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AIBU

To feel like I'm bottom of the list ALL the time?

(65 Posts)
Caramac Sun 04-Dec-16 11:15:48

I'm feeling really fed up as I've had to give up my pre-paid very expensive 10 week gym package due to looking after dgc (I buy extra leave from work to help out) more hours than I used to, poor DH is temporarily laid up and needs lots of help ( e.g. Packed lunches on my work days) and therefore cannot do the errands etc for his elderly father so that now falls to me as he is an only child. I am also trying to keep the house 'visitor ready' as friends are ad hoc popping in to make DH a drink and to chat whilst I'm at work. My health is usually brilliant but I have diabetes which I'm struggling to control and GP has called me in. I think I'm going to be prescribed insulin. I am irritable and grumpy, resentful at times and that's not me. The DGC are delightful mostly, less so when their mothers , my DD's are here. I'm dreading Christmas when everyone is here. My usual wine and music in the kitchen grinis out as I will have to transport FIL (who I don't really like tbh) or his dinner if he declines to come round. I also pay and take all 3 DGC swimming lessons on 2 differ days. I was moaning a bit I suppose when eldest DD (single mum, works) basically said if it's too much don't do it. That wasn't my point and she knows it plus she would not manage without me. I just want 3 - 4 hours a week gym time.

Caramac Fri 23-Dec-16 10:34:13

Anya
Yes that's the stuff. My levels aren't yet in normal range but definitely improved. Plus my appetite has decreased so that will help too. I am thrilled grin

Annierose Fri 23-Dec-16 08:01:20

Caramac, although you are doing a huge amount of stuff, I had wondered if it was the diabetes which was making you feel so bad, so am glad that is on its way to improving!
However, there has been some good advice which i hope you are able to take on.
Of course, any of us can see how your childcare obligations place you, and indeed for parents who do not work set hours, childcare can be very difficult.
I am not sure (haven't read all posts in detail) if anyone has suggested that you talk to the gym. A lot are struggling at the moment - they won't advertise flexibility but will sometimes be helpful if you explain - I have twice asked for and been given flexible & helpful arrangements.My own gym (admittedly in a relatively poor area) does 'carnets' so you get a reduction on individual sessions without paying a membership fee.
I also wonder if there are other, more flexible ways of achieving what you want from your gym membership. For instance (and I do see that it wouldn't suit everyone) I now have a 1-to-1 pilates lesson once every 4-6 weeks (ยฃ40) to keep me on track and in the meantime,do my own pilates at home.

And I completely agree with those who say FiL must be responsible for himself - although it might be helpful if you explained everything that you have to be responsible for, as in my experience, some 'elderly' (!) people get tunnel vision about the rest of the family!

Anya Fri 23-Dec-16 07:23:04

A new therapeutic option for the treatment of type 2 diabetes is available to be prescribed by healthcare professionals for their patients in the UK.

Trulicity (dulaglutide) is to be taken as a once-weekly injectable solution and is designed to improve glycaemic (blood sugar) control in adults with type 2 diabetes.

I don't have diabetes, but I know those who do. This is a very interesting development Caramac I'm sure other sufferers will be interested in this.

Anya Fri 23-Dec-16 07:07:04

A once weekly for njection to improve blood sugar?

Caramac Fri 23-Dec-16 01:06:55

Just an update - A Christmas Miracle has occurred!
Long story short- I have been prescribed a once weekly injection to improve my blood glucose and which replaces 21 tablets per week.
Literally within hours of injecting I felt so much better. My husband even said he'd missed me and was glad I was back. grin
I know I still need to address some issues but I am really so much better it's amazing.
Happy Christmas everyone ๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„

Caramac Mon 05-Dec-16 21:41:14

Thank you all for your comments, they have all been very useful. Despite a very busy weekend and a long day at work (finished at 8pm) , I am feeling much better. DH and DS had even managed to cook dinner for us all grin thank goodness as I was starving grin
I do recognise that I am to blame for some of my difficulties but I am hopeful things will improve.
FIL won't change but has said nothing required Christmas Day so that's easier (I must not feel guilty)
When talking with eldest DD my point was I felt sorry that my youngest DD cannot have a set day off so is often paying 3 days childcare fees whilst only utilising 2 days and I pick up an extra (2 days instead of 1) it's complicated but the childminder can't offer floating days. Her partner works long hours in a low paid job with 2 hours traveling each day. Eldest daughter partner is ex thank goodness (DV) and doesn't pay any support .
I have made things as they are I know so in hindsight IWBU
I've loved your comments and some have made me laugh. It's good to share smile

FarNorth Mon 05-Dec-16 20:12:25

You just want 3-4 hours a week gym time. Santa is not going to arrange it for you.
Speak to your family members and get it sorted out.

Your DD said 'If it's too much don't do it'. 'That wasn't my point' you say. What was your point, then?

