worried about safety re: DH and grandchildren

LSP not LEP

Yes, I must watch my attitude - I said to DGD2 (age 5) the other day when she grumbled about a boy in her class 'Well, darling, boys are aliens'.
She looked at me in astonishment and said 'No, they're not! Well, my Daddy isn't, anyway'.

This reminds me of a story told to me recently by my daughter. She was visiting her friend, her best friend, someone who she has known since the age of 9 and someone I know very well. The friend has a daughter aged 3 and half, who, when, my daughter arrived, was stirring a pot that sat on top of a gas cooker, at some point, the daughter lifted the wooden spoon and burnt herself. I was flabbergasted. I know the friend, and her husband, they are doting parents, to the point of being annoyingly over the top about chilcare (breastfeeding to the age of about two, not putting their child into nursery, etc.), I couldn´t understand how it had come about, them letting their daughter stand up on a chair next to a gas cooker. Apparently, they just hadn´t thought, she wanted to do it, so they let her. I, in my day, was quite relaxed about my children, but one thing, I would never have let them near is a flame or a cooker. So, welshmist, don´t blame your husband, just make sure it doen´t happen again

Some of the men hating women masquerading as 'feminists' need to sign up the the amoeba club.

I am not anti-men at all, but I have observed that men do tend to be less instinctively clued on to little ones - this may be conditioning, or due to the practicalities of them having been out at work and not had so much time around the children to gain that insight.

I know that I was always the one who was able to be one jump ahead of them and defuse difficulties or dangers before they arose.

Having said that my DDs had very special times with their Dad; and the GC do with Grandpa.

My husband saved a little girl from being hit by a car once. He was the only one who noticed she'd left a nearby table, we were outside a cafe eating lunch, and suddenly he jumped up and raced to grab her so maybe some men are just not quite so aware while others are. When we're eating out today we see parents looking at their phones rather than noticing their children. And mothers walking buggies while looking down at their phones, don't get me started.
Today we can't say it's just a man thing.

Mind you, having said that, he was a life guard in his youth and he's stayed very alert since so maybe that's why he saw the child when no one else did.

I don't agree with the attitude that modern mothers are inferior at parenting compared with grandparents. Some parents are good, some not so good. Attitudes such as that perhaps explain the increasing estrangement. Nor do I agree that men should be given an easy ride around childcare and housework simply because they are men. However, if you have concerns OP, perhaps looking after the child in their house would help.

He's not safe or sensible caring for a child and he's not taking any responsibility either. You can't leave him with the child and I think you have ton tell him and the parents that....you cant take this responsibility all on your own. I sympathise , such a difficult situation for you

I read a poster once that said "women dont want equality, they would never allow men to get that far"

My DH has a medical condition, the medication for which slows his thinking and reactions. This post sounds very familiar to me. I have therefore accepted that I am the one doing the childcare and I look after the child's safety and welfare. This prevents any arguments or loss of confidence for the GF.

Be careful that oarents do not cut you off from child to keep your husband away.

Oh dear, welshmist, has he always been like this, or is it a recent change in his behaviour? I have to say I would worry about dementia too. One of the difficulties is that other people get blamed but they don't see that the problem may lie with them. None of us can see ourselves as others see us, can we? You have my sympathies.
On the practical side all you can do is take on more responsibility which loads even more onto your shoulders. Have you any other family members who can help?

I have a gate between the kitchen and lounge to keep my 2 year old grandson out. Too many things could harm him. It only takes a second for a terrible incident to happen.

You will certainly lose contact with the child if a car hits him and kills him................safety first is paramount.

You have to be honest with everyone if there is safety at stake.

In a similar position to Luckygirl. DH has PD and is careless with med. we have a 3 year old DGD one day a week, and I take full responsibility. She is quite wary of him at times,anyway, sensing that there is 'something' amiss, I think.. He would take the older DGC's out in the garden, or to the local shop etc on his own, in the past, but I couldn't allow that now. He isn't driving at all now, thankfully. He would never have been as safety conscious as myself when our own DC's were young, but his awareness of danger is now greatly diminished. In these circumstances, I'm afraid that we grannies have to 'do it all'!

I suggest he sees a doctor. You mention several dings in the car and its seems he cannot concentrate for any length of time. He is aware, I think, and it is frustrating him. In the meantime do not leave the child with him.

I must defend men, well DH at least! He is at least as aware as me of dangers and equally if not more careful when looki ng after GC. The one exception is at playgrounds where I am quite neurotic and he, (like the parents) lets them do what to me looks quite dangerous - high slides, climbing frames etc!

At least you are aware there is a problem. Men always seem more laid back about these things until they are the ones sitting hours in Casualty. All you can do is ensure you are in the vicinity. I wouldn't have a toddler in the kitchen whilst cooking.

I think you will have to say that you can only look after your grandchild at their house and leave your husband behind at yours. The child could have been killed running up the road and that should that been the final straw.

Welshmist
You can't afford to wait while something really drastic happens
Have a word with your or your husbands GP.Age is not the issue when it comes to the change in the way a person acts.
Have words with your grandchild's parents and how they feel about it.

Dear welshmist, this really struck a chord. We have one GC not walking yet but I realise I will have to keep an eye on her. My DH seems to think that small children have common sense. That she will hold on when on a swing, that she will stop at steps etc etc. Luckily my DS who is quite the opposite and very able with children, has noticed his Dad be like this ..and is slowly realising we all have to keep an eye on him. That he has noticed has made it easier.I've tried to talk to DH and he says he understands but carries on the same. He has always found small children boring, so maybe just not engaged. But yes.. I'm on alert now. I think that I have to take charge and that's what I will do.

Heart goes out to you Welshmist

With his history of not having been around for his kids as wee ones, he's clueless, and perhaps on top of that, forgetful/irresponsible, or as others have said, might have dementia issues.

Either way, it is too stressful for you. If he WANTS to continue to have your GC there, I'd make a rules list and put on the wall. Say it's a reminder for yourself as well.

Safety is so important... never underestimate the curiosity of a child.

A worst case scenario wass that my niece's 7 year old son was allowed by his dad (they were divorced) to sit on the tailgate of a pickup truck that was being reversed out of a drive. He fell off, sustained a head injury and died. This was in the US and my niece was away for her 30th BD weekend. The guilt has not left her after 16 years. She will not acknowledge her BD any longer, and never had any other children. The father did not blame the neighbour, but himself. The neighbour had a nervous breakdown over it.

Again...safety is so important... never underestimate the curiosity of a child. You cannot bring them back.

I remember as a child a cousin in Canada pulling a saucepan of boiling water off the stove all over himself, he is scarred to this day, could have been killed. You can never be too careful when children are about, takes seconds for them to do something like that

My DH will not wear his hearing aid and guesses what my 4 year old granddaughter has said. On holiday with her ( and her parents) over February half term it all blew up because she asked him if she could do something unsafe and on the second ask he said yes (guessing again) in front of my DD. I wear 2 hearing aids but he has every excuse not to wear his. I can't leave him alone with her and he misses so much plus it frustrates me