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AIBU

difficult adult daughter

(96 Posts)
Ziggy62 Thu 03-Aug-17 18:06:18

My 27 year old daughter came to stay with us last weekend as she was attending the hen night of a friend. Her partner came with her and he stayed with us on the night she was away. The first evening she was fine, the following day her partner used my car to take her to meet her friends. The day after the hen party we went to collect her (myself, my new husband and her partner), we then went on to a local market I thought she would enjoy and the next day we went to a couple of local tourist spots which she had said she would like to visit.

Apart from the first evening, she was a total nightmare. Everything I said was wrong, she snapped at me constantly, complained I'd bought too much food (she is a vegan), told me in a very rude manner to go to her friend's car to collect her bag then snapped at me when I asked her friend which car park the car was in. Made rude comments about the market and the people in it, made fun of her friends and criticised everything about the hen party and how her friends were dressed.

I wont bore everyone with all the details but she was extremely rude and verbally abusive. In the end I went to bed early and cried. She was fine with my husband and after I went to bed I could hear her laughing and joking.

They left on Monday evening & on Wednesday evening I sent her a text explaining how her behaviour had upset me. She replied asking for "examples" . She went on to say she had warned me she would be tired & grumpy after the hen party and I should have been prepared for it. She said I was absurd in the way I reacted to her over the weekend and I should have said something at the time. The reason I didn't was due to consideration for her partner.

We had planned to meet for lunch at the end of August in the city she is now living but I have told her that I wont be going as I don't want to ever have a repeat of last weekend. This isn't a new thing with her. I don't want to stay away from her but I cant deal with her behaviour

mumofmadboys Thu 03-Aug-17 18:13:59

Perhaps you could meet at the end of August and just say that you hope the two of you get on better this time. I'm sorry you have been hurt by her thoughtless behaviour. Well done for pointing it out. Hope things improve.

fiorentina51 Thu 03-Aug-17 18:16:54

Forgive me but she sounds like a stroppy 14 year old.
You have my sympathy.
What does your OH think?
I wish I could offer some constructive advice but fwiw, I think you have done the right thing regarding your meal out. Keep the lines of communication open and remain friendly and give it some time.
I hope it all works out for you. 💐

Oriel Thu 03-Aug-17 18:17:55

That's awful behaviour. What does your husband make of it? She seems to have singled you out as she was fine with the others. She's asked for examples of the behaviour that reduced you to tears and if I were you I'd put it all down in writing, no holds barred, and send it to her. I'd finish the letter by saying that you won't be meeting with her at the end of the month as you've no wish to have a repeat of recent events. Then I'd wait for her to get in touch.

I hope everything works out for you.

mumofmadboys Thu 03-Aug-17 18:23:47

It depends how stubborn she is. What happens if she never gets in touch?

FarNorth Thu 03-Aug-17 18:24:28

Give her the examples, in writing.

Tired and grumpy is one thing, there's no reason for total rudeness.

paddyann Thu 03-Aug-17 18:58:14

is your "new" husband very new? Does she feel you're replacing her dad ? Maybe she doesn't want to see you being happy around someone else if thats what you've done in HER opinion.On his own your OH wont be the same problem just when you're together and she can see you wont be getting back with her Dad.My GD was exactly the same when her dad wasgetting married ,she was fine with him living with his partner ,marriage was very different,my GD is only 10 though ,but theres no accounting for feelings no matter what age we are

geeljay Thu 03-Aug-17 20:41:05

It is a sad state to get into, through apparently no fault of yours. Sometimes, we have to be bigger than others, who are rude, and just leave an option for them to come back to you. I think having happiness with your new man might have some bearing on the events described. Good luck.

Cold Fri 04-Aug-17 16:54:51

If she had been at a hen party is it possible that she was a bit hungover/unwell and didn't really feel up to the sightseeing itinerary that you'd planned but didn't know how to tell you?

