To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

Ye Gods! my grandson is exactly the same being a bully and dictating what happens at home and even were his parents should live. He is 21 and although he goes to university he still lives at home.
Stand up to him for God's sake give your daughter the help she needs and wish her every happiness.
I just wish my son and his wife would give my GS a swift kick up the back side, instead of letting him dictate were they should live. These children are just bullies, is this how they are going to behave in later life?
Give your daughter all the encouragement she needs and welcome her partner into his new home.

I can't believe what I am reading here and I am glad the general consensus is to back the Mom.

My own late Mom told me in around 2008 NOT to put my children before my relationship due to a family matter. She said to me "that children grow up and leave home and to ensure my relationship with my 2nd husband was put first and not allow children to come between us"

I can't believe you are taking your grandson side here. I think you should look at yourself in this and your own motives for not wanting your daughter partner to move in. I don't mean motives where your grandson is concerned as I think he is being used as an excuse for what is going on for you in this.

Is there concern you won't have your daughter so much and so on seems to be at the back of this. Maybe jealousy too. I don't know your own situation however this could be the cause.

I also can't believe what you have said about "not wanting your Grandson to be upset" either. We can not go through life without being upset. No one can. We learn the most through pain. By supporting him you are stunting his emotional growth.

He is 22. He needs to get over himself! He is acting like a spoilt petulant child. His Dad may have treated him appallingly however your daughter should not be suffering because of that.

As for him moving out. Let him move in with you then! He won't leave and if he does he will soon be back. They always are. Our home has been a boomerang for years of my 4 moving in and out. Now just the one at home. As the other 3 are all settled married etc. With 2 living abroad we have 1 only here right now.

Your daughter has more than done her job as a loving parent. It's time your Grandson grew up. It's time you supported her.

I know you won't like what I have said. It doesn't mean it us not true if yoy are offended

You didn't mention your own marital status. If you are divorced or widowed yourself check your motives for jealousy.

I am not saying you are a bad person either just to be clear either As the written word can be easily misunderstood. I am suggesting you look at this again with another pair of glasses on

This is awful. The DD has given her DCS her all. Worked to support them.
I was in similar position to the DD. I was left to bring up my DCs. No help from the Dfather. I worked to fit school times.
The DCs had babies at age 20 neither was married. Neither father was decent.
I didnt dare even think about having a relationship as they would have gone mad.
They are with other partners now with more children.
I am alone 99 per cent of the time. My only use is money and last resort babysitting.
It has not worked out well for me to have given up life for my DCs. They have up nothing for me. They are not pleasant at all.
I suggest the daughter takes her chance of happiness. If the son sees anything that is not good then step in. He should be kind to his mum and consider her future.
SPF

Why shouldn't the arrangement be changed, if the daughter wants to move on with her life? Because of a 22 year old "child"?
How long does this responsibility last? How about if her son gets to 40 and still objects?
Why change the arrangement? Because she and her partner want to. That's why.

My gay friend married her partner yesterday: partners 3 children aged 10, 16 and 20 are over the moon, even though they have never seen mum with a same sex partner before
Her son stood up and made a little speech about how happy their mum is, what a great partner my friend is, and how glad they all are.

I think DS aged 22 is used to being 'man of the house'. However at 22 he should be moving on so yes this transition is tricky but he is not his mother's husband. He will go on to a life of his own and his own partner.

Also if partner has a house of his own why is he moving in? we had a single neighbor a mother of similar aged children, all virtually adults, who moved out to her partner's house but came back regularly to be with the kids and check how they were managing.

It was an excellent way of helping them learn to be independent and to learn the cost of all the essential bills.

Hope you will start to feel a bit better about this transition.

I can well understand why the 22 year old is not happy about things. It is HIS home and why should he share it with his mums boyfriend. Up until now the son has in effect been the man of the house. At a later date all the children will no doubt flee the nest but they should not be forced to do so.
Friends of ours daughter let her boyfriend move in with her and once he got his foot in the door he became a nightmare. He ended up being sent to prison by trying to run a prostitution racket using her two daughters. There are a lot of single men trying to worm their way into family life for their own ends and their own ends only. The mother has a loyalty and responsibility to her children not the boyfriend. He should stay in his own abode and keep things as they are. If it has worked well for 5 years why change it?

Reading the OP I just felt terribly sad for the daughter who should have had the support of her mother, not to feel that she is angry with her. The poor woman has done everything right and is now being made to feel like a bad mother putting her chance of happiness before the selfishness of a 22 year old.
Why would he end up starving in a freezing garret ? EU nationals are pouring out of the country so there are jobs to be had. I lived in tiny bedsits for years on low pay and learned to manage money and live within my means and I didn't starve or freeze. It will do him the world of good and his lovely mum can get on with leading her life the way she deserves to.

At 22 your grandson needs to stop sulking and throwing tantrums and ultimatums at his mother - he is an adult now and needs to leave his childhood behind. Your daughter is a grown woman who has obviously not rushed into anything and is now ready to live with a new partner. It might be nice if she got some support from her kids and parents instead of condemnation. Whatever his reasons for not even talking to the new partner or fearing having to share a home with him etc, the young man needs to get a grip or get a place of his own. Maybe it is time he left the nest and gave his mum a chance of some happiness of her own. You describe her partner as 'a nice man' so have a little faith that she is able to make her own life choices, including who lives in her house. Hope everything works out OK for all concerned.

