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AIBU feel frustrated with husband....

(62 Posts)
icbn2802 Tue 15-Aug-17 13:13:54

Husband has always been a hard worker. Would never take that away from him & credit where credit's due, would always do anything to help anyone when they need or ask. I'm left feeling like I am being unreasonable when I still inwardly get so frustrated with him. He just seems to have little or no interest in our home or it's upkeep. I know he's a blue ar$e fly a lot of the time & I don't want to put him down but when I start on about the state of the place, I'm not exaggerating it is a dump, desperately in need of some TLC "everywhere" he just says "as long as I can get into my bed at night" nothing else matters. He says the welfare of all those he loves is all that matters and he just "doesn't notice" the cobwebs, the mould, the disintegrating ancient carpets etc etc but it's driving me mad and there's no escape from it.
AIBU to feel so unhappy??

Welshwife Tue 15-Aug-17 13:32:18

Can you do something about it? Maybe get someone in to look at the mould and give and idea of what needs doing and cost etc. Cobwebs are usually pretty easy to deal with unless of course you are incapacitated in any way.
Carpets can be dangerous when they start really wearing through so maybe if you point that out he would think about changing them.

Smithy Tue 15-Aug-17 13:35:19

Ah, if you love him just forgive him( as Tammy Wynette I think sang). Wish I had one like him!

Oriel Tue 15-Aug-17 13:38:09

You say he will do anything to help anyone but clearly that offer of help doesn't extend to include you.

If I were in your unenviable position I would sort things out myself. Get someone in to sort out the repairs, redecorate and generally bring things to an acceptable standard. Place an order for new carpeting and get a cleaner in to help with the cobwebs, etc.

devongirl Tue 15-Aug-17 13:47:43

I agree with Oriel - but I would get a list of costings first, then tell hubby that these are the things that need doing, and this is how much it will cost if someone from outside has to be brought in.

icbn2802 Tue 15-Aug-17 13:49:18

I do feel a lot of the diy does fall on my shoulders as he openly admits he just doesn't have the patience. His answer would be to 'get someone in' but we just don't have money going spare so it is near on impossible. He's also got a substantial debt from his previous marriage which still has a number of years till that clears. Feel like I'm going a 'little bit mad' with it all. Just need to rant a bit....

devongirl Tue 15-Aug-17 13:54:39

I sympathise icbn - no hubby at home but lots needs doing, drives me to despair sometimes, can't do it all as I work full time but no money - ah well...

Kateykrunch Tue 15-Aug-17 14:07:04

I agree with Oriel, but as you say that money is a problem, If it was me I would just take on a room at a time myself and give it a good spring clean, tidy up, clean the old carpets (as long as safe) de-clutter and buy 1 or 2 inexpensive items to cheer the room and you up. Take it a step at a time, good luck!

aggie Tue 15-Aug-17 14:16:43

if you start to clear one room at a time , up tell him no dinner till it is done and if he helps it will be quicker wink

Teetime Tue 15-Aug-17 14:17:44

I think I would tackle this by listing down all the things I think need doing in priority order and then seeing what I could do about it within any monies available. Certainly any structural issues like damp etc need dealing with properly and your husband will need to engage with this but you cant start the process of by getting the quotes. After that a fresh coat of paint and a big declutter can do so much to liven things up and you will feel better if you are being proactive. As for your husband and his busyness is it work or play he is doing - if its the latter you might need to put your foot down.

Smileless2012 Tue 15-Aug-17 14:22:27

You are not being unreasonable icbn. You said that "he says the welfare of all he loves is all that really matters" in which case it should matter to him that you're unhappy.

Have you told him just how unhappy the state of the house is making you feel?

Mr. S. is much better than he used to be but years ago when decorating needed doing we always went through the same saga; I'd say we need to decorate, he'd get in a mood, I'd insist, we'd have an argument and then we'd decoratehmm.

TBH I've always done the lions share leaving him to do the bits I can't reach and I quite enjoy it.

Kateykrunch's suggestion is a good one. You can hire a machine for carpets, the rug doctor is good and easy to use. You never know, if you get just one room up to scratch he might appreciate the difference and be inspired; I hope so.

Riverwalk Tue 15-Aug-17 14:26:34

If you're in good health then yes I think you are being unreasonable!

Why can you not deal with cobwebs, mould and the carpets?

Laine21 Tue 15-Aug-17 15:03:18

What is under your carpets? if its floorboards, then can you lift the carpet? I did mine a bit at a time, cutting it into squares till I had the room cleared, then you could stain the floorboards or even do a colour wash with diluted paint.

if they are tiles, then you can take the carpet up, clean the tiles.

then add some rugs, google to see if you have a local freecycle or freegle page, or look in the local charity shops for a rug that's half decent.

I gave up on whole room decorating a few years back and now when I want a change I paint the walls, I've pained over the paper in the back room about 6 times so far.

look at this website, if you have one of these local to you, paint is around £1 a litre, all donated from either people, or companies like Wilkes or B&Q etc... paint that people have bought, opened and then changed their minds. I never ever pay full price for my paint.

they also get kitchen units and doors from time to time, all brand new! (cancelled orders and end of range)

Oriel Tue 15-Aug-17 15:15:23

I have to say I'd be pretty miffed if my husband was available to all and sundry yet couldn't be bothered to help me.

Just a thought.... if you don't have the money for the tasks that need to be done and if you can't do them yourself would it be possible to have a reciprocal agreement with those your husband does feel inclined to help?

