AIBU to expect DH to spend less time with his mum

No you're not being unreasonable.

It's interesting that he's become such a devoted son to his elderly mother and yet when she was 91 he went to live abroad.

Silverlining 47.
Are you able to go with him next time he decides to visit his mother.? Better still why not go unexpected and surprise him ?Will he not be elated to see you ? well he should be as enough is enough and remind him you are his wife .Your MIl has dementia but she may? recognise you and this should at the least make DH appreciate your visit.Book into a hotel if it is not possible to stay with SIL.
This visit should answer your questions .

Go with him, find out to yourself.

I would be a tiny bit suspicious, and would want to put my mind at rest. It is a lot of time he is spending, but if its with his mum.. well, that's very devoted of him.

Just a tiny bit Missadventure ?
I must be an awful person because I can't imagine any of my kids sitting by my side and leaving their partners /homes and life for weeks on end and I would hate to think that they felt they had to as well
I totally agree with Riverwalk I chose not to live abroad when my mum and dad got old so why did he move when she was plus 90 if he's so devoted to his old Mum

What I meant by 'tiny bit', bluebelle, is 'very'. I always like to err on the side of caution, and I do find it hard to believe someone is spending so much time visiting a care home. I'm a bit of a cynic.

Was your husband always so restless, silverlining?

Missadventure I was teasing, I knew exactly what you meant x

Ah, good, bluebelle

I'm wondering what sort of a relationship he had with his mother. Sometimes, if a parent has not been very loving, children (of any age) will have disproportionate feelings of guilt and responsibility that more secure children do not have.

It could also be, as others have said, that he is not happy in France and his mother being ill gives him more justification to return to the UK.

Or maybe he reasons that she is very old and is unlikely to live much longer, whereas, hopefully, you and he have several more years left together to enjoy yourselves when she is gone.

Whatever the reason, I do think two weeks a month is excessive and, much as he is to be admired for not just leaving it to family in the UK to take responsibility, it does seem unfair to me that this has been at the expense of your happiness and peace of mind.

You need to hve a proper talk with him and explain how you feel. You need to find out exactly where you stand and if it truly is concern for his sick mother that keeps pulling him back to the UK. If you are satisfied with what he says, perhaps you can reach some sort of compromise - e.g. he only spends one week a month there or you go back with him sometimes (if, of course, that would be satisfactory to you).

I really sympathise with you as someone who nearly went to live in France 2 years ago, and had a meltdown at the last moment, when I realised I would not be seeing my family very often. I was able to sell the French house and stay here and sometimes I feel regret at not going, usually when things aren't going smoothly here. However, I would ask if your husband truly was committed to the idea of French living and was he totally happy in France? Alot of people I know have not found the transition as easy as they thought, especially as they are older and find it harder to adapt. Learning the language is also a big factor. I was going to live in a rural area and knew that winters would be particularly difficult with feeling isolated etc. I may be barking up the wrong tree, but perhaps you need to ask if it was as much his dream as it was yours?

Tell him you would like to see his mum and will be going to England with him next month. Maybe the move to France has not turned out how he hoped, he could be terribly home sick for England and feel unable to discuss this with you as you sound so determined to stay in France. Go with him and talk to him- find out what's going on as you obviously don't feel you can carry on living like this. Good luck.

It does sound as if he is homesick and may be partly using mum as an excuse to go 'home'. As others have said you are going to have to talk this all over, he hasn't spent that much of the last 4 years in France. If you get on with your Sil it might be a good idea to chat to her to try and find out how she is feeling about the constant visits, you will know the best way to get her chatting.

'Slowly progressing towards dementia'might be the reason.

He could be spending as much time as possible with his mother whilst she remembers him and he can work to keep her mind active and give her a good quality of life longer. Maybe each time he leaves her, he finds she has deteriorated on his return due to being left without his input,

Maybe I am unique. I spent time with mum every day her last years. Does nobody take care of their mum daily? Even at the end and with dementia, mum knew me a bit. My visits made her happy. Maybe the visits make his mum happy.

I used to go to my mum daily. My fiance left me though, so it obviously didn't make him very happy.

