Sharing Christmas

It's a minefield but it seems a shame you have to wake up and spend the whole day on your own when you want to see your son and his family.

It looks like a compromise is in order. You say you don't want an OTT Christmas but others like to celebrate. What about going over for Christmas lunch which provides a focus without causing trouble? You don't have to stay either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day evening but would spend as much (or as little) time as you wanted with others.

I think MarySunshine is naturally upset that at first she was invited to spend an overnight Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with her first DGC then she was cancelled and cancelled so that the other GPs and family could monopolise the new family. That is sheer bad manners to invite someone over (for any reason) and then cancel to be replaced by more favoured people.
I am not so sure that she should just accept this and say nothing. I am not the pushy type. I sat and waited for a Christmas invitation. 15 years I waited. Through 2 different sets of in laws (My DD changed partners). I don't know if my DD keeps picking more forceful partners and/or inmlaws.
It is coming up to my 17th Christmas as a Grandparent and for the last two Christmases I have not waited for an invitation nor have I issued any invitations.
It is actually a relief to have accepted that I am not the favoured one and just get on with what I want to do.
It would be nice to have the full family Christmas and it would be fairer to take turns but some people are more forward than others and I think it is not something MarySunshine should allow to become par for the course. The DIL cant expect to throw MIL out of the bed (Metaphorically) in favour of her own family. That is rude and ignorant, not in the spirit of Christmas.
Whatever happens MarySunshine do something that you want to do, this is a very unfortunate situation

I don't think its fair to have a pop at her feeling sorry for herself, I would never let my Mum in Law spend Christmas alone, me and my husband always make sure that both sides of the family are treated equally. Yes, I would speak to your son and tell him how you feel, why keep it bottled up, don't have to be nasty, maybe even write it down. My DIL is lovely but as most, tends to always choose her family, I completely understand why, that doesn't mean it makes it fair, and I have explained, very nicely, with a bit of cake and me looking after the kids, that I love her as much as I do my son, and the kids are everything, and ever since I have, its been much better. No-one should be alone Christmas. I love my time alone, have spent many years as a single mum, now I have Grandchildren, I want to see them, spoil them, and not miss a moment.

Thought our arrangements in place, then had call from future dil last night rejigging. Hey ho! everyone entitled to have own Christmas in the way that suits them. That's my mantra and I'm sticking to it. As others have said, it's not worth stress or boat rocking.

As others have said, this baby doesn't belong to you, or the other grandparents. I fear that you will only make things very difficult for yourself and possibly your son, if you try to guilt trip him into changing the Christmas arrangements at this stage. This won't end well!

My dgc are 7000 miles away, I have only ever spent 1 Christmas with them because of the difficulties and cost of travelling. I would absolutely love to see them regularly, but sadly we only meet up once a year for a couple of weeks in the summer.

The other thing to say is that a small baby will not really understand Christmas at all. Next year will be a much better time to spend Christmas Day with the family. If you're understanding now, maybe your son will go into bat on your behalf next year.

My advice is be nice and keep a low profile now and play the long game. Hopefully you will have many opportunities to be with your dgc in the future. If you fall out with your dil, you could find yourself very isolated.

It is one day! Unless you are religious it is no more significant than any other day. Let the OTT people have their time and then get a couple of days with GC at a less hectic time w hen you will have more serene and quality time together.

We are all coerced into believing that some days are more quality than others, they aren't.

Your son is doing his best but really he is between the rock and a hard place.

Give him a break and sit this one out.

They may have a big bust up on the day and you won't be in it, plenty of family arguments happen at Christmas, all that hype followed by stress and anti climax.

MarySunshine, I feel sorry for you but realise once your kids grow up and get married it's a different world. I have a wonderful daughter-in-law who invites me all the time and will spend Christmas with her, my son and DGD plus so many other friends and family. Rachael is a one-off and even my doctor says what a wonderful girl she is!! There will be hundreds of old people alone at Christmas. My heart goes out to them that is why every year I donate to Crisis to make sure 2 people who live on the streets get Christmas dinner plus all the pampering of showers, hair cuts and everything else. MarySunshine please have a quiet Christmas on your own. I will think about you. If you lived near me I would take you with me. Happy Christmas and a happy New Year to you all. Smile

Do you want to spend Christmas Day alone?.. If not then there will be plenty of Community type lunches going on that day which are specifically for people on their own. I am actually getting involved with the cooking for one near Bristol. .so don't let the thought of going along put you off. ..It will be a time of sharing a nice meal and meeting new people too!

