Guests for 4 days

I have family members living many miles away who invite themselves to stay with us. They arrive by train, so any trips out and about, we have to take them. On asking how long they'll be here for, the response is, Oh, we have open ended tickets so we can stay till you get fed up with us!!
The hospitality is not returned as Oh we haven't got the room, the kids have left home but we've still got all their stuff here!
I'm going to have to toughen up as I'm feeling taken advantage of, although I get on well with relatives it is getting a bit too much now,

An alternative would be to suggest a nearby B&B and see them during the day.
We might do that next time our family comes, because we only have 2 bedrooms, and it means schlepping extra beds upstairs every time they come, and dismantling them after they've gone.

Well, it's dh's home, too, and certainly not the op's brother's. It's hard to have to choose between one's db and one's dh, but I think where the first loyalty lays is obvious. If dh were just being controlling or trying to keep her brother away, for some reason, that would be different. But his health is poor, he tires easily, etc. So, imo, his concerns are real.

Besides, what is this with people inviting themselves to stay in someone else' home? How about waiting for an invitation?

But, of course, you can't say that to db, glen. So I'm with those who say to let him know that you'd love to see him and his family when they are there, but can't put them up. If they offer to help, just decline and let them know that "won't work." Either they'll find accommodations elsewhere or they'll stay home. The latter may be best, at this time, though I know you'll miss them.

Luckgirl - I also hope your unwelcome relative "takes the 'ump" and stays away.

Glenfinnan - it is hard when guests have no concept of what hard work it can be having folk to stay - "Oh we will be no trouble" cuts no ice when, like you, there is someone with health problems in the house. Sometimes things just hold together and having folk to stay tips the balance too far to cope. That is how it has felt for me this weekend and I am hoping that you have found a way of resolving your problem

Glenfinnan please "just say No"! Tell them your reasons, which are totally valid. They can stay nearby and visit for a meal or whatever. You're NOT being a wimp!

Currently having a lie down before dinner and the next one! This afternoon's was dire - even dh thought so! I will enjoy tonight's as it's Snarky Puppy!

Seriously, my lot in life is not difficult (for now!) and those of you really coping with dhs with difficulties have my full admiration.

sorry, traditional

Tradition but not modern

Please feel free to leap!

TBH if I had to go to two modern jazz concerts in one day I might be consulting a solicitor!

Sorry i made the leap, Lucky!

I agree with Stansgran and will stop moaning about DH dragging me to two modern jazz concerts in one day!

I agree with your comment Stansgran....thank goodness for GN support!

There are some unsung heroines here. Flowers gin cake and wine to you all.

I have a friend whose husband never wanted to go anywhere, just stay home and watch TV. She told him he could stay home but she was not going to put off friends and family to stay home with him. He has now developed Parkinsons and she takes excellent care of him but still keeps up her social life. At the moment he is OK to be left alone, although she does sometimes arrange for family to stay with him. She loves him dearly but knows she also has to take care of her otherwise she will be no use to him.

I am living with the donkey!

It is indeed hard having two husbands and I am sorry Menopaws that your OH is having to undergo all this - and you. And Maw - how I do understand the business of working up to an outing, however minor. We were only at our DDs - 10 minutes away - yesterday and it was time to go home straight away as far as he was concerned - I held off as long as I could as I was having a great time with the GC, but in the end I could not cope with the pleas to leave - it is such a pain. DD offered him a bed to lie down, but that was not good enough - he had to be home. Sigh.

I am out doing some gentle gardening today and that is very therapeutic.

This reminds me of an old Jewish joke.
A man who had a big family went to the rabbi for advice - "I can't cope any more, too many people in the house." The rabbi thought for a moment then said - "take in a donkey."
Puzzled the man went off, took in a donkey. Soon he was back again "it's worse now". The rabbi said "take in a dog" again the man did as he was told.
Then followed a cat, a cow a few hens etc. At breaking point he returned " Get rid of the donkey" the rabbi said, which the man did.
Soon he was back, relieved: " Things are so much better now - so much more space!"

Well done luckygirl you have made it! I hope you are rewarding yourself with a big and maybe a croissant and the peace and quiet of a house once the guests have gone.
What you say about your DH not enjoying going out totally resonates with me (and my DH, while he has many chronic issues, does not even have the added complication of PD)
Trying to find an excuse for not going is par for the course and I sometimes have to turn a very deaf ear , also wanting to come home even when an early departure is quite impractical. It takes much of the joy out of planning any event or visit. Even a visit to the cinema to see a streamed performance of Twelfth Night yesterday (30 minutes away, easy access, comfy seating) was a bridge too far. I knew as soon as he woke up it was doubtful, the pained expression, the backache, the trips to the loo because of his diuretic, the grumpy reminder that I had failed to book him a podiatry appointment......
Saw it coming but tried to ignore it!! In the end I just went on my own, but got a chilly reception when I got back because he "had had to have a lie down" in the afternoon.
Some battles are worth fighting, with others I just keep my counsel, have a and try not to seethe inwardly.
I know I am not alone in this, just KBO as my dad used to say!

