DD all grown up and still jealous / insecure

Rather than \" confronting her" or telling her your view of her behaviour use "open questions" to get her to start "justifying/taking responsibility for her behaviour. When replying to her answers don't comment/give opinions, just listen and then ask a follow up question. So
"Why are you angry about this?" (Lets say she replies "I feel you should have bought me tickets/asked me") ...you reply "I assumed you would buy tickets if you and ... wanted to go. Why do you think I should have bought them for you/asked you? (Lets say she replies " You are spending money on those girls, you prefer them to me ...or words to that effect") You reply "I spent money for you to join us on holiday. Why do you fell that I prefer them to you?" ...and so on. If you can keep going people start to run out of steam/make themselves look silly/ attention moves away from them etc etc . I promise that it works but it takes practice. Maybe start small at first!?

Thanks folks - she is an incredibly insecure young woman and I constantly have to boost her, which I do willingly. There are, I know, many reasons for this - I can't solve it all for her but I continue to reassure her and encourage her etc. She will acknowledge this with gushy proclamations in eg birthday cards but revert to somewhat bullying behaviour at other times. I am 'gearing myself up' - i will monitor the situation and tackle it head on if necessary. It's early days - girls have been with me for just 2 months so there hasn't been a great deal of contact with my kids and them due to busy lives etc.
Thanks for your wisdom and voices of reason - I will definitely read those books !!!

I think without the whole story it's difficult to comment or have an opinion. I'm with BlueBelle on this. There will be reasons's surrounding her insecurities, reasons that we don't know and some might say are none of our business but seeing as it's been brought up ... I'd be tempted to take her out for lunch, just the two of you and ask her why she feels this way? There's obviously something on her mind and the only way to fix it is to talk about it.

When my DD visits, which is quite often, she seems to revert to being a child again.

She is always tired with two year old grandson and wants me to wait on her with cups of tea, nappy changing etc.
She will raid the fridge, just like she used to when living at home.

I don't mind indulging her some of the time, but sometimes it irks me.

She has an older brother who never wants anything when we see him.

Maybe I should reread that book "Families and how to survive them".

Your daughter is obviously insecure. No matter how hard we try sometimes life throws curveballs that do affect our children. You say you have been a single parent since she was young: the absence of a father must have affected her whatever the circumstances. and now she sees her only parent getting new children. Have they moved into her bedroom? And you are doing fun stuff with them when she is not included, perhaps repeating some of the experiences she has shared with you?
I think you need to talk to her and reassure her that she is and always will be your only daughter. That the same way she has found enough space in her heart to love someone else -her husband - you have space in your heart to care for another child, but that the new children do not replace her anymore than her husband replaces you. In other words tell her you love her and make sure you have quality/fun time with her without the new children, even if it's just an hour lunch now and then.

I think I would explain to her exactly what you have said above that it was a spur of the moment purchase and not in any way meant to exclude your DD and then ask her, or suggest, an alternative event that you could attend together. It works with my rather headstrong DD, who likes everything to be 'fair' with regard to who benefits from what. Families! dont you just love 'em.

I think there are some wise things said here. I too think you should stand back from the negative comments. Let them go and keep reassuring her in an everyday way. You are focused you have a project, you are doing well. You are in a good place. There are bound to be some down sides! My daughter's incredibly trying but also very proud and supportive but the occasional shots of jealousy or disdain can sometimes knock me off my feet. Then their remorse sets in - not a lot but grab it - Gratefully, and so we go on. I think it was because you were such a good mum she is not afraid to show her distress I think our boundaries are weakest with our loving mothers but I think it's fine you'll just have to roll the occasional punch and keep on going. Suddenly flatter her, bake her a cake. Take her breath away occasionally she's worth it.

You could say in a sad but loving tone "Oh you're all grown up now, and I am getting old, I was looking forward to you being MY emotional support now! I do love you"

I feel for you all in this I think it's easy to judge the girl as spoilt pampered whatever, there will be reasons surrounding her insecurities and they won't necessarily be anything you ve done ...you say they are approaching 30 are they twins? I think it's only natural to have a little bit of jealousy when you see your mum loving another child the thing is you are doing the right things to include her and basically take no notice of her jealous words whilst showing your care for her Her reaction to the concert tickets shows how insecure as 'still part of the family' she is ...lS she happy in her own relationship,?I take it she has no children. Is she prone to depression? How is she with the girls when you are not with them

I don't know about tip toeing around her but I would keep inviting and including her and ignoring any spite coming from her Good luck

Do you find Lou that she seems to play on your feelings of guilt?

Remember when she is complaining she's not really coming from her adult self - she's coming from the child part of herself.

Perhaps really she is still looking for some boundaries? It's important for you to remember that you are not responsible for the way she feels - that's entirely up to her and it's ok for you to be direct with her.

You didn't abandon her - but her father did - perhaps she might need to talk about his more?

There's also a good book which outlines the different personality types of children (it also works well with adults.) and helps teach us how to adjust our communication so that it's effective with everyone. (Children Are From Heaven by John Gray - they'll have copies on ebay)

Loujoamk it seems your new found venture - and yes, hurrah and well done! - has raised obvious insecurities in your daughter and she is putting you through the mill because she needs to hear that she comes first with you. She is probably aware that she is reacting and being unreasonable at times, but maybe she also needs a wee bit of reassurance that you are able to give..

I wonder if she sees you spending money on your foster girls as money you could have spent on her - if so, perhaps she needs to understand that you are able to treat them because of the care money you receive for them?
Perhaps she also needs to be reminded that it is because you are 'earning' by having the girls that you have - very generously - been able to pay for her air-travel to Spain.

Don't beat yourself up about the ' I don't have a bedroom' anymore. Lots of young adults go through this and gradually adjust without us having to apologise for it ... my son gave me grief for a while when I remarried and relocated and down-sized ...he didn't live at home anymore, but still didn't like the fact that there were changes. He wanted me to feel guilty, but I brushed it off, made the point that this was still his home and he was always welcome and there would always be a bed if needed and he got over himself after a while!

Whatever you do, reassure, but do not apologise. She will only go on giving grief if she thinks she has a right to ...

Good luck and hopefully she will calm down soon .

Well done with your brave venture. My nephew, who is a very troubled young man, has recently been placed with a family who act in a similar way to you, and I salute them and you.

Your DD is being a bit silly TBH so I think you should let it wash by you if you can - your son seems prepared to tell it like it is - good for him!

You can only keep reiterating that you love her and are there for her.

Also what a wonderful thing you are doing well done you!

She should be supporting your kind venture, not making life difficult for 2 young girls who have already had a tough start in life.

Perhaps she needs (reminding) to start realising how lucky she was to have an upbringing with you. Maybe she could be involved in doing things with the 2 girls to help with the situation.

She should be proud of you.

Oh dear me I think you have been too nice for to long, stern words are needed along the lines of "grow up". Why would she need to retain a room at mother's home when she has already left, she is not a teenager even though she is acting like one. I know we love our children but sometimes they can be exasperating.

Oh sorry, that sounded harsh. It wasn't intended to be. I just meant that you're going to have to state your case, and its probably going to cause upset; exactly what you've already made clear. sorry!

So you'll have to continue to tiptoe around her then? I don't think you're going to be able to sort it out without saying something..