Comments on my views are welcome at least it shows I am still in the land of the living.

I don't see Christmas Day as different to any other day as far as family are concerned. I see my darling grandchildren all through the year. I just don't get why seeing them on Christmas Day is any different to seeing them on another day. I have had invites for Christmas Day but have chosen to spend it alone. I will be going to a family meal Christmas Eve with youngest and her family and son in law's mum and dad. I have work on Boxing Day.

Sorry going on a bit... Just saying...enjoy the days you have with your new grandchild...you will have loads of wonderful times all through the year...

I'm lucky then, my daughter died and my son is a JW. Always a bright side to tragedy.

Mary Sunshine If you have relatives to share Christmas with no matter in what way be thankfull you have relatives.
There are thousands like myself all over the world who have no relatives in which to share anything with let alone Christmas.
Give a thought to those of us in a position we can do nothing about while you are having your petty grievances because some one elses ideas do not fit in with what you want.

Oh, and Dee.... I totally agree.... We bring our DC into the world and want them to be independent and so often you see parents expecting their children to bend over backwards trying to please everyone..... I'm still in the middle, having an aged mother, adult children with DGC and still a 13 year old DS! I love them all dearly, but I do feel manipulated by my mother at times... she is very ill and has become demanding. I've told mine to shove me in a home if I become a problem....can't wait It isn't always fun being a grown up, but there are so many wonderful things and the most magical of all is the independence we give our children to move out into the world, without us! If they WANT to see/speak to us that is absolutely wonderful; but I always think that if they are crap at keeping in contact, it's because they are fine, and don't actually need us. And that's how it should be!!

I have the same problem every year, this year the baby's first like yours
I'm in my 60s husband in his 70s like you we just want to be a small part
so we suggested to my daughter that we would not see them Christmas
But we would make our own with her and baby after but that has just made
An atmosphere.
She can't talk to her husband about it as he sulks and does not talk to her
For days.
So Sadley we will accept Christmas as it is, we have had ours with our children
Christmas always pulls families apart it's just not worth the stress

I do feel for you MarySunshine... it is hard when you feel left out. I have 5 children, four grown up, three with children. Lat year, although I saw #1 and #2 DDs, but they spent the main part of the day with their respective inlaws. I was with my aged mother, my 13 year old son and my brother. I was dreading it, but it was fine... and it was nice for me and my son to come home when we wanted and just chill in front of the tv. This year, my eldest DD has invited us all to hers.... it'll be manic! My other children live on the mainland - I am on a rock in the Atlantic, off the Cornish coast!! - so didn't see my elder DS or my youngest DD. But, you know, Christmas is only one day.... but the Christmas season is much longer. Don't tie yourself up in knots... have a wonderful time with the family on Christmas Eve, go to midnight mass, sing carols and drink sherry!! On Christmas day, treat yourself.... sit and eat and drink whatever you want to, go for a walk. See if any of your friends are on their own and maybe meet up with them. Say to your son, that NEXT year (when your DGC will be more into Christmas) you would like to prebook the day with them Can you bag the spare room? and maybe your DILs parents - if they are still going - can get a taxi home day and you can (if you want) as it will be YOUR turn!!
Please don't be sad.... xx

I think I am going to have no choice but to point out that the baby 'belongs' to this Nan as well! Er no, this baby belongs to his parents and you have no claim on it. Grandparents (particularly in laws) are at the back of the queue. Pointing it out will probably just distance you further from "this girl".
Im a bit of a Bah humbug Maybe this is why you DIL prefers her family?
I really think it unfair that they are now there Christmas Eve too. Life isn't fair.
Perhaps you could drive over on Xmas morning to see the family? Maybe you could ask your DIL if you can have first dibs next Christmas when baby is is far more aware of what is going on. It is hard when you are an "In Law" because it seems you always come second. My DIL and I had a fantastic relationship, she even wanted me there at the birth but her mother died this year and now she can't bear to see me or me to see my GC because it's not fair that her mother isn't around to see him. There is nothing I can do about that except hope she comes to accept things as they are instead of what she wants them to be.

