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Guests for 4 days

(104 Posts)
Glenfinnan Mon 24-Apr-17 19:08:10

Just need a little bit of advice. My husband (73) does not keep good health. We have quite a bit of family near by and it's always lovely to see them, and many pop in for lunch etc. However he does tire easily and in the past couple of years gets very worked up if people want to stay for 2-3 days. My brother and his wife and their teenage boy want to come for a week, they live away. I feel I must put them off but know they will say they will be no bother and look after themselves but it's just them being here for a period of time that's the problem. How do I explain this without causing a drama or family conflict.

Anya Mon 24-Apr-17 19:45:28

Is putting them off is what you want, yourself, and not just to stop your husband getting 'worked up' ?

Glenfinnan Mon 24-Apr-17 20:05:51

You could be right Anya but it's not easy to deal with the fall out and I'm then walking on eggshells in case there is an atmosphere. Plus his distress/moods before they arrive.

thatbags Mon 24-Apr-17 20:08:43

If you think it would be too much for your husband and so don't relish the visit for your own sake either, just tell them the plain truth. You can be ever so apologetic but really emphasise the magnitude of the problem for you.

Could they stay with any of your nearby family?

thatbags Mon 24-Apr-17 20:09:39

Visitors are never "no bother" even when you want them there.

rosesarered Mon 24-Apr-17 20:10:53

What thatbags says!

Anya Mon 24-Apr-17 20:14:02

I think you have to decide what YOU want Glenfinnan and not be swayed by thoughts of 'fall out'. It's your brother and his family. If you want them to stay then you'll have to tell your husband that's what you want.

I'm not quite sure how much of this is his way of controlling situations and how much is genuine. Only you know that.

Luckygirl Mon 24-Apr-17 20:19:05

I know the problem - OH is unwell and visitors who stay are frankly a problem - he can put a good face on it for a few hours but not for 24 or more. Just had an email from a relative who is apparently coming to stay Friday and Saturday - I had completely forgotten as her first communication occurred just as we were leaving for holiday and I had not written it in diary! Wish us luck.

Christinefrance Mon 24-Apr-17 20:29:47

It is tiring having people to stay however well intentioned they are. I'm sure your family will understand if you explain about your husband's health issues. Can you arrange for them to stay nearby and have a couple of meals with you or go out somewhere. There are compromises to make as we get older or have uncertain health, work around it so you can still enjoy life.

Luckygirl Mon 24-Apr-17 20:36:13

The person coming has history for taking the 'ump easily - I am trying to get her to commit to when she is arriving and when she is leaving so I know what meals I have to cater for. If I ask when she is leaving she will get offended - been there, done that in the past. Frankly I can do without this! Not our favourite person at the best of times, but, to be fair, she probably wants to see OH before he gets worse.

Luckygirl Mon 24-Apr-17 20:39:16

TBH it really annoys me - when we stay with family we make sure they know exactly when we are arriving and when we are leaving so they know where we are. It seems like just good manners to me.

I will just have to go with the flow, because if she arrives with a chip in her shoulder she will be harder to deal with whilst she is here.

I am seriously pissed off with this as I am very tired indeed at the moment and could do without all this.

FarNorth Mon 24-Apr-17 20:43:53

Luckygirl I'd be inclined to tell the person that you can't have her to stay because of your husband's poor health.
Clearly she already knows about it.

Suggest somewhere nearby she could stay.

If she takes the hump and never speaks to you again - bonus!

norose4 Mon 24-Apr-17 22:27:36

Agree with Luckygirl, plus it should be them worrying about you, not you having to worry about wither they are upset or not. You sound like a lovely kind helpful person but you must be firm , tell them you are sorry but on this occasion you can not accommodate them , but if they stay near by you will look forward to joining them for a meal out or something along those lines. You deserve their understanding & compassion but you must stand firm to get it & if you don't & they behave badly towards you ...well what does that tell you strong for yourself you are worth it good luck

Penstemmon Mon 24-Apr-17 22:45:42

Agree with those advising giving honest reason for not having long stay visitors:Too difficult for DH. You can say you would both love to see them and would like to have them over for tea and cakes ( or whatever you want to do) & can join them.on some trips out whilst they ae in the area. Good luck.