Strange and rather disturbing reaction from a 22 year old, who appears not to have grown up. It would be easier to understand in a child who was in effect mourning the loss of a departed Father figure, but not here. He needs to mature fast and to recognise that he has no right to adversely affect the potential happiness of his Mother as she attempts to move on to a new phase of her life. Does he in some strange way see himself as the undisputed Alpha male in the household, where life is perhaps too comfortable and undemanding? Most unhealthy if that is the case, and if his attitude remains unchanged he should most certainly do everyone a favour and move out.

The son needs a talking to. It is not fair to expect the mum to never have a companion because he is not accommodating. He needs to be taught tolerance. I dislike my stepfather but I tolerate him for my mum's sake.

To be honest, I'm aghast at this situation. How dare a grown man dictate how his mother should live? He's using threats and calling his mother's bluff by saying he'll move out. Of course he won't - where on earth would he go where he'd be able to live so well for so little? If he's allowed his own way - just because he'd rather the status quo didn't change - he'll be a bully all his life.

I do feel for your daughter, NannyOne - her husband left her, and she's to be denied the promise of a happier relationship, after giving everything to parenting her children alone. My daughter was so happy to know I was happy when I met my second husband, and even though she knew things would change, we both loved the support we both gave each other, and we are very close still.

I think the GS needs a swift reminder just who the parent is in the family. I would also like to know why he believes that a woman should never have another relationship if she's ever been married before?! Or is it just this woman in particular?

I do wish your daughter a happy future, NannyOne and hope that your GS snaps out of this ridiculous, self-centred stage.

nannyone i'm sorry. it's not your daughter you should be angry with it's your grandson.
your daughter has raised three children single handedly since her ex husband's affair which ended their marriage.
she's been on her own since then and now has someone new who she, obviously, wishes to live with. whether in her home or his or a joint one doesn't matter.
your grandson is being selfish and bratty for some reason.
hopefully you and he can sit down together and talk this through and he can come to realise that he's not losing his mum. she deserves some happiness now and has found someone to share her life.
and i hope you can forget your anger with your daughter - she doesn't deserve it. if there's a rift within the family then it's your grandson who has brought this about not her and it's not fair that you should be angry with her.
your grandson at 22 is more than capable of living on his own and coping with life - he'll probably be getting married himself in a few years and would be leaving home anyway.

How selfish of your Grandson, no thought for any happiness for his Mother. She deserves better!

Your GS will move out pretty sharpish when something he wants to do, or someone he wants to be with comes along.

Let him go now if that is what he feels is best for him. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and the big, wide, world if the best place for that.

Your daughter deserves to be happy.

So if they get married they have to live apart. You and your grandson are being selfish unbelievable

Do you think that this immature 22 year old is worried that his mother might remarry and risk his potential inheritance?

If he has no job and substantial debts he may see his hardworking successful Mum as his financial security.

I agree that the OP should invite her gs over, perhaps with his girlfriend and talk straight to him. Remind him how good his Mum has been to him. She is now entitled to be happy and he should not stand in her way.

For what it is worth NannyOne I think your daughter should have a chance of happiness after doing what sounds a brilliant job of rearing her children. Hopefully the eldest child/man will come around to seeing it her way.

I do feel some of these posts are unnecessarily rude to the OP. She is seeking help and advice. She doesn't want her GS insulted.She loves them all. By all means express your views but please do so kindly!

Children can be very censorious about their parents' relationships sometimes. Your daughter was the wronged party and as your original post stated, this has been the only relationship she has had so it isn't like she has had a succession of men traipsing through her childrens' lives. She is entitled, especially after bringing up 3 children, to some happiness with another partner.

I do know someone who was in a similar situation, widowed young, met someone else a few years later, older child objected very strongly even though mother and partner maintained separate homes and still do. However things move on that child, graduated in a good job and living independently mother and partner still a couple no longer the issue it was with the eldest child. A bit of separate space between parents and grown up offspring often works wonders.

Yes 22 year old are at risk.
Very young for their age nowadays (whose fault is that?)
Dank , freezing cold bedsits in houses with dubious tenants and drug use.
Drug addicts , violence, clubs where a night out is not complete without a couple of pills as the norm.
A lonely, pointless life where he has cut himself off from his mother (does he have no friends?)
He has no job
Cue violins, hearts and flowers!

I have to say the 20 somethings of my acquaintance are generally out there in a job, perhaps at home saving for a deposit or in a flat share not necessarily dank and freezing (but in our day we still relished the independence and loved it) and whether or not recreational drug use come into the equation is a matter of personal choice.
This is not a vulnerable "child" with special needs, or from a disadvantaged background who cannot be expected to cope in society.
His mum is a professional person, son has a degree and clearly a grandma who puts his feelings above her own daughter's.
Such selfish intransigence bodes ill for the future.
What's his problem?

Could the D's partner stay for the odd weekend and gradually build up the length of time he stays in the hope the DS starts to get to know him and there is no big moving in date?

The big babies are those who have been treated as babies Anya, don't you think? ?

Just thought on, my friend's son has just finished his Uni course. He spent the summer coaching in the US at a Summer Camp and has landed a job a good 100 miles from his mother. He is on the autistic spectrum.

So not all this generation are still big babies at 22.

Personally I think you should be the one to sit down with your GS and have a good long talk. And you need to support your daughter on this. She has indeed done well by her children; getting your oldest GS through uni is proof of this. However her son has been away from home the best part of 3-4 years so he might not see the relationships in the same way as his younger siblings.

I agree with her decision not to buy another house together as this house is her security should the living together not work out as anticipated.