By this I mean that next time your husband does something for someone else could they then help you with something in the house for you?

Grannyknot Tue 15-Aug-17 15:21:52

Hi icbn, it sound as if you are possibly resentful about the debt from the first marriage and that underlies your frustration.

I agree with others who have said do what you can, yourself. Ripping out old ugly carpets is a good idea (depends what's under them of course).

teetime sorry but your comment about "putting your foot down" made me chuckle - firstly, I'd be interested to know whether it has ever worked for anyone and secondly I always think, what does it actually mean? I have this mental image of someone stomping around in a Rumperstiltskin tantrum ... smile

M0nica Tue 15-Aug-17 15:32:09

icbn2802, I do understand how you feel. I find it very difficult to cope mentally if my surroundings are rundown.

You say your DH is busy,busy ,busy all the time. but do not say how much time you have to do things to improve matters. I also wonder how creative you are? I do not necessarily mean good at doing things, but, for example repainting the walls goes a long way to freshening a room, even if you have to buy the paint, tin by tin over several months. Go to car boot sales, look on ebay, visit church hall auctions, and flea markets, you can often pick up all kinds of home goods for very small sums.

Go online and look at sites like Pinterest to get ideas about cheap and cheerful make-overs. Start with the room that you most want to look better.

I understand that at the root of your unrest is your DH's attitude, but a lot can be done for very little expenditure.

KaazaK Tue 15-Aug-17 15:50:30

My husband was very talented as a professional builder with very little he couldn't do around the house so for years if I wanted something done, he could do it. Now after an illness he does absolutely nothing around the house or garden so its all left to me. I do what I can, I've learnt to decorate and become quite handy. Some jobs I have had to get someone in or rely on friends to help. It is unbelievably frustrating when things need fixing and H keeps saying he will do it "later" or "tomorrow" and never does it of course! For instance I've waited 4 months for him to fix the toilet in the en-suite which has been out of action so tomorrow a plumber arrives! I agree with the other Gransnetters, start with one room and give it a cheap and cheerful makeover, who knows it might inspire your husband but if not, you will feel a great satisfaction!

Louizalass Tue 15-Aug-17 16:20:31

I feel your pain! My husband started making dolls houses about 20 years ago and asked if I'd mind if he used the back half of our living room as his work space, just for a couple of months. He gave up making dolls houses about 10 years ago. But here we are twenty years down the line the back half of the room is..... dreadful. We have a sort of archway dividing the two halves of the room. The lovely dining room table and wall cabinets which used to be in there are now in the other half of the room which means we're all squashed up. The house is full of his tools and boxes and ... stuff. I've been patience itself. Now he has a heart condition which renders him unable to do much at all. But he has started to move the stuff out of the back of the room and into those little Really Useful boxes (which are now adorning the walls of the main part of the living room and these, of course, have filled it up even more). He's waiting for a heart bypass. After he's recovered from that and has renewed energy, I'm buying him a blimmin great shed to put all his stuff in so I can have my home back! Men are on a different planet.

Eglantine19 Tue 15-Aug-17 16:31:17

I'm a bit unsympathetic really. There's just me and if something wants doing I do it myself. You can clean those cobwebs, apply mould inhibitor, rip up the carpets, paint the walls, put up shelves. Soap and water is cheap. I don't see why it has to be his job. You might even enjoy it. I know I do.

MissAdventure Tue 15-Aug-17 16:39:46

I do almost everything in my flat a bit at a time. Lived here almost 30 years and still not finished! Things have never got so bad that I can't bear it though, so that's something.
If there really is no money spare for someone to come in, I would have a go myself, if I were you. It may even prompt your man into doing a few bits and bobs.

icbn2802 Tue 15-Aug-17 17:14:23

Hmmm a mixed reception I'm getting. Like I've said in my post that my husband is a hard worker and I never could or would fault him for that, I just get frustrated that he's just not phased by the mess & chaos we live in. I try my hand at everything I possibly can, currently in various stages of decorating the hall, stairs & landing and two (daughters) bedrooms. It's a slow process when I also look after my grandson 2 days a week-an energetic & 'busy' 3 year old. As well as taking on a majority of household 'chores'.
I just get annoyed that the house or 'home' is never his priority....

MissAdventure Tue 15-Aug-17 17:39:55

It must be frustrating! I can also understand that its hard work on your own, when its stuff that needs to be done.

Allegra22 Tue 15-Aug-17 18:20:06

My husband is the same and until I came into some money and was able to arrange and pay for things myself nothing got done. It's very frustrating living with someone like that and I've run out of patience many a time. In fact I'm not sure how I'm still married to be honest! I've always done all the decorating and minor repairs myself. It would be lovely to have someone who shows an interest and to share the chores. The saying what you never have you don't miss is just not true! I constantly miss having someone to share the burden.

Cherrytree59 Tue 15-Aug-17 20:30:39

IMHO it would seem that you have issues with your DH that need resolving.
You are on the one hand complaining about his lack of care and attention re your home.
But you also feel the need to explain how hard he works

Would it be possible to sit down an explain to your DH how your home surroundings are causing you upset and concern.
Mould is not something to be ignored its not only detrimental to your health
but extremely dangerous to your 3 yr old GC!sad

rosesarered Tue 15-Aug-17 21:09:15

icbn your DH's first concern should be you so get him to seriously listen to you, and then both set aside time to do the work needed together.You clean up and he decorates the house ( or vice versa) or do it together.Who wants to live in chaos or grubbyness?