Mother's Day

Hello Olympia.....Good morning. It is unfortunate but somewhat understandable that you have accommodated this rift for so long. I would try the emotional blackmail bit by stating what I REALLY want for Mothers' day is ......... the time and place to be chosen by you, of course. I would then state categorically that I do not wish to know in advance who's coming. 'Just turn up if you want to be with me, please'. Now this may end up with only yourself and the 'uninvolved' son. So be it. Furthermore, it may end up with you ON YOUR OWN. MENTALLY PREPARE FOR THAT, Olympia and the outcome, when known, could well have positive consequences. Either way, you've tried. What more can a Mum do? We just go on loving with the edges getting more frayed by the minute. I feel for you. My ties are not brilliant but I don't have specific problems. Good luck.

I agree with the majority of the above, say you've booked a table for all of you, both factions, and your best present would be for them both to be there. If they won't do that then do your own thing. I wouldn't get drawn into the reasons why the rift happened, or you just get locked in 'he said she said' arguments, just say its a long time ago & we have to move on. The funeral bit is very moving and well worth them knowing too.
I feel for you, we have rifts in our family and I hate it

X posts Bebe

Spend the money on holidays instead of feeding the family twice every time.It sounds to me like you are flogging a dead horse.They will make up if they want to not because you want them to.Sorry if this sounds harsh but a rift in my family broke my heart too and try as I may I couldn't resolve things between them.Spoil yourselves for a change and heal your own heart.

Reading this bought a tear to my eye, 18 years ago I fell out with my younger brother over what I felt was him letting his kids down, I avoided seeing him when he visited my parents and on the odd family occasion made sure I kept away. It took my father being admitted to hospital for us to bury the hatchet and seeing the joy in my Dads face when I told him I had called my brother to tell him what had happened made me wake up to the fact it not only affected me but everyone around me, we are now in regular contact to ensure the welfare of our aging parents. So from my own experience I would urge you to speak to or write to both of your sons and tell them how much it hurts and saddens you that they cant see beyond what happened all those years ago and the effect it has on those around them. I hope for all sakes they can see the light as I did before its too late to make amends. I truly hope you can resolve this.

Go out for a meal, long rectangular table, you 2 in each side in middle. One faction at one end, one the other. Middle son's family in middle. Good luck.

Jaycee5
“My sister and I don't get along and the only way to avoid her bullying and criticism is to have nothing to do with her.”
I feel the same way and broke off all contact with my sister after my father’s funeral. (my mother predeceased him). Until then I tolerated her nastiness for the sake of my parents who loved us both!

“I am probably the age of your sons and I don't care if my parents are upset that we don't get on.”
Obviously you don’t care about your parents at all which makes me wonder if perhaps your sister has a point. Forgive me for being blunt but this is about Olympia, not about you but clearly you don’t understand Olympia’s upset at the family rift and ask yourself whether you could perhaps drag up a bit of tolerance for your sister. I know it is difficult I have been there and done it but my parents’ feelings were put before mine.

Hi I'm sorry to hear. It must be very upsetting. I wonder how the son who hasn't fallen out feels and deals with this.

It may be worth letting go and lessening expectations and your feelings of
responsibility as there's nothing you can do. That way you would hold your Husbands birthday event, for example and invite everyone separately. Any queries as to who is attending you either ignore or just repeat how lovely it would be if they came but you would like them to come because of your husband and the guest list isn't relevant to that. It's up to them what they choose to do. They have a range of options including choosing not to come but initiating a separate invitation like taking him out somewhere. You could end up with a relaxed occasion with those who want to come and some additional smaller celebrations all of which will be quality time spent with those you love. At some point they may decide to change but at least you have let go of the stress. It also means you are modelling what you feel is right for a happy family rather than accommodating and legitimising something that makes you unhappy. It's time they took responsibility for their own choices.

Olympia I have two boys and my problem is the DILs dislike each other which as resulted in my son's rarely seeing each other. My 60th birthday celebrations were spoilt because as I had the girls sitting next to me and glaring at each other all night, it was a stressful night and after that, I thought never again. I am divorced and have said to my boys 'you can replace a wife/husband but you can't replace a mom/dad/brother,so if the wives want to continue their falling out don't let it come between you and your brother. My advice to you is, tell them how you feel, just how you said here. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus unless you say the situation will carry on. Hope it gets sorted for you,

olympia can I suggest that, if you feel happier keeping them separate - you alternate each year which son you invite - to avoid 2 of every celebration - the son not there will just have to accept that that is how liofe id going to be if they can't be civil to each other for your sake.

This is dreadfully upsetting for you both. I would tell them you cannot cope with this anymore and although you love them all you have had enough. Live you lives, hopefully they will see the error of their ways! Wishing you all the best x

Agree with most of the previous comments. It's their problem and you don't have to put up with it. Just do your own thing and tell them why.

Love the comment about two funerals.

