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difficult adult daughter

(97 Posts)
Ziggy62 Thu 03-Aug-17 18:06:18

My 27 year old daughter came to stay with us last weekend as she was attending the hen night of a friend. Her partner came with her and he stayed with us on the night she was away. The first evening she was fine, the following day her partner used my car to take her to meet her friends. The day after the hen party we went to collect her (myself, my new husband and her partner), we then went on to a local market I thought she would enjoy and the next day we went to a couple of local tourist spots which she had said she would like to visit.

Apart from the first evening, she was a total nightmare. Everything I said was wrong, she snapped at me constantly, complained I'd bought too much food (she is a vegan), told me in a very rude manner to go to her friend's car to collect her bag then snapped at me when I asked her friend which car park the car was in. Made rude comments about the market and the people in it, made fun of her friends and criticised everything about the hen party and how her friends were dressed.

I wont bore everyone with all the details but she was extremely rude and verbally abusive. In the end I went to bed early and cried. She was fine with my husband and after I went to bed I could hear her laughing and joking.

They left on Monday evening & on Wednesday evening I sent her a text explaining how her behaviour had upset me. She replied asking for "examples" . She went on to say she had warned me she would be tired & grumpy after the hen party and I should have been prepared for it. She said I was absurd in the way I reacted to her over the weekend and I should have said something at the time. The reason I didn't was due to consideration for her partner.

We had planned to meet for lunch at the end of August in the city she is now living but I have told her that I wont be going as I don't want to ever have a repeat of last weekend. This isn't a new thing with her. I don't want to stay away from her but I cant deal with her behaviour

Ziggy62 Sat 12-Aug-17 19:52:11

thanks for all the supportive posts, time to move on

Starlady Fri 11-Aug-17 13:16:25

But maybe you should let this go for now, as a pp said. You already told her how you felt. Her complaints about it might just be defensive and coming from guilt. Meanwhile, she gave you a clue as to how to handle this if it happens again - speak up in the moment, which, I'm glad to see you've decided to do.

Did she give you any other clues as to what was wrong or how you could put an end to it in the future? If so, maybe just let those be your guide and no need to discuss it further. I know you'd like her to show she really "gets it" and that it won't happen again. But I don't think you're going to get that kind of admission or promise out of her. Sorry.

Starlady Fri 11-Aug-17 13:03:55

Sorry Ziggy! My mistake for posting before I read through the thread. Didn't see your earlier explanations about giving dd options, etc.

She might have thought the fact that she "warned" you she would be "tired and grumpy" released her from any responsibility for being kind or polite. Imo, it didn't, but maybe she thinks so.

I still think it was unrealistic - sorry - on both your parts. especially since she had her period. She should have known it would be hard for her to do so much with everyone, etc. I guess she wanted to pack a lot into the weekend, but poor judgment on her part, imo.

Still, she managed to be nice with your dh, etc. Could it be there are some underlying tensions between you and her? Or did you say anything to her that may have set her off?

Or could it be she just feels "Mum" is a "safe" person to take out her grumpiness on (a compliment in a strange way)? I think this is often the case - our ac just feel more comfortable with us mums but because of that they don't always treat us as well. Idk - just trying to figure out where all this rudeness was coming from.

Anyhow, I have this with my dd, too, sometimes, but I object in the moment and she usually backs off. If I object very strongly though, it ends up in a fight that, imo, is not worth having. That's why I suggested a simple, light, "Excuse me?"

I agree that discussing this in person would be better than doing it by text, etc. I think I would ask her why she thought it was "okay" to be rude to me and why she didn't seem to think I had a right to object. Maybe not. Just a suggestion.

Ziggy62 Thu 10-Aug-17 22:32:32

thanks for the support and my heart goes out to others coping with similar problems with daughters

Starlady, I thought I had made it quite clear more than once that ALL the activities we planned that weekend were her choice NOT mine so I find your comment that I was being unrealistic rather uncalled for. I spent a lot of time discussing where she would like to go over the weekend and on the morning after the hen party I gave her the option of going back to our house, staying with her friends or going on to the market, she made the choice to carry on to the market.

Starlady Thu 10-Aug-17 12:09:42

Haven't read all the replies, but I'm sorry this happened. Imo, your dd (dear daughter) was terribly rude. Grrr!!! But you were unrealistic to expect her to do activities with you people the day after the hen party. At least, you should have kept your plans tentative and asked her if she felt up to it, imo.

