Help with 'Sortng Out' before move

I appreciate how difficult all this can be as I have moved twice in last 6 years, first with DH from large 4 bed house to 2 bed Park home, luckily we had a spare room & garage so could take anything we weren't sure about & sort out later.

My move 2 years ago (after death of DH) was harder & finally quicker, cash buyer, move within 3 weeks, no home to go to.

Luckily I was moving to be nearer DD so 2 weeks accomodation no problem. Little time to sort out as I was putting everything into storage. Removal Company packed my ornaments, china & glassware.

My DD, her OH & I sorted everything out from storage unit to my new home (1 bed Park Home), sold, Charity Shop, re-cycled or "tip".

My advice would be with photos, if you're having a storage unit, take all of them (save time). Take your DH's clothes to a Charity Shop (hard I know) & try to sort the rest as well as possible. Some excellent suggestions on here. I hope you get through this difficult time

I think my problem isn't the sorting out or the move, but the fact that she has changed her plans which have affected me more than she would ever appreciate. When you live on your own arrangements become set in stone and any change is a disappointment.
Yes they come back to me on the Monday for 3 days having had b&b with me on the Friday en route for Inverness. She had originally 'promised' me a week, so I suppose I am just disappointed. I am quite capable of doing the whole b****y lot on my own but feel a bit of help not to mention encouragement, especially with the heavy stuff, would be good. I shall allocate her the garage and the garden shed and will also ask her to come on the actual move day in April. I am sure SiL will cope with the boys for a couple of days.
Thanks sugarpuff. It's good to have a bit of solidarity and understanding! I am in Fife btw.

This time last year I was in a very similar situation so I really do feel for you, dear Marmight. I would feel miffed, in fact I felt it several times as my beloved children never seemed to have time to help me but thought nothing of landing on me when they needed something. It's traumatic enough without feeling you are doing it all by yourself and I think it was the most stressful thing I've had to do without DH.

I can't think of any useful suggestions. When do you think you have to be out of the house? I wish I lived nearer so I could come and help out.

I also feel for you Marmite. Moving is simply ghastly. My husband and I have just sold our house and packed, got rid of, sorted out etc. after 35 years in the same place. I found selling stressful and overwhelmed by the packing up. The only good thing to come out of it was I lost 6 kilos!!! You feel as if nothing will come together but it does in the end, and the feeling of off loading all that accumulated junk and 'stuff' - and believe me that is all it is - was wonderful. Lots of people offered to help but my husband and I managed. But if people offer - accept. Perhaps your daughter can stay with you and her husband can take the kids and spend time with his family without you. We gave lots to the SPCA, Hospice and another children's charity. They were delighted and fetched everything.

Your DD may not realise the scale of the job and so allocated it just 1 day. I would ring her and ask if you can talk frankly. Then tell her you are feeling emotional about going through all the stuff as you know it will churn up memories, many will be be happy but still some sad as DH no longer here and some of his stuff will need clearing out. Ask if she can get DSiL to take kids to his parents and can she focus on being there for you. Tell her it would mean so much to you.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. What I would do is say I am moving. If you don't come and help and take anything that belongs to you away I will give it to charity or the bin men. That should make them sit up and pay attention. To say you will help then arrange to go visiting during that time is incredibly selfish imo.

I have just been having a clear out. Not because I am moving but because we are changing our bedroom around and getting new furniture. It spurred us on to do more clearing and de cluttering because you really hoard a lot over the years. We were travelling with the Armed Forces so we had 15 clear outs before OH retired. You will never forget the good times and if they don't mean much to the children why should they use your house as a storage place? That sounds so hard but it is the truth.

Good luck, You are not being selfish wishing to have her to yourself. I hope you all can agree to much in and make it a positive move for you.

typo: muck in sorry!

Hello Marmight...Anything I can do to help?
I'm sure I'm not alone among the Edinburgh meet-up GransNetters to want to offer whatever help you'd find useful....e.g. driving stuff to charity shops, the tip or whatever.
It was trying to do too much myself on my last move just over 6 years ago that resulted in damage to my spine. Too much heavy lifting. So learn from my experience if you will and please ask for help!
In the meantime ....Do please get in touch.
Spine now repaired, incidentally

Hi Marmite
I am over the other side of the country Glasgow/Paisley area.

I understand the disappointment of DD promising to help then going off to spend time elsewhere. It is hard but sometimes I dont think our children see that we are different now. I hate trying to take out the garden bin it is so big and often heavy and they cant inderstand why I find it hard. I am older now. Another thing maybe that they dont want us to be older
SPF

Many thanks for all the offers. I may well be in touch ..... Just found a box with among other things, a copy of the beautiful eulogy given by a friend at John's funeral. I haven't seen it since that day, and stupidly I read it so now in bits and given up on any sorting for today. I think the gin bottle is calling so am off to slob on the sofa and watch some catch up telly - oh the decadence of widowhood ? ?