Diddy1 Mon 05-Dec-16 19:49:12

Caramac you are a wonderful person, helping everyone, but it is time to cut down on this and think of YOURSELF, you must have your "own time" its really important, so get someone else to sort things, I am sure they will, and have your sessions at the Gym, then things will start to get better,and Have a Happy and Carefree Christmas xx

stillaliveandkicking Mon 05-Dec-16 19:44:17

Id suggest that as nice as you are you stop being a martyr. Tell people what you can and can't do.

luluaugust Mon 05-Dec-16 17:27:52

Having re-read your post I think you are saying you work as well as all this care. I know you know you are trying to do far too much no wonder you are so upset and the diabetes is playing up. I guess if you tell the GP everything you are trying to do they will say you have to unload something and its not your gym package. flowers

thatbags Mon 05-Dec-16 17:26:07

I've been reading this thread and, as well as appreciating all the good advice the OP has been given, I've been thinking that, except where there is actual bullying, one can only be always at the bottom of the pile if one allows it to happen. There is no indication of bullying in the OP as far as I can see. Stop giving in to demands that you'd rather not give in to, caramac.

joannewton46 Mon 05-Dec-16 17:22:35

It never ceases to amaze me just how much childcare grandparents are EXPECTED to do. You seem to be caring for 3 generations AND holding down a job. Caramac, I salute you!

Can husband not do anything to help? eg preparing veg for dinner slowly and while sitting down?

Can daughter (or HER partner) pay for additional childcare so you have your gym session (why should you have to buy time out of work to care for grandkids?

Can FiL not have a taxi occasionally, or maybe your daughter could collect and return him home?

You definitely deserve some time for you. I appreciate that you want to help the family but if you become ill, they will have to cope. If I'm being charitable I would suggest that your relatives don't appreciate how you feel and would be prepared to do more if they did. Not being charitable I suggest you're being exploited.

David1968 Mon 05-Dec-16 16:19:41

Dear Caramac, other grans-netters have offered you some good advice here, so I'll just add this. How about in the New Year, you let everyone know (possibly in writing!) that next Christmas you'll be doing exactly what you want to (just with DH?) - and this might even be a hotel break or a holiday in the sun! And that in 2017 someone else will need to "host" the whole Christmas event - and that maybe, just maybe, (if it suits you), you'll come along as a guest!

Lyndie Mon 05-Dec-16 15:50:02

Caramac. . What about the Dad of your GC? Can he help or pay for childcare? You need me time.

petalmoore Mon 05-Dec-16 15:34:23

I recognise these feelings so well - you can tell yourself till you're blue in the face, and others will also tell you, that it's precisely because you're so dependable that people take you for granted, but it's much harder to change the situation than it is to acknowledge it. I have been interested to note that both Jesus and the Buddha recognised the importance of loving yourself. as well as 'your neighbour' or 'every sentient being' as they put it respectively, so it's clear that this dilemma must have presented itself to people even 2,500 years ago. It is all too easy to think that we are only really helping others if we forget ourselves, which we've often brought up to see as selfish. But I have found remembering what these two great spiritual teachers said has helped me take action and to ask for help. I had radiotherapy and chemotherapy nearly 44 years ago, and though my cancer is now very old news, the resulting damage to my body from the treatment, which couldn't have been predicted, is not. I can now walk only with difficulty, can't hold my head up straight, and have nerve damage which means I can't feel my feet and often lose my balance and fall. I''m 67, but am less capable around the house than my husband's mother, who will be 100 in two weeks' time. So I have had no alternative but to cut back on some of my 'stalwartness', chip away at my sense that my identity depends on 'being there for other people whenever they need me' and ask for help for myself. I feel ashamed when I don't offer to move the chairs after a meeting, or to wash up after a U3A group meeting at my house, or even when I have to ask someone else to bring their own tea through to the sitting room - I feel ashamed even though I know that I would probably fall over and break the china or spill hot tea into a friend's lap. But I've had to learn not to let that habitual shame stop me letting people know that I need help, and more importantly, I've discovered how happy other are to help me in their turn. Just as I like to be appreciated, so do they.

All this is a very long-winded way of saying that your feelings are very understandable, and probably common to many of us, but that this doesn't mean that you can't take the matter into your own hands by reframing the situation, even though it requires quite a considerable amount of emotional effort and faith in your fellow human beings.

And as someone with diabetes (Type 2) myself, I would feel more than a little grumpy if the demands of others meant that I wasn't able to take the action I needed to control my own health. Your family needs to know that if you can't get to the gym as often as you have found helpful, you will be at greater risk of going blind, losing your feet, and having to go on dialysis. They wouldn't want that on their consciences, would they? They would be far more likely to say "Why didn't you tell us?" than to call you selfish. Tell them - I'm right behind you! Good luck, and make sure you let make everyone muck in at Christmas. Have a happy one!