NanaandGrampy Fri 04-Aug-17 17:52:58

Sounds like you should have pulled her up at the time and she should have said if she was too tired/hungover/grumpy to do the planned activities.

Maybe some more open communications would help.

f77ms Fri 04-Aug-17 19:55:49

I hear this sort of thing all the time from friends who have daughters ! I would do as others have said , write down what she did to upset you and send it . It would do her good to understand how nasty and rude she was to you . She possibly had a hangover but it is no excuse to make the visit a misery for you .

radicalnan Sat 05-Aug-17 09:12:01

'Don't be rude' is a useful phrase...........use it at the time, no point sending letter (which I think is emotional admin) after the event. I don't understand why people tread so carefully around their AC, I would make my feelings known at the time, in the hope that it would stop there.

I see a lot of this among my friends, and on GN who are these horrible adults who think they have the right to abuse their parents kindness. Tell her off. If she decides to go away and stay away then you are relieved of a problem. I think it is a cheek of people to go on a hen night (or any other night) and knowingly inflict their hang over on others, insist she shows you some respect, because if she doesn't know when you are older and maybe more vulnerable she will treat you even worse.

She would not behave like this with other people, she is using her child relationship with you to vent her spleen, she is not your baby anymore, she is a grown up. Stop the tantrums.

loopyloo Sat 05-Aug-17 09:14:07

Tell her to grow up.

razzmatazz Sat 05-Aug-17 09:17:25

She asked for examples of her bad behaviour. Forward a copy of your post. You explained it beautifully. I would feel exactly the same as you do. Daughters like this always put you on your back foot and usually make you feel as though everything is your fault. I do feel for you.

maddyone Sat 05-Aug-17 09:24:48

ziggy62 I feel for you, I have been there and got the teashirt. When your child behaves badly towards you, it is more painful than words can say. When you have given birth, adored and loved that child through thick and thin all their lives, and then they are verbally abusive towards you it does hurt enormously. I have lived through this so I understand. I don't have much advice because the situation continues, on and off, for me. It often seems you can't do right for doing wrong. Do you think she could be upset about your new husband? Is she jealous/resentful of the new person in your life? And is her own father around?
In my case I tend to withdraw when I'm attacked, and it might be your reaction too, judging by your saying you don't want to go the preplanned lunch with her, I'm guessing that withdrawal may be your response too. For some of us, conflict is too painful and difficult so we avoid it.
I think that probably, as you've said you won't be going, probably best not to go to the lunch. You have been assertive in saying that, maybe she will respect you more in the end because of that. I would advise texting her as you always have done, wait a while for the dust to settle, then make a new lunch date with her. Good luck.

harrysgran Sat 05-Aug-17 09:26:51

I think like your daughter says it might have been better to say something at the time and I would most certainly do that it might of led to a bad atmosphere at the time but things like this fester in families in the future if she acts like a child I would treat her like one and tell her off for her rudeness

Loujoamk Sat 05-Aug-17 09:34:07

I have struggled in the same way with my daughter who is the same age! I think we are easy targets lol!
I think it is great that you pointed out that hr behaviour upset her - stand firm if she makes excuses or tries to shift the blame to you or infer that you had any responsibility for it! I would meet her as planned - but you could pre empt it by saying to her that you hope it is a more pleasant experience ( or words to that effect). Give her a chance to change her behaviour or reflect - I think daughters can default to child mode and forget that we too have feelings. I admire that you pointed this out to her - I do need to do that more often as I struggle in a similar way - but communication is important ( and forgiveness too)! Don't let it become a long protracted issue - unless it continues of course! I hope that you can go and meet her.

Marieeliz Sat 05-Aug-17 09:35:15

Saying things at the time when others are present can cause an atmosphere, so I wouldn't do so either. I would, being a polite person, put up with it like the poster did. I think sending the message, as it is written here a good idea. I would never have dreamed of speaking to my Mum in that manner.