I understand you're not wanting to visit with her right now. I just hope it won't lead to total estrangement. What was her response to what you said?

Also, I agree with dealing with rudeness in the moment. "Excuse me?" spoken with a raised eyebrow is often all that is needed to call out such bad behavior. It was nice of you to be concerned for dd's partner, but he could survive a simple reaction like that surely?

DameJudyClench Wed 09-Aug-17 21:55:02

I feel your pain Ziggy. I have 3 daughters, and 2 of them are awful to me. One speaks to me as if I'm dirt and the other hasn't spoken to me or acknowledged my attempts to contact her for a long time.

I suggest that you meet your daughter and tell her what you've told us. There's no pain quite like that inflicted on a mother by an ungrateful child. I'm with King Lear on that one.

Madgran77 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:59:57

Ziggy62 No I don't think you did! flowers

Ziggy62 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:58:08

Moving on from that comment, I had a text from her today asking for the recipe of the vegan meal I made for her partner the night she was on the hen night lol. I guess this means she has calmed down

Madgran77 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:57:40

Melody1963 Seriously?

Ziggy62 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:56:42

AIBU? did I really deserve that last comment?

Melody1963 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:33:17

You bought her up. Are you rude to people? Behaviour tends to be learnt, why would she make fun of her friends and the market?

MissAdventure Mon 07-Aug-17 12:28:51

My relationship with my daughter is tenuous at times.
I constantly bite my tongue whilst she patronises me, and says things that anger and often hurt me. It feels as if I have somehow become the child in the relationship.

Faye Mon 07-Aug-17 03:48:31

I'd say your daughter's partner is possibly seeing red flags over her behaviour to you. He would be hoping you continue to the whipping post for your daughter, otherwise he will be next in line.

Ziggy send her back a text and let her know you don't appreciate her taking her bad moods out on you and she should grow up.

mumofmadboys Sun 06-Aug-17 22:31:45

Is that last post intended to help Ziggy62? I fear not mizzmelli.

mizzmelli Sun 06-Aug-17 22:18:21

The daughter sounds like an overgrown rude selfish and ignorant child. Why couldn`t she go to her friends car and get her own bag? And vegan or not, its nothing to do with her what her Mum chooses to buy when shopping. If she behaves like this with her partner I hope he soon realises what she is like and runs for the hills!

FarNorth Sun 06-Aug-17 21:57:20

I guess her friends were drinking and probably behaving a bit stupidly. Maybe that annoyed and upset her.
It's not an excuse for rudeness to her mum, though!

Ziggy62 Sun 06-Aug-17 21:06:28

thank you to everyone who replied, truly wasn't expecting such a response. So many of your replies made me laugh, a few made me quite annoyed but the support was overwhelming and more than helpful.

Sorry I cant reply to all individually but have to say once again, drink or any sort of hangover was certainly not the cause, she is very anti drink (as I have mentioned more than once). Her father died when she was 17 due to cancer, quite possibly caused by alcohol abuse. Although she wasn't happy about me re-marrying she gets on extremely well with my new husband, far better than I ever expected and was polite to him at all times.
I've taken on board your advice and in future will tell her at the time that I will not accept any rudeness from her.
Yes, she did have her period!
Jinty44, loved your reply, really made me laugh
Nemoiudex- If I had explained all her she said then you wouldn't think I "may have over reacted"

Yesterday she text me to after 3 days of silence, apparently I annoyed her by telling her how I felt. I wont be saying any more until I see her in person. This may or maynot be at the end of the month, we will see.
For all those dealing with similar problems, you have my sympathy, no matter how much we love our children it isn't an easy situation

Ziggy62 Sun 06-Aug-17 20:45:12

Norah, I'm sorry but you couldn't be more wrong. She is very very very anti drink and so I know for certain her mood was nothing whatsoever to do with a hangover.

Norah Sun 06-Aug-17 19:45:09

Though you think not, it sounds as if she had too much drink at the hen party. Staying away sounds wise, let her calm down and think about her behaviour.

Madgran77 Sun 06-Aug-17 18:57:27

Interestingly I am aware of this dynamic with my DIL .her mother died several years ago and their relationship appears to have been difficult. I ind that frequently her behaviour and responses to me seem to be unrelated to me atall ...its like she "anticipates" a negative response or behaviour from me that doesn't happen but she responds to me as if it had ...and behaves badly and unkindly at times, to say the least!