I found a declutterer through APDO and she takes everything away with her. Recycling rubbish charity shop etc. Extremely good service for the cost and they are not emotionally involved so gently move you on faster than if you were doing it yourself.

I suspect your DD has no idea of the impact on you of her decison to visit her DH's family. Are their cousins for your DGC to play with that may have made the visit important to them ?

I can understand your feeling of upset at this vulnerable time.

More (((hugs))) Marmight.

I know my girls would find it hard to deal with anything like this which will stir up so many emotional memories and I bet the two DDs who can't, are glad of the excuse. I imagine that is looming large for DD1 and she is trying to delay the inevitable.

I'd ring her now and let her know how upset you are to have found that particular box and to ask for her to be there for you. As you've coped so well, apparently, up to now she will probably be astounded that you feel like this and was worried that she would get too upset. I also think the young underestimate how much we oldies love our spouses/partners and I think you need to be honest - but not after a few gins or you might get to be too honest.

Not much help, but we are there with you in spirit at least!!

Marmight, this must be really hard. Just do the best you can, and when DD is there, remember it will be emotional for her, too. Hoping you can give each other comfort and support. And perhaps do some happy reminiscing as well.

We are all different! Why do you need help? Personally I wouldn't particularly want anyone else helping me sort through my house stuff.

When my parents died I dealt with their stuff. Some I kept, some I didn't. If you keep what is important to YOU then that is the main thing. You can say to family members that if they want anything they have to come and choose what they want, after of course you have decided what you want to keep for yourself and your needs.

Some of the charities are only too pleased to collect whatever you decide you don't want. Phone them to see what they say. Put what you don't want into one (or two) room so there is no confusion about what goes and what doesn't.

I assume you are continuing to live in the house. If you are not then there are house clearance people (see Yellow pages)who will be happy to remove everything and give you some money ( but not as much as you might have expected.) So your first priority is to set aside what YOU want to keep.

Freecycle is a good idea. Spread some good will!

Take your time. There is (presumably) no pressure to have it done by a certain date. But don't let the lack of a deadline enable you to put it off.

You seem to be doing very well, dealing with all the legal stuff. Excellent! So you can do it. And be stronger at the end for having done it yourself.

Hope it all goes well for you ! Moving out/moving on is difficult especially when you have been in your home so long ...maybe your D is having trouble coming to terms with what I assume is the moving/clearing of family stuff that is familiar to her from her childhood.

Im my case I have moved so many times I think all I have left of sentimental value now is a load of photographs ! When I left the UK I gave my daughter all the furniture for her student house ! ...she then managed to burn the house and all the contents to the ground ...but it was only stuff and she was ok which is the main thing ! Now I live in a house with my second husband and nothing here is of sentimental value to me (apart from a few wedding photos !) ...he will not part with anything however ! which is a problem ...... We were thinking of moving to a small retirement flat (he is 84 I am 70 ) but he said he wants to keep his workbench, his woodworking tools ,,,,all the old furniture ! So at the moment it is impasse ..I would simply get rid of the lot and start over ........I cleared my dad#s flat when he died ...contacted the Salvation Army to take anything they would like (but bear in mind now everything has to have fire certificates etc for any charity to take it ! Good idea on here ......maybe Age CConcern or a local charity could collect stuff ...safer than letting a load of strangers into your house perhaps ....house clearance people also collect (they don't pay, but if you just want rid of it like I did, might be an option !) Tell you D and SiL et al that you propose giving away anything and everything and that if there is something the would like then they will have to come and get it within 2 weeks or it is gone ! This may have the desired effect !

Good luck with whatever you decide !

I did this, with my old boys help a few years ago when we moved out of our home of over 35 years, it was hard enough and very emotional too. I have to say none of my lovely girls or my lovely son were any use at all in the process.
It must be so hard for anyone doing this alone and I think kitty has got it spot on, much as we love them our children don't always "get it" and just need to keep on thinking that we are invincible and as young as we always were. Good luck with it all x

I am so glad that, as someone upthread said, we are 'downsizing' without actually moving (from a 4 bed )house.We do not lack storage ... We are 66 and still quite fit and active . DDs have both bought property in the last year and any furniture they want is going to them and we are disposing of some .I have gone through the house in the last year and been quite ruthless in disposing of anything we no longer need/use and anything that doesn't 'work'..I have also put everything sentimental into one sizable very pretty box (big enough and strong enough to act as a seat in a bedroom).The DDs know they can just chuck it when I am gone.I have scanned old photgraphs and ditched about ten albums worth of them .I was never a kick knacks person (DH hates ornaments)but have kept only things of real significance .Sorted my books,pruned/replaced grotty kitchenware etc ...you get the picture.
This was prompted by the task of sorting through my mother in laws flat preparatory to sale ,when she went into a residential home. It took me a month working two hours most days and was quite emotionally upsetting .She had thrown nothing away when moving from a 4 bed house to a two bed flat (with lots of storage).My own mother was quite cold blooded (I thought at the time)getting rid of stuff and I found helping her quite upsetting. I 'rescued'my baby hairbrush and a few other things from the 'to go'pile.I understand now she was,rather bravely, drawing a line under 50 years in the same house,six years after my father's death.I do not want to subject my DDs to this
I suspect your DD finds the thought of ,in effect ,dismantling her family home and memories quite daunting ,especially as her siblings arent very involved .And possibly underestimating the time and effort involved.I think you just need to ask her straight out to give more time to helping you.

