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AIBU feel frustrated with husband....

(63 Posts)
icbn2802 Tue 15-Aug-17 13:13:54

Husband has always been a hard worker. Would never take that away from him & credit where credit's due, would always do anything to help anyone when they need or ask. I'm left feeling like I am being unreasonable when I still inwardly get so frustrated with him. He just seems to have little or no interest in our home or it's upkeep. I know he's a blue ar$e fly a lot of the time & I don't want to put him down but when I start on about the state of the place, I'm not exaggerating it is a dump, desperately in need of some TLC "everywhere" he just says "as long as I can get into my bed at night" nothing else matters. He says the welfare of all those he loves is all that matters and he just "doesn't notice" the cobwebs, the mould, the disintegrating ancient carpets etc etc but it's driving me mad and there's no escape from it.
AIBU to feel so unhappy??

Eloethan Wed 16-Aug-17 00:16:42

Without knowing your roles in the relationship, e.g. if you/he are busy at work or doing lots of other things in the home, it's difficult to know whether you are being unreasonable or not and I'm surprised that someone found it so easy to reach the conclusion that you are.

You sound pretty reasonable to me and are very complimentary about your husband in other respects. I have to say that I too would be pretty fed up if my husband was going out of his way to help others but was unwilling to listen to me when I say that the state of our home is getting me down. Instead, your husband seems only to be caring about how he feels (happy as long as he can get into bed at night) rather than caring about how you feel.

I agree with those who say if you possibly can afford it, things like leaks, mould and damp should be the priorities. And, as has been said, there are some things that you can do to spruce the place up - have a real "spring clean" - clean windows, carpets, paintwork, etc. etc. - but I assume there are other things that you aren't able to put right.

I wish I could say something more helpful because I understand how you feel - I would find it depressing if my house was falling into disrepair and looked very shabby (my house isn't picture-perfect, perhaps a little shabby in places, but I certainly wouldn't describe it as "a dump" and I would feel very miserable if it was).

I wonder if you have impressed upon your husband just how much this is distressing you. If not, I think you should. I think these sorts of issues - where one partner pays little attention to the needs or requests of the other - can ultimately build up great resentment and damage a relationship.

Eloethan Wed 16-Aug-17 00:25:45

Sorry icbn, I should have read the thread properly. I've just seen you say that you look after a grandchild for two days a week and do most of the household chores so, to my mind anyway, you are not being at all unreasonable.

To those who say icbn should get on and do it herself, I think that is unfair. It sounds like she does quite a lot already and she hasn't indicated that she wouldn't be willing to help with some of these jobs, just that he takes no interest whatsoever.

MawBroon Wed 16-Aug-17 08:24:02

Some good points here, but may I ask if money is an issue? If not (within reason!) just book tradesmen to do whatever you feel needs doing.
Yes, it is nice to discuss and share projects for your home but some men really don't care and are happier if it is taken out of their hands. Unless you have misgivings in other directions, just get people in for the structural or decorating work and invest in good and easy to use appliances (or a cleaner) for the rest.
Choose your battles!

FarNorth Wed 16-Aug-17 09:58:53

Is it the lack of interest that upsets you, rather than the lack of actual work?

Tell your husband how upsetting the state of the house is, for you, and ask for his help in deciding what to do about it that won't cost too much.
As the welfare of his loved ones is his priority, explain that this is affecting your well-being.

Previous posters have given good suggestions but possibly the feeling of struggling alone is your main problem.

You look after a grandchild - could one, or both, of his parents give you a hand in return for the childcare?

IngeJones Wed 16-Aug-17 11:14:21

I do everything in my house, housework, cooking, DIY. But then I have never had paid work during my marriage, my husband has done a wonderful job of providing the means for me to put food on the table and wallpaper on the walls. In the evenings and weekends we are both off duty and relaxing (he is happy to get a takeaway if I don't want to cook). We like it this way round, I wouldn't swap for anything.

Bbbface Wed 16-Aug-17 11:15:37

What do you think people do living alone.
Sort it themselves.
I'm can't believe that you have allowed your home to get in to such a state despite it being important to you.

jimmyRFU Wed 16-Aug-17 11:17:25

Its taking my husband months (actually over a year) to decorate our lounge dining room. He painted the ceiling, then decided the walls could wait until after our son had been here to dog sit when we went away. Then the walls got done, then the woodwork. Now we have tatty carpet in the lounge but the bare old marley tiles in the diner. No carpet to be done until we have had another holiday and son has dog sat. The new curtains are up, the new sofa cover is on. Now he has decided that the paint he did the woodwork with is rather yellow so its going to be done again. I have a picture in my mind of what the lounge/diner will look like when its finished. In five years time!!! Maybe its a man thing!! We woment can see what needs doing, can picture what it should look like but not men. They make do and mend.

razzmatazz Wed 16-Aug-17 11:19:42

Can you afford to get these jobs done ? Can you afford a once a month deep clean from a cleaning agency or a new carpet ? Accept that he is happy with how things are and organise it all yourself. He is a good man who isn't bothered about his surroundings. I think you should accept that and take control yourself.