Melanie it does work both ways, our visitor who expected his meal served in front of the television was English, his wife was Australian. Both as silly and lazy as each other. Years later when their marriage had broken up he was still the same.

Another friend who is English had a UK visitor staying at her house for three months. He had migrated to Australia and was able to work. He would ask what was for his packed lunch and never paid for one thing. He then moved on to Perth and set up a bed and breakfast type place and wrote to my friend that he was doing very well. She was not impressed, but she should have spoken up instead of putting up for three months feeding and waiting on an adult.

I have two husbands. My lovely kind, smiley and sexy hubby on the week before chemo and a complete selfish git who is possessed the week after chemo. A side of him that has never existed before so I know it is the drugs but bloody hell!
I find it so hard as he can be really mean on the bad week but although I talk quietly about it when he's better to explain how I feel, it makes no diff. I have written it all down as well and still no diff.last kid just left home so our precious time now so it hurts more that time is wasted by being angry and upset.
Sorry gone a bit off thread here

This is all so sad. Sending you both

Oh ann - thank you for your post - I know you are going through far worse than me and you have all my sympathy. I just think your "old type nanny looking after a very difficult child" hits the spot - it truly does feel just like that some days - well, most days really.

I do know this man I share my house with, as many of the problematic traits have been there a long time - they are just hugely exaggerated now by his PD. Some days I don't know who he is - I know that sounds mad, but is he a rational person? - is he going crazy, or might it be me? I want to help him all I can, but I also need to retain some normality somehow. The children are wonderful, but even they do not know what is really going on - they have their own lives to lead and I want them to enjoy themselves, not worry about us both.

I need to just go out for a walk now and get some fresh air and birdsong - and I do know ann that you cannot do that and send heartfelt good wishes to you.

I have only just read the last couple of posts in this thread but just want to say luckygirl I am there with you all the way, I know exactly how you feel,
Some days I don't even feel like a carer, I feel almost like a old type nanny looking after a very difficult child.
I certainly don't feel like a wife as I don't know this man I share a house with. Moan away, I can actually tell my H off and be quite awful to him as he doesn't take much in and has forgotten anything said to him as soon as the conversation is over.

It is indeed!

Our guest has just left and it feels like a relief - I can stop pretending all is well now - a bit stressful that!

I do not think he has active PD dementia, although there are early signs of problems; but they are difficult to disentangle from his overwhelming anxiety which has become massively worse recently. I think the anxiety slows him down mentally as well as physically - he is sitting shaking and some of it is PD and some anxiety.

Things look a bit bleak at the moment; but no doubt I will pick myself up when the strain of the last few days subsides and be better able to do the right things.

You are not being selfish Lucky, you need to care for yourself too.

Is there any help available from a Parkinson's charity? (Showing my ignorance there) I think you have mentioned Parkinson's related dementia (sorry if I've made a huge leap there) but you could contact Alzheimer's Society for strategies to help you cope.

And, of course, GN is brilliant!!

Thanks Gransnetters - your support is much appreciated.

Rock and a hard place indeed. The truth is he has always been a bit inclined to want to just sit at home and do nothing - going out anywhere, even to family, is a major production now. He always left his family to me to deal with but there is only his sister left now, so it does not arise so much. I guess one of the reasons I was so anxious about this visit was that things are pretty strained here anyway and adding someone else into the mix is a problem.

It is as if the PD has just furnished him with an "excuse" to become more and more reclusive - I feel a real bitch saying this as he is not well I know, but it is just more of the same only with knobs on.

We went to DD's yesterday (10 minutes away) and he gets very anxious in the car and just goes on and on - left hand down, you are not doing as you are told etc. Then when he is there he says he feels ill and just wants to come home - goes on and on about it. Then when I finally give in and bring him home he is right as a trivet when he gets back. Or as right as he ever is.

The dilemma is that I am tossed from carer to partner role from one hour to the next and I do not know what I am meant to be doing at any moment. It is a weird situation.

But really he just wants to close his life off and I don't want to do that yet - I know that sounds selfish and makes me feel awful, but I cannot share this decline into doing nothing and going nowhere without going steadily nuts.

Only today to go, Lucky. You sound as though you are between a rock and a hard place with DH. As corner say - rant away on here.