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.. to feel uncomfortable bout this book loan ..

(178 Posts)
devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 15:19:14

Hi GNers,

I don't know where to go with this but it is really unsettling me so hoping for pearls of wisdom!

My GD is 24; my current OH has known her since she was a toddler, we've been in a relationship on/off for years, he is now 66.

We both belong to book clubs and frequently swap books; DD has a degree in EngLit so also v interested in books. Recently he had with him a book he was intending to lend to her, but as I was between books he lent it to me first.

Thing is, it's a beautifully written novella - no problem there; but the first quarter contains a long explicit and intimate (physically and emotionally) description of a sexual encounter.

When I read it, I was horrified at the idea of him (66-year-old man) lending this to my 24-year-old DD to read.

Am I being a prude? I can't begin to describe how completely inappropriate that would have been IMO.

Can GNers see where I'm coming from? and what do you think?

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 17:46:34

No, Jacky, he occasionally recommends books to her, that's all. I think he just thought it was a well-written book - which it is. But..

M0nica Wed 16-Aug-17 17:50:00

I understand how you feel devongirl. Presumably your OH chose to read the book for some reason. It was well reviewed, much talked about, looked interesting to him for reasons other than the explicit material or maybe he went out and chose it because of the explicit material because he wanted to make up to your GD.

I think the last explanation is the least likely, he was entirely happy for you to read it before it was passed to you, and you said it was beautifully written. There are a lot of books written now, of the highest literary quality, that have extended sexually explicit scenes. In fact an awful lot of them do.

If he can only recommend books that are suitable chaste, it is going to rather restrict the free circulation of books between the three of you.

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 17:52:13

Well, I think I have to accept that I'm the one with the problem. Nevertheless, in this instance I'm going to return the book to him.

kittylester Wed 16-Aug-17 18:01:58

I think that it would be good for you to talk to your OH about how you feel.

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 18:16:20

I have emailed him - he wasn't amused sad

suzied Wed 16-Aug-17 18:21:21

I don't blame him, it's almost like you were accusing him of having some sort of inappropriate sexual designs on the girl. If he's anything like me he's forgotten the plot of the book as soon as he's read it, just remembers it being a good read. It's not as if he's invited her to watch a porn film, he's loaned her a book to read , or rather hasn't as you've censored it.

Lona Wed 16-Aug-17 18:22:47

I'm not really surprised, it looks like you don't trust him 100%.

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 18:23:24

I take your point suzied but his position makes it a bit more complicated than that.

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 18:27:42

I've actually felt all day as if I nees a hug - but I should expect GN to provide a more robust response!

suzied Wed 16-Aug-17 18:31:34

Maybe you should have a book group of 2 discussion on the book and your feelings about it and him. It's obviously raised a lot of issues.

BlueBelle Wed 16-Aug-17 18:44:36

Devongirl I too find this strange it's ok for you to read, ok for him to read, and ok for your adult Daughter (or is it granddaughter i m confused as you say GD then further on DD ) to read but it can't come as a recommendation from him You are all adults and presumably hes not wanting to discuss its contents in private with her
I bet he's well confused and a bit hurt that you seem to find something unsavory in his book recommendation even though you obviously enjoyed it It's a bit of a mixed message to give him imo

Glenfinnan Wed 16-Aug-17 19:01:15

I think Devongirl she is most probably old enough to have read this type of book before. Why do you feel uncomfortable has he made any personal remarks about her in the past that has alerted you over this? If not then literature is literature.

FarNorth Wed 16-Aug-17 19:02:57

devongirl, if it was your own book and you had read and enjoyed it, would you be happy to lend it to your DD?
If not, is it because that type of topic is usually not part of your relationship? And so , similarly, you don't want it to be part of her relationship with your OH, even only as part of a book?

Just guessing, here.

teifi Wed 16-Aug-17 19:35:32

I would feel uncomfortable about it too, devongirl, though I can't exactly say why. It would be absolutely no problem if the book was being lent to her by one of her contempories, but by a 60-odd year old 'man of the cloth' who is a friend of her mother/grandmother(?) - definitely nope. Consider yourself hugged....