I'd send them both identical messages on the me day. Along the lines of..... we are no longer going to do double celebrations. We will either have one big family celebration for future events, and it will be up to you and your brother whether you can behave amicably for that day and come, or whether you take it in turns to come, or don't come. It is too upsetting for this to go on any longer. For Mother's Day I'm doing my own thing this year, andfor your dad s 70 th we are having a break away, just the two of us. It's up to you and your brother now. "
Stick to your uns, they are not kids, and it needs to be brought to a head for your own sake. I hate confrontation, and it would be difficult to do this it it has to happen

Yesterday my son sent a text message asking me what I was planning to do for Mother's Day (Moi??!) and had I made any arrangements with "the other family".

If one of my sons asked me that question (which they wouldn't), I would ask him what arrangements HE had made. Mother's day is supposed to be the day on which children show appreciation for their mothers by organising a treat such as a day out or a meal at a nice restaurant. As I live quite a long way from both sons' families, I can't always be there for that weekend, but there's always a card and a gift - often a lovely bouquet - from each of them as well as a phone call. So, next time your DS asks if you have anything arranged, ask him what he has organised. The ball should always be in your DSs' court on Mother's Day.

I have no siblings so can't really understand conflict like this but although my SIL doesn't really have much to do with her eldest brother (my husband is the middle one) - they do tolerate each other at the odd family get together so it must be very upsetting for you to have this constant rift with your sons. My main thought is not so much the here and now but what will happen when the inevitable happens one day and they have a funeral to attend. Unless one family stays away which would be devastating for whichever parent is left behind they are going to have to bite the bullet and be in the same place. How sad would that be for it to take a bereavement to mend the breach. I would ask the question of them both now - then tell them that you are too upset by the whole estrangement to arrange any more family get togethers unless they can be sensible and be civil to each other. Presumably they both have children so do they know their cousins at all? Tell them you will be going away for your husband's birthday - if they want to arrange a meal to celebrate you would be delighted but you are not hosting it yourself. You are not responsible for your children's behaviour so it's not fair that you should be feeling so upset by it all.

You must get on with your lives it's been stressful for you it seems for years. You and your h must come to an agreement that is best for you.

Minnimies I don't care about my father as he is an abusive bully who is now bullying his wife who has Altzeimers.
I care about my mother. She is not someone who would put her own feelings before mine and expect me to do something that she knows would upset me. There comes a point in life (quite late for me) that you realise that you have to protect your own mental health and be tough if that is necessary. If my parents were the kind of people that would use emotional blackmail it wouldn't work. Parents don't have the right to tell adult children who they should have in their lives.
You don't know enough to be so judgmental although I was aware that at least one poster would be. My sister has had bullying complaints from staff at work which she thought were funny.

That should be MinniesMum

Hi Olympia, I would let both sons see your posting on gransnet, as all of your bottled up feelings have been expressed, I dont think either of them are seeing it from your point of view, as it is very stressful being in the middle of it all. Enjoy a lovely break away from them all on hubbys birthday, give them food for thought.

rosared that is exactly it. People seem to be saying 'bang their heads together until they do what you want and play nice'. They are no longer children and insisting on them behaving in a particular way will just alienate at least one of them.
When we went out in a group my dog used to run around everyone every so often and seemed to be doing a kind of head count. Mothers seem to be a bit like that. There can be 20 family members at a gathering but mothers fret about the one that is missing. Enjoy time with the people you are with at the time. Then see others at a different time. It is not the end of the world. Better than forcing people together and making them unhappy.

Olympia it is not down to you to organise Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day.
They are supposed treat you.
As for the rest I should tell them that you are fed up of walking on eggshells and are happy to visit them in their homes celebrate your husband's birthday with your one son and your friends.

My heart breaks for you.

I would arrange to meet them both on Mother's Day somewhere just your sons and you, say you piece, your Mother's Day wish is that you can enjoy an event as a united family or going forward there won't be events - actually ending with the two funerals is quite a punchy thought to leave them with.

Jaycee5, I couldn't agree more.

I decided long ago that my own health and happiness were far more important to me and to DH than anything the descendants may get up to. I could have had my heart broken by things that they've done/not done, but I refuse it.

My lovely stepdaughter, and a long-term friend (who was best friend of my deceased daughter and was my matron-of-honour) are the two people who make the effort to find a Mothering Sunday card for me. Very, very much appreciated. As it's the 4th Sunday in Lent, usually there are little bunches of flowers at church which the children present to every woman there, whether she's a mother or not.

My thoughts were along the lines of mags1234. Same message to both sons. Tell them you don't like celebrating events twice, you did it just to 'tread water' but it's gone on so long now and nothing's changed and you're tired of their relationship impacting on your life and your choices. So, you are choosing to go to an exhibition for Mothering Sunday and their father's upcoming 70th will be celebrated with a holiday. As for future celebrations, they will happen once not twice, and they can decide whether they both come, take it in turns year and year about, or not bother. When you die there can only be one funeral, so since they'd have to make that decision then, you'd rather they made it now.

This isn't blackmail. You've accommodated their wishes for over a decade, and have now decided that you're going to put your own wishes first now, and you'd like your life simplified.