As I understand it you moved four years ago.
His mother was NINETY ONE when he left her behind.
He should of thought of this future scenario when he moved and left her. She was not going to get younger was she.
Ninety one is extremely old so what's so important now four years on.
I am fully supportive of your side of this. If he is prepared to move and leave her on her own at advanced age then he should honour his decision to commit to life with you and stay put at home. He should visit perhaps a weekend a month or two weekends. Both of which you accompany him.
Put your foot down otherwise once she dies you will never forget his neglect of you and this will stay in your marriage as a bitter pill forever.
Highly suspicious behaviour if you forgive me saying.

In addition to my above post.
If you have the smallest seed in your mind that he is in the UK for any underhand/other women reason then I suggest you pay a surprise visit to him whilst he is over there.

*should have not should of. (in my text above).

Norah no you are not unique I visited my mum and dad on a very regular basis and when my mum was in a care home with dementia I tried to go for an hour each day after work but.... I was not living overseas I was living a mile or two away This gentleman CHOSE to emigrate and leave her when his mum was in her last years of life which doesn't sound that devoted does it ? Now either he is wracked with quilt at the move or he regrets and misses UK and isn't as happy as Silver thought/hoped for, OR he has 'other' interests over here
The only way is to sit him down and ask outright or do some detective work if you can't do the direct approach
The other thing you haven't mentioned Silver is how he is when he is with you in France is he as attentive, Does he seem 'happy' is he interacting ? or do you feel he's hankering to be back here even when he s with you ?

How lucky are you to be married to such a lovely good caring man.

Most men do not put effort into their Mums welfare.

You married him through sickness and in health and at the moment, although not himself personally but sickness present.

He is just trying to do the right thing and take care of his Mum whilst she is unwell, what kind of a person would he be if he did not help her.

She must have been a good Mum to him..

I totally understand that you feel your life being wasted but its time for compromise. I hear that you do not want to go back to the UK but couldn't you go back just a couple of times with him, at least you will be together.

I don't think he is being unreasonable, his mother is not going to be around much longer, bless her, although I feel for you too. Could you not go with him when he goes to visit her? Or is there another reason he spends so much time away from you? Like acanthus I'm not suggesting that there is another woman involved but if I were you I would want to know what is going on, perhaps he feels happier in UK. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, I hope everything turns out well for you.

Pauline42 you sound exactly like me when I'm feeling fed up with the situation! That's what I say to DH.
I really don't think there is anyone else involved but Baggs you made an interesting point about him always being restless.
Grankind that is an interesting post. Coming over to live in France is an adventure for 2 people together but can be quite daunting on your own. Language and isolation are big factors.
DH is kind and affectionate when at home and we keep in constant contact when he's away. I do think he feels guilty about not looking after his mother and also guilty leaving all the responsibility to his sister who is also over 70. I know he struggles with the situation too. Serkeen you also reflect some of my thoughts
The mixture of posts seems to echo my original question....AIBU? Your answers have helped me focus more on all sides of the situation. Thank you all for your help.

Maybe your husband is finding it difficult to adapt to retirement, and feels that overseeing his mum is something productive to do
Good luck, I hope you can sort it out.

I don't think Silver is feeling too lucky Serkeen hence the original posting If someone is kind to one to the detriment another it's not that good is it ? He also married HER through sickness and health and she needs some of his time time too His mum could live to get the Queens telegram he needs to plan for his wife as well as his mum

My big question would be why doesn't he include you and suggest you go together at least every now and then (you said you like his mum) why is he almost shutting you out of that part of his life I think that is harsh on you whether it is just a wonderful loving son or a huge guilt complex surely he must know you're unhappy with the situation and would want to find a way to keep you both happy because it seems as if it's been going on a long time You ve lived in France four years but after the first year plus, he was over for three months sleeping on her floor and has been spending two or more weeks a month here ever since, so really the French dream only happened for a year and a half

He may just be unable to multi task and keep his conscience free but where's his conscience for you ? You need to talk and find out what's going on in his head

I do hope it works out it could be simple reasons and simple changes but you won't ever know if you don't brave it out and talk about it