Mother's Day

I had a major falling out with my sister which involved our DM but neither of us let it affect our relationship with each others' children and we were always civil to each other when we met up at parties etc. It wasn't her fault we fell out, after all (actually, on second thoughts it probably WAS her fault but she was in her 90s so was cut some slack).

It wouldn't hurt the 2 sons to put on a brave face IMO.

Agree all the way Jaycee and have never thought that I am such a wonderful Queen Bee that my three adult children all have to get on with each other just to please me.We still see them all, just not all at once.

Forget about the funeral! They will all have to attend that, and then go their separate ways and......you won't be in a position to worry about it.

Sometimes, when elderly parents die, the sibling rivalry vanishes and the adult DC do have a truce, or even become closer.Sometimes they don't and choose not to see each other.Not all families are The Waltons.

Surely it's time to make it clear that this is stressing you out and not healthy. You could either
a. Choose a date for a celebration and tell them that's when it will be - no doing it twice, it's too expensive - if they want to celebrate WITH YOU then great, but it's about you not them. Whether they opt out to avoid the other family is up to them.
b. arrange a holiday for you and your husband and leave them to it.
Sadly I have to agree with others that you can't choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. If they are old enough to be grandfathers, they are old enough to choose their own friends. BUT surely once or twice a year is not asking much for them to be civil to each other. How does you third son interact with them all?

I think you should tell them how much it is upsetting you and your husband and give them the chance to think about that and hopefully realise that they really are grownups now and need to start behaving like it! If they won't then say there won't be anymore double celebrations and try to do something lovely with your husband.

Olympia your sons are adults so very much their own people and who knows what originally caused the falling out. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family as they say.

My husband fell out with his brother about 16 years ago. He also stopped all contact with his half sister. When their mother was ill 4 years later it was very stressful as everyone did their utmost to avoid contact with one another when visiting her. Then when she died I dreaded the funeral, expecting tempers to flare, but it was almost like watching a play with the family being the actors as everyone played their part. There was utmost civility on the day, definitely not warmth by any means but not even a cross word. Afterwards there was very little contact, just what was unavoidable as her estate was sorted out.

Since then nothing, no contact whatsoever.

You should do what makes you happy. I see no problem with letting both sons know how you and your husband feel. They should be aware, why not? If it can be resolved then wonderful! But if not, then sadly that's life.

Tell them the only gift you want for Mother's Day is to have your family be 'whole' again. If they can't give you that, there is really nothing to celebrate. Having said that, YOU shouldn't have to plan and payroll YOUR own birthday or Mother's Day celebrations (twice, no less). If they truly want to honor you on your special day, the obligation is their's, not the other way around!

I feel for you so much because we are in the same position with our two boys. We have come to terms that there probably will not be a reconciliation because they lead such different lives and have very different values. It doesn't help that only one son has children because children can help to heal situations like this.

The last time we were together was my husband's 70th birthday tea at our house, nearly four years ago, and it was very awkward. It was my 70th birthday a few months later so, like you, we did two separate meals out but it broke my heart. We were also unable to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary as a family which would have been our wish but instead of doing the two separate celebrations we went away on holiday instead. No more double celebrations for us, as you say it is exhausting.

Although I am very soft hearted I can feel my heart hardening about the situation and as they are joint executors of our will we have recently told them that we will either instruct our solicitor to act as executor, which will cost us money to change the will and will cost them money as the executor will obviously have fees which will have to be paid from the estate, or be men enough to shake hands and get on with what has to be done together. The choice is theirs as far as we are concerned.

I think it goes with the territory of having sons, as my husband says, it is usually the wife who calls the tune and we know which wife has majorly contributed to the problem, although the other one is not without fault. Things were fine when my older son was married to his first wife and we were all able to get together and have good times.

I have a friend with two sons and they were in the same position until last year when my friend was hospitalised for a while; the two wives' paths crossed at the hospital and they decided to talk things over and now they are able to socialise together which my friend is overjoyed about. So there is always hope.

Until I joined this forum I felt such a failure over the situation with our sons and the fact that we are estranged from our two oldest grandchildren, but now I realise our problems are not unique which is very comforting. Part of my heart however is broken beyond repair and it was devastating to hear my six year old grandson say recently that he didn't know his Dad had a brother. I had mentioned something we had done together when our boys were small. Similarly, he and his seven year old sister don't know they have two half sisters.

As for the way to proceed, your situation is unique and dependent on the personalities of those involved and, if there are grandchildren, whether you want to run the risk of being estranged from them. Don't do anything in haste and tread carefully but it seems very unfair that you are unable to have your say. Is there anyone other than your other son who can act as mediator?

Two old sayings come to mind:

When they are babies they break your back but when they are grown they break your heart.

A son is a son 'til he takes a wife.

I sincerely hope that things work out for the best for you and your husband.

Oh dear. There is no simple answer to this problem.