DotMH1901 Wed 16-Aug-17 11:20:10

My husband was the same - he would drop everything if his Mum or sisters needed help - and to be honest I am glad he did do his best to help them out as I lost him when he was 46. I have always been very practical and dealt with the decorating (lining paper then whatever colour paint I fancied) and general upkeep of the house myself. He used to have to go away on detached duty from work so I would plan major projects then - one time he came home from six weeks away and I had already gone to bed. I heard him come into the hall then a bang - he had gone to open the living room door and met with a wall. Whilst he was away I had closed up the door nearest the front door and we were using the door down the hall instead (made so much space in the living room). I had battened and plaster boarded the door gap and then redecorated the hall and living room wall so there was no trace of a door being there. Are you able to do some jobs yourself? If you have wooden floors then you can lift your carpets - a few scatter rugs make wooden floors cosy. If you can't wallpaper then can you just paint over the existing paper to freshen up your room? I have, in the past, when asked by DC what I wanted for my birthday/christmas etc said help with redecorating/new curtains/rugs/cushion covers etc - when I retired from work I asked for vouchers for B&Q and bought a chisel, hammer and bits as I was planning on dismantling a fireplace which I did over the first few weeks.

Oddoneout Wed 16-Aug-17 11:20:45

I am in the same position and agree with Allegra22. You want to share the home environment with your husband. How about selling this house and buying something smaller and newer? That is a plan I am working on.

goldengirl Wed 16-Aug-17 11:21:09

Crumbs! I thought it was a post I'd written and forgotten about. It's almost the same as our scenario. I visited friends the other day who have more GC than I do and they manage to keep their homes well decorated, clean and tidy - and more importantly homely and welcoming. I'm tired of being ashamed of mine and would love to have people round - and perhaps I should do it and let them think what they like but..............I will read all these posts again careful and pick up some ideas. Thanks for the thread - it's a comfort in itself.

radicalnan Wed 16-Aug-17 11:21:52

Looking after a grand child must mean there is another adult, maybe two around who could give you a hand.

I bought mould killer from B&Q worked like a charm, and a little block gizmo from Sainsburys (but available in DIY sheds too) that stops mould appearing.

If there is wood under the carpet then the floors may sand nicely if the carpets have had it.

Cobwebs ? The easiest thing of all to get rid of.

If it is his attitude that he really doesn't care because he isn't there much, then you do have to either tackle that or tackle the jobs yourself.

That debt must rankle a fair bit but, if he came to you with the debt and you knew that, then nothing much to reproach him for.

Make a start yourself and see how far you get with the little things, then enlist help and maybe he will join you, if not there will still have been an improvement, however small.

Carola57 Wed 16-Aug-17 11:27:03

Do you have a Time Bank in your area?

Ours is run by our local CVS. People are always offering their services and building up credits then maybe some of the work he does for others can give you credits for the jobs you would like done by other members of your community. Just a thought!

IngeJones Wed 16-Aug-17 11:27:42

Actually I'd advise against trying to persuade a disinterested partner to help with the DIY. I tried it once and decided never to bother again. The disinterest really showed in the result smile

JanaNana Wed 16-Aug-17 11:30:17

What a lot for you to sort out. It sounds like your husband is burying his head in the sand here .....two reasons. As you said he admits he has,nt got a lot of patience for doing all this sort of thing....secondly financial. As it's not possible to get someone in to do various jobs he probably feels quite bad about it,knowing it's the debt he has to repay that is preventing you getting on top of things. It seems it's his way of coping by taking a more relaxed view of it all. I really sympathise with you as have been in a tight squeeze financially myself a long time ago and it's hard to feel cheerful when everything needs lots doing to it. I would write a few little lists for yourself of the things you consider to be most urgent and start with the easiest and least expensive and work from there. Try and stick to one room at a then you can tick it off your list and know it's done before doing the next room. I always painted everywhere in emulsion for a really quick result easy to keep looking fresher and cheaper than wallpaper. Carpet tiles can be bought as and when you can afford them (few at a time until you have enough) very easy to lay and really hard-wearing. Try places like Wickes...The Range..Homebase..their prices are very reasonable and you can order on line with quick delivery times. Once you make inroads you will feel more upbeat. You have a good husband at heart and that is the most important of all.

