house than my husband's mother, who will be 100 in two weeks' time. So I have had no alternative but to cut back on some of my 'stalwartness', chip away at my sense that my identity depends on 'being there for other people whenever they need me' and ask for help for myself. I feel ashamed when I don't offer to move the chairs after a meeting, or to wash up after a U3A group meeting at my house, or even when I have to ask someone else to bring their own tea through to the sitting room - I feel ashamed even though I know that I would probably fall over and break the china or spill hot tea into a friend's lap. But I've had to learn not to let that habitual shame stop me letting people know that I need help, and more importantly, I've discovered how happy other are to help me in their turn. Just as I like to be appreciated, so do they.

All this is a very long-winded way of saying that your feelings are very understandable, and probably common to many of us, but that this doesn't mean that you can't take the matter into your own hands by reframing the situation, even though it requires quite a considerable amount of emotional effort and faith in your fellow human beings.

And as someone with diabetes (Type 2) myself, I would feel more than a little grumpy if the demands of others meant that I wasn't able to take the action I needed to control my own health. Your family needs to know that if you can't get to the gym as often as you have found helpful, you will be at greater risk of going blind, losing your feet, and having to go on dialysis. They wouldn't want that on their consciences, would they? They would be far more likely to say "Why didn't you tell us?" than to call you selfish. Tell them - I'm right behind you! Good luck, and make sure you let make everyone muck in at Christmas. Have a happy one!