mags1234 Mon 05-Dec-16 15:30:42

Several issues. I too used to help other family and always put them first. It took years of medical people telling me I ve got to give time for myself as a priority because if I don't look after myself I won't be well enough to look after anyone at all. It's a total necessity to enable yourself to keep going. I can't stress enough! Prioritise what u need to keep going, whether it is exercise time or just a regular time out, then fit in others round that . Explain you have been told to keep going you need regular time out, and if you get ill it could take a long time before you re well enough to help out.
The other thing is diabetes. I've had to learn a lot in a short time as my husband is now recently diagnosed. Exercise is an enormous part of looking after diabetes! I'd no idea it was vital but it is. As well as diet and any med. you need medically proved to need exercise regularly for diabetes. And it could account for bad moods if not done!
If you find , like me, it's really hard to say no, practice what you ve got to say, make it short , and use the broken record technique by just saying the same thing each time. Something like " my doctor has told me I need to do regular exercise for my diabetes, and to have regular time out in order for me to keep going and help you. So, from now on I ll be at the gym every ............. From ...... Till ............ Give yourself a break and just do it!

alchemilla Mon 05-Dec-16 15:17:12

FIL seems to be one of the key problems. I understand where he's coming from - he probably thinks carers will steal/not treat him as you do/pander to his needs. He needs your DH to speak to him and explain you can't be torn everyway. The other problem seems to be the idea your house needs to be visitor ready. If they're friends you could ask them to do something while visiting DH when you're out. Including bringing along a suitable lunch. Cut down on the swimming lessons temporarily. Sit down with your DDs and explain .. and point out your previously successful attempts to manage diabetes without medication isn't working.

TriciaF Mon 05-Dec-16 14:19:01

I think many adult children continue to think of their Mum as still the energetic person she was when they were growing up. And husbands. So we need to point out to them the changes we experience. I probably did this with my own Mum, looking back. Until she had a stroke at 83. Now I'm getting on a bit (a lot) I feel rather guilty about that.
Perhaps, first decide yourself what you feel up to doing now,make a list, then get your children together and try to explain this to them. Also to FIL. Try to reach a compromise.

nancyma Mon 05-Dec-16 13:34:15

I think you have had lots of really good advice which will be very helpful. Probably just being able to share your thoughts is as important as anything else. I really admire your commitment and courage. I hope you get to have a good Christmas with your family

Synonymous Mon 05-Dec-16 13:11:13

Lots of good advice on here Caramac. What you describe is me before the stroke so do take heed! Your own space is vital for your health and well being and is purely common sense so don't give up on it. flowers (((hugs)))
I don't think takingthemick was being harsh at all since there is no actual mention of the DGC's dads. If they are capable then rope 'em in! Everyone needs to pull together and ensure that nobody in the family is being over-burdened.

Caroline123 Mon 05-Dec-16 12:57:42

It's very hard to say No.
Have a think about the bits you enjoy and do those, and try to offload some of the others.like others have said get one of you dd to pick up grandad. Could he afford someone to do his washing and ironing?
Maybe if your blood sugar is all over the place that could add to your grumpiness,I know it does with a lot of folk with diabetes.
About 10 years ago I was in a similar position and Then I got ill with heart problems,that's what made me slow down a bit.Dont wait to sort it,do something Now!

grandMattie Mon 05-Dec-16 11:39:44

On the whole you all seem to have given really helpful and tactful advice. My heart goes out to you Caramac. flowers

It is almost certain that your health is the cause of a lot of the grumpiness and bad moods. Please make sure you see the GP before you do anything else. The DDs, their sprogs etc., come next. It's you or them. What would they do if you become too ill to help any of them? They have to remember that none of us are getting any younger, and no longer have the energy to do all sorts...

I understand that exercise is good for diabetes, and for one's mental wellbeing. Carry on if you can.

S.d the tidiness of the house - it is only a house! You and its inhabitants are far more important. And don't apologise for it being untidy/dirty/messy!

loopyloo Mon 05-Dec-16 11:30:28

I really feel for you. I work round my daughters shifts in the NHS and it cuts me off from a lot of things. Yes do read Dr Mosley book. And do you check your own blood sugars ? I have been recently diagnosed with type 2 and am trying to get my blood sugars down with diet and exercise. But I do get the feeling from my husband that the only use for my existence is to look after the DGC.
Get a gym break sounds like a good idea. Then put your foot down, gently.

Jinty44 Mon 05-Dec-16 11:12:38

Ah, just spotted your post re your FIL being a controlling old curmudgeon who refuses help from any but for free family.

Well, his normal dogsbody is too ill post-surgery to pander to this. You picking it up has impacted your health, so I think the level of serfdom assistance he can expect will just have to drop. If he won't pay for have a cleaner in then it's just going to have to slide permanently for a while. There's a sying 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. So changes have to be made. Time to point out to him that you and DH can get ill and so there will be times he'll need to make other arrangements. If he CHOOSES not to, then he is an adult and that is HIS choice. He has autonomy, it would be rude to override it wink.

Seriously, he (and you and DH) need to consider how his needs will be met when you and DH cannot do it all for him. And I do mean needs, not preferences. You must not sacrifice your health to his care. Because again - if you and DH are so ill that it is physically impossible, he will HAVE to change.

gettingonabit Mon 05-Dec-16 11:09:12

I think we all try to do too much at Christmas, don't we? I like the "bring a dish" idea. I've never had a real tree, so not about to start now! I like the taxi idea too, if you can get one.

I think thoughtless people become even more thoughtless at Xmas, which adds to both the pressure and resentment.

Remember, OP, you are ILL and need to put yourself first for a change. x flowers