Two words really rang alarm bells for me, 'entitled' and 'belong'.
I feel very strongly that our children and grandchildren do not belong to us.
We bring children into the world and it is our job to love them and guide them so they can become well rounded, happy members of society and then we let them go.
I would hate to think that either of my children spent time with me out of a sense of duty and though I love to see them I don't think I am entitled to.

We have a big family get-together on Christmas Eve at my brother's house. In previous years when it's been ex SIL's turn to have DGS he has picked him up from there in the afternoon. However this year he's having DGS from 21-18 Dec , so we're going to do early Christmas at my house, but DGS won't get to see the rest of the family as they'll all be working.
I find this upsetting, as Christmas is about the only time DGS gets to see the rest of our side of the family, and now it seems he'll only ever get to see them alternate years

Well done you storynanny very magnanimous of you.
I understand it's hard for any grandparents who feel left out, especially if they live on their own, and wish their DC and in-laws had a little more thoughfulness.
to the OP.....next year invite them to your house for Christmas Day, do it very early, say September, and see what happens?

I do understand your disappointment. My eldest son has spent the last 11 Christmas days with his partner, now wife s family miles away from me. I have posted in the past about it.
I have come to terms with it. I have come to realise that he simply doesn't think same way as I do just because he is my offspring if you see what I mean. He says his wife wants to be with her mum and dad, he wants to be with her end of story. And I feel certain it will be the same if and when they have children as it is already the scenario for the I laws other daughter and children. Just because I wouldn't be like that with my family doesn't mean he has to have the same views.

I still feel a little bit annoyed that his I laws don't make a bit more effort to share it out a bit but I have decided several years ago it wasn't worth a big falling out over as it is only a day.
Everyone is different is my constant mantra.

Good posts anno and j52.

MarySunshine I can see exactly where you are coming from. As a mother of two DSs I have had similar moments, but to say anything certainly would be the road to disaster. They are their own family unit and lead their lives as such.

Try not to dwell on the situation, which in reality won't be changed, certainly without bad feeling on someone's part.
Have you tried writing your feelings down and then destroying the piece of paper? I find that doing this really does help my emotions and makes things seem better.

As others have said, Christmas Day is only one day and soon passes, the baby will know no different. Personally, I love the toddler stage and their wonderment at the festivities. I'm sure you will have many wonderful Christmasses to come, but tread very carefully now and look after your emotional health.

I'm not a granny so I guess not really qualified to speak, but the baby doesn't "belong" to you nor the other set of grandparents for that matter. There does seem to be quite a lot of hostile language in your posts. Please don't pursue this. I see disaster looming.

He doesn't have to compromise though. You don't actually have any claim on him or their baby.
If they have a couple have made these plans then that is it. Do you think guilt tripping him will go down well?
Or do you think it will annoy the adults and make them push you further away?

Annodomini whilst I agree with you that is now their family home, I am their family too. If my son said to me he wanted this Christmas alone with his girlfriend and baby I would happily accept that. But as her family are regularly staying overnight then I see no reason why I shouldnt do the same sometimes.
Ive always welcomed this girl into my life and tried to befriend her by inviting her here when my son is at work. She always calls off any arrangements at the last minute. I offer to babysit then find her Mum is over there babysitting. I know this sounds like Im some 'clingy' mother who cant let go of my son yet that is far from the way it really is.

FarNorth Yes that is what I would like to happen but Im slowly losing heart here. I am going to talk to him on Saturday when I see him and let him know how hurt and pushed out this has made me feel. I will ask him what he thinks a reasonable compromise will be. Maybe her Grandad would postpone joining them until Christmas day and I could have the sofa.. We shall see