Advice please re birthday money.

I would definitely stop sending money just send cards. Kids often need reminding to send thank you notes if parents don't remind them. Aunts and Uncles do get forgotten in many families but if it means so much to you, save the cash and give it to them when they reach 18, if you still want to.

In the same vein, I still send birthday and Christmas money to my 3 nephews, aged 20, 23 and 26. They are all working whilst I am retired. OH thinks I should stop - but how without causing upset?

lesley4357 I don't think your nephews will be upset - they are probably well aware that they are too old for birthday money. Send them a nice card and leave it at that. I know my sons would be embarrassed to feel that an "elderly" relative was sending them money.

Gosh, you are all very forgiving. I am a stickler for manners, no matter whether the child/ren live with both parents or just one.

And especially at the ages in Tallullah's post. If they can't be bothered to say thank you, then I can't be bothered to send money.

I cannot bear it when it is just accepted that they will be given something. No matter how "traumatised" they have been by life events. I am happy to accept a quick text message or email these days, whereas I have always stuck out for a letter or card in the past! I would NEVER have let my children just take, and not say thank you.

And oh my days!!! To actually ASK for the money!! No way, no how and never.

"And oh my days!!! To actually ASK for the money!! No way, no how and never."
Me too,*HurdyGurdy*.

Does cut off point apply grandchildren, over 18" that earn more than me. I never know how much to give, always been over generous really and bad about stopping it.

It most certainly is cheeky !

Seems a tad rude to ask for the money, to me! Poor you such a dilemma.MY GD sends me a TY card and so I send her one for my presents... her siblings ( my step grandchildren) were also very polite when I first met and sent them gifts...got texts but their Mum (my lovely DinL) told me I should stop once they got to mid teens. I did but still feel guilty so if I see them around their birthday/Xmas they get a little "something" and I invite them to stay over with their boy/girl friends in hols as we live near a Beach side city.. Such polite kids who also went through a divorce - but very successfully came out fine.

Asking for their presents early is what kids do at that age,. I don't mind as long as they ask in a loving and nice way. You gc are going through an unsettled time so I would just keep on giving the presents.

To ask for money early is a terrible cheek! I too would be hurt at never getting thanked and no receiving a text or card on my birthday.

As to whether to carry on sending gifts, Im not sure! My initial reaction was to say just send cards from now on - but I see that many have posted that they may be feeling the strain of their dads remarriage etc. So I don't know...maybe just send a card and a small token gift until they are 18?

I don't think you should be spending a huge amount as they are old enough to say thanks themselves without prompting, and seem quite rude in that respect.

I have always sent a small present or money to the children in our family. Even those on the very outer edges DiL sister's children for example.. If after 3 presents I have not had a thank you note, from the child or its parent , then I just stop sending.
A friend of our gives his GDs substantial pocket money every month. There is only one condition attached. That they thank him.

It's no good, I can't find a cut off point for giving gc money,even if they earn more than me, will be doing it until they are sixty. However if it was not avknowledged or they asked, that would be different. They always thank me with a phone call, buy me a present fir Christmas and birthdays too. If or when they set up a home, I would help them then.

Sorry, if someone else has asked this, but do you live near enough to arrange a visit to a coffee shop? It would be good to talk to them face to face? Clear up any misunderstandings?

I stopped sending relatives/friend's children presents or money when they reached 18 and then started to send them to their children when they arrived instead. I've usually had a message back eventually saying thank you although still waiting for a thank you for a wedding gift to one couple a year ago which is annoying! My own family I've always given presents (or now they're older money) and can't see that stopping. I think it's bad manners not to send you a thank you message and would also be very hurt they missed your special birthday although that's not really surprising - they probably didn't know or didn't realise the date. I do this all the time even with online reminders! I think if you can afford to do it agree 18 seems the age to stop.

I my children had contacted anybody to ask (however politely), for a present of any kind, money included and I had heard about it, I would have nailed them to the wall. I was brought up to believe that you do not ask for presents - except, if asked saying what you would like, withing the realms of reason. And if they did not send a card/note/letter to say thank you, the present went straight back. I hope they are the same even now, though all are well over 21 and out of my jurisdiction and life.

Sorry...IF

If it's something you have always done I think you should carry on, but I also think they are old enough to say thank you! Perhaps a note before the birthday date to say you are not certain the present has been getting to them so you won't bother this year! That should sharpen them up.

That's a good idea Midgey. I think I would still send this year. They have had a tough time and at a very difficult age for that to have happened. Then see if you get a response.
Our formula is to give, usually some money, until they are 18. Then if they have children we start the process again!

Maybe start writing to them or if you're on Facebook send them a friend request. Or if you know their phone number send them occasional texts asking them about their lives? Sharing something of yours? As they get older they may be able to have a relationship with you without their parents interference or assistance.

Many thanks for all your responses, the girls do live quite a way away and Mom does not seem inclined to facilitate visits. I'm not on facebook (originally was but got so fed up of people posting selfies looking for attention, deleted my account). I'll try writing to them prior to their birthday and see what happens.
Once again thank you for your replies.

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I find it really strange that people stop sending grandkids birthday and Christmas presents at 18 or 21 they don’t stop being your grandchild (or whatever relation they are) just because they age
Some of my grandkids earn much more than me but they are still my grandkids and all get the same I can’t see how I could still send the younger ones and not the others that would feel so wrong