Gransnet forums


3rd anniversary of Adopters postbox letter looming

(29 Posts)
Ashmore32 Mon 07-Aug-17 10:55:11

AIBU to feel cheated and hurt by Adopters letters? Her letters are happy in such a gloating way. She slips in information about her parents and uses granny and grandad phrases like she knows it hurts both me and my son who hates her. Mainly for broken promises made.
We are supposed to write cheery letters back not giving any hint of the wreckage she is part of. Our life is a mess since this event, mainly due to the cost incurred to us.
I am going to ask that she doest mention her parents again this time unless she calls them her parents.
We are expected to write letters on the memory of 3 years old photos as she refuses to part with even a picture of our GD up against a blank wall. I cannot believe she will keep her side of the bargain of sharing what we send as she grows up- simply preferring to recite the SS lies that will keep her hopes of our GD not wanting to find her dad when she grows up. We will no doubt be long gone by then.
Another grandchild is looming and decisions not to be called Granny Nana or such have been made. We cannot get excited about anything anymore

Eglantine19 Mon 07-Aug-17 11:15:09

Ashmore, you are obviously in pain but I can't really understand your post. I am fairly new so I apologise if this is an ongoing issue. I am adopted myself so I am interested.

Smileless2012 Mon 07-Aug-17 12:13:07

Apologies Ashmore but I'm also confused. Are you talking about exchanging letters with a D you had who was adopted?

ninathenana Mon 07-Aug-17 12:24:15

Yes I agree, you need to explain more before we can comment.
Your anguish is obvious flowers some maybe able to help if they had more detail.

Ashmore32 Mon 07-Aug-17 12:43:55

No- My Granddaughter will be 5 in October- she is adopted and I am struggling with the attitude style and language used in the Adopters letters.
I am starting to wonder why we agreed to this in the first place. I do not see any benefit to our GD who may never want to read what we send knowing what she will be told which are lies.
Wondering if it was all a big mistake. My son - her Dad and I get no reassurance from those who tell us she will come looking, why would she! So why continue with the pretence that she will

Bibbity Mon 07-Aug-17 12:49:30

Why was she adopted? Were SS involved?
Are there court documents?
I should it her writing the letters or her parents?

Smileless2012 Mon 07-Aug-17 13:08:15

That's terrible Ashmoresad and I can understand why you're hurt by these letters. If there are guidelines to assist all involved with this process, they should be adhered too.

I wonder, would it do any good to explain how you feel about some of the content? She may not realise that she's coming across as gloating.

Many years ago my cousin and her partner had their baby girl adopted. She'd suffered traumatic physical and mental
problems as a result of an extremely difficult birth.

I don't know that much about it, but she told me it was an 'open' adoption so they were able to arrange for 2 visits a year as well as the customary birthday and Christmas cards and present.

When she reached adolescence my cousin decided to stop the visits. Her partner never went but my aunt always used to with her for support and also because she wanted to see her GD.

Despite no longer visiting she still receives a letter annually letting her know how things are going. I appreciate that for the adoptive parents of a child without the physical and mental problems my niece has, there may be concerns about the child not regarding them as family as much as their biological relations but that said, your GD's mum needs to be sensitive to you and your son.

I hope things improve for youflowers

petra Mon 07-Aug-17 13:11:10

But surely the Adopters parents are now the child's grandparents. What is she to call them?
You say your son hates 'her', I'm assuming that they have met several times for him to come the conclusion that he hates her, or did these feelings come out after the adoption?

annsixty Mon 07-Aug-17 13:35:59

I think you should be very happy that the whole family have taken the child to their hearts and treat her as their own.
It could have been very different.
I don't think she is gloating , just reassuring you just how much she was wanted and is loved.
It it impertinent to ask why you and your S agreed to this.
You are obviously very bitter about the situation. Could you have kept her and brought her up between you.?

Christinefrance Mon 07-Aug-17 13:36:07

Not sure why there is such antipathy Ashmore it must be difficult I understand seeing others bringing up your child. The adoptive family have to do what they think best and should be allowed to do so. So called ' open adoptions' seem fraught with problems to me.
I don't understand why there is an expectation that an adopted child wants to meet the biological parents, this is not always the case.
Think you have to let go a little now, the decision has been made.

Smileless2012 Mon 07-Aug-17 13:39:43

Would you mind telling us what the broken promises that were made are Ashmore?

mcem Mon 07-Aug-17 14:21:05

My 2 dd's were adopted around 40 years ago and there was no question then of open adoption.
If the adopted child is writing cheerful and reassuring letters, why are you so hurt?
Surely you don't want to hear that she is unhappy and the adoption isn't working? My younger DD has never shown any interest in tracing her birth parents while older DD did trace her family.
She has a good relationship with her brother but the rest of the family seem totally indifferent.
Just to illustrate that adopted children react in different ways even when brought up in the same family from 6 weeks old.
I hope you can reach a solution for all of you but especially the adopted child.

mcem Mon 07-Aug-17 14:23:45

Sorry that should read ' if the adopted child's mother is writing'.

Eglantine19 Mon 07-Aug-17 14:31:14

I'm still a bit bewildered. If it's helped Ashmore to get it off her chest, that's good but I can't see how anyone can help with so little information. I was adopted and knew all four sets of grandparents and loved them all. Lucky me !

Divawithattitude Mon 07-Aug-17 17:32:00

Ashmore, her adoptive mother wants you to know that she is happy, surely that is the most important aspect of this situation. I totally understand how the letters make you feel, but think how awful you would feel if they did not show that your granddaughter was happy, with a new adoptive family who love her every bit as much as you and your son do. I hope you can take some comfort from that thought. It's not about you, it's about her and her new life. One day when she is older she will come looking for her dad, it will be as if all those years never existed, I know as I too was adopted.

wildswan16 Mon 07-Aug-17 17:41:34

As others have said, I cannot understand your problem very well. Surely if the child has been adopted she now has a new mum and dad, and new grandparents too.