MARMITE....if you dont ASK for help you know, you won't get it. None of us have a crystal ball that helps us to see others needs. So ask her for help in very strong terms.... or you're gong to just burn the lot.
Very best wishes to you.

But she is coming to you for half term. She just won't be there for the weekend before half term. Arriving Friday, going to Inverness on Saturday and returning to you on Monday - which is the first day of half term.

I think that the problem here is a difference in what "half term" means. To a mother with small children, I would think that it does mean "the week that the children are not in school", rather than "the minute the school breaks up until the minute they return to school"

If she lives hundreds of miles away from you, and her family in law live still further north from you, then it probably seemed like a good opportunity to do the two birds with one stone thing, and see family in law as well as being there "for half term week" with you.

I don't think you are unreasonable in expecting her to help, but I think you are being a little unrealistic in expecting them to not spend any time with anyone else as well

I feel for you Marmight. Take it slowly. Decluttering and moving can be incredibly stressful. You are being very helpful to your daughters for doing this - otherwise the task would be theirs once you're gone - so expecting some help isn't unreasonable. We downsized fifteen years ago then ended up upsizing again when DH's parents five years later.. We had to clear their home of 50 years - a horrendous task as we were both working FT at the time. Got zero help from his daughter who doesn't work and lives 2 miles down the road! Anyway DH was an only child and wanted to keep loads of their stuff so we had to upsize to house it. Now I will be in a real.mess if I end up on my own. You sound very strong and well-organised. Try not to be hurt by your daughter's actions. The result of busy lives, trying to pack too much in, means they don't have the time for reflection that we have, and often don't realise when they are hurting our feelings. Also, half term is the grandchildren's holiday and I think she is trying to balance her family's needs with yours - being a good mum and daughter.

Difficult time for you and I totally sympathise. So contact all daughters and ask them if there is anything they want from the house before you get rid of stuff. Give them a date by which they collect else it goes to charity or let them arrange storage for any items themselves. Next work out what you want to keep and why? Will it fit into your new home?. Why are you putting stuff in storage? You have to pay for that.
Arrange stuff into piles, take, charity shop, recycling centre.
You must have some friends who can help you clear out and keep you on track.
Your children have their own lives and maybe you work out what exactly

First of all, a HUGE {{hug}} for the mountain you have to climb, not just packing and downsizing, but taking your leave of the family home which contains all those memories.
Is DD unaware of how you feel? She may well be head in the sand and it is hard to be honest about how you do feel let down without sounding as is you are resorting to emotional blackmail. Some excellent opinions and advice so far, but if I could add one? Instead of feeling you have to wade into the work as soon as she arrives, can you have an evening of happy memories, something positive to look back on? She may be dreading this goodbye too.
However, I DO NOT think you are being at all unreasonable and if there was a way of saying so without getting upset, I would say go ahead.
Not sure there is though. Not envying you, and I would be EXACTLY the same ❤️

It took my brother and I a year to clear my mother's house before she moved. I was working full time and did a weekend visit once a month, a 5 hr drive each way. My brother lived closer and visited as and when.

It was very emotional and I was too ill on the last night to go out for a meal to 'celebrate'.

I had various responsibilities and amongst other things took charge of all the books.

I suggest that you should use a declutterer from APDO for
www.apdo.co.uk/find-an-organiser/

Hope fully there is one near you. The person you select would help you go through your house and decide how to proceed. This would cut the huge task up into sections. With some of the sections you could ask local friends or get in local charities. The organiser would probably help yo with the things you feel most emotional about.

for my mothers house we printed a set of sticky labels for each person and having agreed how we would divide things up they put their labels on their things so that when they visited they could take them.

Unfortunately my sister took my small brass tray, despite the agreement, but I got over that having rather expected this behaviour and taken the larger one before she visited.

all the best. Do not let this move upset your relationships.

Can you ask her to do it the other way around? Explain that finding the eulogy has left you in bits and can they come to you first to get you going again. Then she's much more likely to send her DH and boys off to his DS and stay to help you finish. Otherwise there's the danger, which I think you may be fearing, that her time with you shrinks further.