You do not know what they fell out over. Perhaps it was something so fundamental that it cannot be mended or set aside.

I don't get on well with my brother, We haven't 'fallen out', we are just completely different people with diametrically opposed views on everything. I find him boring, bigoted and a mummy's boy, so I would rather boil my head than spend much time in his company.

I've always gone with the view that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

So, either find out from them what the problem is/ was and try to mediate a way through it, or accept the situation, get on with your life, and have parties with your friends, not your family.

Great advice from mumofmadboys... tell them that is the gift you want most of all and that the pressure is making you both ill. I hope it all works out and you have the best Mother's Day xx

I think it's your time to please yourselves, and be more 'unavailable'.

I might be worth saying to both sons how it makes things difficult for you so they at least know your feelings, but be selfish and do what you want to do.

If it was me I would stop straight away having 2 of everything because it has now become the norm, no one is going to make amends whilst this situation carries on.I would write the same letter/ email to both of them and word it like you did this post and tell each of them they both have a letter and how hurt you and there father is, and add the old cliche you are not getting any younger. In the meantime do what you want on Mother's Day until you get a reply, then go from there. Let us know how you get on. I have 2 daughters so no experience of sons.

olympia, I'm feeling rather sorry for your middle son who seems to be the meat in the sandwich. Where does he stand on this ridiculous ongoing rift between his brothers?

Well said

How aweful for you. You have certainly gone above and beyond. I have children that don't get on and the last time they were together for my milestone birthday it was awkward and the tension was palpable.

My advice is what I do now. I do not have two of anything but invite them both on the day and one child comes in the morning and one in the afternoon with a buffet lunch. They seem happy with this arrangement and it is less expensive for me.

I wish it was different but have to accept it.

Good luck

Olympia, so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I too am the mother of three adult sons and they have had their moments over the years.

I've thought long and hard about your post today and have tried to put myself in your situation. I think the difficulty you have is that you don't know what caused 'the major falling out' ten or more years ago. The reason may be fickle but on the other hand it could be major. You don't actually know what you're dealing with here. I'm not suggesting that you attempt to become involved at this late stage.

Personally, I would send the same email to them both saying how difficult you are finding double celebrations. Ask them in the email if there is any possibility of them reconciling and say that as their Mum and given that you love them both very much, you feel you would be failing in your duty as a mum if you didn't at least ask while you still can. No pressure - no ultimatums. It's just a question.

From there, you can decide the best way forward.

I think you've been amazing to accommodate these double celebrations for so long.

Best wishes to you and I hope you find a way through this that is at least easier for you.

It has gone on too long to change , just give notice that you will be around on whatever day/place /time and whoever turns up greet with no comment on Mothering Sunday , and book the holiday for the next occasion

Surely the are both big enough and old enough to be in the same room ?

P.s they dont have to speak to each other just be in the same room

Jaycee of course this is about the OP, she and her DH have been tiptoeing around their warring sons for years. Each son must be well aware the unhappiness and expense it is causing their parents and yet cannot be bothered to do anything to resolve the issue in any way.

I suggest henceforth the OP and DH just have one family party for every event, (including their funerals)and offer no guidance or advice as to who is on the invitation list or who has accepted. Leave it to their sons to sort the issue out. If neither choose to turn up, send them photographs after the event of everybody else having a lovely time.

My assumption: each of your 3 sons is married, there are 7 mums involved for MD. I feel that your sons have enough on them planning for their wife, mil and you, so leave MD alone.

The other days, the days you do 'own', have one event when you wish. Advise each of your sons (separately) of the date you select and be done.

This really is a problem with an easy solution, in my opinion. Do as you wish, let others do the same.

juney64...what great advice!...brilliant solution...

I agree with Jinty. Send each of them a message from you and their father based on your OP along the lines of:

In the past I we have said nothing as I we did not want to "blackmail"/force them either of you into speaking to each other on our behalf. We respect they you have their your own opinions and they are old enough to live as they you want to. It is my husband's your father's 70th birthday this year and this rift will again cause a problem in a family celebration. Neither my husband your father nor I want to have two birthday parties and have decided to have a weekend away to "celebrate" on our own. I We do not really feel unreasonable in not wanting to always host family occasions twice over and feel that this is the happier outcome for us both.

You are entitled to enjoy your special days and they should respect that. If they cannot put personal vendettas to one side to make you happy, then it's time to celebrate in the way which will make you happy doing what you enjoy. Spend the cash saved on a special treat for you both.

I don't know if this will help.
A good few years ago I had a party and invited my brother and sister. They both accepted the invitation but my awkward sister said she wouldn't come if my brother's wife would be there,
I replied to her that my brother and his wife had been invited and if my sister chose not to come, that was her choice.
My sister came - she wouldn't want to miss out - and the party was a success.
Sometimes you have to be very straight talking with waring siblings.