If it has been arranged that you and her father get regular information about her from letters from the adoptive parents then surely you can be happy to receive that information and know that she is being well cared for in a loving environment with an extended family.

I'm sure it was very sad for all concerned that the adoption had to take place, but that is now in the past and hopefully has worked out well for the child. I'm sure the adoptive parents are not trying to "rub your nose in it" or be unkind, and probably want to reassure you of her progress and happiness.

Riverwalk Mon 07-Aug-17 17:57:44

'As others have said, I cannot understand your problem very well. Surely if the child has been adopted she now has a new mum and dad, and new grandparents too. '

That sounds very harsh - you can't understand the problem?

Eglantine19 Mon 07-Aug-17 18:01:47

I hope I didn't sound like that. It just seems a bit muddy to me and I don't see how we can help really ifwedont know what's happened.

Ashmore32 Mon 07-Aug-17 19:59:12

Seems from your replies I am unreasonable and should get over it. So easily said... thank you anyway

Jalima1108 Mon 07-Aug-17 20:13:19

I am sorry, but I don't understand at all.
Who is writing 'gloating' letters?
Not the child because she is only 4 ?
You ask that 'the parents' are not mentioned unless they are called 'the parents'
Whom does your son 'hate'?

She is a tiny girl who sounds as if she had a traumatic time and is now happy and settled with people who seem to love her. If that is the case, can you find it in you to be happy for her even if you miss her, which is so understandable?

Jalima1108 Mon 07-Aug-17 20:14:49

Could you keep a box of letters, treasures and birthday cards which perhaps she could have one day to help her know how much you love her?

mcem Mon 07-Aug-17 21:15:08

I didn't say 'get over it' but did wonder what you would see as an acceptable alternative to the mum's positive leťters.
On the subject of grandparents, do you think we were in some way insensitive as a family when we all referred to my parents as Gran and Grandad.
Surely all the cousins should be treated in the same way?
Does your son know the mother in a context other than the adoption? There's no mention of the birth mother - does she also get letters too?

ElaineI Tue 08-Aug-17 00:11:41

I don't really understand this. If a child is adopted and the letters are from the adoptive parent of course they should be happy and you and your son should be comforted that the child is also happy and surrounded with people who love them. Having just completed Child Protection training today - everything must be in the child's best interest and the child is at the centre of all decisions made - these are statutory laws and you sound like you are blaming the 5 year old child which is a very bad and horrible way to look at it. Yes you are hurt but you and your son are presumably adults so you have to accept that the child now has new parents and grandparents. This child in the future could find out what you are writing here about her and her new mummy! Also why is there another child due if your son and his partner are not together? If they have had one child adopted surely they could have used birth control to avoid the same thing happening again. Often adopters are asked to consider adopting or fostering to adopt their child's sibling/siblings to keep the family of children together which is a good thing. Is this what is happening because at least the children will be together as a sibling group?

GrandmaMoira Tue 08-Aug-17 13:26:13

Ashmore, I'm sorry that you and your DS are finding things so difficult. I'm afraid your letter doesn't make it clear the background to the adoption and it's quite confusing. Did the mother give the child up against your son's wishes?

Ashmore32 Tue 08-Aug-17 21:15:40

I have sat and read these comments
So- I watched NHS staff cause injuries, midwifes delivery was appalling and her documentation a fairy story
Doctors inexperience caused injuries while taking blood- refused to seek help
Midwives refused to take seriously concerns raised suggesting a brain swelling
When the brain swelling caused fits, the A&E staff made a bodge job of the lumbar puncture and refused to scan before the LP which is what they should have done
All the injuries can be explained by all the above.
I watched SS protect with help of police the NHS staff
If I were not an orthopaedic trained nurse who understood all the medical evidence and the glaring holes which even his defence team REFUSED to challenge. My Solictor and Barrister also refused to challenge.
While in Foster care the FC refused to adapt her handing technique to protect my GD head-making the swelling worse. Resulting in the need for a tap after which she took my GD home and within 24 hours she was back in ITU ventilated. My challenge to the Guardian was ignored on 3 separate occasions over behaviour or the foster carer.
I too have done safeguarding to level 3. My concerns raised at the hospital were ignored in favour of the SS whose plan was adoption in the first instance- no objective effort to assess the parents.
The adopter agreed to meet with the parents, accept gifts and photos .Promised to return the same. All promises broken.
We are currently trying to raise funds to appeal the findings delayed thorough the court process and no funding. My son went to prison for all this and you wonder why we are angry.
I know of two other children from the same hospital whose parents have gone trough the same process only to find at appeal that the hospital were negligent in their investigations.
The evidence available for the parents was ignored. The relevant testing of the mother was denied by the SS and Judge. When the mothers Vitamin D results were well below that of her infant daughters, 5 weeks after prescription formula feed was started and hers was still in the insufficient range. Three tests never done and two more never completed despite my comments that were needed - remember my speciality is Bones! The use of antibiotics in the first week of life contributing to bruising and later testing suggesting von willebrands but because by this time my GD had been placed waiting court final hearing- they didn't want to pursue it.
Stolen children are a fact and most SS won't like it said. "There but for the grace of" goes so many families. Unless you have lived losing a child in this way you will not begin to realise the pain and hatred it brings.
Yes I am happy she is happy but having our noses rubbed in it doesn't helps return a letter. Doesn't help at all