...to be really hurt by this?

I never expect anything from anybody. Life is too short to allow other people to cause you hurt. Everything nice that comes your way is then a bonus. My life is mostly great as a consequence!

I know we will always come after my DiL's family even though we are unbelievably supportive. We were there the night before one wedding helping to decorate the venue. Her parents were not. It was my DiL's nieces who were bridesmaids not ours. We helped the others by painting, installing kitchens etc and helping moving etc and where were her parents? Not in evidence!
We also gave them a hell of a lot more money than their families towards houses, equipment etc as I saved up for the event and theirs just didn't. They are not poor either. It just doesn't matter what we do, the DIL's just feel more comfortable with their own family.
I can't really complain, because I did the same, and me and my family saw a lot more of my parents than my DHs family. You just have to suck it up. I get on perfectly well with my DiLs but I didn't choose them and they didn't choose me. When you have boys, you just don't realise what is going to happen, even if you know the old adage...A daughter is a daughter..... etc.
Please don't write and bore me by telling me about the exceptions as I know there are always some. BUT of all my close girl friends With Dil's feel the same way as I do. Some really dislike their DILs as they rule the roost and boss their beloved sons about.... personally I think life is too short and I have my own life to get on with. I do what I can to help if I can. However, I need to concentrate on my own life and be positive , as it is short enough. You are going to be hurt time and time again if you, as his parents, think you are on a par with hers. You ain't.

I agree with quite a few of the posters...you have a bed to stay in ... with No.2 son....I don't see the problem.

Lol! I doubt that ds2 would want to go furniture shopping with his mum, as a pp suggested. But yes, if you decide to stay with him, do bring some comfort food and/or an item or 2 to make his flat more comfortable/homey - a small rug or a lamp to read by, if he needs it, or whatever.

Rereading, I think you suspect that ds1's ils were purposely invited to stay so that there would be an excuse not to have you stay there. And that may be true, especially if there are any tensions between you and ds/dil. But maybe dil's just not comfortable with anyone sleeping over but her own foo (family of origin). Or maybe there's some other reason why her parents and sister are staying there. Don't try to figure it out - just go and enjoy!

My wife and I experienced similar, when our son got married. He lives overseas, where we lived, until my wife, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. As we were both retired, we couldn't live there without income. We had to come home and buy a house here in Scotland. After my wife got over the worst spell of the cancer, we started going to visit our family. Who'd all lived there since childhood. We went out every year at the end of February, when the school holidays were over, as it was much less congested then and the climate, was at its best. When my son told us he was getting married, two weeks, before we'd arrive on holiday, we asked him and his intended, if they could postpone the wedding, until we arrived on holiday. His bride to be, told us, it was the only time, her cousins from America could come. We explained our dilemma, but we didn't even get an answer from her. We had to change our arrangements, to accommodate her. My wife never liked her, from the first day we met the and she detested her from that day on. She was an ugly, fat, coarse girl. I tolerated her for my sons sake. But my wife never spoke to her, from that day, till the day she died. It seemed that her cousins, were more important, than her future husbands parents. I was going to miss the wedding, but my wife wanted to see her son getting married. We went, but there was a rift there, that never healed. I'm afraid I can't advise you, what to do, it's just to let you know, I can understand how you feel

Julia. Some good advice here; I hope you are feeling happier about things. I can understand why DILs sister and family are staying with your DS1 but you were invited to the party and have been invited to stay with DS2 - albeit in not the best of situations. 400 miles is a long way to travel for a party - good for you for going. I did suggest staying in a hotel - partly because I don't like disturbing people when I get up in the night and there have been times when sheets have not been changed - this wouldn't worry my children!! Staying with friends and family, or having them stay with us, can be difficult at times, especially for longer stays. I like my own space and freedom to come and go as I like. I like to visit and meet up but overall prefer to stay close by. Don't let this situation spoil the party for you or your family. If you can afford it DS2 might enjoy a few nights in a hotel with you.

Maybe the guests that are staying with them are going to help set up the party, cook food, prepare the bar, music etc? That's why they are staying.
It could be a simple case of they just want you to arrive and enjoy the party and so S2 can look after you and arrive with you......possibly as support for you both.
Look on the bright side and you will always see light.
You do sound a negative person who finds fault easily and maybe the party givers just want to keep you in an uplifted mood to enjoy the celebrations.
I hope you have a really lovely day.

Maybe S2 is looking forward to spending time with you?

Stay with Son 2. I think he would be hurt if you were happy to stay with Son 1, but not him. Staying with Son 2 could give him the chance to discuss his situation in private. I hope you have a nice time together and enjoy the party.

Take a hotwater bottle!

other son

Typical treatment of the son's mother by DiL and her family.
Nor any that I know either Iam64

Some good advice on here JulisaSeizer and I hope realise that it was not something that was deliberately hurtful and that you can take the opportunity to enjoy yourself and see your other soon too.

Perhaps you reap what you sow in some instances AmMaz.

That's a bit strong AmMaz. Sweeping generalisation that probably fits some, but by no means all situations.

And maybe an opportunity to ask DS2 if , by way of saying thanks for looking after you, you can buy something for his new place.
New bedding, a rug, a sandwich toaster or some other little gift to make his Spartan place more comfortable?

No you're not being unreasonable. Typical treatment of the son's mother by DiL and her family.

That should be don't book into a hotel!

I agree with Carol and other who say book into a hotel. That would be a slap in the fact for DS2. My father and his wife did that to me. We already had a difficult relationship but deciding that they would rather book into a hotel than stay at my small but manageable flat, especially without discussing it with me first, was very upsetting.
You can mother DS2 and party with DS1. Sounds good to me.

PamelaJ1 is right, he could be very hurt and he could be looking forward to having some 'quality time' with mum, particularly if he is not in a good place emotionally at the moment.

No don't book into any accommodation.. have you thought that your son may be looking forward to hosting you and he would be hurt if you did that.
No point upsetting anyone else.

I can understand your hurt but would you want to be in the house with all the hectic preparations & mess the following day? I think staying with DS2 sounds better even if his flat lacks some of the comforts of home. DS2 might also welcome the chance to have his DM around. Are you driving to DS2's flat, in which case I agree with others, take an electric blanket, extra duvet or better still nice fleecy throws. Go & enjoy the party without being asked to help with preparations, have a good time.

I definitely wouldn't book into a B&B - you might end up hurting everybody! I can absolutely see your point but I'd stay in the peace and quiet of DS2 and take warm clothes. Maybe he'd be grateful for your help (not physical!) in the new place and also the company as he's recently separated. Have a lovely time!

Please don't be upset, son1 may be congratulating himself that he has found such a satisfactory way of accommodating you and in a way he would be right. You will have a chance to have some time with son2 on his own and see how he is coping with the recent break up. Agree with others saying take/get him some bits and if you can have a meal out with him, let him talk, the weekend could fulfil two things at one go.

Please don't waste your time being miffed- just enjoy the party and realise how lucky you are that son2 has offered you his bed.

I've learned to expect nothing and get on with my own life. You get hurt when you expect, so don't do it. You are right of course but learn from it and don't give anyone your power x

Book into a local Premier Inn, organise taxis to and from the venue, be independent and enjoy the day

Oh gosh what could be better than staying with son2 especially if he's having a new start, like others I d say take it as a way to take him some bits and pieces and use his bed that he's offered and take your hottie bottle and enjoy the party
I have stayed on a mattress on the floor before now and gladly would again I would imagine it's no more than the others asked first don't get hurt over it