MawBroon Mon 24-Apr-17 22:45:54

Far be it from me to ever exaggerate but I have been known to, shall we say, "use" DH's health issues occasionally when I want to get out of something which I know he isn't bothered about either. Of course if he wanted it, I would not dream of using my subterfuge. But he is often perfectly happy for me to use him as an excuse. wink

cornergran Mon 24-Apr-17 23:30:48

I used to cater for a crowd without blinking, now if I need to cook for more than two it's real pressure. I agree, visitors are never 'no bother'. Some we not only cope with but enjoy them being here, the rest are told politely that we are unable to host them, often with a genuine health reason to back the refusal. They all still speak to us! Do what's right for you and your husband glenfinnan. If you really can't say no to these visitors pave the way for the future the second they leave by telling them you are so pleased they could stay as you know you won't be able to offer that again in the future for health reasons. Would that work for you lucky? Good luck to you all I hope it works out and everyone survives.

Jalima1108 Mon 24-Apr-17 23:50:24

I must admit unless it is close family I do get in a bit of a spin these days whereas we used to host large gatherings in our younger days.

A week is quite a long time to have people to stay unless it is your DC - will they take themselves off each day or expect you to entertain them too Glennfinnan? Perhaps you could get a list of interesting places to visit from the internet and send them out after breakfast and tell them dinner will be at 7 pm! Then go to bed at 9.30 pm.

Hopehope Tue 25-Apr-17 00:06:09

I am afraid I don't mess about anymore these days. I reckon we have enough to contend with. I just say that I couldn't possibly cope.
I don't say it nastily, but I am firm, and if anyone takes the huff I see it as their problem and not ours.

If they think I am pathetic , well that's their problem too.

Hope you get sorted Luckygirl flowers

kittylester Tue 25-Apr-17 07:44:04

All good advice here so I just want to say 'good luvk' and let us know how things go!

It's difficult though, isn't it. flowers

Glenfinnan Tue 25-Apr-17 07:54:23

I know! I feel pathetic at being so tired looking after DH, but relatives say 'we can help' but they don't understand. Love them dearly but their son is not the easiest and I don't feel I can cope. Thank you everyone for taking g time to give advice.

janeainsworth Tue 25-Apr-17 07:55:11

glenfinnan you will just have to be honest with your brother and say you would love to see them while they are in the area, but you can't cope with them actually staying in your house for a week. It's not being unreasonable at all.
We have friends and family at the opposite end of the country and I announce an impending visit by saying we will be in the area and can we meet them somewhere for a meal. If an offer of accommodation is made we gratefully accept but never stay for more than 1 or 2 nights!

Luckygirl you don't ask guests when they are going to leave. You ask them how long they will be able to stay. There's a subtle difference in how the two questions are perceived grin

Riverwalk Tue 25-Apr-17 07:55:14

Thread title says four days but you go on to say seven days, either way it's too long for family to invite themselves - having three extra adults in the house is an imposition. If you're not up to it yourself you'll just have to say so, however if it's because your husband gets 'worked up' but you'd like to host them, then maybe he needs to compromise and settle for say two days.

Does he have serious ill-health or just general getting old a bit and miserable?

You say you have quite a bit of family nearby, can they help out with accommodation?

janeainsworth Tue 25-Apr-17 07:56:26

Crossed posts glen.
Good luck with it - I hope they understand.

sunseeker Tue 25-Apr-17 08:09:34

I think as we get older we tend to value our privacy more (at least I do!) In the past I have happily accommodated, friends and family including pets now if anyone suggests coming to stay my heart sinks!

In your position I think I would tell your family that due to your DHs health you just cannot cope with having to cater for them as well. Recommend local places they can stay and invite them to come for a couple of meals.

Auntieflo Tue 25-Apr-17 08:43:54

It sounds as though most of us would have done the entertaining bit with hardly a thought, when we were a lot younger. But now, age and all it's related aches and strains has taken it's toll, and we just can't do it anymore. We are all too well brought up smile to refuse a request to stay, but have to learn to put ourselves and OH first now. When our DS1 was small, the first thing he said to visitors was "when are you going home?" Sensible lad. (He's now a grandad)