Gardenman99 Sun 06-Aug-17 09:13:21

I am afraid human nature is such that if one lets others walk over them then those others use you as a doormat.
If you had said to her when she was rude in the first place
"Who do you think you are talking to, you rude b**ch" She would have been stopped in her tracks.

maddyone Sat 05-Aug-17 23:58:59

I'm actually truly shocked by the number of ladies on here saying that their beloved daughters behave so badly towards their mothers, and it does seem to be most often towards the mother! The one heart warming thing about this whole thread is that in the main everyone is caring and supportive of the others, especially the one who is suffering and starts the thread. There are perhaps a couple of judgemental posts, but thankfully these are few.
I do wonder how we have managed to produce adults who are, at least sometimes, so unkind towards their mothers, whilst holding down responsible jobs, running homes, caring for children etc. My DH says it's the way society, technology, the way of life, it has changed. Younger people are used to instant gratification now, whilst we had to wait. Also, I never dared speak back to my parents, I would have been in serious trouble if I had. We weren't given the choices they've had, we had less to choose from, they have a whole world with the internet. I don't know, I just wonder. And why does it seem so often to be the girls?
What I do know is that when a much loved child abuses a parent, it hurts.

Newquay Sat 05-Aug-17 23:02:25

We have 2 DDs, aged 41 and 39. Elder DD is fine but DD2 can be so difficult! She has upset me a lot recently when I've been under a lot of stress with their Dad being so ill. Went to visit last weekend. I resolved not to get drawn into anything so said very little to her, mercifully DGD was full of life as ever. She was quite solicitous towards her Dad. I just find it very sad. She lives a long way away so contact is via texts etc. Frequently she just doesn't answer texts-I know she has her phone with her all the time. I try so hard not to pester her too. A new baby is due at the year end. It should be such an exciting, happy time and we'll do all we can to help but I'm dreading it-how sad is that? Knowing I'm not alone doesn't help really!!

Sugarpufffairy Sat 05-Aug-17 21:34:10

I have read the full thread. I am shocked that so many of us Grans are putting up with so much verbal abuse. Other the other hand I feel it confirms that it is not just me.
I have 2 daughters, no husband, no parents or other family. I frequently think if my husband could see this he would spontaneously combust! My children constantly put me down. Apparently I cant even sweep a floor, hoover a carpet, any household task. I also cant do anything right at all.
Both daughters have literally fought with each other. In one hospital one hit the other who was an inpatient due to complications of pregnancy. It was shocking. Nurses saw I was in a state. In another hospital they were shouting abuse at me in the corridor and another nurse informed me and my very ill caree that shehad seen this.
They dont listen to any advice and then moan when they get into difficulties. They used to think I would sort out all their financial problems however I have now taken the view that I am doing no favours by not letting them face the true results of their conduct in al respects.
While I do not bear any great love for their respective partners (one current and one exed), I am concerned that they have been severely affected by the conduct of my daughters and their partners.
They were not brought up to behave like this. I am a very quietly spoken person and do not swear, I never hit people I do not know where they got this idea from unless it was because both partners come from different backgrounds to ours but they are both similar. I can not understand why youngish men should be so beaten down by both my daughters.
I have worried about the daughters being targetted with abuse from the partners and their only way of letting off steam is to take itout on me and each other. This is why I am not closing the door completely.
If there was a time when they wanted to leave I would provide the finance to rent them properties, I most certainly not have either living in my house. Sad as that is.
I have to protect myself. It has been physical abuse in the past as well.

Nemoiudex Sat 05-Aug-17 21:30:30

I think you may be over-reacting. You reacted to her grumpy remarks as if they were all directed at you, but from what you have said, they actually weren't. Complaining that you'd bought too much food? That's a fairly mundane sort of complaint and maybe if your husband had said it you wouldn't have felt particularly hurt. You shouldn't have felt bothered by her remarks about the market and the people in it (maybe you should have simply agreed with her) or about her friends or the hen party (it isn't as if you had arranged the hen party) so it really amounts to a few snappy remarks about collecting a bag from a car. I think you need to think about what you found hurtful - was it that you wanted it to be a lovely day with your daughter and she spoiled the mood? But you wouldn't surely want your daughter to put on an act just to please her mother? I'd suggest you try to build bridges with her. Don't put up with any cr*p, of course and if she is rude, stand up for yourself and say "don't be rude" but equally, don't play the martyr and don't try to make her feel guilty because people don't respond well to that. Don't let your husband tell her "your mother was very upset and I think you should apologise" because that just puts more barriers in the way. Draw a line, put it behind you and try another day out or another lunch together.