Loujoamk Sat 05-Aug-17 09:39:03

Sorry - just realised that you said you wouldn't be going! In my experience there may be a risk of this becoming a protracted situation and she will revert to the fact that you didn't come to meet her ( I speak from experience lol)! I would arrange another meeting maybe a few weeks later and say that you will hopefully have recovered by then! So you have made your point but also thrown her a lifeline ?

farmor51 Sat 05-Aug-17 09:39:03

I had the same treatment from my 46 (FORTYSIX!) year old daughter for a couple of years . I swallowed the hurt thinking that she must be tired/stressed with a three year old and working fulltime. In between the outbursts she is fine and although it is not nice to be insulted by your children, it is probably better they let their frustrations out on us than someone who might not be so understanding.

Marthajolly1 Sat 05-Aug-17 09:40:53

I do understand how hurt you are feeling. My DD has been using me as her punchbag for the past few years. It would seem everything that goes wrong for her is my fault. She is so angry her life has not turned out the way she hoped and lashes out at me. She behaves like a spoilt 6yrold when she's in her 30s. And yes I always get demands to explain how she has been abusive me but because I let it go I struggle to give her examples. I've been so patient because she is always so sensitive but this has been a big mistake. I should have told her to grow up years ago. Sometimes I just can't be bothered defending myself anymore. Whatever I do is wrong. If I make contact I'm being needy, If I don't then I'm being uncaring. sometimes I feel I just can't be bothered anymore. I hope you can get over this phase of her life and enjoy the bond you still have. Good luck.

IngeJones Sat 05-Aug-17 09:43:49

Just go to the lunch and instead of taking her grumpiness personally, just feel sorry for her that she can't act her age and pray she grows up eventually. That's what I've had to do with one of my children. I see them both regularly, but with one it's more in a hope he will one day become the person I was trying to raise. As neither of them live with me it's not a big problem for me how they want to be. smile

ap123 Sat 05-Aug-17 09:52:27

I feel for you Ziggy and Maddyone since I am very much in the same boat. I have three children and one of them is horrible to all of us pretty much all of the time. Contradicts everyone, gives short dismissive answers, sits in a sulky silence...
His brother and syster are at a point where they don't want to attend family functions if he is going to be there.
For now I tried to treat him the same way I would treat any other rude guest: politely nod to whatever he says and then move to speak with somebody else, maybe a 'subtle' pointer that "you are probably right but this is a complicated subject for insert-name-of-occasion"...The problem is that it kills the conversation with everybody else since he will just to the same no matter what we talk about.
On one occasion when I called him out on being rude to me he apologized a couple of days later but then he was soon back to his old self.
I don't want to loose contact with him but I might just have to see him separately from the others and keep one-to-one meetings short: a couple of hours rather than a week-end.
Like you I'll see him at the end of the month...

ajanela Sat 05-Aug-17 09:53:40

If she warned you that she would be tired and grumpy after the hen night why did you decide to visit the market. I think she would have preferred to go back to your house and catch up on her sleep. I think you annoyed her by expecting her to do things she didn't feel up to. She worked hard at being polite to your DH and her partner and she was angry with you for not listening to what she had said, and you didn't pick up that her behavior might have been due to tiredness.

Bit hasty cancelling a lunch at the end of August, you could have given time for things to cool down and given her a second chance. You seem to be risking breaking a relationship with your daughter after one bad weekend.

She said you should have mentioned it at the time and then she could have said she felt tired and you might have changed your plans.

I think you should phone her and have a chat to sort things out.

ethelwulf Sat 05-Aug-17 09:58:21

Saying nothing when you are confronted with rudeness merely gives positive reinforcement to a negative behaviour pattern. As for "not wanting to upset anyone else", the person exhibiting rude behaviour has already done that, and you would simply be redressing the balance. No need to get emotional... just clearly and calmy point out that their behaviour towards you is unacceptable, and you will not tolerate it. If they then choose to kick off, leave their emotional baggage with them. Any spectators will be able to see them for what they are, and if the rude person ever chooses to try it on with you again they will be in no doubt as to what your response will be, whether in public or not...