AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

I'm sorry you feel so upset. You are of course right, it's your home and of course you should be in control. Hard to know how to overcome it unless you would feel able to tell your Mum. I'd love to be able to say and know I am right that your Mum is just being a Mum and not judgemental but I don't know her so can't say for sure. I do hope so, though. Is there a way to go around this, rather than through it? Maybe ask her to do something of your choosing, that way you are in charge. If you would welcome her company rather than activity then do tell her. Is she just someone who doesn't think it's OK for her to just be there and she has to contribute something, whether asked to or not? Sort of paying her way? Or even wondering if she will need your help one day and so wants to do what she can while she can. I wish there was an easy answer for you and I do hope you can find a way to be more relaxed when she is in your home.

I just wish I didn't feel so upset by it. I should be grateful but I just find it very irritating, which overrides any gratitude. In the past when my children were much younger mum would help me out in various ways around the house & back then I was very grateful but now, my youngest is nearly 14 i do not need the help. And just find these gestures of help unnecessary & judgemental which makes me feel very sad. It's my house my mess & my responsibility.

Reading between the lines it sounds as if your housekeeping is not up to her standard. If you're happy with the 'lived-in' look then fine, but it obviously irritates her and that's just her way too.

Whenever my lovely B-i-L visits with his wife he often disappears into the garden and after he has gone I find he has swept up leaves, power washed the paths or done some other job that I am too lazy busy to do!

Perhaps if you suggest she sits down & has a cup of tea & a chat with you, tell her you'd rather spend time with her, than her doing chores that you think unnecessary. Two possible outcomes, she will either pass a comment about your abilities too keep your garden/house to a certain standard or she will say she is just trying to help by doing something helpful. You can then tell her it's your home & don't want her to do it & that's the way you choose to live. Good luck

When I married my mother in law lived a distance away and so visits were a stay of at least a week. Mr C and I worked full time. First day she washed the dusters, second day she cleaned the house from top to bottom. I figured I had two choices, I could sulk, get cross and upset her or I could say a big thank you and enjoy a clean home with no effort on my part. The second option won. I appreciated the desire to make my life easier.

Would you rather have her in the kitchen, washing things up as you go along, commenting on your cooking and getting in the way?

You say you are not on your own so maybe your partner was pleased to see the garden swept. The garden can get messy just after you swept it depending on the weather so not really like a messy house.

Move my ornaments, no way. Comment on toys lying around after the children have gone to bef, no way but I would have tidied them up so my daughter could sit in peace and I won't fall over them. But I go and stay for a week at least not just for the day. She moans at me for leaving the kitchen a bit untidy.

off

It does sound as if your mum's a bit judgmental in a negative way, icbn (may I call you icybean?) so I get where you're coming from. Perhaps I would have minded if my mum had done stuff. I did mind her complaining about my kids just being kids (she'd had five; you'd think she'd remember) and about the time when I was visiting her and said good night and she then said: "Don't be noisy when you get up". I replied coldly: "Mum, I'm the quietest person you know; I can't help it if your floor boards squeak and creak on my way to the bathroom." Grr.

My mil, on the other hand, never criticised or interfered or was judgmental but she did get busy. She was a busy type but also a saint and one of the nicest people I've ever known.

momb, your mum's question about when the windows were last cleaned made me laugh. I can't remember when I last did mine. I'm not even sure it was last year. I think I probably did a few last year at some point. Yes, I think it quite likely since I bought a new reacher squeegee thingy last year so I didn't have to use a ladder (fell of the ladder the time before that).

I would feel the same, which is why I do not do it to my children.

I guess maybe I am being over sensitive, touchy, out of order blah blah blah.....but it's happening all the time. Mum will always comment on the amount of laundry I've got, my daughters messy bedroom, how quickly the grass is growing etc etc I suppose she's just thinking out loud really. Trouble is it does affect me, makes me feel like I don't cope & that I obviously do need her help. She doesn't mean any harm I know that but doesn't mean it's any less frustrating.
And I do feel like I'm being judged because I always feel the need to explain just why I've got more crumbs then carpet on the floor! Just come visit mum that's all I ask!

Mumoffmadboys my Dad would ask when I last cleaned my specs.
He would promptly remove from my face polish them and say 'you could grow spuds on 'em!'
Wish he was still here to clean them

My DD a mother of two toddlers would be quite upset if I didn't do anything to help

However when my MIL Visited she would often sweep my carpets with a broom!
The hoover used too much Electric!

I would love someone to come to my house and give me a hand with whatever needed doing . I would not be in the least bit offended only grateful . I am struggling at the moment with poor physical health and also have been diagnosed with depression , so much needs doing and I can only manage the basics . To have someone come and muck in would be a dream come true , your Mum is only trying to help and feels relaxed enough to just roll her sleeves up and get on with it !

I think you are being a tad over sensitive here. On your own admission the path was "pretty messy". She saw a job that needed doing, you were occupied happily baking, what was she doing? So she saw a small but useful way of helping out. That is no slight on how you run your ship. I think I would like your mum.

I think it depends on the attitude of the person doing it. If my mum had done it I would have felt that she was judging.

At all of the DD's I would ask, except when I am childminding then I do what I can see - usually hanging washing up or bringing it in and folding.

I find it hard to sit, I like to be outside, sweeping gardens keeps boredom at bay.

icbn2802, I do the same as your mum, my daughters thank my efforts, we are all happy.

Just the sort of thing my MiL would have done. She would have made a joke about 'helping' as in, 'You can swear about me when I've gone home'

She was an absolute gem.

It's the mother thing I think. I'm quite happy if my children do a bit of clearing up when they visit, but I'd have been a bit miffed if my mother had done it. Although DD is always quite happy to come home and find her washing up done!

It's what I do when I visit my daughters. I still have children at home & am kept busy with my own home. So when I go visiting I'll always ask if there's anything I can do to help, the answer is 9 times out of 10 ' no thanks' despite me under my breath questioning 'are you sure?' as I discreetly scan the place. I'll take that 'no' as my final answer & enjoy the time & chance not to have responsibility for a while.

I am obviously not a 'proper' mother. I go to my DC's houses and will just sit down and enjoy their company. If there house is untidier than mine that is entirely their business. If they are preparing a meal I will offer to help and usually lay the table and help clear it, but otherwise, visiting DC is an opportunity to sit down, relax enjoy the company of DC and DGc and let someone else do the work.

My late mum used to ask when I had last cleaned my shoes! I would say I can't remember but if you want to do them that would be great! She said no thanks. I had five kids so shoe cleaning wasn't high on my job list. Similarly when did I last clean the windows? I used to inwardly seeth!! At least your mum is just getting on with it without making a fuss/ statement.

I do think you are being a bit touchy here - there may be history that causes you to feel like this, but looking at it from the outside I think you are hugely over-reacting. Sorry!

You are right icbm but at the same time your Mum maybe wants to feel useful to you.Let her do a few things to help you if she wants to.
Personally I find I have enough to do in my own house without doing anything at my DD's houses.

Send her round here! I would not be the least offended by this and would not regard it as a personal slight - I do not care who or why, I am very happy indeed for someone else to do all the jobs I can't be arsed to do!

She loves you, feels at home with you as her daughter, she's just trying to help. You're doing some baking, as part of the family, she wants to do her bit too. She'd probably be upset to know how you are feeling.

Couldn't you rise above it and take it in the spirit it was intended ... and I'm pretty sure she isn't judging you. You are lucky to have your Mum around, enjoy your days with her.