ElaineI Wed 16-Aug-17 19:55:30

Mmm at first I thought like some of the others that she is an adult and maybe it is well written and perfectly reasonable to pass the book on but the more I think about it something jars. If it was you or a female friend suggesting the book then that is different or even her boyfriend/partner but not a 66yr old man who is her mother's partner. It does sound iffy to me and I think you are right Devongirl.

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 20:36:26

teifi that is so kind, thank you!

FarNorth, I think you have hit a very important point; I'm a very private person and I'd rather keep intimate relationships private, maybe that's it?

Cherrytree59 Wed 16-Aug-17 21:09:52

I understand where you are coming from devongirl.l
My DH has often recommended a film to my DD, but if the film had even a hint sexual content the he wouldn't watch it in her company.
He doesn't read fiction but I'm sure he would not pass on book to her with even the slightest bit of 'steaminess'

I think its a generation thing.

Just a thought
As you are in a relationship are you also concerned that your DGD will relate the sexual content to your relationship and that is why you feel yuk?

Anyway a big [Hug] from moi

devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 21:27:44

Yes cherry tree that is also part of it, for sure.

maryeliza54 Wed 16-Aug-17 21:53:30

Trust your gut feeling - you know them both and the dynamics between the three of you. The book 'disappearing' harms no one '

willsmadnan Wed 16-Aug-17 22:00:24

You have said it's a well written novella DG, so it's hardly 50 Shades of Grey (anyone recommending that particular piece of nonsense goes down in my estimation!) I'm sure we all remember the ridiculous furore over Lady Chatterly's Lover, which although written by one of the 20th century's most talented writers, and that novel must seem risible to today's generation.
My own mother was too inhibited to even talk about the court case... and as for Oscar Wilde blush blush.
There has been a huge generational shift in talking about sexual mores, and all to the good IMO. I'm sure your GD has no such inhibitions, so please..... do as Ninathenana suggests and if you are really worried about this flippin' book, hand it over with a light-hearted remark such as 'the opening's a bit raunchy, explicit, near the knuckle' (strike out whichever you feel uncomfortable with).
I feel you are casting your very good friend in an extremely bad light here. Do you have doubts that he has some dark side? You need to think about this... if so why are you in a close relationship with him? I'm sorry but the problem seems to be of your making, and only you can solve it.

Eglantine19 Thu 17-Aug-17 08:43:03

Oh, he's probably just trying to show how modern and not prudish he is! I've often noticed that 'men of the cloth" feel they have to go against the image, as it were. Tell slightly risque jokes, over-compensate for the image. If there was anything sinister he wouldn't have handed the book over to you.
Not sure this is your best relationship ever though.

mcem Thu 17-Aug-17 09:12:11

Pussyfooting around? Making the book 'disappear'?
My biggest concern would be the element of dishonesty/hypocrisy in these relationships?

MawBroon Thu 17-Aug-17 09:30:15

A 24 year old woman with a degree in Eng Lit hardly needs her grandmother to OK her reading material! She is neither a child nor an impressionable teenager.
I think you are being a prude I am afraid, let her decide for herself. She may find it well written or tacky but that is up to her!

paddyann Thu 17-Aug-17 09:35:29

"men of the cloth" are just men ...they have the same feelings and enjoy the same things as joe bloggs the plumber .Dont pigeonhole him by his career choice.So if he thinks a book is a good read and it contains sex scenes,its no different to anyone else thinking the same .Your DD can make her own mind up about it.You do have issues with him though,whether its trust or just that you believe he shouldn't read this type of book ,its something you need to clarify.IF your relationship is to continue and flourish

devongirl Thu 17-Aug-17 10:01:32

Thanks to all for your input.

There's a lot of advice I need to think about (by the way, hy typing error earlier, it's DD not GD, and I'm 65 so not an old fogey yet!)

It's been very helpful to read all your comments, thanks again.