Shesanana Wed 16-Aug-17 11:38:53

Not unreasonable to have a bit of a rant as far as I'm concerned. Obviously not everyone agrees grin

ajanela Wed 16-Aug-17 11:41:32

"I try my hand at everything I possibly can, currently in various stages of decorating the hall, stairs & landing and two (daughters) bedrooms. It's a slow process when I also look after my grandson 2 days a week-an energetic & 'busy' 3 year old. As well as taking on a majority of household 'chores'."

Well there are other family in the picture and I think you should call for help. Are you 2 daughters old enough to help with the painting of their rooms. One of them at least could weild a roller. The Parents of the grandchild could help. I know someone has to look after the grandchild but 2 adults and maybe your daughters still at home should be able to achieve alot in a day. I think you need a family conference.

Diddy1 Wed 16-Aug-17 12:17:51

I couldnt stand it, I think I would have to start on my own, and as others have said tackle one roon at a time, you will love the place again when you have finished, and you never know DH may get a guilty conscience and help! Good luck with your project,

tonibolt Wed 16-Aug-17 12:21:07

I have some sympathy. I too have a husband who really isn't interested in our house, although when we visit friends he often comments how nice something looks! That drives me mad, when I think of everything that needs doing in ours. I do some bits myself, but can't manage a lot of what needs fixing/replacing. I do buy smaller things, but we desperately need a new settee and chairs, they are in an embarrassing state, but he just doesn't seem to notice. Then he announced he wanted the drive block paved. We don't seem to have the same priorities as there is really nothing wrong with the driveway. It would look nice I suppose, but meanwhile the furniture is falling apart!

willa45 Wed 16-Aug-17 12:49:10

It's difficult to come up with solutions without all the facts.

Does he still have a regular job or did he retire? What exactly does he do for others that takes up so much of his time? Does he do repairs in other people's homes? Are these people strangers, neighbors, close friends or loved ones? Should he be getting paid for any of this? Is he even handy enough to begin with?
I agree with you that the neglect and disrepair you describe is unacceptable for safety and health reasons and the obvious aesthetics. Perhaps you could appeal to his own 'pride of ownership'. It is after all his home too.....he should care too.

icbn2802I, I would be just as unhappy as you are!

icanhandthemback Wed 16-Aug-17 13:42:54

I understand exactly how you feel. I have a husband who never gets round to doing things around here and if I nag him into it, it gets done churlishly which makes things unpleasant. In every other respect though, he is a model husband so it makes it difficult to complain. It doesn't stop me though!
On the few occasions I have just got workmen in, it has been a disaster. Four years on we are still having troubles with the plumbing done by a professional, a job which would have been done really well by hubby if I just could have waited.
I would say that if your DH does a lot for others but knows your house is depressing you but doesn't put you first, it shows a distinct lack of respect for you as a person which would be my argument with him. I am assuming he is not paid for doing stuff for others so if he is, that is probably unfair. I'd be having a real heart to heart with him about how I felt and asking him if there is any way to compromise.

W11girl Wed 16-Aug-17 14:20:20

I have one just like yours. He does nothing if it has anything to do with the house....he just doesn't get it when I "go on about it". He will throw unnecessary money at a problem rather than deal with it at the time. SO...I don't tell him what I am going to do and I just go out and do buying new carpets, furniture etc...I hire people to fix things that he could easily do and we end up cancelling them because he decides to do it....I manage to get everything done by him with this ploy....but it takes a lot of cunning and planning and timing!! A lot of my time is taken up with housework which he would never even think of doing. He plays with his trainset and model building and I miss out on my hobbies frequently. But hey, he's a good bloke in so many other ways. But I agree it is very frustrating!

patty47 Wed 16-Aug-17 14:57:10

Both my ex husbands were useless at diy, so I learnt myself its really quite satisfying. Useless/lazy/uninterested probably all of those. You will be too busy to cook or do the ironing !

Tessa101 Wed 16-Aug-17 16:25:29

Oh I know how frustrating this can be my ex partner was exactly the same. Real grafter, doing jobs for all and sundry but never me or our home. I eventually did everything myself and what I couldn't do I put an ad out for odd job man, imagine his face when he came home and there was a man in the bedroom putting up new blinds. I loved doing it all myself in the end he never got a say in anything to do with the home after that. Hence he was surplus to requirements and is now my ex.

Bez1989 Wed 16-Aug-17 17:01:51

I've not read all of the replies.....
But my first thought was "Why not do it yourself ?" I lived on my own after a divorce from a young marriage and before I met my husband. I got used to doing things myself and making my own decisions about my home. I still do that and my husband is happy that I do. Try that and maybe you'll accept him for what he is. Just a thought dear. sunshine